Who is Affected by your Intercultural Relationship?

Posted by Gori Girl
April 16, 2008

Men and women by jmuraweki

Many people subscribe to the idea that your personal life is nobody’s business but your own - as long as you aren’t maiming others, anyways. While I generally agree with the sentiment this idea expresses, I also think it’s important to realize that, like it or not, your actions affect a wide swath of people. In fact, at the margin, your actions affect the entire world.

Let’s all pause for a moment to ponder that grandiose thought while breaking out into The Circle of Life.

Everyone back? Good. I brought up this topic because being in an intercultural relationships has a tendency to disrupt the “social equilibrium,” if you will, of the people around you. In almost every country and region an intercultural relationship is the exception, not the norm. So while being in any relationship might affect those close to you - my dad still hasn’t gotten over the fact that I’m no longer his little girl - intercultural relationships are both a regular ol’ relationship and something of a challenge to the status quo. As if romantic relationships weren’t tough enough on their own!

In this post I’m focusing on how intercultural relationships, in particular, affect those around us. I’ll start out by laying out a (non-comprehensive) list of the type of people who can be affected by your intercultural marriage or relationship, continue with how these effects ripple out through the social web of life, and then finish up with how much you should really care about it all. This post developed as I thought about how parents can react to their children’s intercultural relationships - I’ll be applying the principles and theory I develop here to that post, which will be the next “serious” one.

So just who is affected?

I wrote above that everyone is affected, and I do believe that. I’m not trying to say that an intercultural or interracial marriage is a political event (now, at least), or that couples in intercultural relationships are dating to change the world through their example - almost all intercultural couples are in it for love, not ideological reasons, according to at least one study. The way people are affected, however, depends on their relationship to you. With that in mind, I’m going to break it down into different categories that helps me mentally organize these ideas - but remember that this is not meant to be comprehensive.

  1. You
    Hah - you thought I’d just be talking about other people, right? Nope - an intercultural relationship is going to change you, and those changes are going to affect everyone you know. These changes can be fairly superficial - new recipes in the kitchen, foreign language films on the netflix list - or they can be deep and life-changing - a different religion, different priorities, or a home in a new country. And this is in addition to the typical mental stretching that happens in any relationship.While you’re probably okay with the changes that are happening due to your intercultural relationship - otherwise, you’d change or end the relationship - others around you might not be. Or they might just be surprised by the parts of your personality - parts that have always been there - that become more prominent in the light of your new relationship.Personally, while I don’t feel like any deep part of me was changed through my relationship with Aditya, there were a lot of minor changes that did occur. And at least some members of my family were alarmed by this - early in our relationship, one person even came to me to tell me that she was worried Aditya was planning to take me off to India and make me, uh, an Indian housewife with no rights, or something. *shrug* I have no idea where that came from.
  2. Your Partner
    The guy or gal in your life is being stretched by your intercultural relationship, just like you are. And those changes can freak out his family, friends, and acquaintances too. Occasionally you might get blamed by your partner’s family or friends as the cause of changes they dislike or fear. It may be hard to hear, but in some ways, they are right to blame you - if she hadn’t met you, she probably wouldn’t have changed in just those ways, at least not at that time. But just because you’re the cause of those changes doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong, unless you’ve forced your partner to change in ways he didn’t want to. And at this point I put in the obligatory warning that you’ve heard from anyone and everyone regarding relationships: don’t get into one with the intention to change your partner. It just doesn’t turn out well.
  3. Close Family and Friends
    There are a few ways that those who are close to you can change because of your intercultural marriage or relationship. First, their beliefs about the “proper” way different races or cultures should interact might be challenged. Maybe they’ll become more accepting of intercultural interactions - but maybe they’ll become worse. A relative of mine, for instance, once told me point-blank that he thought that I shouldn’t ever date a black or African-American man, since that would just be wrong. I actually did date a black guy after this comment, but didn’t tell this relative, since it was a very casual, short-lived thing and I wasn’t interested in a fight with said relative. I do wonder what would have happened if I had told the relative, though - would his thoughts on the matter have changed?Second, those who are close to you might also change their ways because of their new exposure to your partner’s culture. My mom loves all the little details she has picked up about Indian culture through her son-in-law. She’s also in line (after me) to learn some Indian cooking from Maa.Third, family and friends are affected by the changes in you and your partner (depending on whose family and friends they are). If your partner changes substantially, for instance, it may be that his parents and siblings feel less connected to him.
  4. Extended Family and Acquaintances
    By “extended family” here, I mean family members who are not particularly close to you or your significant other - not the type of extended family where a third cousin is as close as a brother. These are people who are less affect by changes in you, and more affected by changes in your status as seen by others. Maybe your intercultural relationship convinces a younger cousin that is now “okay” to do that in your culture, so she starts dating the cute white boy she’s friends with. Or maybe simply knowing a person in an intercultural relationship makes an acquaintance think a bit deeper about race relationships. These are small changes, but in the aggregate they matter.
  5. The people of your subculture, or those of your partner’s subculture
    These are people who don’t even know you, but share your culture. How could they possibly be affected by your personal relationship? Well, one example that springs to my mind is the dying out of languages around the world. When a person chooses to date or marry outside of their culture, often (not always!) they or their children lose parts of their native culture. Language is one example of this. The Jewish community’s efforts to maintain their culture in the face of a significant amounts of intermarriage is another example.
  6. “Society”
    My general catch-all for people who don’t fit into those other categories. As I stated above, if you’re in an intercultural relationship in a place where it’s uncommon, whether you choose to or not, you’re making a general statement to society that intercultural relationships are okay. And bit by bit, this can change people’s opinions on the matter.

The Ripple Effect

But the changes don’t stop just here. As each person changes, it affects their relationship with everyone else. The social equilibrium has become unbalanced, and everything will shift about a bit to regain a new equilibrium. This is what I’m calling the Ripple Effect - the effects of your intercultural relationship will ripple through the social web of everyone around you. As your partner changes, for instance, his relationship with his parents will change - and this is something that they might worry about. And if your partner’s parents change, their relationship to their other children might change. Aditya’s parents, for instance, were softened up for my appearance by his brother’s intercultural marriage to a Punjabi Indian.

Other ripples that you might worry about are pressures from “society” or acquaintances or even extended family on your close family or friends for “allowing” your intercultural relationship. Your family is now the-family-with-the-intercultural-relationship, and others may see that as good or as bad.

A person affected ≠ a person who cares much

The vast majority of “society” that you pass on the street probably doesn’t care that they’re affected a teeny tiny bit by your intercultural marriage. Some close friends of mine couldn’t give a hoot that I’m in an intercultural relationship, even though it does affect them through me (mostly because of my Coffy Bite supply). I’m not sure if my brother has ever even realized that Aditya is Indian - he’s completely oblivious to (major) things like that. Just because someone is affected by an intercultural relationship doesn’t mean that they’ll care much - and even if they care, they may not say anything. It’ll depend on their personalities, their feelings and background in intercultural undertakings, and any number of other idiosyncratic things.

A person who cares ≠ you caring about their cares

Even if a person cares a lot about the fact that they’re affected by your intercultural relationship doesn’t mean that you need to care about their opinion. I’ve had a couple of random people tell me that I shouldn’t date outside my race, and that they were personally offended that I was doing so, and making it seem more acceptable to society at large. I don’t particularly care that they’re upset about this. I’m A-okay, in fact. I bet most of you are too!

If someone close to me was upset about the effects of my intercultural relationship on them, it’d be a little different, of course. I’m lucky enough that I’ve never been put into that situation - no one who’s opinion mattered to me has ever suggested that my intercultural relationship was affecting them negatively. Of course, these sort of situations do occur - we’ve all heard the stories of Indian parents, for instance, losing social status within their communities because of intercultural relationships. I imagine there might even be a few people who sniff at my inlaws for allowing their son to marry a Gori - luckily Maa and Baba aren’t the type to care about that, either.

Before I sign off on this huge post, I’d like to make one thing very clear: I’m not condoning racism in any way, shape or form. Racism is an evil thing, and people who have issues with your intercultural relationship because of their racist views should be told where to shove it, in my opinion. But there’s a difference between someone disliking an intercultural relationship because of the (true) negatives affects it might have on him or other entities he cares about, and disliking it because you’re a racist or just don’t like people of different cultures mixing. My point here was to make it clear that, because of the wide-ranging, rippled effects that your relationship might have others, there are legitimate concerns they might raise about your relationship. I personally believe that the benefits from an intercultural relationship - or heck, any relationship where two people love each - almost always outweighs any of the possible negatives, but others’ opinions might differ.

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Related posts:

  1. Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?
  2. Don’t Get Your Undies in a Bunch: Worrying About Intercultural Quirks
  3. To Hug or Not to Hug: More on Meeting the Parents
  4. Arranged Marriages and Intercultural Relationships

Cross Cultural Theory, Intercultural Advice, Intercultural Relationship

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  • Oh I love this post. "No Relationship is an Island!" To give an example of what you stated in your last paragraph, R tells me his mom has said several times that she has nothing against people who date (i.e. white people) and their other "ways of life" it's just that she can't understand them herself. So a lot her fears (and occasional selfishness) really stems from preserving the only ways, or truth, she has ever known.

    Also, I guess my parents were all concerned, asking around about Hinduism. Now my mom is a huge gossip whose genuine caring for me is often questionalbe, so she could just be trying to start drama for her own sake (she has a pretty sad, unproductive life). My dad didn't express any concern to me, but maybe he's curious too as I said if I end up with R we'll raise the kiddos Hindu. But, my parents haven't really been that supportive of me so their opinions really don't affect me all that much.

    Again, as R and I are getting more "public" with our relationship in his family I'm starting to understand the ripple effect--in our experience it's much more prominent on his side. The idea that some of his family members, or mother, might have all sorts of crazy notions about me used to sort of bug me. But the more I am secure and trusting of R, the more those fears seem to subside (i.e. at least HE knows the real me).

    I'm just not looking forward to what is going to be quite a traumatic process for his mother. I hate seeing people hurting--even (and especially?) if they are people who are their own worst enemies and could take the pain away themselves.

    I'm also not sure if his mother (or family) will ever really see me for who I am...if I will always just be this thorn, this huge symbol of Telugu destruction to his family. It's definitely a good question considering his mom has never worked or really experienced anything much at all outside the culture. I'd love to cling to the idealistic notion that when they meet me and know my openness they will accept me--but I can't be 100% certain of that. I can't even be half certain. It feels like kind of a risk, a gamble. But sometimes risks are worth taking for the right person, I think.. .
  • D
    I actually think that my intercultural relationship had more of an impact on my family than on G's family. His mom's uncle married a white lady way back in the 60's and there were quite a few cousins that married white people more recently, so they're pretty used to it. In fact, upon hearing of our engagement, one of his uncles proclaimed, "I'm so happy about how international our family has become!" On the other hand, I'm the first person in my family to have an intercultural/interracial relationship. Everyone was fine with it and everyone loves G (except, I'm sure, for a couple of really racist family members with whom I've cut off contact for other reasons), but I don't think it ever occurred to anyone that they'd have an Indian guy in the family. It's also affected non-family: my mom got all fired up at one of her coworkers who made a "Not Without My Daughter" remark when my mom told her about G. Go mom, fight ignorance! :)
  • @ NeoKalypso: I hope the process starts going a bit more smoothly for you. Have you tried finding some common ground with R's mom?

    @ D: my mom is exactly the same way about promoting intercultural relationships to the people around her!
  • I agree, we do send ripples through society, and I think the challenges we face & figure out in intercultural relationships have a lot of relevance for the broader society.

    NeoKalypso I really feel for you that you don't have more family support.

    My family have generally been supportive, tho the two year old niece running from the room screaming when she saw her first black man (my ex) was a tad embarrassing for everyone. She lives in rural Australia, & when she was two there were no Africans at all. Now there are refugees being settled in country towns so it's quite different.

    I think my parents have enjoyed the novelty value of an African son-in-law but have also come to appreciate him for himself. Although we have been separated many years, they still send money to him & his new family at Xmas.

    We've also been lucky that his family don't have a problem with me. They have always welcomed me when I visited Ghana.
  • I'm glad your family & his family have been so supportive, Maamej. My parents divorced when I was quite little, but the two families still keep in contact - my two sets of grandparents regularly meet up for card games, for instance!
  • Thanks for the thoughts Gori and Maamej. Um, R's mom is obstinate about acknowledging my existence and already throwing around a few outlandish threats. Thankfully, R's sister and many of the other 2nd generationers are very supportive and seem to like me quite well.

    Sometimes I wish I had more of a supportive family myself--it's actually almost another layer I need to figure out give how uber-linked R's Indian community/family (most Indian communities/families) are.

    R says give it time---he's 80% sure his mom will come around because there's no way she's going to miss out on his major life events.

    This is tough though... a lot to take in. Very different from what I'm used to. But I have kind of had a super-individualist, self-directed life so far. So it's hard to know how this will all pan out...
  • ps, haven't met the parents yet... we are waiting until some of this emotional response from his mom will die down (hopefully)
  • My husband and I have really reflecting on how our children will be affected by our "intercultural relationship" as well. There will be some blending of cultures but it sure would be nice if they're as well integrated into the cultures as can be possible. Language is another biggie too...
  • Primerosol
    I very much appreciate your post. My partner and I have been facing my family’s reaction to our upcoming wedding and it has been very difficult. I’m from Mexico City and she is from Boston. Her family has been very supportive of our life’s choices. However, my more conservative family in Mexico has reacted in very strong emotional terms to the way we are planning our wedding, not to mention the ways in which we live our lives and particularly in the ways in which I have “changed”. What you describe in your post is uncannily accurate in regards to their reactions and what they’ve told me about how they feel about this. My mother thinks that I am betraying my country and my family and my siblings have each reacted in ways I would have never imagined a few months ago. I feel alienated from my family, and that has been painful. Although, I must admit that I did not think very much about their feelings about this, I thought that they would be happy with my happiness; perhaps I was selfish on this.
  • sf
    Primerosol - It's interesting to hear that this pattern is similar even when the particular cultures involved are different (my husband, like GoriGirl's, is Indian, while I'm caucasian american).

    I've wondered if some of the difficulty involved in Indian-American relationships relates to the on average closer family ties in many Indian families than many US families. Not necessarily that American families don't care about each other, but perhaps that there's maybe on average less concern that what your family members do will "reflect" on you - which can make it hard for the American member of a couple to realize how widespread the ramifications of all this can be for their significant other's family. And, in addition, there's a stronger expectation that you'll be able to rely on your family members for real financial and social support as you get older.

    I'd be interested in how these kinds of things compare to your situation - how general they might be to intercultural relationships involving americans / western europeans.

    Also, of course I wish you the best of luck in navigating it all!
  • Primerosol
    Sf- Thank you! I think that you have touched on an important point: ‘what your family members do will “reflect” on you’. For example, the big problem with my brother right now is that he expected me to fulfill a series of social forms that weren’t even on my radar. And for him it was twice as shocking when I said that I hadn’t even thought of following those forms. To him my actions, or lack there of, reflected badly on him, and therefore on my mum and dad. My partner and I met in Scotland, in Edinburgh, while I was doing a post-grad degree and she an undergrad. For several years our lives were completely independent from our families, and coming back to Mexico as a couple has been, for both of us, a serious culture shock. Is not that I ceased to care about my family, is that I think I developed a clear separation between my self as an individual and them. And my family seems to think of me as part-of-them. It really confuses them when I do something unexpected or what they perceive as out of character. They thought they knew me, and now they don’t know how to relate to what they perceive as a new person. Everything that I do or say has emotional and social implications, and I am just not used to thinking about them all the time any more. Besides, I don’t think that I, personally, want to live following their traditions and values. I want to respect who they are and the way they see the world, but I want them to, or, rather, I wish they could, respect who I am.
    To be completely honest I hadn’t even thought of the real implications of my relationship with them. I thought it was not such big a deal, until everything began to collapse. It wasn’t until I read GoriGirl’s post that I began to understand that my family was not the only one, and that our intercultural relationship is probably very hard for them to understand. It has made me rethink my attitudes towards them, which until now had been a bit defensive, and now I try to be more understanding. I just hope it is not too late.
  • sf
    Primerosol - Your comment is really touching. So far in my life, I've remained optimistic that if all parties involved at least try to see where the others are coming from and are earnest in wanting things to work out, which it sure sounds like is true in your case, that there has to be some way for it to come together, even if there have been rocky parts getting to that point... but the "reflecting on family" part sure can make that hard.

    I know when my husband and I decided to get married, one significant implication of our actions was going to be that it would potentially become significantly harder for his brother to have an arranged marriage if he decided he wanted one down the line. I think my husband was more willing to say "well, that's just how it goes..." than I was - I really worried about this part of it for quite a while (and still do, some). We were fortunate that while his family certainly cares about how they're viewed by friends and neighbors (as became very clear during wedding-planning! But, who doesn't, when it's their friends and neighbors that are in question?), they're none-the-less willing to have a bit of an eccentric reputation (in fact, his father had been working hard to build one of his own well before I ended up in the picture). So, there was less of a sense of my destroying a what had been a perfectly constructed picture. But, the idea that his brother's life could be so radically altered really did shake me.

    One thing that I think will still always be a bit of an issue for us will be how this plays out financially, too - an area where things become much more concrete. As the oldest male in group of cousins, there is an expectation that he will contribute to education or wedding expenses for particularly younger female cousins at various points. And, I think in the context where there's a constant ebb and flow of financial and social support back and forth amongst close family, this can make a lot of sense... but, it gets much more confusing when we're over here in the US, and assumptions about how much money we make vs need are suddenly much more ambiguous. In addition, it starts to affect my family, too - my parents have spent their whole lives saving for retirement, and hope that they will be able to help us every now and then... but they would feel very weird about that money then being passed along to the in-laws. Which isn't to say I don't think we'll be able to negotiate it or that it won't work out overall - just... it gets complicated so fast, sometimes.

    I've really appreciated reading your comments, and very much hope things work out. This probably sounds a little silly, but if there are ways we could help here on the blog, I hope you'll let us know!
  • Travelergal
    I need your advice so here goes...my boyfriend recently told his parents about me (he is in India right now so of course he sent me this by email). I am a white American girl and he is a South Indian man. Are their comments normal? What can I do at this point to begin the process of "Slow Acclimation"? I want them to eventually accept me but I have no idea where to begin or what I should do at this point! Any advice would be great!!

    Edit by Gori Girl: I've hoisted this comment up to a post, so I'm just going to leave this little bit here. If you'd like to comment on Travelergal's questions there (instead of here), that'd be great!
  • Deleted by, well, me. To see my response to Travelergal, please go here.
  • galaxie
    I was going to comment about Travelergal's situation, but since you're going to make a post about it I'll wait until that's up.
  • @ NeoKalypso - I'm glad that R's sticking up for you regarding his family. As you probably realize, I'm firmly in the camp of "given enough time, (family) things tend to work themselves out."

    @ Laura - glad to see you stopping by, and I'm glad you mentioned kids! Eventual progeny was actually on my outline of "people who are affected" when I was drawing up the post, but it somehow didn't get into the final product. I guess when you don't have any yet, it's hard to remember 'em. :)

    P.S. Looking forward to reading more on your blog!

    @ Primerosal - I'm glad you found the post helpful. And, to echo sf, it's interesting to hear how things are different & similar in another country/culture. We tend to have a bit of a South Asian twist here, but other cultures are always welcome!

    I'm sorry to hear that you've been having family troubles, though. It's very difficult for me to remember that my actions affect my family too. I have a very independent, "don't care about social status" mindset, and can often forget that others don't have the same sort of orientation.

    I think I corresponded with your fiancee on the Indiebride forums here, so I won't repeat myself (no time to, anyways :) ). But do know that I hope things work out for you guys! Also, if you have a specific question or are looking for some others' take on things, email me, and I can set up a post like I did with Travelergal.

    @ sf - great insights! I feel very lucky that Aditya's the youngest in his family (by quite a bit), so there weren't any worries about ruining sibling or cousin's arranged marriages. So far we haven't had to deal much with extended family finances, although we'll going to start sending his parents money soonish - I'll write a blog post about this, well, sometime after finals.
  • CaliforniaTransplant
    SF - I just wanted to say that I can relate to your discussion of family obligations and finances. M is the eldest son of the eldest son (and the oldest of a big group of cousins), and while I don't think he'll be expected to contribute to weddings and education of his younger cousins - although, come to think of it, I probably should check on this! - he does contribute some money monthly to his parents which he considers an important obligation (and I really do like that he wants to help them out - especially when they have made a lot of sacrifices in their own life to provide him with a good life). My parents, like yours, have worked very hard all their life to save money, and I'm sure that they will also want to help M and I out at times in the future. I feel the same sort of weirdness the idea that money from my parents may be passed along to support the in-laws, because I'm certain that's not how my parents would envision us using it. I think we can negotiate it too - but I can see your point about how complicated it can get!
  • Primerosol
    GoriGirl and SF – Didn’t mean to be rude with my silence. It has just been very very hectic around here for the last week or so. I am a university lecturer and the semester is coming to an end here. Also, we moving again next Monday and we are trying to sort all that too.

    GoriGirl, thank you for your kind offer. Your post was very helpful indeed. It opened my eyes to the extent of the situation which I had not considered until I read it.

    SF – Thank you for your comment and for the support. What you have done already has been great help: just to know that someone out there has gone through similar experiences has helped me a great deal.

    Things are moving fast. Guests are arriving next week. I hope that there are no diplomatic disasters. At this point, all I want… I just realized that I don’t really know what I want or what to expect. I love my family and I also love my girlfriend’s family...
  • rt84
    Hi, I Am a Brahmin gal in love with a non brahmin guy but we both hail from Chennai and speak Tamil.Both of our parents are not agreeing for this just b'coz we belong to a different caste.We both worship same Hindu God,have common culture with vegetarian food habits,both are in gud position in our job too but parents just see the caste part.And they emotionally blackmail me and scream and shout at me daily non stop for hours together in abusive language.We tried to convince them,but nothing is working out.We thought time would heal everything but things are becoming worst day by day.They will be more bothered about society and relatives but not about my future and how I can marry another guy and lead a happy life for next 40 years just for their sake.Net result is that we lost our happiness totally and daily getting scoldings and mental torture coz of them.India will never change and Indian parents are pathetic (Exceptions are always there).
  • sf
    @rt84 - I'm so sorry to hear of what a tough time you're having! It is surprising sometimes to realize that even when two people's family backgrounds are actually very similar, the opposition from family can sometimes be just as strong as when they're very different - for example, my grandparents, growing up in the same small farming town with only slightly different protestant faiths married in the face of extreme family opposition and disapproval (such that today, more than 65 years later, my always-so-calm grandfather still gets visibly angry when he talks about it). I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now.

    From what I've seen/heard of others' stories, it seems like it can be hard to predict how things will change in the future - sometimes parents really come 'round with an official marriage / the birth of a grandchild, and sometimes they don't - but I'm sure you probably have even more experience than I with these matters.

    Do you live in India currently, or in the US, or somewhere else? Do either of you live with your parents? Are there other family members that are supportive?
  • galaxie
    rt84, my advice is to wait it out. It gets worse before it gets better, but eventually it will get better if you don't give any ground. (It worked for my guy and me, and I'm white! We both live in the US, but his parents are from India, and when we first told them they threatened to move the whole family back there. Over time, they calmed down, and they are mostly ok with me now.)

    Be respectful even while they're screaming, try to address the things they're worried about, but never even hint that you will marry anyone else. If you give in, they'll realize that screaming and crying works eventually, and they'll use it again eventually. Some people have to actually start planning weddings before their parents accept their decisions. Some people get married and their parents don't come around until afterward. You have to think about whether you are prepared to accept that situation, or if you won't marry without their blessing.
  • Just wanted to say hello to all...great chats going on!!! Galaxie we are glad to see you over here :). Carry on!
  • @ rt84: First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry your parents have been treating you this way - what you've described is borderline emotional abuse, and that is just horrible. Second, it looks like you might need to decide what matters most to you - marrying your guy, or having your parents' approval. That's a tough decision to make, but if they aren't willing to accept your relationship, it's one you'll be forced to face. Not fair of them to put you in this position, but that's how things are nonetheless.

    From your post, I'm assuming that you're an adult, with an independent career, but are still living with your folks in Chennai. If so, you have options open to you. For instance, you could move out, and avoid interacting with your parents until they can control themselves enough to not yell. However, it's possible that living in Chennai (big as it is), and continuing to interact with relatives and people from your parents' social circle will keep the situation miserable. In that case you might consider moving (with or without your guy) to another city - India is a BIG country, and I know of many intercaste couples who have no trouble in places like Bombay, Delhi, or Calcutta.

    Finally, I want to remind you to not lose hope. If you look back three generations in the US, you'll see a time where interracial marriages were illegal. At the same time in India, women were rarely educated or held jobs outside of the home - unlike the women of today. India *is* changing, and it will continue to change partly because people like you who decide that caste (among other things) shouldn't be a barrier to love. Your actions may allow a younger sister or cousin to follow his or her dreams, even if they aren't sanctioned by older generations.

    Oh, and sf & galaxie have great advice, so be sure to read & think about it.
  • sophia
    NeoKalypso,

    I was reading the comments here and your comment's about R's Mom struck me. My fiance's Mother had a hard time getting used to the idea of me too and the threat and refusal to even say my name or acknowledge me is something I dealt with too. They came here to the US to visit and it was difficult but they are good people and they were kind to me. I just did my best to try and be polite and kind to his Mom and Dad and tried my best to show them respect, in the way an Indian girl would do.



    Depending on how traditional they are, his Mom may take some time to get used to the idea of you because she probably hasn't had much of a chance to know many non Indians and she only has the images on TV and Movies to form opinions from.



    Also, she has most likely been dreaming of the big fancy party she can throw for her son when she marries him off and is probably fearful that your relationship with her son will mean a loss of the social standing that marrying her son off to a proper Indian girl would bring her. She is probably afraid that she will be laughed at if you aren't willing to submit to many of their traditions while in their family home (while you are visiting).



    My soon to be mother in law was very concerned that I wouldn't be willing to touch people's feet at the wedding or cover my head in front of elders while in their home. She was scared that I would be too opinionated and argue with her about how things should be done. All I could do was smile at her and say "No, Auntyji no worries. When in Rome, na?" or "Antyji, I don't know about these things but I am hoping you will teach me so I don't make any mistakes, OK?" But only time can prove these things to her so, all you can do it be patient and be as respectful to her as possible.



    After I met the Indian parents and they saw that I wanted to make every effort to smooth the relations between all of us, they started to thaw out. His mother took a couple of months to come around but she has come around. I wasn't until after she returned to India and had some time to process it all that she really came around. That was about 5 months after she first found out about me. A month or so, after they returned to India she told my fiance (then just a boyfriend still) that I am good, that I am making sacrifices too and that she shouldn't care too much about me being white. Now see, that is some serious improvement from not even being willing to say my name!



    Now that my fiance and I have decided to marry, the whole family has opened their arms to me and are welcoming me with such love and affection, it is overwhelming. I continue to try and show his Mom respect and caring. It is important that she not fear that I will steal her son away. I email her regularly, even if at first she didn't always email me back. My fiance and I call her regularly and tell her the little details in our lives (we went shopping today, rice was a whole $1 more than the last time we bought it!, stuff like that) so that she feels included. We remember her on her Birthday and other occasions and I make a point to tell her that I miss her and that her son misses her too.



    After all, in their culture they have always believed that they will raise their sons, marry them off and gain a bahu but always have the son with them in the family home. Imagine how difficult and scary it would be to think that you might lose your son to another culture because he has fallen in love with a women from another place? Will he ever come home? Will she allow him to live in India again? Will she allow us to live with them if we fall sick when we are old? Will she respect us and our customs?



    Another thing is this, if they are very traditional and his Father is open to you. You can probably expect that his Mother will come around as will the rest of his family members (immediate family that is) because after all, it is the good ol' patriarchal set up in India (especially the North) and what Papa says goes. So, gauge the difficulty you are having by his reaction to your presence and temper that difficulty with he knowledge that they love their son and they won't want to lose him. I had many Indian friends tell me this one thing "Parents love their children too much. They always come around, eventually. Just hang in there." :-) Be strong and try to have some peace of mind. Whatever happens, it is happening for the best.



    Good luck,



    Sophia
  • Hi Sophia! I wrote you this whole note but for some reason it didn't post... anyway...THANK YOU for all your kind words!! So much of what you said really rings true to me... if you'd like you can go see my post about pre-meeting the parents...

    http://neokalypso.wordpress.com
  • D
    I had an a warm fuzzy moment that I wanted to share. I just got an e-mail forward from my MIL that starts "Please forward this to all Indians. Proud to be an Indian!" (It's about the Indian national anthem being pronounced the best national anthem in the world. The forward is not actually true, but that's ok.) I thought it was adorable that she sent it to little whitey me. :)
  • deannalee
    Hi I am a white girl dating an Indian guy for about a year and a half! Things are beginning to get really serious with us we are talking about marriage and we are also planning a trip over to India. As of now I have not met any members of his family and we have not told any of them. I was just wondering what I should expect when I met his mother who is coming to the US for a visit ? My parents absolutely support us and all of my family have made him a part of their lives. But he says his mother will probably take a long time to warm up to the ideal of he and I together.
  • Hi deannalee, and welcome to the blog! :-)

    As you've probably learned by now, there are a lot of different subcultures in India - urban, rural, Hindu, Muslim, North, South, East, etc, etc - and, of course, every family is different. So I'm a little bit hesitant to give you specific advice regarding "what you should expect", since what I've experienced with my husband's family might not be much like what your boyfriend's family is like.

    However, I do think that there are some general strategies that you can follow that could help you prepare to meet his parents - at least, the strategies helped me when I was in the same situation, as well as a few of the readers here. You can read about them to some extent on this post. Two other posts that deal with the issue of family resistance to an intercultural relationship can be found here and here. Be sure to read the comments section in all of these posts, as they're chock full of personal experiences and good tips from some of the readers here. Finally, if you'd like to discuss your specific circumstance with more details, you're welcome to send me an email (gorigirl.admin@gmail.com or use the contact form in the "Got a Question?" section above) and we can either discuss it one-on-one or I can make a post about it and you can get feedback from everyone.

    Hope things go along smoothly for you & your guy!
  • Kim_MK
    Hi

    I know that no one has contributed to this blog for quite a while now, but I wanted to add my current experiences and hopefully seek some advice.

    I recently told my parents about my white boyfriend very recently. They were shocked, upset and devasted to say the least. They shouted and got very very angry. I have already posted a few comments about my situation on the blog: “Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?” so I’ll try not to repeat things here.

    My parents have not properly spoke to me since I told them, I do have my own place but have been staying at home in the hope that they would talk to me. Sadly all they have said to me is “end it!” Yesterday they confronted me again asking if I had ended it with my boyfriend, and when I replied no, they were angry and said that I have no care for them or their position in society. They are scared that they will be disowned by society because of me, that people will make malicious remarks about their daughter “running off with a white guy”, how they will feel deeply embarrassed that I am with a white guy if they had to invite me round for a festival, and that people would wonder why my parents didn’t try to stop me from the relationship and no wonder I didn’t find any of the suitors that family and friends suggested suitable.

    The fact is I do care about my parents and it scares me that family and friends will disown them or say malicious things out of spite (this is not uncommon in Indian culture). But at the same time I’m trying to make my parents understand about my happiness and how I feel about somebody I have met.
    I thought my parents would disown and ‘kick me out of the house’ when I told them, instead they’ve given me the silent treatment and telling me about the stress and headache and heartache that I will be causing them and the rest of my family by continuing with my boyfriend.

    It’s hard having to live in this situation where no one talks to you (my dad just gives me dirty looks and my mum ignores me), its hard hearing the things that my parents say to me, and to be honest, I don’t know what effect that will have on the relationship with me and my boyfriend. I care and love about my parents and I want them to understand that I am happy. My sibling can’t understand why I would even still think about being with my boyfriend after everything my parents have said….
    I don’t have doubts about my boyfriend, but as with anything in life, you never know what’s around the corner. So I think that to date, the relationship I’ve had with my boyfriend has been great. But when my parents say things to me in anger it’s starting to make me doubt things…I know I have a lot to lose if I continue my relationship – my parents, my sibling, my close family and family friends, my parents could lose the respect in the community…The ripple effect….

    It scares me… and I am having to weigh up things.
  • Hey Kim -

    I suspect you'll get a much better response if you post your story in the forums. If you want, I can get a topic started there for you.
  • I think it's amazing how family plays such a big part in things when it comes to families outside of the Western Hemisphere. I dated someone who was from Africa and even though we shared the same skin tone our "loyalties" couldn't have been anymore different. I guess I couldn't see how you could have your identity be wrapped up in some one elses view but if I wasn't raised that way - who am I to say, really?
  • Ms. Mary
    Hi Kim_MK

    My boyfriend and me have been - more or less - in the same situation. For giving an advice, I guess it's best to share the thoughts of my boyfriend since he's sharing your Indian background.

    It's a big step you've taken, that you've told your parents about your relationship.I can imagine how stressful only the consideration of doing so must have been for you! But now that you've let the cat out of the bag, don't you feel relieved? Out of my experience, most parents regard dishonesty and hiding things as far more disappointing than the matter itself (at least this applies to my parents). When my boyfriend revealed his relationship to his parents, they were shocked and devastated, same as your parents. My boyfriend hoped that his parents would change their mind within a month, but that did not work out. So he decided to split up because he couldn't imagine that things would change, so he thought that a horrible end was better than horror without end. This could be true in some way. Certainly, your parents will be relieved, but what about you? This question is perhaps easier to answer for "Westerners" due to the more individualistic society we live in. In the end, however, my boyfriend came up with the same answer: he has to lead his life, not his parents.

    This was an extremely painful process for both of us (the weighing of argument - should we or not?) Just imagine how you would feel if you gave in, succumbing to you parents' will. You might lose the one you love, and I don't know what your parents will expect next from you? Arranged marriage? Could you live with this option? Marrying a different person, but mourning the love you've lost for a lifetime? Sadly, there a many Indians who did and do so. Needless to say that this would be pretty unfair to the man your family will choose for you.

    You wrote that uncle has married a European - maybe you could seek his advice, too. I'm very sure that he could become your best ally in convincing your family! I'd be grateful if someone from my boyfriend's side would have done something unconventional ;)

    Is your boyfriend involved, too? Have you talked to him that it won't be easy and that the two of you have to take the plunge (compromises etc.)? Did you talk about future expectations you have? Is he ready for "messing around", are you? You as a couple have to be committed to each other and convinced about what you're doing.

    Btw, did your parents "only" point out that they would lose face if you married your boyfriend, or were there other concerns? Maybe you should address these problems with your parents, make clear that you love them, but that their behavior won't change anything.

    Hope I could help you at least a bit ;)
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