Aditya and I have both been pulling long hours at work during the past couple of weeks. Frankly, it’s rare that we both get home before the night sets in. While we both have careers that have require long hours (my company’s motto: “the hours here are flexible; you can come in as early as you want, and leave as late as you want”), recent project disasters have stretched our workdays beyond our version of normal. This is particularly unfortunate as Aditya’s parents, Maa & Baba, are currently visiting us from India.
Of course, they are here for two months, so it’s not as if we won’t end up having plenty of family time together – but I do wish they didn’t have to spend so much time at our house by themselves. I worry about them getting bored; even Kajol, the energizer puppy, can only go for so many walks. I fret about all the interesting monuments and historic sites we aren’t seeing in the evenings for lack of energy and sunlight. And I’m genuinely distraught that, at some point, they might break The System while we’re away at the office.
The System, you see, is the underlying, um, order that controls the chaos of our lives. It’s the three piles of letters and bills ,discordantly stacked on the counter top, which cannot be mixed. It’s the pile of clothes on the closet floor that magically rotates, allowing for the least wrinkled and least pungent item to float to the top when needed. It’s the random junk strewn all over the living room by my inner Feng Shui master that lets me find the scissors, postage stamps, or a hair band right when I need it. Move one thing, and it’s quite possible that my entire life will be ruined. Or I won’t be able to find my favorite lip balm. Basically the same thing.
Aditya and I have developed The System through many years of practice, and Maa and Baba just can’t hope to learn the dance in only a couple of months. The System is breaking under the weight of four adults in the same space doing their own thing.
First, there were all the delicious Indian leftovers in the fridge – where did my aging vegetables go? Where’s the moldy cheese? Who hid the frozen meals behind all these rotis?
Then there were the piles of clean clothes appearing in our bedroom - I can’t find my sweater; it’s not on the floor or the ironing board, or draped over a chair, or wedged under a couch cushion… oh, the dresser!
Finally, we hit rock bottom when I walked in the door after work one day, and found the Kajol fur dust balls had disappeared, and the wood floors seemed distinctly… shiny.
I enquired about the radically changed appearance of my home, and Baba told me he had cleaned it. Having been raised to be polite, I thanked him profusely, and told him that there was no need to do so much housework during the day. Frankly, I was a little embarrassed at the state that Aditya and I had allowed the house to descend to – especially with guests visiting. Baba replied, saying, in effect, that “No, no, you should not thank me. I consider this my house too, and I have a responsibility to keep it clean.”
I’ll admit that this statement… pricked me a bit. “No,” I thought, “this is my house, and I’ll decide however clean it ought to be. And I can darn well thank you if I want to.” There may have even been a mental image of a tongue sticking out somewhere along the line. Before I could voice these fleeting thoughts, however, the slightly more rational and mature part of my brain asserted itself.
“Wait a second, Gori. You get home tired from work, walk in the door, and are upset that someone cleaned up the house for you? And, hey, did you notice that delicious smelling curry on the stove? You know, an Indian curry, cooked by someone from India, where the whole extended family home is a common thing? And where duties – particularly familial duties – are considered things you just do, not things you’re thanked for? Remember how you and Aditya always use to have arguments over his lack of please & thank you? Yeah… let’s connect those dots now.”
So, yes, some papers were moved out of their traditional place. And it took me two days to hunt down my favorite blue scissors, which Maa absconded with to use while knitting an all green outfit for a grandson on the way (no, not mine, and yes, I suspect he’ll look like a little, but awesome leprechaun). The System is shot, and that can be a little frustrating, even if there are new benefits to this short-term extended family lifestyle that I signed myself up for. But there are benefits – awesome ones in terms of household chores, and even better ones in terms of family time: mornings and nights spent playing cards, watching movies, and discussing Indian and American culture and news.
Could I handle this extend family thing in the long-term? I don’t know. I can be prickly when things don’t meet my expectations, especially at home. I need my alone time, with the door closed, as much as I need air – like any other true introvert. I miss knowing exactly what the statuses of the fridge and pantry are, day and night. Right now it’s working, though, and that’s all that really matters.
I ended up thanking Baba again for cleaning up the house, and told him how much I appreciated his efforts. I do the same thing with Maa when she cooks a lovely dinner for us, or gives me a hand with clearing the table, or even passes me something out of my reach. Growing up, I was taught to thank family members for efforts made, large or small, and to always make requests with a “please”. Maa and Baba are accepting of this strange American quirk of mine.
29. August 2008 at 6:28 am
1) WELCOME BACK! Thrilled to have the update =)
2) This is a great post to read. As the possibility of the in-laws coming for a perhaps quite extended post-baby stay becomes gradually increasingly real, I’m trying to really ask myself how long and how well I truly think I’ll be able to handle such a situation well. I hope can count on myself to do as well as you do in the fine moments described here =)
29. August 2008 at 10:22 am
What a GREAT post!!!! This cracked me up, I’d probably be the same way:
I’ll admit that this statement… pricked me a bit. “No,” I thought, “this is my house, and I’ll decide however clean it ought to be. And I can darn well thank you if I want to.” There may have even been a mental image of a tongue sticking out somewhere along the line.
What I really love about this post is that you truly highlighted a cultural difference…and the nice aspects of it for you! Besides that, you were able to have an awareness of YOUR Americanness. For example, you described how Americans perpetually thank people for things that maybe, just maybe, should really just be part of a natural duty we have for one another (or at least in the Indian sense of things…)??? I love how you explored the aspect of his parents staying with you for so long with an open mind…that’s not easy to do for a westerner accustomed to space and privacy.
I’ve already set a boundary that I’m not commiting to month long plus stay with R’s parents…but this gives me a tiny bit of hope that maybe it won’t be so bad…and maybe it will be kind of cool (R if you are reading this don’t get too excited…it’s just something I may, MAY be open to some day..hehe).
I’m so glad it’s going well for you!!!!!!
29. August 2008 at 10:59 am
Hi Gori,
My Indian in-laws just left Tuesday after spending 6 weeks with us in our studio apartment. It was an adventure and took some flexibility on all of our parts, but I was amazed at how well it went. I actually enjoyed feeling part of a family again. I did have to adjust to my mother in law cooking (she even packed lunches for me and Satya), and to the bathroom “magically” being cleaned, but that wasn’t hard : )
Like you, Satya and I were incredibly busy and stressed out and so didn’t have much time to go sightseeing. Fortunately, we live near downtown so Satya’s parents were able to walk around and do some exploring on their own. We found them travel guides to our city and made sure they had passes for public transportation. I think their favorite thing though was the farmer’s market!
We bonded over looking at photos, his mother dressing me in sarees, and his parents trying to teach me some words of their language.
My advice is to relax, enjoy, try to snatch some moments of privacy, and focus on all the small moments of being a family.
Enjoy!
29. August 2008 at 11:38 am
GG,
this is the first i’ve been on your blog, and it’s awesome that you have such a strong following! i mean, i totally see why — your posts are so thoughtful! will def be talking to you before i meet KB’s mom in a few months
hope to see you guys soon.
~ L
29. August 2008 at 12:19 pm
How funny! I am also a fan of what I call “organized mess.” I even have a sign hanging above my desk at home that says “Please don’t clean up the mess. You’ll confuse me and screw up my world.” My mom saw it at a craft fair and decided she had to get it for me.
I hope you guys are able to get away for a little bit of sightseeing! Although, just hanging out getting to know each other better will be fun, too.
29. August 2008 at 12:37 pm
Really interesting post, Gori! Glad to see you back!
I might (but correct me if I’m wrong!) be the only regular commenter on this blog who actually lives full-time with her Indian in-laws. Ricky’s the only boy in his family, so his parents are living with us permanently. There are so many wonderful things about having his parents with us – we’re really building a great family unit and it’s so lovely to have other people around who love you and care for you (not to mention that his mom’s an amazing cook!). However, that’s not to say that there haven’t been some challenges.
Initially, I was worried about how I would ever feel at home coming into this household that was already established. I was concerned that the house (or condo, actually) wouldn’t feel like mine. Ricky’s mom sweetly kept insisting that it was my house now, my kitchen, etc., but I still wondered. One of the ways that we’ve dealt with this is to give the house a complete and utter overhaul. The process of clearing out all the useless junk that his parents had been saving and storing for in some cases over 20 years began back in January, and we’re just now finishing it up (which may give you some idea of how monumental a task this was!). We’ve reorganized every room in the house, making things work better, more efficiently. Ricky’s parents have been 100% on board with all the changes, and they’re so happy with the results. Now, the house really is beginning to feel like mine, although I don’t think it’ll fully feel like my house until we actually move into a house of our own (probably a year or two down the line).
The whole issue of household chores has been something of an adjustment as well, for both sides. It was so interesting to read the part in Gori’s post about familial duties in Indian culture being something you just do, not something you need to be thanked for, and relate that to my own experiences. I’d add that although there isn’t necessarily an expectation of thanks for doing household chores, there is the expectation that everyone will at least attempt to pitch in and help out. In our little hybrid household, if you’re working, everyone else is constantly asking whether you need any help. It can become a bit overdone sometimes, but on the whole, I think it’s a really lovely way to live. Slowly, Ricky’s mom is coming around to the idea that I actually like cooking and cleaning, and that she doesn’t need to feel bad if I’m working – and I’m getting much better about always offering to help if I see someone else working.
One of the other challenges has mainly come from my end – I’m finding it somewhat of an adjustment to actually be living as part of a family again, after so long on my own. I had roommates for part of that time, of course – but living with a roommate is very different than living as part of a family, at least in my experience. With a roommate, you don’t have that obligation to always interact with them – you do your thing, and they do theirs, and while sometimes you do things together, it’s not necessary to always be engaging each other in conversation. Living with people who are part of your family is very different – you can’t just be always doing your own thing. It’s still something I’m getting used to, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far.
All in all, I’m really enjoying living with Ricky’s parents, and I’m very thankful we have such a good relationship with them. They’re wonderful people, and they enrich our lives so much. I think it’ll only get better once we have children and we add on to our little extended family – plus, we’ve got ready-made baby-sitters!
29. August 2008 at 12:39 pm
MinnesotaMeetsKarnataka—you are my official hero!!! A studio with in-laws for 6 weeks?! What a trooper.
And I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Yeah, hope!
29. August 2008 at 12:41 pm
WOAH! Just read yours mocroidh…..LOVED reading about your experience!!!
29. August 2008 at 5:29 pm
@ sf – I think parents staying post-baby (are there general plans in that direction, or do you have news to annouce?) is a very good idea. Newborns are SO MUCH time, as are toddlers. I do think the extended family/village mentality of raising a child can often help everyone stay sane – and needed.
@ Minnesotameetskarnataka – welcome to the blog! I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. And I like your blog a lot, too – expect some commments from me in a little while. I don’t think I could handle studio living with the inlaws, unless I had a cafe or library nearby to escape to sometimes when I just didn’t want to talk with anyone. What “downtown” do you live near, if you don’t mind me asking? (If you live in/near DC, I’d love to hear what places your inlaws particularly enjoyed visiting.)
@ L – glad you found the blog. Are you going to watch the boys (Aditya and KB, for the rest of you) play cricket this weekend? Also: BBQing! We’ll get some corn on the cob & limes too!
@ D – organized mess is exactly the right phrase for it. Although I do have a filing system to keep things from getting out of control.
@ mocroidh – thanks for sharing your unique (to us) viewpoint! Some of the issues you mention are definently going to be ones I’ll be discussing in later posts; I certainly like to do my own thing sometimes. I imagine it was difficult to move into their house too – not sure I could do that unless there was an immediate revamping of the house to make it all of ours.
30. August 2008 at 8:29 am
Lovely post. I have to say, I feel the same way every time my mother comes to stay. I’m grateful for the help and all but I can’t wait to get that ordered chaos back when she leaves.
30. August 2008 at 11:47 am
I just moved in with my Indian-American partner and I keep finding the signs of his mother in the house. Her toothbrush in the upstairs bath, foods he’ll never use that she bought on her last visit, random this’s and that’s that he says are “my mom’s” when I ask. He says she always rearranges the kitchen when she comes to visit. Though I can see why (he’s not really a cook, so it’s not arranged for easy cooking), I worry about her moving things once I get them settled ‘my way.’
Your post was entertaining and insightful and like many others who commented, it gives me hope that I can adapt and learn another way.
31. August 2008 at 12:24 pm
@mocroidh: Wow! I’ve thought and thought about what it would be like to live on an ongoing basis with either my parents or my in-laws – but honestly, I’ve never talked with anyone my own age who’s done it (at least, not while married as a permanent, intentional arrangement), much less with Indian in-laws. It’s fantastic to hear about an example that’s really working. Thanks for sharing – I’d love to hear more, too!
@”are there general plans in that direction, or do you have news to announce?”: well… since we’re now post-ultrasound and know there’s an actual heartbeat in there, yes! 9 weeks + 3 days down, 30 weeks + 4 days-ish to go…!
31. August 2008 at 2:08 pm
CONGRATS SF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gald to see you back here!
1. September 2008 at 9:49 am
- Thanks!!
1. September 2008 at 7:29 pm
Congrats, SF! What exciting news!!!
1. September 2008 at 9:30 pm
@ GG – Yay great post… glad you posted after so long! Hope you had an amazing summer!
@SF – Congrats! How exciting!
@everyone Hello
2. September 2008 at 3:17 am
I think I know how you feel… I’d be very annoyed if someone did my laundry without asking!!!
2. September 2008 at 1:10 pm
Congratulations, sf! Such exciting news!
2. September 2008 at 4:11 pm
Awesome post, GG.
Sometime back, this sort of topic (without the multicultural aspect of it) was covered in Slate.
Re my family – my mom feels guilty about “burdening” herself on her two sons and therefore, tries to make herself “useful” by doing chores. Clearly, there are pros and cons of this approach.
2. September 2008 at 5:22 pm
Big congrats, sf! I wish you all the best – an easy, healthy pregnancy, and a husband willing to make late night grocery runs.
Just to clarify, guys, I did know that the in-laws would be doing household chores, and they did ask first. It’s still just a little unsettling to come home to a changed house.
3. September 2008 at 3:24 am
Sometimes, it sucks when you have your heap of paper moved. I guess you are still in college mode. Most Indians don’t usually thank you for what they consider polite nothings, in sharp contrasts to people thanking you here for holding a door open for them. Unless they happen to be from Lucknow, then they thank you for every little moment you make, hehe.
You’ve always seemed a gori desi
. I wonder how different you were, before you met Aditya.
3. September 2008 at 10:40 am
GG, I know how you feel about the changed house thing. At least your in-laws asked first. My grandmother is notorious for cleaning the house everytime she visits. This has been the cause of numerous arguements between her and my mom because she tends to do things like rearrange the kitchen cabinets and then my mom has to put things back where they were. When I was younger, I would put a sign on my door telling her not to clean my room while I was at school. Thankfully, when she visits me now, she doesn’t usually try to clean my place.
17. September 2008 at 3:14 pm
Oh man, that brought me to tears! I relate to this so much. I’ll never forget how my soon to be Mother-in-law would just shake her head at every time I’d say Thank You (I think I said it to her about 100 times a day) and say “No,no,no. No thanks needed.” While smiling & giggling at me like she thought I was as strange as a Gorilla in a party dress!
26. October 2008 at 2:32 am
Luck you is all I can say, my Indian in-laws stayed for 4 months! I guess them being accustomed to their servants and the mentality that the Daughter in law is also meant for that capacity, they did not expect to lift a finger (although they also said the same thing, that it is their house). Instead they expected me to touch their feet whenever I see them at the dawn of a new day.
As a PhD student I didn’t have an actual job in their eyes so instead I was to host all their guests and serve them as royalty. I fell far behind in my readings and papers since they would never give me an hour of peace in the house without yelling for me to come get them water or ice cream while they sat there watching Bollywood.
They commanded me to do housework in my own house! I gave up my bedroom to sleep on a twin mattress (with my husband) the entire 4 months, okay no big deal, but the fact that his mother stole all my perfumes (CD, D&B, Burberry to name a few) and about 5 shirts in the meantime did not make me much more fond of her…I offered my bed, not the contents of the room. Of course after realizing she had taken all of my things I told my husband who only said, oh she said you gave it to her as a gift, I’m sure it’s all a cultural misunderstanding.
Indian men have some sort of Oedipus obsession with their mother’s and usually they will choose their parent’s happiness before yours. I love my husband, but between my visit to India for the wedding where I was forced to submit to everything they said without exception, religious ceremonies (after I had went out of the way to have a secular wedding in the US at the request of them) and the total crap I went through during the 4 months they were here, it was enough to make me want to leave. I have a personality that absolutely seeks to avoid conflict so it was difficult to be mean to them, I just started giving the cold shoulder and shutting myself away from them completely in order to not have a breakdown.
I’m glad the Atlantic & Pacific Oceans separates us, I dread the phone calls when I MUST talk to them or face making my husband the ridicule of the family. If I had to live with them, or if they visit again (for months as Indians do) I would move out for that time period.
26. October 2008 at 12:45 pm
Oh! Andrea, what a horror story! I’m so sorry!
Makes me appreciate my own inlaws just all that much more.
I worry about what it will be like if they’re able to come for 4 months when our baby is born – but only because of standard things like lack of personal space in a small apartment, and semi-cultural things like the fact they won’t know anyone else and my MIL is not very comfortable speaking in English, and I worry about them being isolated. There’s no question in my mind that having them here during the difficult new-baby-but-already-back-to-work time would net make it easier rather than harder.
I know I lucked out in the in-laws department, but I think perhaps I should email them right now and remind them just how much I appreciate them!
28. October 2008 at 3:00 pm
That does sound terrible, Andrea – I can’t imagine how you must have got through it. Were you at least able to vent to your husband? From your post it sounds like you had to kind of keep it all internal, which must have just made it that much more frustrating. I hope my impression was wrong and that you were able to talk with him and express your concerns, and that he was at least a bit more supportive than it seemed from your post!
Like sf, hearing stories like yours makes me very appreciative of my own inlaws – and of my husband as well! He’s made it explicitly clear to me that I come first, then his parents. I’m not sure if this is a result of his growing up here mostly in the U.S., or because his parents are just super-easy-going, or what…but I’m thankful nonetheless.
29. October 2008 at 2:39 am
Mocroidh, that’s a good point – I forgot to write it, but I also had a lot of sense of “thank goodness for my husband’s explicit and lived-by priorities”, as well. And I don’t think it’s a function of culture, necessarily – my husband didn’t come to the US until graduate school. He is pretty laid back, though. Not in a passive way – just, he doesn’t get worked up about things, just does what needs doing and moves along.
I also agree that not getting to vent would make it much harder. I hope the e-sympathy is helping at least a little??
22. December 2008 at 2:30 pm
Gori Girl, I just came across your blog for the first time…and I love it!! I cannot express how good it is to read a post like this! I can totally relate–the title to this story is just perfect and the System–I love it.
My mother in law stays with me at least 3 months each year, and no matter how many times she visits, I haven’t gotten used to this dynamic you so eloquently describe.
Thank you…I look forward to reading more.
31. January 2009 at 2:48 pm
Good post. Have bookmarked your blog and will surely come back.
31. January 2009 at 2:50 pm
Delete.
27. February 2009 at 12:05 pm
I’m reading up on some older posts… I missed this one before, but it is a great one.
Last summer Prajjwal’s family (mother, father, aunt, brother, and sometimes his cousin) stayed with us for 5 weeks (in our very small two bedroom apartment). It was fun but exhausting. On the weekends we drove all around the northeast giving them the “grand tour” (because we weren’t sure when they would come back, and wanted them to get the most out of their experience- plus I really wanted them to learn more about America) and during the weekdays they would wake up well before dawn to start cooking and chatting before we went to work, and when Prajjwal and I got home at night we would sit and entertain until late in the evening (they were well rested since they usually stayed home and napped during the day).
Even though I had a good time, and was really getting a chance to bond, I was so exhausted that one day a friend called and I literally started sobbing on the phone. Now I am starting to gear up for a month long trip to Nepal this summer, and although I am excited about traveling and seeing new places, it recently dawned on me that I won’t be visiting Nepal as a regular visitor where I can decide when and where to do things, but as their future daughter-in-law who has to, more or less, follow what the family is deciding. I’ve stayed with homestay families before but this definitely has a different feel.
I’ve had a long time to get used to the idea of living with the in-laws in a more long term capacity some day, and their extended visit last summer help to calm me a bit, but it is still challenging. I used to be a very independent and private person, who really struggled to listen to rules set down by my own parents, but over the years I’ve mellowed out a bit. As I’ve become more integrated into the different Nepali communities we have lived near, I have grown used to having various houseguests and visitors on a daily basis and I had to learn to “let go” when I couldn’t have control over a situation.
However it can be a challenge for close friends or Prajjwal to understand how “different” this lifestyle can be for me sometimes, that I am really flexible and that it isn’t the way I grew up (often when American co-workers hear about how many visitors we get and for how long, they are truly surprised). Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy company 90% of the time, but every now and then I just need “space.” I was actually having a conversation with a friend yesterday, who is nearly like a brother to us, and who has been staying with us for three weeks now. Due to a lot going on at work and feeling tired, I’ve tried to express that I didn’t want “extra” visitors when we have our friend staying with us, so yesterday he asked me, “Colleen, why are you being so antisocial these days? Don’t you like these other people?” when I said, “yes, I’m just tired, and sometimes I need quiet time.” He said, “I don’t understand, I always need to be with other people. My idea of quiet time is sitting in the same room with other people and everyone is doing their own thing and not talking.”
But there is a real difference between having a friend stay for a long time, or even your future brother-in-law (who has stayed with us off and on, for the better part of a year) then your partner’s parents. Added to this I have my mother (who I have mentioned on this blog before) who gets genuinely angry if she thinks I am “bending” too much to Nepali culture, and doesn’t understand why I would show so much “respect” to Prajjwal’s parents (where there is a more formal relationship), and not to her (where there isn’t so much of a lack of respect as a more informal relationship).
Anyway, it worries me about how I will be able to handle not entirely having my own “space” when the in-laws come to stay for extended periods of time, or permanently. I know that Prajjwal’s family is much more liberal than a lot of family’s that I’ve heard about, but I don’t always know what the expectation will be. It is very reassuring to hear the positive stories, and good to hear “survival tactics” from the not-so-good stories. I’d love to hear more from the people who are currently living or have lived with their in-laws.
Thanks for sharing your stories!
3. March 2009 at 1:58 pm
Wow – great comment. I have a lot of points I think would be interesting to address, but I hope to save them for another post or 12 that I want to eventually write.
Personally, I really enjoy the “visit family abroad” type of vacation, because I feel that you get to see more of the “real” country than the average tourist does. However, I do think it's important to explore a bit as a couple or on your own – if only because foreign family doesn't often realize what is unique or different about their own country!
I think your point about significant others not “getting” that what is happening is different than what your culture expects is a really important one. I don't think Aditya immediately realized how different our culture's interpretations of “long visit” were until I started pointing out articles & manners guides which wrote things like how a house guest & a fresh fish have about the same expiration timeline.
3. March 2009 at 2:35 pm
Colleen, I'm one of those who is currently living with her in-laws. My husband's parents were living with him (he's the only son) before we got married, and they'll likely be living with us pretty much permanently (unless he gets a job somewhere else and we have to move, but I imagine they'd eventually move back in with us in any case). It's certainly a unique situation, and one that has both benefits and drawbacks. Like you, I've found it a challenge to be living with so many people, especially after having been pretty much on my own for quite a while (I had roommates, but it's not the same thing). See my post above for more on this. Fortunately, I think we've found a pretty good balance – I don't feel as though I'm deprived of “alone-time”, and my husband and I make an effort to spend time together, just the two of us. Occasionally, it'll irk me a bit – case in point, last night, we were planning to go out to see a Hindi movie (Delhi-6 – I'd highly recommend it) and my in-laws decided to come along. For a while, I was a little bothered – I'd been looking forward to having some time with just my husband. But they ended up seeing a different movie, so I got to have time with my husband and we got to go out together as a family – the best of both worlds. For the most part, I really love living with my in-laws – it's just more people to love and care for you (and for you to love and care for), and who doesn't love that?
I've also been struggling to manage my own mom's reactions to my living situation – she's got similar concerns to yours, as I think we've already talked about a bit elsewhere. Haven't quite figured this all out yet, but it helps to know there are other “gori girls” out there dealing with the same problem!
Anyway, if you'd like to chat about this off-site, feel free to contact me via email: meg at sethi dot org.
3. March 2009 at 3:51 pm
Yeah I don't think I'm going to be the “extended parental stay” kind of gal. I said his parents will basically get two weeks tops a year.
It's just really not my style and I highly doubt it ever will be. I love my space.
3. March 2009 at 3:52 pm
With the 2 weeks thing I mean one long visit. Then, I said we could do visits every few months… but I might be attending all of those either. It's a matter of what happens with them. Sigh.
3. March 2009 at 4:38 pm
Wow! Goris living with in-laws? Even many Indian women are refusing to do this nowadays!
GoriGirl, that your father in law cleaned your house is a rare treat! In India you won't generally find that as the home and it's chores is considered female domain or the domain for hired domestic help. I'm glad to hear of a desi father in law stepping up when bahu is at work and domestic help not available. I wonder if he would do that in India?
Guests expiration date being the same as fresh fish is hilarious.
Yes, that's one of the things I appreciate about the West – nobody wants to become a “burden” on anyone and hence tries not to stay long enough to wear out their welcome.
But in India family is never considered a burden, or if they are, it is not talked about (in front of them at least).
The thing I would put my foot down about is “friends” or cousins coming to stay without contributing either financially or domestically (chores) to the home.
I've seen this happen alot.
4. March 2009 at 1:06 am
Gori (and others),
So nice to hear about your adventures in living with your in-laws. I myself am gearing up for the inevitability of a permanent live-in arrangement with mixed emotions. V and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. I met my in-laws early on, even before we were married. After marriage we saw them almost every year either going to visit them or having them come to visit us for at least a month at a time, sometimes more.
The first time they came to visit us after marriage was really hard. We had just (Just) moved into our first house and I remember being upset that my husband had called his family the very week we were to move in. What would be the harm in waiting just a month? I wanted time to arrange things the way I wanted them. I wanted to hang pictures and paint walls as I wanted them to be. I knew my MIL's penchant for all knick-knacks (excuse me “show pieces”) and I knew that just wasn't my style. Needless to say, I worked like a mad woman to paint what I wanted to and arrange what I wanted to before their arrival. Now I realize that all they really wanted to do was to be a part of this big moment in our lives (our first home!) They just wanted to share in that experience. I felt a little selfish for wanting more time for V and I to enjoy it alone. After all, it was only a few months and they were going to be gone again.
Like Amanda, we too gave up our master bedroom (because of the privacy of having a bathroom attached) and slept in the guest room. I've also given up new bottles of nice perfume, purses, and make-up to my MIL. V couldn't understand why I would be upset. He just said he would buy me new stuff. At the time I remember thinking, “but those were mine, how can you just give them to your mom because she wanted them?”
I grew up for the most part an only child. I have half-brothers, but they didn't come into the picture until I was older. So I think my sense of possessiveness about “my things” was a lot more pronounced than with people who have brothers and sisters closer in age to themselves. So even though I was willing to share, there were just things I thought of as “mine”. I have to say that my concept of this idea has changed a lot over the years. I'm understanding more of the communal ways of thinking about things that many desi families share. There is now a sense of togetherness and closeness that I feel with V's family that I know that I will probably never feel even with my own.
By the way, V did buy me things to replace things my MIL wanted. And there have been times when I've said no because something had a special significance to me. My mother-in-law is able to understand that.
I love my ILs to pieces and I know they care for me like their own. Getting along in a live-in arrangement seems to me to be all about the balance of things.
4. March 2009 at 2:08 pm
Very insightful comment, jijibean! This part in particular struck me:
“I've also given up new bottles of nice perfume, purses, and make-up to my MIL. V couldn't understand why I would be upset. He just said he would buy me new stuff. At the time I remember thinking, “but those were mine, how can you just give them to your mom because she wanted them?”
Maybe it's because I was the one coming into the communal living situation as a (sort-of) guest, but I've encountered almost the opposite problem. When I first arrived on the scene, my now-MIL was *constantly* buying me stuff or giving me things – it's lessened somewhat, but she'll still give me “good will” money, or if I just mention off-hand that I like something, she'll automatically go and buy it or give it to me. Of course, it's lovely to receive gifts, but it's also a little uncomfortable for me. The flip side of this is that when I buy her gifts, she's very appreciative, but she either puts them away and won't use them, or she says she'll give them back to me later! Coming from a family/culture where gifts are something you're supposed to use and enjoy (or discreetly return if you don't like them), I've found it a little hard to get used to the Desi gift-giving culture – the re-gifting, buying random items to give as gifts to people, etc.
Maybe there's a cultural difference at work here over one's relationship to personal objects. As you mentioned, the Desi way of relating to “stuff” (i.e., the things you own) is a lot more communal. And there's a certain beauty in the “what's mine is yours” attitude that I think I wouldn't have been aware of or been able to appreciate had I not joined a Desi family.
8. December 2009 at 9:02 am
Hi everyone
Wow, still a relative newbie to this blog but every post and the comments which follow really give me food for thought. Can I just say how *great* it is to share?!
I can really relate to what you say, mocroidh, about being constantly showered with “gifts”. I haven’t encountered the issue over saying “thank you” so I feel I can at least get that message over, but whether it’s a diary, chocolate or an entire box of mangoes, I can’t help sometimes feeling embarrassed at coming away laden with presents. I feel greedy! Even before coming across this blog, I’d begun to think that this very free generosity was a cultural thing to which I would have to accustom myself. It’s not as though I’m a naturally selfish person of that I think my own culture is that – not at all. It’s just that sometimes I worry that it may seem that it’s all take, take, take from my side – “what must people think?!”
My partner and I are, I guess, in quiet a “special” situation because, as a result of some quite unusual circumstances, we both live with our respective families in spite of the fact that we’ve been together over 8 years. I did go through a period when I craved the (apparently conflicting senses of) togetherness and separateness that our own home would provide but since I became closer to his family I actually relish our rather peculiar set-up.
It can be difficult at the best of times to get to know one’s in-laws. In fact, living in close confines with anyone – your own relatives, new roomates, friends even – never fails to turn up difficult situations. I take that as the nature of the beast. I suppose the tricky thing is that while with one’s family one knows the boundaries (and that things almost always bounce back) and with one’s friends one is on equal terms, with the in-laws, there can sometimes be a sense of duty and a worry about negative impact upon your relationship which puts all sorts of extra pressure on you. And can make you feel obliged to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do.
I’m not providing any answers here, I realise – just musing on the topic. It’s interesting what Pecan Pie mentions about even Indian girls not wanting to live with the in-laws. My partner’s cousin-sisters and I have often discussed the future and they are all quite clear on the subject of their own space – and needing it. On the one hand I suppose it might be easier for us goris because I think the expectations of in-laws automatically change. And on the other I think it’s natural that most of us are inclined to want to try as much as possible to be involved with our partner’s family and be pro-active in finding out about cultural practices because, being different, it has an added interest. I think it’s just something to bear in mind … it would drive me bonkers if my mother tidied up my things – so should it different if my in-laws were to do it?
I’m just really grateful that my partner’s family and I have had a long time to get to know each other. I really hope we’re getting to that stage where they won’t pull any punches with me and where I, too, feel I can speak my mind and make decisions for myself. Talking with friends about various situations they’ve encountered with their own in-laws, I suppose in some respects this issue is no different in an inter-cultural/inter-racial relationship than in any other. A little give, take and compromise (gritted teeth, anyone?) …
And there are inevitable up-sides as several people have mentioned here … I mean, once you’re over the first flush of intrusion/embarrassment as you say, GG, it’s great not to have to that extra load of laundry, cook dinner and clean up after working day! I hope a little of my partner’s family’s generosity is rubbing off on me. The what’s-mine-is-yours mentality you mention, mocroidh? I try to remember that when I reach under the sink to find my sister has taken the last of the cotton pads
I’m totally with GG, too, about the bonus of having a few extra pairs of hands around to raise a kid. In these harsh economic times, generational living – mine and his – has a lot to commend itself! Not to mention the fact modern life often ends up spreading family about and it’s easy to become fragmented and uninvolved. It’s great to live close enough to your family and in-laws (or be in regular and open enough contact) to be able to get to know each other as people, as adults – rather than just as a label “mother-in-law”, “dad”, “brother”, even.
On a slightly unrelated matter, I don’t know if it’s possible to view this on youtube worldwide, but the UK television station Channel 4 has been airing a new version of their docu-series, The Family. This time they are following a British Indian family, with cameras having been installed all over their house for the course of one year of their lives. It’s an interesting family set-up. No goris, alas – but makes for some fun viewing:
http://www.youtube.com/user/4oDDocumentaries#g/show/HBD3VuZk2eI
or on the Channel 4 website:
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/the-family
Phewy, well I’ve monopolised the space long enough! Hope you’re all well and happy.
Take care!
xaspireonfirex
28. December 2009 at 11:22 pm
xaspireonfirex, sorry that I didn’t reply sooner, but I just want to say I really enjoyed your musings. And, well, I *really* admire you for being able to live with your family comfortably – I don’t think I could! (Aditya’s, yes, mine, no)