Wow, still a relative newbie to this blog but every post and the comments which follow really give me food for thought. Can I just say how *great* it is to share?!

I can really relate to what you say, mocroidh, about being constantly showered with “gifts”. I haven’t encountered the issue over saying “thank you” so I feel I can at least get that message over, but whether it’s a diary, chocolate or an entire box of mangoes, I can’t help sometimes feeling embarrassed at coming away laden with presents. I feel greedy! Even before coming across this blog, I’d begun to think that this very free generosity was a cultural thing to which I would have to accustom myself. It’s not as though I’m a naturally selfish person of that I think my own culture is that – not at all. It’s just that sometimes I worry that it may seem that it’s all take, take, take from my side – “what must people think?!”

My partner and I are, I guess, in quiet a “special” situation because, as a result of some quite unusual circumstances, we both live with our respective families in spite of the fact that we’ve been together over 8 years. I did go through a period when I craved the (apparently conflicting senses of) togetherness and separateness that our own home would provide but since I became closer to his family I actually relish our rather peculiar set-up.

It can be difficult at the best of times to get to know one’s in-laws. In fact, living in close confines with anyone – your own relatives, new roomates, friends even – never fails to turn up difficult situations. I take that as the nature of the beast. I suppose the tricky thing is that while with one’s family one knows the boundaries (and that things almost always bounce back) and with one’s friends one is on equal terms, with the in-laws, there can sometimes be a sense of duty and a worry about negative impact upon your relationship which puts all sorts of extra pressure on you. And can make you feel obliged to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do.

I’m not providing any answers here, I realise – just musing on the topic. It’s interesting what Pecan Pie mentions about even Indian girls not wanting to live with the in-laws. My partner’s cousin-sisters and I have often discussed the future and they are all quite clear on the subject of their own space – and needing it. On the one hand I suppose it might be easier for us goris because I think the expectations of in-laws automatically change. And on the other I think it’s natural that most of us are inclined to want to try as much as possible to be involved with our partner’s family and be pro-active in finding out about cultural practices because, being different, it has an added interest. I think it’s just something to bear in mind … it would drive me bonkers if my mother tidied up my things – so should it different if my in-laws were to do it?

I’m just really grateful that my partner’s family and I have had a long time to get to know each other. I really hope we’re getting to that stage where they won’t pull any punches with me and where I, too, feel I can speak my mind and make decisions for myself. Talking with friends about various situations they’ve encountered with their own in-laws, I suppose in some respects this issue is no different in an inter-cultural/inter-racial relationship than in any other. A little give, take and compromise (gritted teeth, anyone?) …

And there are inevitable up-sides as several people have mentioned here … I mean, once you’re over the first flush of intrusion/embarrassment as you say, GG, it’s great not to have to that extra load of laundry, cook dinner and clean up after working day! I hope a little of my partner’s family’s generosity is rubbing off on me. The what’s-mine-is-yours mentality you mention, mocroidh? I try to remember that when I reach under the sink to find my sister has taken the last of the cotton pads

I’m totally with GG, too, about the bonus of having a few extra pairs of hands around to raise a kid. In these harsh economic times, generational living – mine and his – has a lot to commend itself! Not to mention the fact modern life often ends up spreading family about and it’s easy to become fragmented and uninvolved. It’s great to live close enough to your family and in-laws (or be in regular and open enough contact) to be able to get to know each other as people, as adults – rather than just as a label “mother-in-law”, “dad”, “brother”, even.

On a slightly unrelated matter, I don’t know if it’s possible to view this on youtube worldwide, but the UK television station Channel 4 has been airing a new version of their docu-series, The Family. This time they are following a British Indian family, with cameras having been installed all over their house for the course of one year of their lives. It’s an interesting family set-up. No goris, alas – but makes for some fun viewing:

http://www.youtube.com/user/4oDDocumentaries#g/show/HBD3VuZk2eI

or on the Channel 4 website:

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-family

Phewy, well I’ve monopolised the space long enough! Hope you’re all well and happy.

Take care!

xaspireonfirex

“I've also given up new bottles of nice perfume, purses, and make-up to my MIL. V couldn't understand why I would be upset. He just said he would buy me new stuff. At the time I remember thinking, “but those were mine, how can you just give them to your mom because she wanted them?”

Maybe it's because I was the one coming into the communal living situation as a (sort-of) guest, but I've encountered almost the opposite problem. When I first arrived on the scene, my now-MIL was *constantly* buying me stuff or giving me things – it's lessened somewhat, but she'll still give me “good will” money, or if I just mention off-hand that I like something, she'll automatically go and buy it or give it to me. Of course, it's lovely to receive gifts, but it's also a little uncomfortable for me. The flip side of this is that when I buy her gifts, she's very appreciative, but she either puts them away and won't use them, or she says she'll give them back to me later! Coming from a family/culture where gifts are something you're supposed to use and enjoy (or discreetly return if you don't like them), I've found it a little hard to get used to the Desi gift-giving culture – the re-gifting, buying random items to give as gifts to people, etc.

Maybe there's a cultural difference at work here over one's relationship to personal objects. As you mentioned, the Desi way of relating to “stuff” (i.e., the things you own) is a lot more communal. And there's a certain beauty in the “what's mine is yours” attitude that I think I wouldn't have been aware of or been able to appreciate had I not joined a Desi family.

The first time they came to visit us after marriage was really hard. We had just (Just) moved into our first house and I remember being upset that my husband had called his family the very week we were to move in. What would be the harm in waiting just a month? I wanted time to arrange things the way I wanted them. I wanted to hang pictures and paint walls as I wanted them to be. I knew my MIL's penchant for all knick-knacks (excuse me “show pieces”) and I knew that just wasn't my style. Needless to say, I worked like a mad woman to paint what I wanted to and arrange what I wanted to before their arrival. Now I realize that all they really wanted to do was to be a part of this big moment in our lives (our first home!) They just wanted to share in that experience. I felt a little selfish for wanting more time for V and I to enjoy it alone. After all, it was only a few months and they were going to be gone again.

Like Amanda, we too gave up our master bedroom (because of the privacy of having a bathroom attached) and slept in the guest room. I've also given up new bottles of nice perfume, purses, and make-up to my MIL. V couldn't understand why I would be upset. He just said he would buy me new stuff. At the time I remember thinking, “but those were mine, how can you just give them to your mom because she wanted them?”

I grew up for the most part an only child. I have half-brothers, but they didn't come into the picture until I was older. So I think my sense of possessiveness about “my things” was a lot more pronounced than with people who have brothers and sisters closer in age to themselves. So even though I was willing to share, there were just things I thought of as “mine”. I have to say that my concept of this idea has changed a lot over the years. I'm understanding more of the communal ways of thinking about things that many desi families share. There is now a sense of togetherness and closeness that I feel with V's family that I know that I will probably never feel even with my own.

By the way, V did buy me things to replace things my MIL wanted. And there have been times when I've said no because something had a special significance to me. My mother-in-law is able to understand that.

I love my ILs to pieces and I know they care for me like their own. Getting along in a live-in arrangement seems to me to be all about the balance of things.

GoriGirl, that your father in law cleaned your house is a rare treat! In India you won't generally find that as the home and it's chores is considered female domain or the domain for hired domestic help. I'm glad to hear of a desi father in law stepping up when bahu is at work and domestic help not available. I wonder if he would do that in India?

Guests expiration date being the same as fresh fish is hilarious.

Yes, that's one of the things I appreciate about the West – nobody wants to become a “burden” on anyone and hence tries not to stay long enough to wear out their welcome.

But in India family is never considered a burden, or if they are, it is not talked about (in front of them at least).

The thing I would put my foot down about is “friends” or cousins coming to stay without contributing either financially or domestically (chores) to the home.

I've seen this happen alot.

I've also been struggling to manage my own mom's reactions to my living situation – she's got similar concerns to yours, as I think we've already talked about a bit elsewhere. Haven't quite figured this all out yet, but it helps to know there are other “gori girls” out there dealing with the same problem!

Anyway, if you'd like to chat about this off-site, feel free to contact me via email: meg at sethi dot org.

Personally, I really enjoy the “visit family abroad” type of vacation, because I feel that you get to see more of the “real” country than the average tourist does. However, I do think it's important to explore a bit as a couple or on your own – if only because foreign family doesn't often realize what is unique or different about their own country!

I think your point about significant others not “getting” that what is happening is different than what your culture expects is a really important one. I don't think Aditya immediately realized how different our culture's interpretations of “long visit” were until I started pointing out articles & manners guides which wrote things like how a house guest & a fresh fish have about the same expiration timeline.

Last summer Prajjwal’s family (mother, father, aunt, brother, and sometimes his cousin) stayed with us for 5 weeks (in our very small two bedroom apartment). It was fun but exhausting. On the weekends we drove all around the northeast giving them the “grand tour” (because we weren’t sure when they would come back, and wanted them to get the most out of their experience- plus I really wanted them to learn more about America) and during the weekdays they would wake up well before dawn to start cooking and chatting before we went to work, and when Prajjwal and I got home at night we would sit and entertain until late in the evening (they were well rested since they usually stayed home and napped during the day).

Even though I had a good time, and was really getting a chance to bond, I was so exhausted that one day a friend called and I literally started sobbing on the phone. Now I am starting to gear up for a month long trip to Nepal this summer, and although I am excited about traveling and seeing new places, it recently dawned on me that I won’t be visiting Nepal as a regular visitor where I can decide when and where to do things, but as their future daughter-in-law who has to, more or less, follow what the family is deciding. I’ve stayed with homestay families before but this definitely has a different feel.

I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea of living with the in-laws in a more long term capacity some day, and their extended visit last summer help to calm me a bit, but it is still challenging. I used to be a very independent and private person, who really struggled to listen to rules set down by my own parents, but over the years I’ve mellowed out a bit. As I’ve become more integrated into the different Nepali communities we have lived near, I have grown used to having various houseguests and visitors on a daily basis and I had to learn to “let go” when I couldn’t have control over a situation.

However it can be a challenge for close friends or Prajjwal to understand how “different” this lifestyle can be for me sometimes, that I am really flexible and that it isn’t the way I grew up (often when American co-workers hear about how many visitors we get and for how long, they are truly surprised). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy company 90% of the time, but every now and then I just need “space.” I was actually having a conversation with a friend yesterday, who is nearly like a brother to us, and who has been staying with us for three weeks now. Due to a lot going on at work and feeling tired, I’ve tried to express that I didn’t want “extra” visitors when we have our friend staying with us, so yesterday he asked me, “Colleen, why are you being so antisocial these days? Don’t you like these other people?” when I said, “yes, I’m just tired, and sometimes I need quiet time.” He said, “I don’t understand, I always need to be with other people. My idea of quiet time is sitting in the same room with other people and everyone is doing their own thing and not talking.”

But there is a real difference between having a friend stay for a long time, or even your future brother-in-law (who has stayed with us off and on, for the better part of a year) then your partner’s parents. Added to this I have my mother (who I have mentioned on this blog before) who gets genuinely angry if she thinks I am “bending” too much to Nepali culture, and doesn’t understand why I would show so much “respect” to Prajjwal’s parents (where there is a more formal relationship), and not to her (where there isn’t so much of a lack of respect as a more informal relationship).

Anyway, it worries me about how I will be able to handle not entirely having my own “space” when the in-laws come to stay for extended periods of time, or permanently. I know that Prajjwal’s family is much more liberal than a lot of family’s that I’ve heard about, but I don’t always know what the expectation will be. It is very reassuring to hear the positive stories, and good to hear “survival tactics” from the not-so-good stories. I’d love to hear more from the people who are currently living or have lived with their in-laws.

Thanks for sharing your stories!

My mother in law stays with me at least 3 months each year, and no matter how many times she visits, I haven’t gotten used to this dynamic you so eloquently describe.

Thank you…I look forward to reading more.

I also agree that not getting to vent would make it much harder. I hope the e-sympathy is helping at least a little??