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There’s just something about being in India for Diwali that is unexplainable.I celebrated in Chennai two years and it was AMAZING. One year I was in Kanchipuram. that is a totally different experience as celebrations are more focused in going to temples than my friends in Chennai. But, It’s something that I find hard to put into words. Honestly when I was there I did not appreciate it as much as I do now. It was loud and overwhelming when I was there- but that loud, overwhelming feeling is not felt for me in any holiday in US maybe except fourth of July.

Sorry I can’t explain it better! Maybe someday.

The book I linked to seems to be a pretty good introductory text to ethics, albeit with a Christian slant. I can’t recommend it specifically, as I’ve only read the one chapter I linked to (which I thought was very good for the audience it’s aimed at). A number of other introductory texts to ethics are recommended here. If there’s a specific topic you’re interested in, I might be able to help you further… I didn’t have a specific textbook for my ethical theory course, but I was a philosophy major with a specialty in applied ethics, so I have a decent background in the subject.

Jennifer, I don’t quite understand/see the connection in
“Also in India or where ever the SPIRIT is there- everyone else is doing it or trying their best to do it- and this isn’t so in America. That’s why there’s no place like India to celebrate Diwali, and no place like Kerala to celebrate Onam, etc. etc.”
What do you mean by this? I mean, likewise, there’s no place like the US to celebrate the Fourth of July, no place like Isreal to celebrate Yom Kipper, etc, etc.

By the way… thanks for the advice everyone, every new perspective really helps me look at the whole issue with a fresh pair of eyes!

“For instance, he forgets to say the automatic (to me, at least) please’s & thank you’s in day-to-day life – and I forget to remember that it’s not at all automatic for him.”

I had to learn this too! MIM says if you are friends or family, you needn’t say please or thank you; it is silently understood. I try my best not to say it all of the time, but it was the way I was raised! And when he doesn’t say it, I will admit to getting a little bit offended. I’m ok with it now, and simply had to accept this difference and not expect it.

Like Aditya, I think gender roles – and how we navigate them – are quite nuanced, even when dealing with only one culture’s beliefs and strictures. And I don’t think all of this comes easy for a modern monoculture couple committed to equality, either.

For example, when Aditya and I are operating in a our typical social scene here in the US – probably best described as a “white-collar, young, urban, diverse, vaguely-hipster milieu” – we both still need to make an effort to make sure neither one of us is carrying the lion’s share of the burden of hosting & food-making. For us, that means creating an open social space where it’s natural for socializing to happen in the kitchen – where we both work to get things going (Aditya mixes drinks, I grab snacks and beer for guests.) We’re not always perfect at this – at one BBQ this year, for instance, Aditya felt really left out of the social sphere because he was grilling on the patio by himself while I was socializing with the guests indoors. After that event, we talked it over, and I made efforts to make sure he didn’t feel put upon at future events. I don’t think this is something that comes naturally to most couples – and I do think planning a “socializing strategy” as it were can help defuse tensions. Even if it looks somewhat awkward to guests (like my maneuvers to get people to hang out on the deck with Grill Master Aditya), I think it’s important to simply acknowledge that, as a couple, you want to share equally in the hosting functions, since yours is an equal partnership. For me, it’s saying “let’s all go hang out on the deck so Aditya isn’t out there alone.” (I’m not subtle.) For you guys, it might be P standing up when tea & snack time comes, and saying, “let me go give Americanepali a hand with the tea – we’ll be right back.”

This is a long way of saying that one of the things I was struck with while reading your comment was how, to a large extent, your experience with Nepali social protocols could read identical to some subcultures within the US or other Western countries, (or things that we struggle with in any culture). Certainly, it seems quite similar to what I see when visiting the branch of my family which are of the fundamentalist Christian mindset.

When you said

P and I share household responsibilities, its just when these older people are around where there seems to be this unspoken social pressure to conform in a certain way or “disappoint” people, or worse yet– confirm their preconceived notions on what a (female) “westerner” is like. I don’t know… maybe I’m just blowing it out of proportion, but I really struggle with this.

I immediately thought of these family members. I’m sure that my actions & beliefs disappoint them – and confirm preconceived notions of what athiestic, feminist-ish women are like (they do love & welcome me, anyways).

I don’t think there’s a simple way out of that disappointment, when you run across fundamental disagreements about gender roles (or any other cultural beliefs). It’s just like, well, I’m sure my MIL is a little disappointed that she doesn’t have a Bengali DIL instead of me (Here’s a great post on that topic from a non-Korean DIL). The disappointment over these cultural value disagreements doesn’t imply, tho, that you must fall into the stereotype of “the American woman.” I think there are ways to show your caring – that you are helpful, that you can take care of a household, etc – while still firmly presenting your own values in a matter-of-fact, “this is the way we do it in this household” sort of way.

…and now I’m rambling, so I’ll just leave off there.

And it’s through my family’s growing ties to India that I’m really getting an understanding of who we are as a family, as I’m sure you all do in your cross-cultural relationships.

After all, one’s identity can only be defined by comparison with someone else’s, no? As Gori says above we can’t make a choice about the way we socialize, and by that learn what our socializing preferences are, if we know only of one for of socializing, the one we’ve always conformed to.

I agree, fascinating discussion! Though my head’s spinning with all the thoughts going round right now