What Counts as an Intercultural Relationship?

For the record - even after “microwaving” the milk is cooler than room temperature… I prefer to reserve my chewing for the flakes - instead of wasting it on semi-frozen milk.

I like my GrapeNuts warm. Sometimes I eat my Frosted Mini Wheats warm, too. Really anything tough I think is better warm. But I do think I would draw the lines at, say, Chex or Frosted Flakes with warm milk.

As for ICRs, I don’t think we’re TOO much like that, but my husband and I have some definite cultural differences; I grew up very liberal Christian in Los Angeles, he grew up Mormon in Dallas, and some of the issues you describe, we have now and then– how we were raised definitely affects our relationships, and I think among Americans, unless you were raised in the same or very similar communities, there’s a good chance you’ll have some cultural issues when you try to have a relationship! (For instance, “barbeque” to me means tri-tip or skinless chicken on the grill, marinated but with no sauce, not smoked brisket or ribs smothered in sauce made with liquid smoke– and for that matter, liquid smoke does not belong in baked beans, or really anything else… Not a BIG issue, not even as big as some of the ones we run into now and again, but very illustrative.)

Interesting post. As someone who’s also in an intercultural relationship, I can definitely relate to this. While it might be milk for you and your partner, my relationship’s distinct difference centers around my cultural habit of eating rice (I’m Asian/Pacific Islander) and my usually Asian-centric dietary choices.

However, the racial aspect of this subject becomes a little blurry particularly in Hawaii where I live, where the social framework is basically a hodge-podge of eastern and western cultures.

Yesterday Aditya overheated his milk in the microwave. I would have laughed at him, but I was afraid he’d do something in retaliation, like pour his milk on my head. We’re not exactly morning people around here.

Anne, it’s certainly true that if two people grew up in different subcultures in the US, such as you and your husband, there will be some cultural confusion from time to time. However, I’m not sure if I’d generally call people from different subcultures “intercultural” - there’s still the dominant American culture that they both get exposed to, so there tends to be more similarities than differences in their cultural upbringing. Of course, this isn’t always true - I imagine a relationship between, say, someone from the Amish population, and a New York City socialite would be about as intercultural as you can get.

Hi Dale - thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! I have family in Hawaii, and have heard quite a bit about how racially mixed the islands are. While milk isn’t *really* an issue between Aditya and me - just something we tease each other about, I can see how rice could be. For a lot of my Asian friends rice is a staple to be eaten at pretty much every meal, but that’s certainly not the case in American culture overall. If you don’t mind sharing, what’s your partner’s race/ethnicity?

Hi Gori Girl - Thanks for the warm welcome and leaving a comment on my partner’s blog. She’s Caucasian — a mix of Dutch and German if my memory serves me right. I’m a mix of Filipino and a little bit of Thai and Irish.

Hi! Great post! I’m a midwestern 35-year-old white woman from the midwest and “he” is a 50-year-old old black Jamaican man residing in Canada. ‘Nuff said (meaning: I love this blog already!)

Actually, the more “intercultural” part of our relationship is the religions we were raised in– Mormon subculture is Very Different in many ways from mainstream American culture, where I was raised. While I converted before I met him, I still often feel like I have not “fully assimilated” into Mormon subculture, it can be very wondrous and strange at times. When this mostly comes up is expectations and plans for our children, and child-rearing decisions. We often come from very different perspectives in that area. Also things that are not doctrine of the Church but “everyone knows”– well, as a convert in my adult years, I don’t know them. And often they lead to disputes. (He tried to insist that I should always take the Sacrament with my right hand. I refused to just on principle, and refuse to teach my children that that’s the only right way to do it. Stuff like that…)

Thanks for sharing, Dale - hope to hear more from you in the future.

Rachel, thanks for stopping by & leaving a comment. I’m glad you like what I’m doing here - if you have any questions, or content you’d like to see on the blog, feel free to shoot me an email.

Anne, you’re right that the religious aspect of your marriage certainly makes you pretty intercultural. That hadn’t quite clicked for me!

Hmmm.

So… if I am a white American who grew up entirely stateside, and my husband was born and raised in southern India with a different native tongue, religion, diet, and everything else… but, the differences that come up for us are most often of the warmed-milk variety (as adults, both secularly-oriented academic types)… does that mean we’re not in an ICR after all?

I do wonder sometimes how much might come up later that we just haven’t noticed yet - for example, when we have kids. For now, though, nothing’s been as big an issue as anything that came up with previous S.O.’s with whom I had fundamental disagreements on, say, how to save and spend money, or the value of living in the city versus the country.

@ sf: thanks for stopping by and commenting! If the only differences you and your husband have are milk-heating-related, then I think I should nominate you for Best Couple Ever, and forget about quibbling over whether you’re an ICR or not! *grin*

Seriously, though, milk-warming type differences are the most common type of things that come up for Aditya and I as well. But I think this is partly because he’s really adapted well to living in the US - it wasn’t until I visited India that I realized just how many changes he’s had to get used to.

Yeah, that makes sense. I obviously think about it at least some, I suppose, or I wouldn’t be here scouting around on your blog…! Which I’m enjoying, btw, and looking forward to reading more of.

In fact, if you’re open to more topic requests, here are two for you: (1) How are you dealing with language issues? Are you trying to learn any indian language(s)? Do you have any thoughts on whether your kids (if you plan to have any) will be raised bilingual, and if so, how? (2) I got the impression - although I might be wrong - that your husband’s parents live in India. Any thoughts on how things will work as they get older? Are there any things you’re doing now to plan for times when they might have increasing health problems and it will be hard to be so far from them?

Anyways, keep up the writing! And congrats on the wedding - the photo you posted is gorgeous!

My guy lived in India until he was 9, then his family moved here. Sometimes I really notice how different we are, other times it’s amazing how much we are the same.

I think he seems “more Indian” to me now than he did for the years we were just friends. Maybe I just have exposure to more different parts of his life than I used to. He pretty much knows how to live both ways, and chooses a mix of the two.

@ sf: those are both good topic suggestions - and quite broad too! I’ll get up part of my response to #1 tonight, and will continue on as time permits. (We’re in the middle of a move.) The very short answers are: (1) comfortably, slowly, yes, with both of us speaking to them with both/all the languages, and (2) right impression, vague ideas at this point, yes.

I have a quick question for you too - in your original comment you said you were both “…academic types” - does this mean you’re in academia, or just like acadmic topics? Both are totally cool, but I was just wondering because I’m currently in a Ph.D program.

@ galaxie: I had a lot of friends in high school who had come to the US as children - they always seemed so Americanized, except for those few times when they didn’t, if that makes any sense. And those few times normally happened when I saw them outside of big social settings - like at home with their parents, or when there were just a few people around. Maybe there’s something similar going on with you and your guy?

Yeah, basically. Most of our mutual friends are non-Indian, so he didn’t do or mention a lot of Indian-specific stuff around me until we spent more time by ourselves.