Photo Credit: Kevin N. Murphy

Without doubt this blog has been far more successful than I ever imagined it could be when I started it. Today, just a little over 18 months since I started writing at Gori Girl, we passed the mark of over two thousand comments written here by individuals other than Aditya & I. Two thousand comments, most of which have been detailed, thoughtful contributions to the post I’ve written. I hope you guys understand how thankful I am for your participation here – the discussions and, yes, disagreements have contributed much to my thoughts on things intercultural and India.

Appropriately enough, a post by Normis in the forums yesterday reminded me that we never got around to holding a “Gori Girl” meet-up for everyone in the Mid-Atlantic region (of the US – i.e. near Washington D.C.) this past summer. (What can I say? Summer is always a busy time for us.) So – who’s interested in hanging out somewhere in the DC or NoVA area? I promise you can mock my Hindi pronunciation. *grin* More details below the fold.

When: We’re thinking the first weekend in December – either December 5th or 6th. But I’m open to suggestions if that weekend is particularly bad for the majority of people who are interested in coming.

Where: This would depend on how many people are interested in coming, where they’re traveling from, and how many (if any) are Metro-dependent. I’m thinking either a large coffee shop (a Cosi’s, perhaps?) or a low-key restaurant where people can come and go at their leisure. Suggestions appreciated, if anyone has a good idea.

Who: Anyone who’s in the area and reading this is welcome. Don’t feel like you can’t come if you’re not in an intercultural relationship or any garbage like that. Bring friends if you think they’d be interested in chillin’ with the two coolest people in all of the DC Metro Area. (‘Cause, you know, Aditya and I super-cool. I mean, as I write this, I’m watching MythBusters while studying Hindi flashcards and rubbing the dog’s belly with my foot. If that’s not the epitome of cool, I don’t know what is.)

Let me know in the comments if you’re in!

Added: Aditya and I (and some friends) will be at this weekend’s BollyB!end 2 in Siliver Spring, if anyone in the area is planning on going.

First off, I’m socially awkward by nature – at least when meeting new people. I never know how to make small talk, or when good eye contact crosses the line into weird staring, or if my posture and facial expressions are saying “possibly mentally deranged” rather than “cool and confident “.

Then there’s the fact that I’m meeting the parents. While I’m not exactly a “people pleaser”, I do think it’s important to have a good rapport with the parents of your significant other, at least if he or she is close to them (and Aditya is). If the relationship continues then they’re going to be a part of your life forever, and well, family matters, you know? And first impressions matter too.

Finally, with Aditya’s parents I had the whole “different culture” thing to worry about too. All of the social rules and interpersonal cues – which I only have a passing knowledge of, anyways – go swishing out the window when you’re faced with a new culture. Not only could I completely mess up, I could completely mess up and not even know what I did wrong.

Despite this, my initial meetings with Aditya’s parents – first Maa, then Baba – ended up going quite well. While this may be more due to their innate awesomeness than any actions of mine, I hope my story can help out some of you who are struggling with the same sort of worries I had had. Next post I’ll be focusing on some of the more “theoretical” aspects of meeting the parents, which will greatly extend some of the points I bring up here, so be sure to tune in for that too.

Laying the groundwork

The best thing Aditya and I did in meeting his parents were the extensive preparations – which I’ll term research and parent prep – we did prior to the actual meetings. These preparations allowed both his parents and me to be much more relaxed and ready for each other when we got around to the face-to-face.

Research

As an academic-in-training, I’ve come to value good research. Well, actually, I’ve always valued research – I believe the technical term I heard as a child was “bookworm.” (This is where the lack of social skills stems from.) After Aditya and I decided we were “serious”, I started in on studying up on both India and intercultural relationships. Initially this was meant to help my relationship with Aditya, but it sure paid off when it came to meeting his parents. I availed myself of the following resources:

1. A Hinduism Course
   I audited an Introduction to Hinduism course that was offered at my university. Aditya was actually taking the course at the same as part of his Religious Studies major, which meant that I could pester him after every class to find out which portions of the lecture applied to his family. These questions tended to lead to general discussions about Indian culture beyond Hinduism: a question about caste, for instance, would lead to a discussion about class distinctions in modern India, and what his experiences had been as a child. The American professor of the course, with his “outsider” view of India was also a great resource, particularly since he had spent a number of years living in the state of West Bengal, where Aditya’s family was from.
2. Books on intercultural relationships & India
   I cleaned out both the university and local library looking for any book, fiction or nonfiction, that would give me some information about Indian culture or intercultural relationships. Some of these books can be found on the Intercultural Relationships Resource page, and I’ll be adding more of them in the future. The India books were useful in that they added to my background knowledge of India. Some of the intercultural books had sections devoted to relations with the extended family, or even personal anecdotes from Indian-white couples.
3. The Internet
   I cannot tell you the number of internet searches I performed, both for my relationship with Aditya and specifically in anticipation of meeting with Aditya’s parents. I tried every possible permutation of “India”, “parents”, “culture”, “interracial”, “intercultural”, “relationship”, and so forth, but found very little that addressed the type of concerns I had. That’s one of the reasons why Gori Girl was created. Still, I did find some personal stories and resources, most of which seemed decidedly negative. That’s another reason why Gori Girl was created – those of us who have good stories have less reason to vent or seek advice on the net, but our stories are still needed.

Parent Prep
While I was doing my lit review on All Things Indian and Intercultural, Aditya was working at things from his end as well. His parents live in India, so he knew we wouldn’t be able to meet face-to-face for quite awhile, but we both agreed that it’d be best to inform them about the relationship earlier rather than later.
The timeline went something like this:

1. After we were “serious”, rather than just casually dating, Aditya let his parents know that there was a new girl in his life who happened to be white. This was partly because he didn’t want to keep secrets from his family (they’re all quite close), and partly because he couldn’t have even if he had wanted to.***
2. Over the following months Aditya slowly informed his parents about me. He started with the facts that his parents would want to know about a prospective bride – not because we were engaged at the time, but because in Indian culture the idea of just “dating” is rather new. I was a math and economics major (good job prospects!), was planning on getting a Ph.D (values education!), loved Indian food, was taking a Hinduism class, and had grown up in a very diverse area (open to Indian culture!). A number of his comments were meant to address misconceptions that his parents might have had about Americans and American culture, since they had never been to the US. The main purpose of these conversations was to give his parents ways to understand and relate easily to me.
3. Later, I was introduced to Aditya’s older brother, Dada, and his wife, Bhabi. They’re significantly closer in age to Aditya and I than his parents, and had been living in the US (conveniently only a few miles away from my dad’s house) for some months, so it was a pretty easy meeting – or, at least, less stressful than meeting the parents. While I was nervous, I at least had an idea of what to talk about with them, and could even offer a bit of advice on things to do and see in the area. On our first meeting I think we went out to a South Indian restaurant where I could display my naan-tearing skills and ability to handle spicy food. After the meeting Dada and Bhabi were, of course, interrogated by Aditya’s mother (or so I’m told). This, again, allowed Aditya’s parents to gain more information about me before our big meeting, and therefore become more used to the idea of a white girl dating their boy. I’m all about the slow acclimation.

Meeting Maa

After all that work, it’s rather ironic that I first met one of Aditya’s parents while our relationship was “on a break”. Typical relationship troubles – fighting and the like – had led us to call it quits, at least for a little while. But we were still maintaining a tenuous friendship, and it happened that I was in California visiting my dad at the same time his mother was visiting Dada. Aditya was in California too, and he had to drop something off or pick something up from me – I forget which now. Anyways, he had his brother drive by my dad’s house for the pick up/drop off, and Maa came along to briefly meet this girl that her son had been dating.

Let me tell you, the best way to meet a significant other’s parents is when you’re no longer dating. There’s absolutely no stress, since there’s no real reason to worry if they’ll like you or not. In my case I remember coming out to meet them at the car, dressed in old jeans and a wrinkled over-sized white shirt that I’d stolen from a male Bangladeshi friend. I think my hair was still wet from a shower. I exchanged a few words with Aditya’s mother through the car window – said hello, inquired after her health and what she thought of the the US, and then they drove away (after picking up/dropping off whatever the heck it was). And that was it. Simple, no?

Afterwards I learned, to my immense delight, that Maa had immediately liked me (why, I have no idea – perhaps my excellent taste in stolen shirts). In fact, she started telling Aditya that he shouldn’t have let me get away, and that he should try to get back into a relationship with me, asap. And eventually we did, of course, although I can’t tell you if it was because of Maa’s prompting or not. Still, major ego boost when I finally heard about all this.

Meeting Baba

A couple of months after my first meeting with Maa, Aditya and I were back in a relationship, and back in California. I ended up visiting with Maa several times before I met Baba. They were fairly short meetings, always with Aditya present. Ginger tea was typically served (delicious), along with biscuits or samosas (my favorite Indian snack, but Maa didn’t know that at the time), and we’d hesitantly talk about the weather, California, and my studies, or play a board game. We both were, and to some extent are, rather shy in our conversations. Basically, we’re both afraid of saying the wrong thing and offending the other. Aditya is greatly amused by this.

My first meeting with Baba was very different from these visits with Maa. This is partly because of Baba’s personality – think friendly, easy-going ex-Army officer – and partly because I cleverly brought my family’s huge golden lab, Bear, with me to the meeting. See, Aditya’s family absolutely adore dogs, and Bear loves people and walks. Bringing the dog was a strategic move on my part: the attention would be on Bear, not me. It worked wonderfully. Baba even brought out the camera to take a picture of Bear wandering around Dada’s house. We talked about dogs for awhile, got some water for the pooch, and then I continued on my walk with Bear. Again, the actual event was far less stressful than what I had imagined. And I again attribute this mainly to my inlaws’ coolness: their main concern was that I made their son happy.

Why I think it went well

I’ve already addressed how important I think the groundwork Aditya and I did was, but I’d like to emphasize it again. By the time I met my future inlaws I had a large base of knowledge about Indian culture to draw on, which helped me to pick up on subtle clues and social cues that I might have missed otherwise. I was comfortable entering – or at least stopping by – in the Indian world Maa and Baba live in. That sort of ease just can’t be faked, and, trust me, people do pick up on it.

At the first and subsequent meetings, I made efforts to discuss and do the things I knew I had in common with Maa & Baba. If your significant other is close to his or her family, it’s likely that they posses some of the same traits and interests that originally attracted you to your partner. For instance, Aditya and I both hail from families that play a lot of board and card games – we played them while casually dating, and I played them with his parents during our first few meetings. I know I raised myself a few notches in Baba’s estimation when I picked up their family card game, Twenty nine, with relative ease. Bear’s charming doggy nature (and the good training he displayed) also scored me a couple of points. These are little things, but they help dispel the “otherness” that parents might be uncomfortable with when faced with an intercultural relationship.

I plan to discuss in more general terms the reasonable and rational concerns parents may have about intercultural relationships soonish. I’ve glossed over some of the concerns Maa and Baba had, due to length, so be sure to check out that post if you’re interested in hearing more on this topic.

***Long story here. Short version: I had recently been hospitalized, and then was in a wheelchair for a good month. Aditya was over at my place all the time helping me out, pushing me to classes, and generally being an awesome boyfriend. This meant he would have missed a lot of his parents’ phone calls, and his frat brothers couldn’t cover for him forever. Rather than worry his parents, it was easier to just tell them to call my room’s phone, and explain the circumstances. They were glad he was looking after me like a proper gentleman. By the end of the whole ordeal we were a lot closer, and I could do awesome wheelies.