Gori Girl

This is the third post from my ten question series on questions and discussions that are particularly important for intercultural or interracial couples to have. All of the posts from this series can be found on the series index, The Ten Questions Every Intercultural Couple Should Discuss.

Seeing the title of this post typed out makes me nervous. Stereotypes – and their less absolute and bigoted cousin, generalizations – make me nervous. And yet, I don’t think we can ignore this massive elephant in the corner when discussing culture – particularly when trying to really get your partner & his or her cultural background. After all, it’s likely that you have heard plenty of generalizations or stereotypes about your own culture, your partner’s culture, and dozens of others. We all know people will judge you based on their stereotypical beliefs about your culture. And sometimes you may end up thinking that a particular individual – or you, yourself – perfectly fit a particular stereotype of a culture.

True story: my husband and I got into an argument last night at one am because of this question. I asked him what his answer would be, after three years of marriage to an American, he answered, and somehow the conversation devolved into a debate on whether Christians in the U.S. see Muslims as more of a threat to their religion than Hindus, and if so, why.

People who know us well will not be surprised at this – a defining aspect of Aditya’s and my marriage is that we have intense debates often. Keeps us on our toes! But discussing this intercultural couple question is almost bound to raise some hackles, as it basically requires each person to criticize the other’s culture and/or country. That’s a feature, not a bug, though. Let me explain…

This is the first post from my ten question series on questions and discussion that are particularly important for intercultural or interracial couples to have. All of the posts from this series can be found on the series index, The Ten Questions Every Intercultural Couple Should Discuss.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds. To some extent, all individuals do – all families are unique, after all, and everyone’s childhood has its own rhythm and rhyme. But intercultural couples, like Aditya and I, face particular difficulties in understanding – or even imagining – the experiences that have shaped each other’s lives. The differences between our childhood experiences are both in the bold, key features of our families – education, home language, family structure – and in the small details that make up everyday life – how we traveled to school, the chores we had as children, the games we played when homework was done.

There are the questions every serious couple – couples with commitment in mind -should discuss. And then there are the questions that I believe every intercultural, interracial, or international couple really must discuss – conversations that may not be as important for monoculture spouses or couples. This is a series for the second sort of questions – for the first, try the lists here, here, or here.

Friday Connections: a time when I give links and a bit of commentary to things I’d blog about if I had the time. This week the categories are international photography (in honor of the DSLR arriving today purchased for our India trip), some language learning tools that have been suggested to me (or that I’ve found) recently,and race relations in East & Southeast Asia.

Divorce. DIVORCE. It’s one of those things America is known for around the world, along with Hollywood and blue jeans. I’m sure most of you have heard the statistic that “half of all marriages in America end in divorce”. And it’s commonly thought that it’s even worse if you marry outside your race, culture, or religion – if the average American couple has such a difficult time staying married, wouldn’t marriages where the husband and wife seem to have major differences (a built-in area of conflict, if you will) be even more prone to divorce?

With a reputation like that, it’s understandable that a non-American family – one which strongly values familial ties (like many Indian families) – may hear the 50% divorce statistic and be a bit panicked when a son or daughter announces plans to marry an American. The logic, I suspect, goes something like

This American, growing up among divorce – perhaps even having divorced parents or other family members – probably has different expectations about how marriages work and how long marriages last. Thus, if we want our son/daughter to have a good marriage for life, they shouldn’t get married to an American, since that means they’ll have a 50% chance of getting a divorce! Fifty percent!

There’s enough concern about the issue of America’s pesky divorce rate that there’s even a thread in the forum here on family divorces, and how, if, or why they ought or ought not be disclosed to Indian family members.

Truth is, however, the statistics of divorce are rather complicated, and it’s very easy to misinterpret what they mean for individual marriages. And that 50% divorce statistic? Not true . Especially for interracial, intercultural, or international couples, where things get a bit more complicated.

A commenter at this site, Lurker Frequent (aka LF), has once again asked a really interesting set of related questions in the comments section of a recent post that I’d like to address as a proper post, since I have plenty to say on the topic. Here’s his questions:

I am very curious to know about relationship dynamics in your Indian American Household, with regards to the cultural differences in customs in India and America.

More specifically, in India, people invite each other over and unexpectedly drop in and hang out and do things together. In the US it’s more planned, and “khatirdari” is less common in this DIY land. How does it work in your family? How do you handle all the social obligations of an Indian wife?

… the Indian bahu is “supposed” to do a bunch of stuff like cook, clean, wash, entertain the guests, manage social life etc. etc etc. It’s all voluntary though, no pressures in modern day families. How’s your “Bahurani” experience been like? Do you guys do all of that?

I think I’ll shelve the “chores” section of the question for a later date to focus on the hospitality portion of LF’s question. So what follows here are my thoughts on hospitality generally in intercultural households, the interculturalness (or lack thereof) of our household hosting , and some general tips that might be of use to others.

As most of you probably know, there is very little quantitative data out there on interracial marriages, especially anything beyond a basic count of how many there are. I recently stumbled across a study currently being conducted regarding satisfaction within interracial relationships, and I’d like to take a moment to encourage everyone here to consider taking about 20 minutes out of your day to help out a doctoral student completing the study, if you meet the requirements listed below.

Friday Connections: a time when I give links and a bit of commentary to things I’d blog about if I had the time. This week the categories are mixed families, cross-cultural food, and gender inequality issues in India (with a really sweet video).

The meetup for next weekend – discussed in this earlier post – is on! Here are the details:

• Place: Café Assorti at 1800 Wilson Blvd. Arlington VA
  • Located between the Rosslyn and Courthouse metro stops in Northern Virginia, this cafe features Kazakh dishes and pastries (think Turkish meets Russian meets delicious). Parking shouldn’t be too much of a problem if you’re driving in – just look a street or two over off of Wilson. It should be a nice place to sit and chat.

• Time & Date: 2 pm ish, Sunday December 6th
  • Aditya and I thought that, given that people are coming from different areas, it’d be best if we don’t do a meal at restaurant at a specific time. This way if you run into traffic (oh, DC traffic), it’s not that big of a deal – just come in when you can, order up a pastry and coffee, and join in the conversation. We’ll be there from 2pm from whenever things run down. If it keeps going for awhile, well, Ray’s Hell-Burger is just across the street for an early dinner. Warning: breakfast (which features strawberry and cream crepes!) is only served ’til 3 pm at Cafe Assorti, so don’t arrive too late.

• Who: Anyone!
  • Anyone is welcome to come, whether you’re new to this blog or not, in an intercultural relationship or not, or whatever. Feel free to bring friends if they’d like to sample Kazakh food.

If you’ve got any questions, let me know below!