A new commenter, Lurker frequent, brought up this interesting topic in regards to intercultural marriages in the comments section of my last post.

As an Indian in the USA; the only reason I would not want to marry a local is to not “lose” my own traditions and culture. Minds meeting , and matching interests and hearts are more important, but certainly , coming from an old and rich tradition, one would want to preserve it by having a completely Indian family, no? Thoughts?

It seems to me that there are several issues in play here, some of which Aditya and I discussed in the comments section when Lf first wrote out his comment (do check it out).

1. What is meant by cultural continuity? Is it something we should value, and if so, why? Does intercultural marriage (which often leads to Third Culture Kids) automatically mean that the cultures of the parents is ending?
2. What does it mean to say that India has an “old and rich tradition” (compared, presumably, against America or other Western cultures’ younger and poorer traditions)? Is it something we should value? What exactly do we mean by tradition, anyways?
3. What sort of culture – or cultures – do we want to have in our own lives? For those of us in intercultural relationships, what (if anything) are we losing by not creating a monocultural family? Will our lives be richer for it? Poorer? What about extended families?

Well, that’s a lot of questions! Enough for a book or three, certainly, so I’ll just give a simplified sketch of my own views on this matter, than open it up to the rest of you.

What is cultural continuity?

Let’s get one thing straight: cultures – all cultures – are constantly changing. And by culture here, I mean “the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes a society” – i.e. culture is the sum of all learned human behaviors in a particular society. What one generation learns from the previous will change as a society adapts to different conditions. The rate of the change that a culture goes through will generally vary based on the internal and external conditions or pressures a society faces, such as technological innovation, changing resources, and contact with other cultures.

For example, most Americans today would not be able to survive for very long in the wild, but the pioneers in the early days of our nation certainly could and did. As “frontier America” transformed into towns and cities knowing how to live off the land became a less important skill than those that allowed you to work in an office or factory in town.

So what is cultural continuity, if all cultures are constantly in a state of flux? Well, while everything in a culture can change, certain societal structures and beliefs – often embedded in religion or religious belief itself – are resistant to change and experience it more slowly. Hinduism in India, and the caste system which has become entwined to some extent with Hinduism, are both good examples of long-standing cultural traditions. But even they have changed over time to stay relevant, as my husband, Aditya, mentioned in his original response to Lurker frequent:

The survival of traditions is in being able to remain relevant with changing times. Even following Hindu traditions & scriptures, you can see clear evidence of the evolution of Hinduism when it responds to new “challengers” like Buddhism (Bhagavad Gita), Islam (Vedanta revival) and Christianity (Vivekananda).

So it’s not that culture continuity requires that a culture stays the same – that’s impossible – just that certain central aspects of a culture, such as particular beliefs or traditions, remain. To return to the example of “living off the land” in the US, while most Americans can’t survive out in the wild, there remains an ethos of individuality in American culture: a belief that a person should be able to stand on his own two feet without help from others or the government, just as pioneers were required to do.

Should we value cultural continuity?

I personally think that a part of the human mind craves traditions, rituals, and continuity, although this need is expressed to a greater or lesser extent in individuals. So, yes – to some degree cultural continuity is a desirable feature to have, both in society at large and in our individual lives. That being said, it isn’t the end all and be all: “tradition for tradition’s sake” is an argument easily overrode by more pressing “goods” such as freedom of choice, happiness, justice, and so forth. By that I mean that traditions cannot justify actions that hurt people or deny them their basic human rights.

As Aditya said in his comment:

I do think that the argument (or preserving traditions) are well intentioned, but the fact of the matter is that traditions must be revisited constantly to remain relevant. If we froze our traditions as they were in the 16th century, we’d still have women locked in the kitchen.
Unfortunately, this argument is also being made all over the world today to deny basic human rights to minorities and oppressed groups… from the denial of political rights to women, to outlawing gay marriage, the mantra of “this is not how it has always been” has become the central “argument” against progress of society.

Leaving aside the moral argument, which I hope all of you understand without my expanding upon it, following some traditions in the modern age is simply irrational. Traditions, after all, were formed to help societies function well – but societies today don’t exactly look like (or require the same things) as they did when these traditions were developed. Consider, for example, the traditionally arranged economy (the Indian caste system is one version of this), where a child follows in the work of his father. This system only functions as a good tradition in societies where

1. The work doesn’t change much from one generation to another.  Otherwise, there’s no point in having the child learn a skill at the knee of his father that will be antiquated by the time child is old enough to enter the workforce, and
2. The work isn’t specialized enough that only some people have the particular skill set, mental abilities, and personality to do it well. Otherwise children will be trained from childhood to do a job that they aren’t well-suited for – there’s no reason to expect my future kids will rock out as product managers just because Aditya does.

In today’s economy, neither of these points holds true, and thus the traditionally-arranged economy should be abandoned purely on utility grounds – a society that practices it won’t do as well as a society that doesn’t.

So for a tradition to be continued today, it should:

1. be rational – actually help the society & people that practice it
2. be moral – not hurt individuals or their free practice of their basic human rights

With the increased pace of technological innovation today, many long-standing traditions have been ending, amid outcries from critics that capitalism or globalization or American cultural imperialism are ruining cultures left and right, leading to a homogenization of the world. This is largely bullshit.

Yes, societies around the world are becoming more similar – there is more of world-wide culture today than ever before. But subcultures and individuals’ choices within cultures are more diverse than ever before as well. People today have (more of) a choice of whether they want to follow a tradition that isn’t actually rational in today’s world – or one that violates people’s human rights, such as the caste system. Moreover, today we are able to witness some amazing creative efforts as people combine two traditions to make a completely new – and wonderful – tradition or art form. See, for example, my post on Michael Jackson and bhangra. (Now, while I’d like to move the focus back to intercultural relationships, if you’d like to read more on this topic I recommend starting off with economist Tyler Cowen’s article Creative Destruction, which can be found here as a word document.)

Intercultural marriage and creative destruction

Intercultural marriage is a perfect example of the creative destruction that, when successful, leads to both great innovation and happy, meaningful lives. Every marriage consists of the creation of a new family culture – but with intercultural marriages each individual is bringing a completely distinct culture and set of traditions to the table to be combined. Yes, there will almost certainly be fewer pieces of a Indian culture or Bengali culture in Aditya’s and my “family culture” than there would be if he had married another Indian – but we can choose to keep the worthwhile traditions while eliminating the rest.

We can keep statues of the gods around the house to remind us of our values, we can play and watch cricket on the weekends, remember that our home is also the home of our family, and have lovely saris and Indian tunics in the closets. We can also keep the best of American traditions and culture. We celebrate a secular family Christmas with an exchange of presents, watch (too much) great tv programming that comes out of Hollywood, train our dogs following Western methods like crating, and have (fasionably) torn jeans in the dressers.

It takes effort to combine two cultures successfully, and a willing attitude to learn from both partners. But I personally feel the effort is more than paid back by the results. Is it worthwhile for everyone? Of course not! Intercultural relationships are hard work. (All relationships require hard work, of course, but there tend to be more difficult variables in an intercultural marriage than a monocultural one.)

If you really want all of the traditions you grew up with to be part of your adult life, then you should probably choose something other than an intercultural match, since that’s unlikely to happen in an intercultural marriage unless your partner is willing to give up all of his or her cultural traditions. Of course, given the speed of cultural and technological change, it’s unlikely that all of the traditions you grew up with will be a part of your adult life anyways. As Aditya said,

In the reality of the globalized world of today, intercultural relationships give us a glimpse of a future where the free flow of information and people have broken down meaningless antiquated boundaries.

(Little do they know that if I am stymied in blogging about their dastardly actions of cleaning our house & cooking delicious meals I have no problem in getting irrationally upset about some other minor issue. For example: the fridge has been reorganized without my express permission, and the dishwasher was inefficiently loaded, resulting in one less cup being washed than if I had loaded it. I’m still reeling!)

Since I haven’t had a chance to sit down and think through a post lately, I thought I’d share with you the transcript I’ve typed up in spare minutes from an NPR segment called Intercultural Relationships: Can They Work?. I’m not a professional transcriber, so there may be errors – but I figured something was better than nothing for those of you who can’t (or don’t like to) listen to podcasts. The segment (and my post title) was developed from an article in East West Magazine. The article, which you can find here, is quite complimentary to the NPR segment, and I encourage you to read it as well as the transcript below. I’ve bolded the parts I find particularly interesting, and will post my thoughts on it tomorrow in the comments section.

[Begin transcript]

NPR: It’s time for a regular visit with one of our cultural coaches. Today: “You’re marrying him?” Wedding season is around the corner; brides and grooms will be blushing their way down aisles across America. So what better time to ask an expert about what you might need to know if you’re heading to commitment with a person with a different racial or ethnic background? We got this idea from our friends at East West Magazine; the April/May issue has a feature called “To hug or not to hug” about how to handle that all-important meeting with the parents.

And joining us now from Phoenix is Anita Malik. She is editor of East West Magazine. And from her office in Poughkeepsie, New York, we’re pleased to be joined by Lubna Somjee, a psychologist; she’s quoted in the article. Thanks for being here ladies!

Anita, why did you commission this article? You must have been hearing about this from readers or perhaps from personal experience?

Anita: A little bit of both. Actually, simply put, interracial marriages and couplings are growing at a very increasing rate and we tend to focus with that a lot with the magazine, but had never done anything where – how do you deal with this within your own family and with your parents? And that was something we were hearing from readers, that, you know, it’s great to know that the statistics are there, and that this is happening, but how do we deal with it in our own lives, with our own unique circumstances?

NPR: And Dr. Somjee, you are offering tips – or you offered some tips in the magazine – but in the years in which you’ve been practicing, and you’ve worked with couples around these issues, are there some classic cultural clashes that you’ve seen?

Dr. Somjee: Yes, I mean, I’ve definitely seen some classic cultural clashes. Although many times, people have been able to sort of work through them. One of the classic issues is when neither parties have sort of prepped themselves for what to expect when they meet the parents. They think they have, but they really haven’t. Although most of the time those meetings have gone fairly well, in spite of.

NPR: Is that really the case? I just wonder whether, over the course of your practice, do most of the couples that come to you, do they eventually stay together, or do you see couples breaking up because of these differences?

Dr. Somjee: Most of the couples I see do stay together, but I would not say that it was very rare that some couples would break up. For example, a young couple I worked with had an interracial union and met each other’s families, and it wasn’t until they met each other’s families that it sort of punctuated for them how different their backgrounds were. And they came home, and for the first time had a much more serious, in-depth discussion of how their culture impacts their every day lives and realized how different their views were on a lot of things. And unfortunately, for that couple, their differences were irreconcilable.

NPR: Anita, you mention in the article, I’m sorry, which I know you didn’t write, but, you know, you edited it, that in every culture meeting the parents can be kind of fraught with anxiety, but in the Asian culture, in couples where there may be an Asian or Asian-American partner, it can be particularly stressful. Why is that?

Anita: Asian immigrant parents typically have a very set view of who their children should marry. It’s a different type of relationship, but every family has their own traditions, and sometimes a lot of that becomes very, very specific to what the parents want. It’s just a very different child-parent relationship. It gets a little bit more tricky, and so it can be difficult.

NPR: What were some of the scenarios that were described in the article? I thought it was hilarious, actually…

Anita: There’s a lot of humor to this too, and I think that’s the important lesson: that you need to be able to actually laugh at yourself when you make – you’re going to make faux pas when you meet the parents. But the title of the piece actually comes from one scenario where both parts of the couple were Asian, from two different countries. And one family was very warm… the parents wanted to hug everybody, and the other family couldn’t really handle the hugs. And so that became an issue between the couple, and they finally came to a point where they said, “Well, this is how my family is going to be, and this is how your family is going to be, and they’re going to have to work it out.”

NPR: So, Dr. Somjee, help us here. In a situation like that, where the parents are meeting for the first time, what advice do you offer to make it go smoothly? Or maybe, maybe making it go smoothly isn’t the whole point of the thing, just to be honest. I don’t know – tell us.

Dr. Somjee: When you’re meeting someone’s family, knowing what their ethnic background is, or their racial background or religion obviously is important, but it’s only a first basic step. And really, the most important thing to understand is, what is that family’s relationship to each of its cultural variables. Otherwise you kinda get on a slippery slope in terms of making assumptions to stereotyping.

NPR: So how would that information best be acquired? Do you try to be very explicit with the partner and say, “Alright, are your parents huggers or not? Will they expect me to bring a present? If so, what kind?”

Dr. Somjee: There’s a couple ways to do that. One is, you know, get a sense of what the expectations of the meeting are from your significant other. Is it going to be a casual or formal get together? But the other piece of it is, your significant other is often steeped in their own culture so things that may be commonplace to them, they may not even think to tell you. And I think one of the best ways to get information from your significant other is through storytelling. Try to have your significant other tell you stories that illustrate different occasions in your family, or different traditions in the family.

NPR: I have an email that I wanted to share with both of you, ladies. And it says:

“This might be a good question for your coach. I just had a second date with a lovely professional woman who was born in and raised in Sapporo, Japan. She now works in the same East Coast city that I do. Our third date is this weekend. I’m a professional African-American man. What should I know about the Asian approach to dating? Is there such a thing? The first date ended in her bowing, when in Rome, I thought, so I bowed too. The second date ended with a hug & a smile, so I hugged her and smiled back. So far, so good I’m thinking. We’re able to talk for hours… but what do I need to keep in mind?”

So, who wants to start, Anita, is this a common scenario among readers?

Anita: Yeah, I think so. Apparently she’s a little more traditional. It sounds like she actually has immigrated from Japan and not necessarily born here and in that case, I think he just really needs to ask her. But I would say, speak to her about how her family would feel… ahead of time.

NPR: Interesting. Dr. Somjee, what do you think?

Dr. Somjee: Part of it depends on, are you dating to date, or are you dating to marry? Because if someone is asked that question & is scared off by it, at least you know where they are in terms of their dating and what they want from it.

NPR: So what I’m hearing you say is, “ask the questions sooner rather than later”.

Dr. Somjee: Absolutely.

NPR: I’m so glad I’m married.

Anita: Hard, isn’t it, this dating thing.

NPR: It is hard! You all have my respect. Dr. Somjee, I understand you are also interculturally married. If it’s not too personal, can you offer any guidelines from your personal experience?

Dr. Somjee: Yes, I’ve been married and in a relationship with my husband for about ten years. He is white and I am South Asian and I actually come from a community where arranged marriages are absolutely still the norm. So when my husband was to meet my parents, I prepped myself… and I prepped my parents.

NPR: What about persons who perhaps weren’t welcomed so warmly into the fold? How would you advise them to move beyond that?

Dr. Somjee: One thing is, you know, you may have an opportunity to meet the family again and again. And if so, take advantage of those opportunities by getting to know them better. You know, unfortunately, there may be some families who ultimately say, “You know what, we cannot do this. No matter how nice you may be, no matter how much we like you in general, this is not something we can accept in our family.” And at this point you as a couple have to decide whether you’re willing to take the risk, and those are hard questions you’ll have to ask yourself before you even start this process.

NPR: But, hard questions that have to be asked.

Dr. Somjee: Yeah.

[End Transcript]

I’d love to hear everyone thoughts on this NPR piece, and the accompying article from East West Magazine. Good advice, bad advice? Is “ask questions sooner rather than later” a good policy to follow? Anyone tried storytelling as a way to learn about family customs?

Hi, I’m a Sikh girl and have been going out with my white bf for 3 yrs. I’ve always known my parents would disapprove…they’ve always said if I brought anyone but a Sikh guy home they would want nothing to do with me and the whole family would be disappointed. My fear and guilt have meant that more and more, recently, I haven’t been happy in my relationship until a few weeks ago when I decided to end it. but now I’m regretting it and don’t know what to do!!! He was a wonderful guy who loved me and accepted me completely, but because of the guilt and loyalty I feel towards my family I feel I have lost the only man I will ever be happy with.

Reading all the comments on the post, Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship is Suddenly an Issue, I realize I’m not alone and that there are others who go through this, but sometimes it feels so lonely. I was just wondering how people come up with the courage to tell their parents in the first place and how do you handle the guilt?!?

She later added in an email conversation with me:

Here’s a little bit more about my situation…my sister(she’s 20) knows about my bf but refuses to acknowledge him or our relationship, I think out of fear of what it would do to our family! There are already a few intercultural relationships and marriages in our family and although my parents accept them they have made it clear that I can not have one…which is difficult to understand. I do understand that due to the major cultural differences intercultural relationships can be difficult and from that point of view I can see why parents would want to spare their kids those problems.

I’ll be posting my own thoughts and comments tomorrow, but a good conversation has already started between Aisha and Auroracoda, another commenter here, which I’m reposting below in the comments.

R and I both love music, play instruments, and love to sing. Throw on the Rent soundtrack in our car and you’ve got a live show. For a while now, we have been looking for a specifc song to do as a karaoke duet. We’re stumped. “Islands in the Stream” has been taken by another couple, “Somewhere Out There” is a little high for me and a little cheezy, and “Baby Baby” is really just for one person, Amy Grant, to sing.

Does anybody out there have a fun song idea for our karaoke debut as a couple? Whoever suggests the winning song will receive a free DVD of our performance. And humm… I wonder if GoriGirl has audio capabilities…

I need your advice so here goes…my boyfriend recently told his parents about me (he is in India right now so of course he sent me this by email). I am a white American girl and he is a South Indian man. Are their comments normal? What can I do at this point to begin the process of “Slow Acclimation”? I want them to eventually accept me but I have no idea where to begin or what I should do at this point! Any advice would be great!!

Travelergal included her boyfriend’s email, which I’ve put below the fold, along with my responses (in red). I’m sure she’d appreciate all of you chiming in with suggestions, advice, or sympathy as well.

Note: this letter has been edited to remove names at the request of Travelergal

R-’s email to Travelergal

As expected my family was having a set of NO’s to the relationship. I mentioned about it yesterday evening. Everyone was surprised and they were making fun of me.

First off, let me say that there’s never a good – or easy – way to tell your family about something you expect them to be upset about. I do think that it was a good idea for R- to wait until a visit to India to tell his family, if only because that way he was able to evaluate his family’s body language and facial expressions, which can tell you a lot beyond what simple words & tones convey. It’s unfortunate that they teased him, though perhaps not as unfortunate that the family was so surprised. If at all possible, I think it’s a good idea to get parents & other family used to the idea that you’re the type who might do something so “crazy” as getting involved in an intercultural romance. Most people don’t like change, and they especially don’t like unexpected, surprising changes in their close friends & family. Obviously that ship has sailed for R- & Travelergal, but for anyone else in the same situation, I’d suggest dropping general hints very early on in your relationship that you hang around people of other cultures & races, etc. A “we’re not pleased, but we kinda expected it” response is most likely preferable to a “you’re dating who?!?” response.

Mum:- She was having a totally against it. She had the opinion of American people not sticking to a relationship like Indians do, she said that u would leave me and if that happens then i shall be all alone in my life coz there is lot of disrespect for a second marriage or relationship in India. She said its all a feeling that passes away with time. I was trying to please her that it was not gonna happen like that i wud say it but she would not listen she would stick to her thought of u being white is ending up in divorce. She mentioned about the cultural aspect I tried to explain how u were learning to cook and talk in Telugu. She says that it would put us as “cheap” in society. She has a big NO in her mind

Sadly, as R- points out later in the email, Americans are known worldwide for the nation’s high divorce rate. If you’re an American dating someone from a family-oriented, traditional-type country, expect for this issue to be raised at least once by a family member. It happened in my relationship too! And if you have no other information about a person, other than their nationality, it makes perfect statistical sense to bet that the American is going to divorce before the Indian will. However, R-’s mother has more information about Travelergal than just her nationality – for one thing, R- chose to date her instead of any of the other pretty fishes in the sea. If R- can convince his mother that Travelergal is not your typical American it’d probably help. Repetition, time, and continuous examples is the key here. The other concerns that R’s mother raises all strike me as being very typical “traditional” concerns: the low possibility of a second marriages, dating/being in a “love match” as just a feeling that would pass, and how an intercultural relationship/future divorce is frowned upon in (Indian) society.

Sister:- She was also in the same way she started saying that it was all infatuation i was surprised to her response. She said u can’t do this to your family who raised u 25yrs. She was totally doubting about me being a serious guy in this relationship which I’m i told her that I was sure it was not infatuation. She tells me that i had to lose 90% of my life where as u will lose 10% of ur life in this relationship. It was rather surprising to see a youngster not able to dissolve intercultural relationship.

R-’s sister’s response also strikes me as somewhat typical. And, sadly, it is completely true that, by being in an intercultural relationship with an American, R-’s family could lose face in their community in India. This is part of what I was talking about in my post on how others are affected by your intercultural relationship. I’m not sure exactly what the 90%/10% comment is about – perhaps R-’s sister fears that he’ll lose his Indian culture by living in the US & dating an American? Or she might be referring tot the costs that could occur to each person should the relationship fail.

Dad:- Dad was the most understanding. He believes in love he believes in “Love is blind” but he would say that it would disrupt everything. The ripple effect that our relationship has is going to be pain. I tried to tell him that u were really understanding and it would be a sin to just break up or end the relationship due to the fact that “U were american”. He has lot of respect for me and he understands what life is. It is me now thinking about him.

I’m glad R- & Travelergal have one family member sticking up for them. The dad seems like a good dude – aware of the real problems that will likely result for the family from the intercultural marriage, but somewhat accepting of the relationship nevertheless. I suggest that R & Travelergal address his father’s concerns about the “ripple effect” as much as possible, and try to keep the line of communication open to him.

After saying all this i also feel if there is only one person in my family who tried at least to understand me and u how many people in the society and relative would respect u and treat us as the same way as Indian couple.

One quick note here: R- & Travelergal aren’t an Indian couple, so I don’ think they should either expect or want to be treated just like an Indian couple in his family’s society. Certainly, they should be treated just as respectfully, but allowances & compromises will need to be made by all parties for the real differences in the relationship. When Travelergal eventually meets the family, they need to ready for the fact that she won’t be as adapt in their world, and she’ll have to work hard to fit into R-’s family.

They all had “DIVORCE” as their main weapon they would constantly say this and put me to calm as they know i don’t have any answer for that and unfortunately we are victims of divorce rate in US

I waited for this moment and now that it happened i think its a long process for them to accept u. I think we need to work on this. I do not want to leave u but let us be sure from both the sides to avoid any mishaps in future.

It will be a long process to get to acceptance, and I’m glad that R- realizes this. My husband’s family took a little while to warm up to the idea of a white daughter-in-law too. I think it’s very important to understand that his family wasn’t expecting this to happen, and they’re probably flailing around blindly. It’ll take some time for them to process the idea, and incorporate it into their “vision of reality”, if you will. I think you can speed this along a bit by showing & telling them ways that they can relate to you. It seems like R- has already stared that by explaining how you’re studying Telugu & Indian cooking, but only your actions over time will show his words to be true.

I’m happy that i have a family who worry about me and see what is there in our relationship for me but it also saddens me when they say it would not work …there r lot of misconceptions/beliefs to be broken and lot of acceptance and approval to be achieved.

ARE U READY?
for all the cultural lessons…all the disrespect with me…all the petty things that u should learn …all norms and conditions that get applied to u when u are around the family … this list is big ..I’m not asking for u to change but i feel there is lot of things u should learn and feel before committing coz i do not want u to be a complete stranger till u meet my parents(if it comes)

This is absolutely wonderful – I really applaud R-’s perspective here. It’s important for both people to be on the same page, and aware of the difficulties that will come from two cultures in one relationship.

I’M READY… to face the problems but i need lot of help from u….hope u will think and reply.

Yours lovingly
R-

My general take on R-’s family’s reactions

Frankly, I’m not surprised by any of the comments of R-’s family. These concerns are very “typical” for an Indian family, but they’re valid concerns, and ones you need to address.

First, consider what knowledge base they’re starting from. How much do they know about American culture? How much do they know about you? Aditya’s parents had never been to the US when he announced that he was dating me, so most of what they knew about American culture came from Hollywood and other media. I’ve written a bit about how Aditya and I did to address his parent’s concerns here, but obviously not every strategy is going to work for every family.

Second, start addressing their concerns about you, one by one. Obviously, you can’t change the fact that divorce rates are high in the US, but you can show how you’re committed to R-, and to family generally. Since their biggest concern seems to be that the relationship will eventually break up, leaving R- stranded, the best medicine is just time, as hard as that sounds. I also think a lot of concerns family can have stems from the “otherness” of intercultural relationships – you’re not what they’re used to, and they aren’t sure how to relate to you, or what to expect from you. What they’ve heard about Americans tells them to expect for you to not be serious about your relationship. Counter that! Steady communication from R-, and eventually from you, about the strength of your relationship and how you can “fit” into the family is very important. If you keep repeating the message, via phone calls, emails, & letters, at least they won’t be able to ignore the issue – and eventually they might start believing what you say.

I think you two have started off very well with the “slow acclimation” by having R- tell his family straight-up while he was visiting India. I also think it’s great that you’re making an effort to learn about his culture via the Telugu lessons and the Indian cooking. I’d suggest continuing with that, and adding in other bits of Indian culture as time & comfort level (on your part!) allow. I’m not at all suggesting you change who you are to try to become the perfect Indian daughter, but rather that you try to find subjects where you can meet R-’s family on a common ground. Since it seems that they’re quite uncomfortable with the entire situation, it means that you’ll have to make the effort.

Finally, learning more about R-’s particular family and community will probably help you figure out other things that could help your efforts with his family, and prepare you for when you communicate with them, or eventually meet. (I don’t know much about Telugu families, so I can’t be much help in the specifics). While it seems like he has a great attitude about helping you out here, there may be a lot of things he wouldn’t even think to tell you about, as they’re so natural to him. One thing that really helped me out here was taking a Hinduism course at the same time as Aditya (he was just in it for the easy A). We’d talk about the course topics, and I’d ask about how things worked in his family, and I’d end up hearing five or ten stories from his childhood. I don’t think many people are in a position to take a course like that, but a great alternative is reading fiction & nonfiction books about India and Indian culture together, and then discussing them in relation to his experiences.

So, my main three: address their concerns, keep the communication lines open, and work at understanding his culture (and therefore his family’s reactions).

I hope all of this has been of some help, Travelergal, and I’m wishing the best of luck for you and R- in your efforts to bring his family around! Does anyone else have any suggestions?

Igniting the fear and fascination of city dwellers, a cougar recently turned up roaming around my highly metropolitan area. The cat was a fairly big dude, about 5 feet in length 150lbs, and eventually made its way into the tiny backyard of a resident who described seeing the animal roam by his window as “surreal.” When the police came they tried to contain the beast, but when it lunged at a policeman it was shot and killed. Turns out, shooting the cougar was really the only option given how ill fitted the city is for large, wild animals. The cougar could have killed someone, and there was no easy access to vets or tranquilizers to entertain any other safe idea. This is an example of an ecotone: when two different ecosystems collide and cause tension. The cougar and the city dwellers were just doing what they knew to survive, unfortunately both could not survive together.

Fortunately, I made it out of my first Indian wedding alive, and though my experience isn’t as dramatic as the poor cougar’s fate, I certainly felt out of my element. After having traveled plenty of strange places, visiting Buddhist Mongolian homes, sleeping in $3 hostels, and not to mention my general love for Indian culture, one would think I could handle any kind of situation, any kind of pressure… right? In almost any other contexts and as a seasoned, brave explorer, I think I would have found The Indian Wedding a smörgåsbord of fascination and wonder. However, let me tell you, The Indian Wedding is a much different experience when you are dating one of their own.

Hey, this is a little bit… different!

First of all, I learned that people don’t typically bring dates to Indian wedding unless they are engaged or married to them. It’s just the way it is. Of course, I learned this after the fact and wondered if I was sort of scandalous or irreverent in some way by being R’s date. As I’m sure many of you know, dating is beyond the Traditional Indian periphery, and can be acknowledged as frivolous and even sometimes disrespectful towards the community. Even so, R was bold enough to bring me and really showed a lot of bravery and respect towards our relationship in doing so. Nonetheless, my R was not used to having a “date.” That’s number one.

Number two, it is typical for the ladies and the men to sort of have separate shin-digs throughout the ceremony/reception. So it was typical when R left to go hang out with the guys for 30-45 minutes and me in the company of the Indian gals (who I hardly knew). I couldn’t really understand why he was doing this because as a “date” at weddings I was under the impression that you…hang out with your “date.” So this dynamic, more specific to Indian weddings, sort of left me scratching my head a few times when R disappeared again. I finally told him, mildly exasperated, “Hey! If you’re going to bring me to these things, you have to hang out with me!”

I think this point kind of hints at differences typical of individualist versus collectivist mindsets. At “American” weddings you and your date, fiancé, or spouse usually kind of hang out together throughout the event. There might be times when you and your date go off and talk to others, but it’s usually not for the entire evening. Even though R left on and off at the Indian Wedding/Reception, he was probably the most attentive of the Indian guys to their “dates.” Indian weddings seem to be all about the community, the culture as a whole, and not so much coupling. At the reception, R even picked up a little wandering Indian kid who he didn’t know. When the family saw, they didn’t bat an eyelash and in fact, giggled. R of course eventually brought the little guy back. From the American weddings I’ve been at, most people are pretty vigilant about sticking their kids with who they know. An American might say, “Oh it’s dangerous and unsafe to let your kids wander!” But an Indian might roll their eyes and say, “Please, there is no harm, the kid is having fun, and we all take care of each other here.” It took me a bit to wrap my more individualist prone mind around these concepts.

As far as the sari I wore, the food I ate, and the incredible ceremonial aspects of the wedding itself, I was very comfortable throughout and immensely enjoyed myself. The length of the wedding (about 3.5 hours), all the getting ready, changing outfits for the reception, and the length of the reception rituals did get a little daunting and overwhelming at times. However, I was able to roll pretty well in my typical laid-back form through all those things.

The challenge of being out of my element

The part that puzzled and sort of challenged me most about The Indian Wedding is feeling disconnected from R and experiencing him in a dramatically different way than what I have grown used to. I was able to understand some of this because I knew he was nervous to bring a “date” (his first to an Indian wedding!), anxious about a family member meeting me, and I later realized how the Indian boy/girl camps work at these things. But I wasn’t used to him being so serious, running around and fulfilling needs of The Village as they arose (and inevitably will). It’s not that I was necessarily upset about seeing R as this different, distant person I usually know so intimately and well, I just felt ruffled, perplexed, and a bit out of my element with the whole production…just like the cougar in the backyard.

I didn’t realize these things until a day or two after the wedding…I knew it felt intense, new, and very different to me but I couldn’t pinpoint why right away. Usually I roll with ease in new and challenging situations, and often thrive in them, but it felt very different, and even a little anxiety provoking, to really be on the inside of it. Apart from a few quizzical comments, I didn’t get huffy or upset with R throughout the ceremonies. I tried to let my thoughts marinate and was able to revisit these issues with him a few days later.

R said he never wants me to feel disconnected from him, but stressed there are certain protocols at Indian weddings. Interestingly, he commented that he feels out of place at “American” weddings often being the odd man out…I suppose I got somewhat of a dose of my culture’s own medicine the day of the wedding, too. R and I wonder if maybe when we live in the same city (finally after a year and a half!) and can spend lots of time together, Indian community shin-digs won’t be so intrusive on our time together. I know this was just one instance, one event but I can’t help but wonder if R will always turn into this person I don’t know at the Indian gatherings, someone whose Indianness actually feels like a barrier rather than a source of admiration and intrigue.

Compromises and needs

The way I went about working through these fears is sharing my concerns with R and making a few of my Western needs clear. First, is that eventually (maybe it won’t happen until we are “official” in his parents eyes—I’m willing to wait) he can hold my hand and put his arm around me in public—at least when we are at functions in the States. Second, like I said to him at the reception, he’s going to have to continue to try and be more of a “date” even at Indian weddings and events—even if he’s around family. And I lastly, because of our occasionally different East/West mindsets, we’re really going to have to continue to work out these sorts of ongoing differences in terms of hanging out mostly with his family and friends. Sometimes I feel a little scared about it, like the misplaced cougar delving deep into something she doesn’t know, but when I think about what I have with R, and how receptive he is to my concerns, the risks really do seem worth it.

Take home lesson: Learn the framework—fight the urge to judge, get upset and say fiery things. If you’re new to Indian culture it’s going to take a while to learn the structure of ceremonies and the roles that are expected of people. Fight to take these things personally. Ask your partner to explain things, like Dr. Evil says, “Need the info!” After you have the info and understand the frameworks as they are (without judging them—cause you sure aint gonna change ‘em!), think about how you can fit into it in a way that is satisfactory to you. So think about your needs, think about what you can sacrifice and what you simply cannot. Communicate these things to your partner . . . and well . . . keep plugging along. You’re not alone.