My boyfriend and me have been – more or less – in the same situation. For giving an advice, I guess it's best to share the thoughts of my boyfriend since he's sharing your Indian background.

It's a big step you've taken, that you've told your parents about your relationship.I can imagine how stressful only the consideration of doing so must have been for you! But now that you've let the cat out of the bag, don't you feel relieved? Out of my experience, most parents regard dishonesty and hiding things as far more disappointing than the matter itself (at least this applies to my parents). When my boyfriend revealed his relationship to his parents, they were shocked and devastated, same as your parents. My boyfriend hoped that his parents would change their mind within a month, but that did not work out. So he decided to split up because he couldn't imagine that things would change, so he thought that a horrible end was better than horror without end. This could be true in some way. Certainly, your parents will be relieved, but what about you? This question is perhaps easier to answer for “Westerners” due to the more individualistic society we live in. In the end, however, my boyfriend came up with the same answer: he has to lead his life, not his parents.

This was an extremely painful process for both of us (the weighing of argument – should we or not?) Just imagine how you would feel if you gave in, succumbing to you parents' will. You might lose the one you love, and I don't know what your parents will expect next from you? Arranged marriage? Could you live with this option? Marrying a different person, but mourning the love you've lost for a lifetime? Sadly, there a many Indians who did and do so. Needless to say that this would be pretty unfair to the man your family will choose for you.

You wrote that uncle has married a European – maybe you could seek his advice, too. I'm very sure that he could become your best ally in convincing your family! I'd be grateful if someone from my boyfriend's side would have done something unconventional

Is your boyfriend involved, too? Have you talked to him that it won't be easy and that the two of you have to take the plunge (compromises etc.)? Did you talk about future expectations you have? Is he ready for “messing around”, are you? You as a couple have to be committed to each other and convinced about what you're doing.

Btw, did your parents “only” point out that they would lose face if you married your boyfriend, or were there other concerns? Maybe you should address these problems with your parents, make clear that you love them, but that their behavior won't change anything.

Hope I could help you at least a bit

I suspect you'll get a much better response if you post your story in the forums. If you want, I can get a topic started there for you.

I know that no one has contributed to this blog for quite a while now, but I wanted to add my current experiences and hopefully seek some advice.

I recently told my parents about my white boyfriend very recently. They were shocked, upset and devasted to say the least. They shouted and got very very angry. I have already posted a few comments about my situation on the blog: “Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?” so I’ll try not to repeat things here.

My parents have not properly spoke to me since I told them, I do have my own place but have been staying at home in the hope that they would talk to me. Sadly all they have said to me is “end it!” Yesterday they confronted me again asking if I had ended it with my boyfriend, and when I replied no, they were angry and said that I have no care for them or their position in society. They are scared that they will be disowned by society because of me, that people will make malicious remarks about their daughter “running off with a white guy”, how they will feel deeply embarrassed that I am with a white guy if they had to invite me round for a festival, and that people would wonder why my parents didn’t try to stop me from the relationship and no wonder I didn’t find any of the suitors that family and friends suggested suitable.

The fact is I do care about my parents and it scares me that family and friends will disown them or say malicious things out of spite (this is not uncommon in Indian culture). But at the same time I’m trying to make my parents understand about my happiness and how I feel about somebody I have met.
I thought my parents would disown and ‘kick me out of the house’ when I told them, instead they’ve given me the silent treatment and telling me about the stress and headache and heartache that I will be causing them and the rest of my family by continuing with my boyfriend.

It’s hard having to live in this situation where no one talks to you (my dad just gives me dirty looks and my mum ignores me), its hard hearing the things that my parents say to me, and to be honest, I don’t know what effect that will have on the relationship with me and my boyfriend. I care and love about my parents and I want them to understand that I am happy. My sibling can’t understand why I would even still think about being with my boyfriend after everything my parents have said….
I don’t have doubts about my boyfriend, but as with anything in life, you never know what’s around the corner. So I think that to date, the relationship I’ve had with my boyfriend has been great. But when my parents say things to me in anger it’s starting to make me doubt things…I know I have a lot to lose if I continue my relationship – my parents, my sibling, my close family and family friends, my parents could lose the respect in the community…The ripple effect….

It scares me… and I am having to weigh up things.

As you've probably learned by now, there are a lot of different subcultures in India – urban, rural, Hindu, Muslim, North, South, East, etc, etc – and, of course, every family is different. So I'm a little bit hesitant to give you specific advice regarding “what you should expect”, since what I've experienced with my husband's family might not be much like what your boyfriend's family is like.

However, I do think that there are some general strategies that you can follow that could help you prepare to meet his parents – at least, the strategies helped me when I was in the same situation, as well as a few of the readers here. You can read about them to some extent on this post. Two other posts that deal with the issue of family resistance to an intercultural relationship can be found here and here. Be sure to read the comments section in all of these posts, as they're chock full of personal experiences and good tips from some of the readers here. Finally, if you'd like to discuss your specific circumstance with more details, you're welcome to send me an email (gorigirl.admin@gmail.com or use the contact form in the “Got a Question?” section above) and we can either discuss it one-on-one or I can make a post about it and you can get feedback from everyone.

Hope things go along smoothly for you & your guy!

http://neokalypso.wordpress.com

I was reading the comments here and your comment’s about R’s Mom struck me. My fiance’s Mother had a hard time getting used to the idea of me too and the threat and refusal to even say my name or acknowledge me is something I dealt with too. They came here to the US to visit and it was difficult but they are good people and they were kind to me. I just did my best to try and be polite and kind to his Mom and Dad and tried my best to show them respect, in the way an Indian girl would do.

Depending on how traditional they are, his Mom may take some time to get used to the idea of you because she probably hasn’t had much of a chance to know many non Indians and she only has the images on TV and Movies to form opinions from.

Also, she has most likely been dreaming of the big fancy party she can throw for her son when she marries him off and is probably fearful that your relationship with her son will mean a loss of the social standing that marrying her son off to a proper Indian girl would bring her. She is probably afraid that she will be laughed at if you aren’t willing to submit to many of their traditions while in their family home (while you are visiting).

My soon to be mother in law was very concerned that I wouldn’t be willing to touch people’s feet at the wedding or cover my head in front of elders while in their home. She was scared that I would be too opinionated and argue with her about how things should be done. All I could do was smile at her and say “No, Auntyji no worries. When in Rome, na?” or “Antyji, I don’t know about these things but I am hoping you will teach me so I don’t make any mistakes, OK?” But only time can prove these things to her so, all you can do it be patient and be as respectful to her as possible.

After I met the Indian parents and they saw that I wanted to make every effort to smooth the relations between all of us, they started to thaw out. His mother took a couple of months to come around but she has come around. I wasn’t until after she returned to India and had some time to process it all that she really came around. That was about 5 months after she first found out about me. A month or so, after they returned to India she told my fiance (then just a boyfriend still) that I am good, that I am making sacrifices too and that she shouldn’t care too much about me being white. Now see, that is some serious improvement from not even being willing to say my name!

Now that my fiance and I have decided to marry, the whole family has opened their arms to me and are welcoming me with such love and affection, it is overwhelming. I continue to try and show his Mom respect and caring. It is important that she not fear that I will steal her son away. I email her regularly, even if at first she didn’t always email me back. My fiance and I call her regularly and tell her the little details in our lives (we went shopping today, rice was a whole $1 more than the last time we bought it!, stuff like that) so that she feels included. We remember her on her Birthday and other occasions and I make a point to tell her that I miss her and that her son misses her too.

After all, in their culture they have always believed that they will raise their sons, marry them off and gain a bahu but always have the son with them in the family home. Imagine how difficult and scary it would be to think that you might lose your son to another culture because he has fallen in love with a women from another place? Will he ever come home? Will she allow him to live in India again? Will she allow us to live with them if we fall sick when we are old? Will she respect us and our customs?

Another thing is this, if they are very traditional and his Father is open to you. You can probably expect that his Mother will come around as will the rest of his family members (immediate family that is) because after all, it is the good ol’ patriarchal set up in India (especially the North) and what Papa says goes. So, gauge the difficulty you are having by his reaction to your presence and temper that difficulty with he knowledge that they love their son and they won’t want to lose him. I had many Indian friends tell me this one thing “Parents love their children too much. They always come around, eventually. Just hang in there.” Be strong and try to have some peace of mind. Whatever happens, it is happening for the best.

Good luck,

Sophia

From your post, I’m assuming that you’re an adult, with an independent career, but are still living with your folks in Chennai. If so, you have options open to you. For instance, you could move out, and avoid interacting with your parents until they can control themselves enough to not yell. However, it’s possible that living in Chennai (big as it is), and continuing to interact with relatives and people from your parents’ social circle will keep the situation miserable. In that case you might consider moving (with or without your guy) to another city – India is a BIG country, and I know of many intercaste couples who have no trouble in places like Bombay, Delhi, or Calcutta.

Finally, I want to remind you to not lose hope. If you look back three generations in the US, you’ll see a time where interracial marriages were illegal. At the same time in India, women were rarely educated or held jobs outside of the home – unlike the women of today. India *is* changing, and it will continue to change partly because people like you who decide that caste (among other things) shouldn’t be a barrier to love. Your actions may allow a younger sister or cousin to follow his or her dreams, even if they aren’t sanctioned by older generations.

Oh, and sf & galaxie have great advice, so be sure to read & think about it.

Be respectful even while they’re screaming, try to address the things they’re worried about, but never even hint that you will marry anyone else. If you give in, they’ll realize that screaming and crying works eventually, and they’ll use it again eventually. Some people have to actually start planning weddings before their parents accept their decisions. Some people get married and their parents don’t come around until afterward. You have to think about whether you are prepared to accept that situation, or if you won’t marry without their blessing.

From what I’ve seen/heard of others’ stories, it seems like it can be hard to predict how things will change in the future – sometimes parents really come ’round with an official marriage / the birth of a grandchild, and sometimes they don’t – but I’m sure you probably have even more experience than I with these matters.

Do you live in India currently, or in the US, or somewhere else? Do either of you live with your parents? Are there other family members that are supportive?