I need your advice so here goes…my boyfriend recently told his parents about me (he is in India right now so of course he sent me this by email). I am a white American girl and he is a South Indian man. Are their comments normal? What can I do at this point to begin the process of “Slow Acclimation”? I want them to eventually accept me but I have no idea where to begin or what I should do at this point! Any advice would be great!!

Travelergal included her boyfriend’s email, which I’ve put below the fold, along with my responses (in red). I’m sure she’d appreciate all of you chiming in with suggestions, advice, or sympathy as well.

Note: this letter has been edited to remove names at the request of Travelergal

R-’s email to Travelergal

As expected my family was having a set of NO’s to the relationship. I mentioned about it yesterday evening. Everyone was surprised and they were making fun of me.

First off, let me say that there’s never a good – or easy – way to tell your family about something you expect them to be upset about. I do think that it was a good idea for R- to wait until a visit to India to tell his family, if only because that way he was able to evaluate his family’s body language and facial expressions, which can tell you a lot beyond what simple words & tones convey. It’s unfortunate that they teased him, though perhaps not as unfortunate that the family was so surprised. If at all possible, I think it’s a good idea to get parents & other family used to the idea that you’re the type who might do something so “crazy” as getting involved in an intercultural romance. Most people don’t like change, and they especially don’t like unexpected, surprising changes in their close friends & family. Obviously that ship has sailed for R- & Travelergal, but for anyone else in the same situation, I’d suggest dropping general hints very early on in your relationship that you hang around people of other cultures & races, etc. A “we’re not pleased, but we kinda expected it” response is most likely preferable to a “you’re dating who?!?” response.

Mum:- She was having a totally against it. She had the opinion of American people not sticking to a relationship like Indians do, she said that u would leave me and if that happens then i shall be all alone in my life coz there is lot of disrespect for a second marriage or relationship in India. She said its all a feeling that passes away with time. I was trying to please her that it was not gonna happen like that i wud say it but she would not listen she would stick to her thought of u being white is ending up in divorce. She mentioned about the cultural aspect I tried to explain how u were learning to cook and talk in Telugu. She says that it would put us as “cheap” in society. She has a big NO in her mind

Sadly, as R- points out later in the email, Americans are known worldwide for the nation’s high divorce rate. If you’re an American dating someone from a family-oriented, traditional-type country, expect for this issue to be raised at least once by a family member. It happened in my relationship too! And if you have no other information about a person, other than their nationality, it makes perfect statistical sense to bet that the American is going to divorce before the Indian will. However, R-’s mother has more information about Travelergal than just her nationality – for one thing, R- chose to date her instead of any of the other pretty fishes in the sea. If R- can convince his mother that Travelergal is not your typical American it’d probably help. Repetition, time, and continuous examples is the key here. The other concerns that R’s mother raises all strike me as being very typical “traditional” concerns: the low possibility of a second marriages, dating/being in a “love match” as just a feeling that would pass, and how an intercultural relationship/future divorce is frowned upon in (Indian) society.

Sister:- She was also in the same way she started saying that it was all infatuation i was surprised to her response. She said u can’t do this to your family who raised u 25yrs. She was totally doubting about me being a serious guy in this relationship which I’m i told her that I was sure it was not infatuation. She tells me that i had to lose 90% of my life where as u will lose 10% of ur life in this relationship. It was rather surprising to see a youngster not able to dissolve intercultural relationship.

R-’s sister’s response also strikes me as somewhat typical. And, sadly, it is completely true that, by being in an intercultural relationship with an American, R-’s family could lose face in their community in India. This is part of what I was talking about in my post on how others are affected by your intercultural relationship. I’m not sure exactly what the 90%/10% comment is about – perhaps R-’s sister fears that he’ll lose his Indian culture by living in the US & dating an American? Or she might be referring tot the costs that could occur to each person should the relationship fail.

Dad:- Dad was the most understanding. He believes in love he believes in “Love is blind” but he would say that it would disrupt everything. The ripple effect that our relationship has is going to be pain. I tried to tell him that u were really understanding and it would be a sin to just break up or end the relationship due to the fact that “U were american”. He has lot of respect for me and he understands what life is. It is me now thinking about him.

I’m glad R- & Travelergal have one family member sticking up for them. The dad seems like a good dude – aware of the real problems that will likely result for the family from the intercultural marriage, but somewhat accepting of the relationship nevertheless. I suggest that R & Travelergal address his father’s concerns about the “ripple effect” as much as possible, and try to keep the line of communication open to him.

After saying all this i also feel if there is only one person in my family who tried at least to understand me and u how many people in the society and relative would respect u and treat us as the same way as Indian couple.

One quick note here: R- & Travelergal aren’t an Indian couple, so I don’ think they should either expect or want to be treated just like an Indian couple in his family’s society. Certainly, they should be treated just as respectfully, but allowances & compromises will need to be made by all parties for the real differences in the relationship. When Travelergal eventually meets the family, they need to ready for the fact that she won’t be as adapt in their world, and she’ll have to work hard to fit into R-’s family.

They all had “DIVORCE” as their main weapon they would constantly say this and put me to calm as they know i don’t have any answer for that and unfortunately we are victims of divorce rate in US

I waited for this moment and now that it happened i think its a long process for them to accept u. I think we need to work on this. I do not want to leave u but let us be sure from both the sides to avoid any mishaps in future.

It will be a long process to get to acceptance, and I’m glad that R- realizes this. My husband’s family took a little while to warm up to the idea of a white daughter-in-law too. I think it’s very important to understand that his family wasn’t expecting this to happen, and they’re probably flailing around blindly. It’ll take some time for them to process the idea, and incorporate it into their “vision of reality”, if you will. I think you can speed this along a bit by showing & telling them ways that they can relate to you. It seems like R- has already stared that by explaining how you’re studying Telugu & Indian cooking, but only your actions over time will show his words to be true.

I’m happy that i have a family who worry about me and see what is there in our relationship for me but it also saddens me when they say it would not work …there r lot of misconceptions/beliefs to be broken and lot of acceptance and approval to be achieved.

ARE U READY?
for all the cultural lessons…all the disrespect with me…all the petty things that u should learn …all norms and conditions that get applied to u when u are around the family … this list is big ..I’m not asking for u to change but i feel there is lot of things u should learn and feel before committing coz i do not want u to be a complete stranger till u meet my parents(if it comes)

This is absolutely wonderful – I really applaud R-’s perspective here. It’s important for both people to be on the same page, and aware of the difficulties that will come from two cultures in one relationship.

I’M READY… to face the problems but i need lot of help from u….hope u will think and reply.

Yours lovingly
R-

My general take on R-’s family’s reactions

Frankly, I’m not surprised by any of the comments of R-’s family. These concerns are very “typical” for an Indian family, but they’re valid concerns, and ones you need to address.

First, consider what knowledge base they’re starting from. How much do they know about American culture? How much do they know about you? Aditya’s parents had never been to the US when he announced that he was dating me, so most of what they knew about American culture came from Hollywood and other media. I’ve written a bit about how Aditya and I did to address his parent’s concerns here, but obviously not every strategy is going to work for every family.

Second, start addressing their concerns about you, one by one. Obviously, you can’t change the fact that divorce rates are high in the US, but you can show how you’re committed to R-, and to family generally. Since their biggest concern seems to be that the relationship will eventually break up, leaving R- stranded, the best medicine is just time, as hard as that sounds. I also think a lot of concerns family can have stems from the “otherness” of intercultural relationships – you’re not what they’re used to, and they aren’t sure how to relate to you, or what to expect from you. What they’ve heard about Americans tells them to expect for you to not be serious about your relationship. Counter that! Steady communication from R-, and eventually from you, about the strength of your relationship and how you can “fit” into the family is very important. If you keep repeating the message, via phone calls, emails, & letters, at least they won’t be able to ignore the issue – and eventually they might start believing what you say.

I think you two have started off very well with the “slow acclimation” by having R- tell his family straight-up while he was visiting India. I also think it’s great that you’re making an effort to learn about his culture via the Telugu lessons and the Indian cooking. I’d suggest continuing with that, and adding in other bits of Indian culture as time & comfort level (on your part!) allow. I’m not at all suggesting you change who you are to try to become the perfect Indian daughter, but rather that you try to find subjects where you can meet R-’s family on a common ground. Since it seems that they’re quite uncomfortable with the entire situation, it means that you’ll have to make the effort.

Finally, learning more about R-’s particular family and community will probably help you figure out other things that could help your efforts with his family, and prepare you for when you communicate with them, or eventually meet. (I don’t know much about Telugu families, so I can’t be much help in the specifics). While it seems like he has a great attitude about helping you out here, there may be a lot of things he wouldn’t even think to tell you about, as they’re so natural to him. One thing that really helped me out here was taking a Hinduism course at the same time as Aditya (he was just in it for the easy A). We’d talk about the course topics, and I’d ask about how things worked in his family, and I’d end up hearing five or ten stories from his childhood. I don’t think many people are in a position to take a course like that, but a great alternative is reading fiction & nonfiction books about India and Indian culture together, and then discussing them in relation to his experiences.

So, my main three: address their concerns, keep the communication lines open, and work at understanding his culture (and therefore his family’s reactions).

I hope all of this has been of some help, Travelergal, and I’m wishing the best of luck for you and R- in your efforts to bring his family around! Does anyone else have any suggestions?