Photo Credit: TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³

As most of you probably know, there is very little quantitative data out there on interracial marriages, especially anything beyond a basic count of how many there are. I recently stumbled across a study currently being conducted regarding satisfaction within interracial relationships, and I’d like to take a moment to encourage everyone here to consider taking about 20 minutes out of your day to help out a doctoral student completing the study, if you meet the requirements listed below. I’ve already completed it, and it’s pretty straight-forward.

What is the purpose of this study?

The purpose of this study is to investigate the relationship between interactional styles, religious beliefs, and social support on interracial marriage satisfaction. This study is an effort to better understand the experience of social support in interracial marriages and the impact it has on the satisfaction of the married partners.

Who can participate?

At this time, the study is limited to legally married, heterosexual, interracial couples. The interracial pairings that this study is specifically looking at are Black/White (the longest history of interracial couples in the US) and Asian/White (the fastest growing group of interracial marriages).
Volunteers must meet the following requirements to participate:

• Must currently be in a heterosexual, interracial marriage. This study is solely recruiting Black/White and Asian/White couples.
• You must have been married for at least one year.
• Both partners must be 18 years of age or older.
• Both partners must speak proficient English.
• Both partners must be US residents.

Please keep in mind that individuals of “Mixed Race” backgrounds are welcome to participate! Individuals  are welcome to participate as long as he/she can:

1. Self-identify, in part or in whole, with one of the racial groups being studied
2. Has heritage in that racial group they self-identify with and
3. Meets the other criteria listed in the study above

What will be asked of me as a participant?

In order to carry out this study, volunteers will be asked to fill out a series of questionnaires that will take approximately 10-20 minutes to complete. These questionnaires ask questions about interaction, religion, social support, and relationship satisfaction. Both the husband and the wife must fill out the questionnaires and are asked to do so separately. Participants are asked to refrain from discussing the questionnaire until both partners have completed the study. Survey responses will be kept confidential and participants may choose to refrain from providing any identifying information.

How do I volunteer? Who do I contact?

To volunteer, please send an email to: interracialmarriagestudy@gmail.com
You will receive a response asking some preliminary questions to ensure you and your spouse meet the requirements for participating in the study. If so, you will be given an ID code for you and your spouse, and the option to complete either an online questionnaire or have the questionnaire mailed to you. Questionnaire information and details of participating in the study will be provided to those that volunteer

What do I gain from volunteering?

While there are no individual benefits from participating in this study, your involvment will assist in deepening scientific understanding of factors that affect satisfaction in interracial marriages. Additionally, upon completion of the questionnaires, you may choose to enter into a drawing for one of two $50 gift certificates to either Target or Crate and Barrel. This drawing will be open to all participants in this study and is voluntary

If you have other questions, you can also ask them at the facebook page created for the study (or go there to share the study with your other interracial couple friends).

Photo Credit: nattu

Friday Connections: a time when I give links and a bit of commentary to things I’d blog about if I had the time. This week the categories are mixed families, cross-cultural food, and gender inequality issues in India (with a really sweet video).

Mixed Families and the Larger Community

• Mixed and Happy (.com)
  After hearing about the  Louisiana judge who refused to marry an interracial couple – on the grounds that  mixed couples make unhappy families and unhappy children – Suzy Richardson decided to combat such ignorant racist thinking in a manner much more gracious and classy way than I ever could. She’s collecting photographs of happy interracial families to send to the now-ex judge as a Christmas present. They’re also posted on her blog for the project. If you’re comfortable submitting your photographs, I encourage you help her meet her goal of 100 families by the 15th – I believe there’s 15 to go.
• It’s a wonderful, mixed up world
  Dr. Aarathi Prasad discusses the science behind the possibility of mixed children being healthier or better looking than the average population. For more on the genetic take on “interbreeding” see here or here.
• The Great Melting Pot: “Edging” Us out with Interracial Families
  In part of the lovely interconnectivity of the internet, Catherine of Hyphen magazine responds to a Racialious blogger responding to a New York Times article of an incredibly unaware an unreflective white woman raising a mixed-race child. Good stuff for thought on the way some value whiteness and white culture (while liking an “exotic look”).

Cross-Cultural Food Issues

• Some Like It Hot
  A really fascinating article on how different cultures think – and talk about – food, especially what English speakers refer to as “hot” food. Hindi speakers, of course, refer to it with the word “masala”, and Germans talk about food being “scharf” aka sharp. Also of interest is an earlier blog post at the same site asking Is a universal Michelin guide possible?
• Hajmola: A Love/Hate Relationship
  Continuing on the topic of cultural idiosyncrasies in food, Heather of IndianTies has a post wondering if the Indian “candy” of Hajmola can ever be appreciated by someone who didn’t grow up with it. (I’m in the “this is so totally not a candy” camp.)
• Cranberries and Thanksgiving Dinner
  C at American-Nepali Household held Thanksgiving dinner with some of her Nepalese friends – and is a bit sad that they would rather have Nepalese substitutes for traditional Thanksgiving dishes rather than the originials. She’s still bringing the traditional can of cranberry sauce, though!

(Mostly) Negative Gender Issues in India

• Part-Liberated Woman
  Heartcrossings blogs about the difficulty of being an expat Indian woman considering a move back home – where she feels she won’t have the same freedom of existence that she – and her young daughter – have in the Western world.
• Answeres to Questions about My Life in India
  Sharell at White Indian Housewife answers some questions her readers have about her experiences living in India. This set of questions is regarding the different way Indian men and women seem to respond to her.
• India Among the Worst in Man-Woman Equality
  India was ranked 114 out of 134 countries in man-woman equality, according to the World Economic Forum. You can find the entire report here. The summary reports regarding South Asia that

While Bangladesh, India and Pakistan perform very poorly on the economic, education and health subindexes, their overall scores are partially bolstered by relatively good performances on political empowerment (Bangladesh ranks 17th, India 21st and Pakistan 43rd on this subindex). Relative to their own performances in 2006, Bangladesh, Iran and Pakistan register small increases in scores, while India’s sex ratio at birth fell to 0.89 girls for every boy, causing its overall score to decrease.

• Did affirmative action work for Indian women?
  In positive news, however, it looks like using affirmative action – i.e. quotas – requiring certain Indian districts to elect women leaders has led to an increase in the chances of a woman leader being elected in the same district after the quota ended. At least so far.
• Finally, I leave you with this heart-warming video about young, articulate women getting the chance to become Hindu priests:

Photo Credit: Hamed Saber

A phone conversation from last night:

Aditya: Hey, guess what came in the mail today?

GG, at the office, as always: How are you home already? Don’t you work? … And, yeah, so what came in the mail?

Aditya: News from the Department of Homeland Security.

GG: Have they scheduled our follow-up green card interview, then?

Aditya: Better – they approved me right away! I’m now a permanent Permanent Resident.

GG: Wait, they can waive the two-year review interview? Sweet! Do you think the fact that we sent in not one but two dog adoption contracts pushed us over the edge into not needing another interview? Or was it the printout of the front page of gorigirl.com?

Aditya: I think it was the detailed timeline of our relationship I wrote up, and maybe the fact that we own a house and two cars together. Also: I can now divorce you freely. Be nice to me.

GG: Oh, frack you. And please have dinner ready by the time I get home.

*click*

For anyone interested, our (well, Aditya’s) immigration timeline can be found here. We may have had the easiest green card experience in the history of US immigration. Ever.

(Also, for any immigration officers reading along at home, Aditya does not plan to divorce me now that his green card is secured. I think. Please still send us an updated green card, preferably with Obama’s profile included in the Presidential lineup.)

Overall Impressions

I think that Your Intercultural Marriage is a good book – for the niche that the author, Marla Alupoaicei, is trying to serve: Christian intercultural couples.  With over half of the pages mentioning Christianity, the Bible, or God, I am obviously not the target audience. Nonetheless, I did enjoy the book, and I found useful material in here that I believe could appeal to anyone. I’d highly recommend the book to any Christian intercultural couple whose faith is a large part of their lives. For the more general intercultural couples, this book would not be among my top selections but it’s worth a pick-up if you see it in your local library, or if you’re comfortable picking and choosing from what’s written to find valuable information for your situation. The first chapter of Your Intercultural Marriage can be downloaded here (pdf).

More Details on Your Intercultural Marriage

The book is broken down into twelve chapters: the first half focuses on general topics of interest to any (Christian) intercultural couple, with topics such as “Surviving (and Enjoying) Your Engagement, Wedding, and Honeymoon” and “Building Strong Verbal and Nonverbal Communication Skills”. The second half of the book discusses more specific concerns that intercultural couples often have: time-orientation, food, finances, children, and so forth.  Each chapter starts and ends with a quote, and is followed by a suggested list of movies to watch (a feature which I fear will date the book in a few years time).

Alupoaicei’s breezy, friendly style of writing – with lots of pointers towards other resources  and questions to consider on your own – gives her book a feeling similar to a well-edited blog. You aren’t going to find any deeply thought-provoking passages here (other than the quoted Biblical ones, perhaps), but you  are going to find plenty of ideas that could lead to an ah-ha moment or a  great discussion with your significant other.

The amount of information presented, while great,  is also the book’s main weakness: with so much research and anecdotes from other sources (such as Romano’s Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls) some chapters seem to have little of Alupoaicei’s own analysis, ideas, and self-reflection. However, other chapters, such as “Coming to Terms with Faith and Values” do pull together theoretical research, the author’s personal experience, list of questions, and the like to create a strong – albeit very Christian-oriented – chapter that will guide an intercultural couple through potential issues. I also appreciated the detailed chapter on intercultural marriage in the Bible, which I suspect could be particularly helpful if you have conservative (or bigoted) family members who believe that intercultural or interracial marriage are prohibited by God and/or the Bible.

Bottom line: If you are in the demographic Your Intercultural Marriage targets, I suspect that you’ll find this book pretty valuable.  If you aren’t, the constant discussion of the Bible & Christianity could grate, but if you can look past it, then you’ll find some good information and fun stories of other intercultural couples. I came away satisfied with the amount I got for the time I gave the book.

Giveaway!

If you’d like to be entered into the giveaway contest for Your Intercultural Marriage, just leave a comment here by Friday morning, Eastern Standard -  and include at least one fact or sentence about something intercultural, marriage, or book-related in your life in your comment. (Detailed & unique entries get bonus cool points, but everyone will have an equal chance to win.) I’ll draw the names randomly, and then contact you for shipping information if you win one of the copies of the book.

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free review copy of this book by the publisher.

This is Part Six of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you’re new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One, where the story starts.

After we started the fire (think Agni Pradipan, not Billy Joel), I fed Aditya some pre-made Laddu, which is a common Indian sweet used in pujas and other ceremonies. After this Aditya stood up and promised to provide for me for the rest of my life, so, really, I didn’t begrudge him the sweet. (Also: it was way too hot to do much but sweat beside that fire. Doesn’t look like it? Read on.)

To stay hydrated in the face of the fire (or, you know, for religious religions) we were both given some water from the Ganges to drink. From our cupped hands. This may have been the only water I drank during my entire time in India that was not personally verified by Aditya or another family member as safe for my oh-so-delicate American stomach. For the record, by the way, despite a complete lack of regard on my part, I never had the slightest stomach ache while in India.

After drinking the Ganges water – most of which ended dribbled onto my sari – the whole marriage “team” started to work to get the fire roaring. The younger priest – the one who wasn’t reciting Vedic hymns to music throughout – placed pieces of kindling into the fire. Maa, Baba, and my uncle tossed in mixtures of herbs in time to the drum beat. (Uncle Mark took a few minutes to get the beat properly.) Aditya and I spooned in oil from special spoons, held in a special manner. It was all very serious, of course. Well, except for the fact that Baba appeared to be aiming his herbal throws to cover our special spoons. And Aditya kept knocking his spoon into mine in (he says) an effort to dislodge the herbs covering his spoon – I suspect he was just being a brat. The end result, of course was predictable:

It got really hot and the fire got really high. And my flowers wilted. Which made me pout. Also, people were continuing to look at me, which will make any introvert pout. Then I remembered that it was my wedding and I got to play with fire! And life suddenly seemed better.

The majority of the wedding ceremony, as I recall, was playing with fire. As I mentioned earlier, as we fed the fire our Arya Samaj head priest recited Vedic hymns. Because the Araya Samajis believe that you should know what you’re promising, every part was first paraphrased by the priest in English (Maa & Baba hunted high & low for an English-speaking priest for me) before being recited in Sanskrit. The offerings we made were meant to symbolize our joint responsibility – along with that of our families’ – to maintain the love, duty, and dignity of the marriage.

After the fire was good and roaring, Aditya’s brother, Dada, stepped in to help us pour an offering of puffed rice into the fire. Traditionally this would be done by the brother or brother-cousin of the bride, but my brother was unable to make the trip to India.

In case you were wondering, the fire at the center of the Hindu wedding ritual is considered a god in and of itself – Lord Agni, God of Fire. Agni, for Arya Samjis, serves to dispel darkness and ignorance while brining light and knowledge.

After pouring the puffed rice (three times), we were on to the final – and most important stages of the wedding: the vows and steps around the fire. Which is where I made my largest mistake of the entire wedding…

Part Seven – the final post on my Indian Wedding – can be found here.

Aditya: So what is that story that you were telling, of when Baba came to meet you?

Baba: That was our semi-arranged marriage!

Maa: Semi? Why “semi”? Absolutely arranged!

Baba: I saw her, and then I said okay. It was not arranged. So semi.

Maa: They put an advertisement in paper, that their son is not getting married for last ten years, they’re searching for daughter-in-law.

Baba: And my in-laws had a daughter who was not being married for ten years, said, “Okay, this is a right match!”

Maa: So, when they came, they didn’t tell me… Maybe my parents knew it, but I didn’t know that they were coming. So it was Sunday, and I had lot of hair… The whole week I had to go to college, so I didn’t wash my hair properly, because in India you can’t go with, uh, hair loose, you have to tie it up. Nowadays everything is gone, but that time it was there. So Sunday is my oil massaging day. So from top to bottom I used to apply oil.

Aditya: And Maa’s hair was down to her knees almost.

Maa: So, they came at three o’clock. And I took bath at twelve o’clock, I think. And I didn’t do shampoo also. And you can just imagine…

Baba: You know, that is why I got married to her, just because of her hair. Because I could not see anything else [to judge]!

<laughter>

Maa: And in India, when some girl is to, uh, be presented to her in-laws, they put on a lot of makeup, good saris, jewelry. But I was wearing a cotton sari, normal, because I didn’t know that they were coming. And my sister-in-laws, all, my parents, couldn’t [dress me up], because I am very strict about that. What I am, I am, there’s no makeup or something. And, I used to wear a bangle on my right hand. On my left hand, I used to wear a watch, a wrist-watch. I was at home, so I didn’t wear that also. And I met him like that!

GG: So, after you both met, did you discuss anything with each other?

Baba: Oh, yeah, we had a talk, between us. But I don’t think that it was, uh, like an examination. We just discussed what I feel, what did she feel that particular day? That’s all.

Maa: And then for food, at the restaurant, I didn’t take it. Because my mother told me, don’t go with anybody in the restaurant. So he was asking, “Are you hungry?” “No,” [I said].

Baba: So I sat down, I ate.

Maa: And he ate. When we came back to our home, from [movie] picture, I was telling my mother, “Give me some food, I am very hungry!” And he says, “Why didn’t you take?!” But how could I explain to him at that time?

Baba: That was my golden era.

I cannot imagine participating in the process of an arranged marriage – not that I think that they’re necessarily bad, but I just can’t picture what it would be like. Maa & Baba’s story of their first meeting was, therefore, quite enlightening as to some of the particulars. It all strikes me as something out of a Jane Austin novel.

GG: Okay, next question!

Baba: This is off the syllabus?

GG: Yes! So, did Aditya discuss marrying me with you?

Maa: Actually, I told him, you ought to get married. If you want to stay together, you ought to get married. That I told him.

Aditya: I mean, it was a variety of things. I think it started… I mean, obviously, after graduating, I moved to California, and I was looking for housing. We talked about it. And obviously I asked before I proposed to GG.

Maa: He didn’t ask, we discussed.

Aditya: Yeah, we discussed, it was more like that.

Maa: I said, if you want to be with her, then get married. You take the responsibility.

The idea of “responsibility” being a key part of a marriage is something I’m still noodling over. I’ll admit I’ve never thought of it in exactly those terms.

GG: Did your expectations of what you expect for a daughter-in-law change after Aditya said he was marrying me?

Aditya: What I think she is asking is, would you have different expectations if she was Indian?

Baba: No. And that should be in block capitals! Because I told you, my expectations for my daughter-in-law is the same whether it is Bhabi, Punjabi, or GG, American.

Bhabi is Aditya’s sister-in-law, i.e. Baba’s other daughter-in-law, for those just tuning in.

GG: So, what would you say was something I did that impressed you early on?

Maa: Everything.

Aditya: I think they spoke the highest of your card-playing ability.

GG: Card-playing?

Maa: Yeah, card-playing…

Baba: Not card-playing ability, the way you picked up the game. You know, pick-up is more important for playing the game. If your pick up is good, whether it is cards or studies, that is a quality, and of course, which I feel did impress on the first day.

Like Aditya, I come from a family where playing cards is a key part of family bonding. Aditya’s family’s game is Twenty-Nine, while my family plays a house version of Rummy and Oh Hell. Being decent at cards in both of our families – or at least enjoying playing cards – is a pretty important trait.

Maa: Even when we came back from the cabin, you cooked for us, a nice —

Baba: No, that was afterwards, but, my point is, the first day.

Maa: But, that time, they were not even engaged. So I liked it very much.

I made a spicy spagetti with chicken sausage (since Maa & Baba don’t eat beef or pork), a simple salad, and some out-of-the-box cake for the family at Aditya’s brother’s house while they were off on a day trip – really the meal was nothing special or complicated. I think Maa might have been secretly afraid that the rumors of Americans were true, and I couldn’t cook a thing.

Aditya: What about Bear?

GG: My dad’s dog.

Maa: Oh, very sweet, very nice.

Aditya: Baba was taking pictures all evening of Bear, there were more pictures of Bear than of GG.

Maa: I liked your mother, your grandmother… And I was very much impressed by you.

Maa met my materal grandmother while I was back in the Midwest, attending college. Granmama is a French-Candian immigrant, altho she’s lived in the US for most of her life.

GG: Anything I did that surprised you, or maybe somewhat negative? Something you thought was kind of odd?

Baba: Actually, should I tell you? Yes, I’m not so critical in little things. If otherwise it is acceptable, it is okay.

Maa: Yes, everybody has some problems.

Baba: If everybody is happy, I feel that it’s good enough. I don’t see things so critical.

GG: Okay, so, now, Aditya & I are married… What is the hardest part about having a non-Bengali, or non-Indian daughter-in-law?

Maa: From my side, the only difficulty is to express myself.

Baba: The language.

Maa: The language. The hardest thing. Nothing else.

Aditya: (sarcastically) GG has been working hard on her Hindi.

I think I have a mental block against learning languages. I’m still struggling to keep a schedule of regular studying – but hearing this was a big motivator.

Baba: I don’t… Whether you are GG, or someone else, it would have not have made much of difference if that person were the same as GG. Because I don’t, uh, everybody has some shortcoming, some strong points. So if I forget about the rest of the things, only see the small shortcomings here or there, mentally I will not be happy. And I do not want to be unhappy.

GG: But is there any difficulty you see, maybe in customs I don’t know, or…

Maa: Even I don’t know a lot of customs. So I don’t care for that.

GG: Or my family doesn’t have the same expectations that an Indian family would…

Maa: How would I know, how do we know what your family expectations? We don’t know…

Baba: One thing I know, GG, that I have got my own way of looking at things. I can lead my life in that lane/line/road – whatever you want to call it, but I cannot make others follow it. Therefore, yes, often things happen even between me and Maa, where we think differently, we argue, feel bad. Maa stops talking, I stop talking, but that is for only a few hours. Because we know that this has to be there, because [we are] two persons.

Similarly, if I am very critical to anybody, it is making an unhappy relation, and no one is happy by doing so. It is better if we can enjoy each other’s company, which is good, overlook the shortcomings, the things that we don’t like. If I know that GG does not like something, I would like to avoid those things as much as possible. I have not vacuumed your bedroom, because I have felt that you would not like disturbed whatever arrangement or, uh, disarrangement…

<general laughter>

…that you have got. It is something like that, I have avoided it. But had it been my world, anybody could have done it for me and I would be happy. It is something like that. I try to avoid, don’t see things, which I feel may cause a bit of uneasiness between two persons.

GG: Is there anything that has been a positive, an unexpected thing that you’ve learned or experienced from having an American daughter-in-law?

Baba: Should I say now, one-to-one? Ready? Sure? I had the impression that Americans are generally very clean …that they keep things in order. But here, I have found…

And the truth comes out! This was the only critical thing I could get Maa & Baba to admit.

GG: It’s as much your son as me!

Aditya: GG, don’t even go there. You know, Thalith used to be our roommate, first when the three of us lived together, and then Thalith, GG, Ivan, and Claudia [lived together]. Thalith always used to make fun of us because the house was dirty and he used to blame me. But after I graduated, and he lived just with her, then he realized that what he actually saw there was her mess minus my cleaning up. You know, I visited GG twice, surprised her by arriving there before she expected me to be there. And the first day that I got there GG was sitting on the bed. And to get on the bed you could only put one step on the ground from the door. So you had to make a hop on one foot towards the bed, and then from that foot – you didn’t have space to put down the second foot – you had to hop off of that foot straight onto the bed. So everything you see is, always remember, that is GG minus my cleaning. Don’t say that it’s equally my fault.

While it is true that my college apartment room was that messy (I was working on my senior thesis!), it is complete falsehood that Aditya is a net benefit in the cleaning  department; during the same time period Aditya’s studio in California was nearly as messy. Really, we’re just messy (and busy) people.

Maa: What to say…

GG: It’s okay to say unflattering things. Whatever is on your mind.

Maa: Actually, I love you very much, all qualities, but the only thing, I can’t tolerate this much of untidiness. No, I think that, uh, you are since your childhood away from your mother, maybe that has affected you. Because only a mother can teach a daughter…

GG: My mother is also very messy.

Maa: Maybe, maybe because of that.

Maa: What you will do, please, you [GG] do the dusting and cleaning, let him do the vacuuming. Yes, do it together. That way you will enjoy it. Otherwise you’re doing it here, he’s doing it there. When Aditya told me that last time that Amy [the basement tenant] was here, that after Amy left, we’ll do the basement as the TV room or something like that. How is it possible that somebody is playing there, she’s playing here in her computer? This is not right. Whenever you’ll be at home, stay together. That is the first thing between husband and wife. You’ll see that in our house also, wherever Baba is I try to be, yes, because I don’t get to …

Baba: You see, when I want to avoid her, she’s always there! … Have you gone to church? Have you seen a dirty church?

GG: I don’t go to church.. I’ve only been a few times when I was little.

Baba: Okay, the ten times you’ve gone to church in your life, have you ever seen a dirty, stinking church?

GG: No…

Baba: Why? Cleanliness is next to godliness! And it is your house. You want that, you know, welcoming look. A house that is messy cannot be a happy house.

Point. Aditya and I really do need to stop living like we’re still in college.

GG: Okay, last two questions. Is there any advice that you would give to an American, or another Westerner who is dating an Indian, and is worried maybe that the parents won’t approve or anything like that?

Maa: Yes. There is something. Like [in] India, we are naturally very family-oriented. It is in our, uhh, in our heritage. But in Western country, people are so advanced, so educated, so independent, that sometimes, they feel, that…

Baba: They become islands.

Maa: Yes, they become islands. The space, their conception of personal space makes them very lonely, gradually. Everybody has some defects, some shortcomings – that is a girl also and a boy. Don’t look at the shortcomings. If you like somebody, if you love somebody, try to, both of, try to compromise on some points. If you can give only will you have something. Always if you – uh, not you, I mean general you – that giving away is much better than taking away.

Baba: No, actually, her question was actually if an Indian boy or a girl is dating an American boy or girl, what advice would be given to them. That is what she asked.

Maa: That is the advice! You have to give something to take something!

Baba: No, no, no… That you are talking about harmony in married life or in relationship. I would say that if they are dating an Indian boy, don’t just go by the boy. Unless he has decided to get out of the family altogether – cut off, I mean – not that [he is] in touch with them, they come and go… Otherwise, the boy should make it clear exactly how his parents or her parents would react to such a decision.

Like, you two are very nice. When you come to India, we [could have] decided no, you have to be like Indian girl, you have to put on a lot of oil, get up early in the morning, five o’clock, take a bath, go to temple, do puja, come back, then you go to the kitchen, cook food.

Maa: That type of family is still there in India.

Baba: A lot of them! The ones that – I have been reading your blog – most of the people they have got that type of problem when they go abroad, to their in-laws place. Therefore, it must be absolutely clear in mind [of the couple] what the expectations [are] at the other end. And if it is so, they should not go to India at all. Because a lot of disharmony would be created on such visits. And as far as we are concerned, as I told you, we are much more liberal, we know and we have got faith on our children, and things are different. I don’t think that one can, uh, judge parents just by seeing our family.

Maa: Even uh, Indian girls get lots of problems.

Baba: Indian girls get problems at their in-laws place because the culture, the practices are different.

GG: Would you suggest for a couple in that situation, that they just go along with the parents, or they say “no, we aren’t going to do that. She will not be getting up at five am”? Or some sort of compromise?

Baba: No, no, I would say if they’re going to live in US they should live like in US. They cannot live in US as [in] India. If you are going to live in India, live like India[ns]. You should not change your lifestyle because you are in a different country [for a short visit], you better live the style of the country [that] you live in.

GG: Anything else you want to share?

Maa: No, I told you that space is very…

Baba: Space should not make–

Maa: Make a man lonely.

Baba: No. That should not, I would say, divide a couple.

Aditya: I think it’s all about, when it comes to intercultural relationships, or really any relationship, it’s all about setting expectations. Like you should never get to the point where there is, like… In most Indian families parents are part of the married family. And you should never get to the point where those stakeholders are not on the same page.

Baba: That’s what I’m saying. And once – often courtship, like salesmanship – often the boy or the girl will tell little bit of half-truth. They will tell the facts just to impress, or hide things that maybe one [will] realize when you go to India. So that should be quite clear, how it is like at the other end. Like earlier, people used to get married, not to Americans, but a lot of people used to get married to the European girls, mainly British. And most of these people are sufficiently moneyed, but they were not like Rajas. But they used to give the impression that they were like small Rajas. And after the wedding they used to go, they used to find that things are not like what they heard during their courtship, and they had a lot of trouble during those days. The same way that I feel that one should be quite truthful, and put both sides on the right side of the picture, and then decide.

Maa: And husband and wife relationship should very, very based on honesty.

And that was the end of the interview.

Me? Oh, well, I don’t have a faith. And, no, I’m not interested in getting one either.

That was my  polite non-answer when asked about my religious beliefs by two Christians who stopped by Aditya’s and my doorstop to proselytize last weekend. And it was as true, as far as it goes – I’m not one much for simple faith in any context. When discussing my religious beliefs with friends & family, I’m most likely to to describe myself simply as an atheist. But when I’m feeling a little mischievous – or argumentative – I’ll sometimes put in that I’m an atheist – and a Hindu.

Yeah, it’s a bit of a complicated situation; I blame Aditya for it completely.  Like many other things in my life, religion is something that has become more complicated since we set off on our intercultural marriage adventure.

My religious past

Growing up, I’d describe my family as nominal Christians, like so many other Americans. We’d occasionally go to church, we’d celebrate Christmas and Easter with both secular and religious iconography & stories, and one summer I went to a day Bible camp at the urging of my (more religious) grandparents.

I never really “got” religion. When I went to church while my grandparents were visiting it was because after Sunday School they served doughnuts! And juice! At five I was junk-food deprived. I did try to understand & believe in what I heard in church and from family members – I distinctly remember trying to fit the Christian story of creation together with my understanding of evolution when I was six:

Maybe the kids of Adam and Eve interbred with the evolved humans, and people who are particularly stupid or do bad things like murder and steal are that way because they have more monkey genes!

Moral theory, eugenics and faith-based science in one sentence from a six year old! (There are family members who are surprised that I’ve managed to grow up into a reasonably sane adult.) To compound things further, when I was ten I stumbled onto both Dostoevsky and philosophy, and, well, early exposure to that sort of thing is bound to screw a kid up. In my case, Ivan Karamazov’s presentation of the problem of the evil rocked my world view, and ultimately led me to disbelieve in an omnipotent, omniscient, and benevolent god:

Imagine that you are creating a fabric of human destiny with the object of making men happy in the end, giving them peace and rest at last, but that it was essential and inevitable to torture to death only one tiny creature- that baby beating its breast with its fist, for instance- and to found that edifice on its unavenged tears, would you consent to be the architect on those conditions?

Since then I’ve read significantly on religion, ethics, and the philosophy of religion, but nothing I’ve read has given me  such a strong punch to the gut – and nothing has changed my mind on the nonexistence of the Abrahamic God. That, along with strong leanings towards secular Humanism and a scientific mindset were all of my “religious” beliefs when I met Aditya.

Hinduism & Aditya

Aditya is very up front about his religious beliefs. While I wouldn’t call my husband a “spiritual person”, many of his actions and thoughts seem to flow from his religious background and beliefs – like many Hindus I know.

He’ll be writing his own post on the topic of religion and our relationship, so I won’t attempt to explain his religious beliefs myself – suffice it to say, he calls himself an atheistic Hindu – although pantheistic Hindu might be more accurate.  Prior to meeting him, I had very little knowledge of Hinduism, besides the fact that it talked about reincarnation. I did know it had something to do with reincarnation, and lots of gods. Speaking of, here’s a Fun Reincarnation Anecdote: as a barbaric, bloodthirsty child I used to go out after it rained to get rid of the snails in our garden. My mom initially objected to my use of a salt shaker as the weapon of choice, but desisted when I appealed to her vague hippie leanings that the snails were probably just people who had been very bad in past lives, and were getting what was coming to ‘em. That Russian literature, it screws a person up, I’m telling you.

Anyways, when Aditya and I first became a serious couple one of my first actions was to audit a Hinduism course, as described in this post – although I admit part of my motivation  was to end the association I had between Hinduism and evil snails. Each new aspect of Hinduism that I discovered through the class led to hours of discussion with Aditya as I learned about the specific practices he and his family followed (none of it included snails).

After these discussions I never worried that religion would be a source of friction in our relationship because our belief sets, while somewhat different, are mutually respectable and give us similar Weltanschauungs (worldviews). I think both of these – respect of the other’s beliefs, and similar mindsets, if not similar beliefs – are key to a successful relationship. I know that I could never have a serious romantic relationship with a Christian or moral relativist simply because those beliefs are antithetic to mine – and given my fascination with philosophy of religion and metaethics we’d never quit arguing about it. And as Aditya will attest, I am a classically-trained s.o.b. in a philosophical argument.

It also helped that I find many of the religious texts of Hinduism – particularly the Gita and the Upanishads – incredibly meaningful as philosophy, albeit not presented in the analytical framework I’m most familiar with. And while I don’t hold with the superstitions of any religion, including Hinduism, I certainly don’t think that the rituals and traditions of Hinduism are bunk, as I discussed in this blog post on intercultural acceptance. Rather, for me, ritual and tradition are the containers within which substance is stored – they create meaning in the same way as performative speech.

Becoming a Hindu?

While I incorporated some Hindu beliefs and rituals in my daily life and thoughts since studying the religion  in college, I have only been somewhat comfortable calling myself a Hindu since having an Arya Samaj wedding a year & a half ago. Until that point I would have said that I agree with some Hindu philosophy (I use “some” as a modifier since the heterogeneity of Hinduism means that no one can coherently accept all parts of Hindu philosophy). So why the change?

Well, as a wife of a Hindu man, a daughter in a Hindu family, and a eventual mother of Hindu kids, I am now not just a believer in some Hindu thought , but also a participant in Hindu culture and family life. And for me, personally, that makes the difference between being a Hindu and believing in some parts of Hinduism. It’s an odd distinction to many Westerners, I think, who are use to the straightforward conversion processes in Abrahamic religions, which have relatively clearer doctrines of faith than most religions developed in Asia, which can often be atheistic in nature.

Hinduism’s mark can be seen in our household – if you look closely – but day-to-day life isn’t much different than what you would expect in your typical nonreligious Western home.  There’s a shelf of religious texts above my shelf of ethics & philosophy books. One flat surface in the house plays host to a Nataraja, a Buddha, incense, and a growing collection of Ganishas – but also has Indian knicknacks and the occasional tea mug. Setting up a better puja area is on the long to-do list…

But, really, that’s about it. We don’t go to Hindu temple regularly, despite the fact that there’s two temples within ten miles (I wasn’t joking when I wrote that we now live in the Desi suburbs of DC). We don’t follow many common rituals – and there’s certainly no daily household pujas happening here! Right or wrong, I do sometimes feel that this lack of outwardly trappings of Hinduism makes my claim on Hinduism less “real”, at least to others. This is a relatively recent phenomenon – when I was simply a humanist atheist I never questioned whether my identity in that group was real or not. I suspect part of the issue is simply the way Aditya and I are settling into life and looking for a community; I’ve even been considering hitting up the local Unitarian Universalists to see if we’d fit in there, with our atheistic notions and statues of gods. The two, after all, are an odd combination to most people.

In the end though, I feel extremely comfortable with my philosophical and religious beliefs. Hinduism was an unexpected addition to my philosophy, but I have no doubt that I’m much richer for it  (Aditya was unexpected too – so help me, as a preteen I had a grand plan of studying math at CalTech, getting an MBA in Switzerland, and marrying an Austrian). And while it’d be pure hubris to say I’ve got this whole religion thing figured out by my mid-twenties, I do think I’ve developed a good structure on which to grow my understanding in the future. And, hey, I’ve always got my Russian literature to fall back on.

(Not Leo Tolstoy though – he’s a religious fruitcake.)

“Are you going to wear sindoor today?” You should! – you look so beautiful when you wear it!”

And, almost always, I mumble something that amounts to “no, not today.”

It’s not that I don’t like sindoor in and of itself. The fine, red powder – which is traditionally worn daily by married Hindu women at the front of the center part in their hair – is fine in my books. It’s not a custom I grew up with, but I don’t think it looks bad – just different. And, yeah, sure, I have a tendency to smear it all over my forehead within an hour of application. Whatever – I do that with my eyeliner & mascara most days too, making raccoon eyes a signature Gori look.

No, my problem with wearing sindoor is that most days I’m headed into work. Where there are a fair number of Indian people. And none of them wear traditional Indian clothing, except for the occasional short kurta – certainly there isn’t any sindoor-wearing going on amoung the married ladies! One older Bengali coworker even expressed amazement that I followed the “old-fashioned” tradition of wearing a loha – a gold-plated iron bangle that serves as a wedding ring among Bengali women – on my left wrist daily.

On the other hand, though, when we have people from the Delhi office visiting headquarters, they love that I wear bangles, that I have kurtas in my regular office clothes rotation, and that I occasionally wear sindoor. (Sidenote: when one of said Delhi office coworkers messaged me with a software question that started with a “yaar, how does one…”, I was pretty thrilled at the implied familiarity. Of course, I couldn’t answer his question, since our computer software is acutally composed of ancient cryptic riddles in text files, not understandable data.)

On the third hand (yes, yes, I know), the last time I wore sindoor to the office, my boss wanted to know if I needed a band-aid for the cut on my head. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Does anyone else have problems with this?

I think I’ll be sticking to wearing sindoor strictly outside of the office from here on out.  Or put in for a transfer to Delhi.

(Hmm, well, he is an odd, odd dude. But not because he’s married to me. Or, I mean, not ’cause he’s married to a white woman – I’ll admit you might have to be odd to voluntarily marry me. We brought matching crazy to the marriage table as dowry.)

Well,  the statistics on interracial marriages in America are now here, courtesy the US Census, so we can put this baby to rest. Actually, the statistics have always been “here” since the 2000 Census information was released, but I’m not such a numbers nerd that I felt like crunching the raw data myself with SAS or STATA. Luckily for me, a pair of sociologists have already done the dirty work, and their results have been made available at Dr. C.N. Le’s Asian Nation website. I’m going to only present the South Asian related statistics here, but Dr. Le has the same sort of information available on all Asian ethnicities, and you can tease out information about other ethnicities as well.

The data on interracial marriages is broken down first into the sexes – so we can see how intermarriage varies by gender , and then into the three following groups, each of which gives us a snapshot of the whole picture:

1. Marriages of ALL South Asian individuals, whether the person is an immigrant to the US or not. This data is great in one way, as it let’s you know what types of marriages the entire South Asian population have, but it’s also troublesome. The problem  is that a lot of married people immigrate to the US, and they’ll be counted in this group too. That means the data captures not only the type of marriages taking place in the US, but also how prevalent interracial marriages are in  India & neighboring countries (hint: it’s quite, quite low).  Why does that matter? Well, it’s the difference between marriages happening in America and married people living in America – if you want to know more about former, you won’t learn it here. The information about this group of all desis, however, will let you know how likely it is that the random brown person you grab off the street in the US is married to someone of a different ethnicity.
2. Marriages of South Asians where the South Asian individual in the marriage was raised in the US. To be considered “raised in the US” for this study, you must have been born & raised here, or have immigrated to the US no later than age 13. If you immigrated to the the US after 13, then your childhood was primarily spent elsewhere, and you’re considered foreign-raised.  This second group serves as a sort-of proxy for marriages that take place in the US, since only the spouse may be foreign-raised, not the individual in question (remember, we’re taking the sexes separately, so for the guys, belonging to this category would mean the guy was US-raised and the woman was either US-raised or foreign-raised. This set up allows us to avoid counting couples composed of two foreign-raised individuals – which are the couples who likely immigrated here already married.
3. Marriages of South Asians where both the South Asian individual and the spouse are US-raised. This third group is pretty straightforward, and is quite interesting in terms of seeing how Indian immigrants’ children are intermixing with the rest of America.

So, the data for guys, in pretty graphical form:

Clear trends can be seen here, with couples composed of a male South Asian raised in the US achieving greater percentages of interracial marriage than the group of desis as a whole. About 8.1% of all South Asian guys (group 1) marry someone of a different race (is that higher than you suspected? It is for me!), but among American-raised desi guys marrying American-raised women (group 3) 43.4% of them are marrying interracially – quite a lot! Note, however, that of all US-raised South Asian dude (group 2), only 26.7% of them married interracially. It’s only those that chose to marry other US-raised individuals that married outside of their ethnicity to such a large degree.

Now for the girls:

The intermarriage rates here are a little lower compared to the guys for the whole population (6.4%), but, surprisingly higher for the group 3 girls, with 45.7% marrying someone of a different ethnicity. The majority of the difference for group 3 between genders seems to come from marriages between South Asians and whites, as “only” 31% of South Asian men in group 3 marry white women, but 36.3% of South Asian women in group 3 marry white guys. It’s a bit curious though, that as we look at US-raised desis as a whole (i.e. group 2), we don’t see the same difference in the marrying of white folk – 18.5% of US-raised Indian guys married white woman & 18.9% of US-raised Indian gals married white men. Overall, 24.3% of US-raised desi women married out of their ethnicity, which is lower than it is for group 2 guys.

Now, you might be saying, “Wait a second – there’s no way these numbers are correct – I know a lot of South Asians, and very few of them are married interracially”. And, of course, you’d be correct. The higher percentages of interracial marriage only occur among US-raised South Asians. And only about 1 in 10 of all the married desi individuals living in the US is US-raised. There’s about 630 thousand married Indian guys, of which only 54 thousand are US-raised. It’s similar with the females, with 580 thousand married Indian gals in the US, of whom only 60 thousand are US-raised.

A few disclaimers:

1. This data is drawn from the US Census, and, like all censuses, it isn’t perfect. That being said, it’s a hella a lot better than the vast majority of sociological data out there, especially when compared to similar-sized data sets.
2. The data does not discriminate between citizens and non-citizens – just all people living in the US at the time of the 2000 census. So, for example, if Aditya and I had been married at that time, he would have shown up in this data, even though he’s just a green card holder.
3. These percentages are based off of different sized groups, so don’t go adding and subtracting percentages willy-nilly. If you want a number calculated, just ask.

I think the number most surprising to me was the percentage of foreign-raised South Asians who marry interracially. It’s 6.3% for men and 6.0% for women. Really, I wouldn’t have expected it to be that high – and this data is from 2000, so it’s a bit outdated. I think Aditya was also surprised by what he saw as relatively high percentages. Did anything strike you guys as unexpected?

Exchanging Garlands

When I left off on the story of my Arya Samaj wedding to Aditya (see part four here), we had just exchanged garlands at the start of our wedding ceremony. Heavy, massive garlands that took my original concept of flower necklaces – Hawaiin leis – and kicked it up a notch or ten.
Exchanging garlands is a key component of any Hindu marriage – it signifies the couple’s acceptance of each other as spouses. In a lovely scene of one of my favorite Bollywood films, Parineeta, a character says that if a day if particularly auspicious then just the exchange of garlands makes a man & woman into husband & wife.

Of course, at the time Aditya and I exchanged garlands, we’d already been husband and wife for a year. Looking back, I’m actually quite glad that we held our Hindu marriage ceremony a year after our civil ceremony in the States. The earlier civil ceremony was necessitated by law and circumstances – if a U.S. citizen marries a non-citizen outside of the U.S., the non-citizen isn’t allowed back in the States until their immigration status is changed, which can take anywhere from three months to a year. So we had to be legally married in the U.S. and wait for the visa paper rigmarole to finish before we could head to India for another ceremony. That first wedding ceremony – as well as the year of marriage – took a bit of pressure off of our ceremony in India. If I messed up some, well, what was Aditya going to do? Go back in time and erase the year we’d already been married? Divorce me and lose his green card and cushy American life? Heaven forbid! *grin* He and his family were stuck with me.

Now, with a lead-up like that, as you might have guessed, errors, well, were made. Not that it was my fault, of course, that I almost lost balance and toppled over right onto the fire pit during the garland exchange. Aditya had to reach out a hand – with a smirk included, free of charge – to steady me. Of course, the mishap mainly occurred ’cause Aditya didn’t bend his proud neck enough for short little ol’ me to lift the heavy garland over his head. And maybe a little bit because I’m a klutz. Just a little. And, um, I didn’t want to muss my sari. (Did I mention it was a very heavy garland? Anyone would have trouble lifting it. Anyone!) I don’t think anyone – besides Aditya, of course – noticed my near-tumble, so I suppose I’m letting the cat out of the bag a little bit here…
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Moving on, after the exchanging garlands Aditya and I both sat down on the mandap. This is harder than it looks when you’re wearing a big garland, a thick silk sari, and a long veil. And, um, are a klutz.

The Madhuparka Puja

After sitting down, our priest continued to chant various bits of Hindu scripture and hymns in Sanskrit, accompanied by the musicians. Everything was always translated into English for me first, although I still had to repeat my parts in Sanskrit. The first thing I spoke related to the Madhuparka ritual, where I mixed honey, ghee, and curd together in the jar pictured on right, then fed it to the groom. The concoction looked… less than appetizing, and I did not have high hopes on its taste, given the ingredient list. Aditya was all smiles while eating it, though that might have just been because I had butchered the Sanskrit phrases better than Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd could’ve. Anyways, Aditya informs me the Madhuparka is actually quite tasty, and would likely go well with meat pies.

Kanya Daan

Next, Aditya and I drank some holy water from the Ganges River, cupping our hands to allow the priest to pour it in. Then it was time for my maternal uncle to officially “give” the bride away. Like in Western weddings, this is traditionally done by the bride’s father, but my dad wasn’t able to make the trip to India. Instead, my Uncle Mark stepped up to perform the kanya daan by placing my hand in Aditya’s. Note how the boyo slouches – poor posture ’til his dying day, I’m sure.

I suppose this would be an amazing place to pause, and go on a rant about how patriarchal reins are laid on women throughout the world and how I’m not some chattel to be given away willy-nilly, but, really? In the particular social strata and culture I’m lucky enough to live in those sort of complaints are as needed as the well-intentioned-but-nonetheless-patronizing G-20′s Wives Club or those “top 100 women entrepreneurs” or “top 20 women bloggers” lists. Which is to say it’s not at all needed.
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Moving on from that, well, rant, there was a series of prayers which required us to get back to our feet. Really, I think the priest had just noticed how clumsy I am, and was hoping to see me topple. He seemed like the type who would appreciate that sort of joke.

While we stood, the younger preist began to get the fire started. Now, the fire is perhaps the Best Thing Ever about Hindu weddings. Sure, other faiths have that unity candle thing going on,  but who else has a proper blazing fire that you get to toss stuff into?

Yes, yes, I am a pyromaniac.

I suppose I should put in a disclaimer that, while my tone may indicate otherwise, I took Aditya’s and mine wedding ceremony quite seriously, and I fully respect the various Hindu pujas we performed. The Vedic tradition of using Agni, the sacred fire at the center of many rituals is one of the most moving things I find about the faith – I truly love the symbolism and simplicity inherent in it. However, I also firmly believe that seriousness, respect, and laughter can all coexist.

So it was in all seriousness, but with quite a few smiles, that we got the fire going *hem hem* for the next part of our wedding.

The priest helped some, of course.

And, with that,  I’ll leave the real pyro stuff for the next post. (See! See how Adiya slouches! It’s borderline scandalous! )

As always, you can check out my flickr site for more wedding pictures.

Most of the blame for this “situation”, so to speak, could simply be laid at the feet of circumstance or chance – we happen to live in a very multicultural area, participate in activities that naturally bring a diverse crowd, and my choice of careers was more due to, you know, the job I would be doing than the diversity of people at my office. But I don’t think it’s as simple as chance – the choices Aditya and I have made both individually and as a couple, as well as our prior experiences, have made an outcome like this probable.

So.  This past week I’ve been thinking more about cross-cultural connections outside of my intercultural marriage with Aditya. How do these two spheres of life – home & husband and outside work & community – interact with each other? There’s no doubt that my relationship with Aditya has given me a fair bit of traction with the South Asians I run into – but how has it affected my relationships with people from other cultures? And how has working with an office full of immigrants and different cultures changed my marriage?

Obviously, the answers to these questions will be complex – which is why I’ll be discussing my thoughts on this subject in a series of posts. But the keystone to my ideas lies in the lovely concept of intercultural communicative competence. This term was developed as part of an effort by theorists of foreign language instruction a decade ago, and has slowly been evolving in the intercultural studies academic community. The initial discussions of this topic related to how instructors could teach their language learners how to communicate in a foreign language with real, live foreign people – not just speak a bunch of funny-sounding words. Mostly it involved learning the specifics of the culture associated with the language – things like “Germans are überpunctual – if you’re on time, you’re actually late.” Since then, though, the idea has expanded to incorporate both the specific knowledge and the skill set that all people who interact cross-culturally – i.e. intercultural learners – need to have to be successful, whether they’re speaking a foreign tongue or not.

This skill set is what I believe translates back and forth between my relationship with Aditya and my cross-cultural relationships out in the community – and each one is strengthened by the other. Next I’ll start delving into the specifics of what constitutes competent intercultural learning, but before then I’d love to hear what everyone’s initial thoughts on this matter are. Do you have many cross-cultural connections out in your community or workplace? Do you think it’s affected your closer personal relationship with a friend or significant other from another culture? Anyone else feel like they work for the U.N.?

Of course, they are here for two months, so it’s not as if we won’t end up having plenty of family time together – but I do wish they didn’t have to spend so much time at our house by themselves. I worry about them getting bored; even Kajol, the energizer puppy, can only go for so many walks. I fret about all the interesting monuments and historic sites we aren’t seeing in the evenings for lack of energy and sunlight. And I’m genuinely distraught that, at some point, they might break The System while we’re away at the office.

The System, you see, is the underlying, um, order that controls the chaos of our lives. It’s the three piles of letters and bills ,discordantly stacked on the counter top, which cannot be mixed. It’s the pile of clothes on the closet floor that magically rotates, allowing for the least wrinkled and least pungent item to float to the top when needed. It’s the random junk strewn all over the living room by my inner Feng Shui master that lets me find the scissors, postage stamps, or a hair band right when I need it. Move one thing, and it’s quite possible that my entire life will be ruined. Or I won’t be able to find my favorite lip balm. Basically the same thing.

Aditya and I have developed The System through many years of practice, and Maa and Baba just can’t hope to learn the dance in only a couple of months. The System is breaking under the weight of four adults in the same space doing their own thing.

First, there were all the delicious Indian leftovers in the fridge – where did my aging vegetables go? Where’s the moldy cheese? Who hid the frozen meals behind all these rotis?
Then there were the piles of clean clothes appearing in our bedroom - I can’t find my sweater; it’s not on the floor or the ironing board, or draped over a chair, or wedged under a couch cushion… oh, the dresser!
Finally, we hit rock bottom when I walked in the door after work one day, and found the Kajol fur dust balls had disappeared, and the wood floors seemed distinctly… shiny.

I enquired about the radically changed appearance of my home, and Baba told me he had cleaned it. Having been raised to be polite, I thanked him profusely, and told him that there was no need to do so much housework during the day. Frankly, I was a little embarrassed at the state that Aditya and I had allowed the house to descend to – especially with guests visiting. Baba replied, saying, in effect, that “No, no, you should not thank me. I consider this my house too, and I have a responsibility to keep it clean.”

I’ll admit that this statement… pricked me a bit. “No,” I thought, “this is my house, and I’ll decide however clean it ought to be. And I can darn well thank you if I want to.” There may have even been a mental image of a tongue sticking out somewhere along the line. Before I could voice these fleeting thoughts, however, the slightly more rational and mature part of my brain asserted itself.

“Wait a second, Gori. You get home tired from work, walk in the door, and are upset that someone cleaned up the house for you? And, hey, did you notice that delicious smelling curry on the stove? You know, an Indian curry, cooked by someone from India, where the whole extended family home is a common thing? And where duties – particularly familial duties – are considered things you just do, not things you’re thanked for? Remember how you and Aditya always use to have arguments over his lack of please & thank you? Yeah… let’s connect those dots now.”

So, yes, some papers were moved out of their traditional place. And it took me two days to hunt down my favorite blue scissors, which Maa absconded with to use while knitting an all green outfit for a grandson on the way (no, not mine, and yes, I suspect he’ll look like a little, but awesome leprechaun). The System is shot, and that can be a little frustrating, even if there are new benefits to this short-term extended family lifestyle that I signed myself up for. But there are benefits – awesome ones in terms of household chores, and even better ones in terms of family time: mornings and nights spent playing cards, watching movies, and discussing Indian and American culture and news.

Could I handle this extend family thing in the long-term? I don’t know. I can be prickly when things don’t meet my expectations, especially at home. I need my alone time, with the door closed, as much as I need air – like any other true introvert. I miss knowing exactly what the statuses of the fridge and pantry are, day and night. Right now it’s working, though, and that’s all that really matters.

I ended up thanking Baba again for cleaning up the house, and told him how much I appreciated his efforts. I do the same thing with Maa when she cooks a lovely dinner for us, or gives me a hand with clearing the table, or even passes me something out of my reach. Growing up, I was taught to thank family members for efforts made, large or small, and to always make requests with a “please”. Maa and Baba are accepting of this strange American quirk of mine.

NeoKalypso, my wonderful guest contributer, tells of her experiences at a friend’s wedding.

After a wonderful summer full of jungle hikes, tasty SE Asia food, and plenty of other adventures with R, I was blessed to top it all off in the most perfect way with my friend CT’s wedding. Yep, that’s right, our very own CaliforniaTransplant and I are friends in real life. After sharing so many similar perspectives on intercultural relationships we decided we had to meet. Our friendship blossomed and I volunteered to help her in any way I could on the day of her Gujurati Indian wedding ceremony. She took me up on it, sent me about a two page “script” and I was ready to help!

From there…magic unfolded. The gods graced us with their presence…

Treading in the Temple

As I am forever paranoid about being late, I was the first one to arrive to the temple last Sunday. When no one was there, a small Indian man who took care of the temple told me to take a look in the main temple area. He told me to look at all the small details of the gods’ faces: Shiva, Krishna, Hanuman, and Ganesh all looked at me in serene, dignified ways. As I roamed around the temple I began to feel like I was back in India again…and it’s the same old stuff…time slips away, you feel as if something bigger than yourself is about to occur, and, a forever paradox of Indian, the calm came too. I knew it was going to be a special day.

When the guys came to set up chairs, I did so as well in my gagra. R bought me the gagra from Malaysia and I had it form fitted there, too. It was pink, blue and sparkly all over. This time I knew just how many bangles to wear, what to do with the scarf, how to do my hair, what shoes to wear, and how to hold myself. I felt like a regal princess (which is not a common feeling for me ) and the pattern, design, and feel of the gagra also made me feel apart of something old and special. This feeling was heightened when guests started trickling in and the Aunties commented on my appearance. They seemed very pleased and I commented back on their loveliness. I’ve never been big on what I wear, but wearing traditional Indian clothes really makes me feel like I’m a part of something bigger and better. It also makes me feel very connected to the other woman wearing their saris and gagras. I even started to critique other people (mostly the non-Indians) on how they were wearing their saris and if it was the proper way or not. Regardless of it was “right” or not, I loved that people were trying to be an even more intimate part of the Indian community, the ceremony, and the tremendous union CT and her husband M now share.

After setting up the chairs, I followed CT’s instructions on setting up the memorial, gift, and food tables. This is when I met The Uncles. M’s Uncles were amazing…they told me they set up these Indian ceremony’s four times a year and were running all around making sure everything would be very nice for CT and M. They took so much pride in doing this. We all kind of worked together, joked about who was going to owe who rupees for the set up, and really enjoyed our work for the ceremony. I accused L Uncle of eating all the pakoras–which earned some laughs. Helping out, running around, and commiserating with the Uncles never felt like a chore. The ceremony set up wasn’t about the “things” or making everything look exactly perfect. It wasn’t about stressing out, nerves, or being overly emotional. Though everyone was running around and busy, it felt very even, cool, and…fun! Later, it would dawn on me that the Uncles and I were just fulfilling the natural duty we owe one another as family and friends…a notion I have found most pure and effortlessly managed in Indian culture.

As CT floated around talking to people she was at ease, calm, beautiful, and full of grace. And that was even before the ceremony began.

CT introduced me to one of her older Gujurati Uncles who married an American woman in 1968. As he held my hands, I got a few tears in my eyes. CT told me his American bride even wore a sari. I felt bound to him in some way because, as many of you know, R and I have been navigating through our relationship very much conscious of his conservative, traditional Indian family. Not one of his 200 family members has married outside of his specific Telugu Indian culture—ok wait, one: to a Gujarat. Anyway, it was incredibly inspiring to meet someone of the same culture (in the larger Indian sense) who tread this path decades before us. Beyond this wonderful Uncle, there were several Indian/American unions at CT and M’s wedding. Of course I chatted it up with a few…and they all made it feel…so normal. It was relieving, inspiring, and just filled me with so much hope. I joked with R that we have to catch his Telugus up to M’s Gujarats!

Tracing Ancient Steps

The ceremony was exquisite. There were rose petals, walks around the fire, the string that symbolically bound CT and M together, advice given by married ladies, and of course, the handing off of CT to M. CT told me she felt so alive and in the present as the Gor Maharaj addressed her and M personally and candidly throughout the ceremony. The Uncles were very concerned about the non-Indians feeling comfortable and prompted me when I needed to explain something to them. Though the guests got up as they pleased, snacked on Indian food, and chatted throughout, the ceremony never felt chaotic or irreverent. Frankly, it felt just the opposite. The day was about easing into a ceremony Indians have perpetuated for thousands of years, absorbing the powerful rituals, being bound to a community, and understanding our duties as husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. And it was about…communing with the gods.

Learning the Path

When R and I were traveling this summer, around week four, and while laying in a dirty hostel bed, it dawned on us how lucky and blessed we had been to be able to share so much time together laughing, bonding, and knowing each other so much more deeply. It was during this realization, that for the first time, something clicked, and I knew an aspect of Hinduism intuitively. I said out loud, “We must please the gods now.” R looked at me curiously and smiled in one of his mysterious ways I don’t quite understand yet. He said, “Yes when good things happen to you, you must not boast or be prideful…you could alert the gods and upset them with your pride.” And I said, “We now have to be thankful, humble ourselves, and give back…” I then totally got it. I really knew what karma meant inside of me and it felt incredible. I decided our next trip should be to volunteer.

So if I can offer one, small piece of advice to CT and M it is this: because you had the most beautiful, deeply moving ceremony you must continue to please the gods. You must do good, be humble and thankful for this incredible blessing because it was a gift.

The good feeling of CT and M’s wedding day is still lingering inside of me. It was one of the best ceremonies that I have ever been able to play a small part in and witness. One of the most touching parts for me was when M’s dad came up to me after the ceremony, held my hands, looked at me in a calm, serious Indian way I have come to know, and said, “You are more than a sister to CT and to our family. You did such a good job helping us, thank you so much. Thank you so, so much.” More than feeling appreciated for my efforts, I felt connected and that I played my part in a drama much larger than my own, individual life. His expressed gratitude was simply the byproduct of doing what I was supposed to be doing, of the role I was supposed to play.

The whole day reminded me that, yes…we are here to be serious about living, to fulfill a purpose, a duty, and through our own human symbols, tap in to a love that is something much bigger, however intangible, than ourselves. As my American individualist notions are starting to shift inside me, I am learning, and more importantly, feeling, what it is like to surrender your needs for the bigger community…the bigger myths. And it feels wonderful. The food, clothing, music, rituals, symbols…and people…of the Indian tradition directly connect me to this notion. What a great tradition to be a part of. It is one I am honored to begin to really know and feel working in my life.

(I feel so guilty for neglecting the blog after getting a wonderful submission like this. Check back late tonight/early tomorrow morning for a post of my own. – Gori Girl)

When I last left off on the story of our wedding in India (see part three), I had just arrived, as the picture above shows.

The lovely lady trailing behind me is a friend of the family (and Aditya’s childhood math tutor), who’d been helping me with all the preparations – it was like she was an older aunt of mine for the day. There were flowers ALL OVER the place as I arrived – from where the car dropped me off to the second floor hall where the ceremony would be, I was surrounded by sheets of flowers, while walking under flower arches (spelling Aditya’s and my names in flowers) and over a red carpet, just like you see at movie premiers. Of course, the only person who took pictures of this wonder was my uncle, who, of course, has not yet gotten around to sending me his photos.

Guests

After I climbed the stairs I was presented with the hall itself, and everyone decked out to the nines:

This is one of Aditya’s cousins and his wife and daughter. Isn’t she adorable? This couple were always around helping out during the wedding planning, wedding ceremony, and reception. You’ll notice that most (but not all) of the men are in Western suits, not traditional Indian outfits, altho either are acceptable for formal wear. Women almost always wear saris. In fact, here’s a picture of my mom in one she borrowed:

When Maa offered that sari for me to take home after the wedding, I did a little happy dance inside. Man, that jewel-toned turquoise is gorgeous!

Although it wasn’t too late in the evening (maybe seven or eight?), some of the smaller kids were becoming a bit tired. Here’s Bappada in another turquoise outfit with his slightly sleepy son:

This kid (let’s call him R, for red) was an absolute hoot – so friendly & talkative – and he had a decent ability in English, although he didn’t always remember that I didn’t speak Hindi or Bengali. Later that night, while we were driving home, R started babbling out complete nonsense – things he’d overheard adults saying during the day. He was so tired! Just a random, running stream of English/Bengali/Hindi phrases, over and over again.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with Indian weddings, so I’ll be discussing some of the very basics. One thing that confuses most Westerners is how the ceremony isn’t absolutely the center of attention for all guests at all times. Everyone is serious about the wedding, but there typically isn’t a “formal” vibe during them. People get up, grab food, chat to each other in quiet voices, children ask questions and move around, and so forth. I guess the best way to describe it as a celebration of family with the bride and groom as the star attractions, rather than a celebration of the bride and groom, period. Personally, I liked the philosophy – less stress because there wasn’t a feeling of “it’s the big day and everything has to be perfectly perfect because everyone is here just to see you.” Instead, everyone is there to celebrate the newly expanded family.

Anyways, the less formal feeling leads scenes like this:

These two boys are cousins, but don’t get to see each other often. The boy in yellow, Y, is about six months older than R. Y took his “older cousin” position very seriously, and wanted to have R sit down on his lap, or at least on the couch next to him. R wasn’t having any of it. The tussle ended with R victorious:

Can you tell I absolutely adored these kids? Well, I love pretty much all kids – as long as I can return them at the end of the day. That’s the great thing about being an aunt – spoil them, then give them back to their parents. We’ve got five little munchkins (one EXTREMELY small – he was born just a few days ago) running around in the immediate family on both sides, and one more expected in the fall.

Aditya

There are more pictures of the guests up at my flickr page, but I suppose you’ll are wondering what happened to the bride and groom? Well, Aditya had arrived at the hall first, and was chilling with his cousin:

The maroon color of his outfit (and mine too!) is Maa’s favorite color, apparently, and since she picked the outfits… Traditionally, I think the groom wears white. That factoid has always struck me as a bit odd, given that white is the color of mourning in Hinduism. Of course, Western grooms wear black suits or tuxes, which is the West’s mourning color – so perhaps this is just a cross-cultural, um, acknowledgment of men’s view of matrimony? Anyways, Aditya was grinning too much for me to suspect he was getting cold feet.

Some of you who are more familiar with Indian weddings might be wondering why Aditya hadn’t shown up on the traditional horse or elephant, or why I wasn’t carried in by my brothers or whatever. Well, Aditya and I aren’t big on massive events, and neither one of us were interested in the days-long series of ceremonies you see in a traditional Bengali wedding. Instead, we wanted something short and sweet, while still celebrating Adiya’s culture and religion.

We opted for an Arya Samaj wedding, which is sort of back-to-the-Vedic-basics wedding. The Arya Samaj reformation movement wedding ceremony incorporates the fundamentals of Hindu beliefs, but in a pan-India manner – no regional or ethnic quirks. The ceremony is much shorter than a traditional Hindu wedding, and has no wildly elaborate (again, compared to the Hindu norm) rituals. Furthermore, the priests believe very strongly that the participants should understand exactly what they’re doing, and why. Most Hindu religious events are conducted in the ancient language of Sanskrit, which very few Indians actually understand (it’s as dead as Latin). Aditya has studied Sanskrit for eight years, but Maa and Baba searched out an Arya Samaj priest who was fluent in English for me. During the wedding, Aditya and I recited our vows in Sanskrit, but the priest first translated everything for me (and most of the guests).

After my arrival

Rather than making a big arrival (dum dum dee dum), and starting the ceremony off with a bang, we eased into things a bit by first greeting guests, which is typical for Bengali weddings. Aditya and I sat on our awesome thrones while guests came up to say hello. I also managed to catch a few minutes to tell Aditya that he cleans up well:

I look a little taller than Aditya here, but that’s because my throne was set a few inches higher, and he slouches.

Aditya’s sister, who was 8.5 months pregnant at the time, wasn’t able to travel to Calcutta for the wedding. Instead she called to wish us both well. I love the juxtaposition of a cell phone with traditional Indian attire in this photo:

Can I take a moment to sigh over the sari, jewelry, and accessories that made up my bridal outfit (I actually just ran upstairs to look at it again!)? The sari was so, so gorgeous – a deep red silk, with dark maroon detailing, and gold thread embroidery. It’s also a color that doesn’t scream bridal sari so I’ll be wearing it again next chance I get. The jewelry was given to me by Maa, and was equally fabulous. And by fabulous, I mean “this looks like something out of a movie or museum” amazing. I also haven’t had much chance to wear it again (clearly, Aditya and I need to go to more formal events where you can wear rubies and diamonds and stuff) – but I get it out every now and then just to look at. Maybe with the new job I’ll be able to wear a piece or two to work – they’re a little less overpowering when not worn as a whole. And then there’s the golden veil that CaliforniaTransplant envied (hope your wedding planning is going well!) – while I found it a little too, um, shiny when I first saw it, the veil ended up fitting into the whole outfit very well. It was pinned into my hair along with those three roses and the tikka (thing on forehead) that matched the sari perfectly. Ah… playing princess for an evening was so much more fun than I expected it to be. Aditya was looking like the proper prince, too, but boy clothes aren’t as much fun to discuss. Less bling, donchaknow?

Let’s get this party rolling

While Aditya and I were greeting guests – and in my case, quietly freaking the heck out from the otherworldly-ness of it all – the priests were finishing up setting things up at the mandap. The wedding ceremony takes place at the mandap which is an area, often a raised platform, with four pillars and a canopy. Ours had four pillars of flowers curving in to meet together in the middle. From left to right, here’s Bhabhi (sister-in-law), Dada (brother) and two family friends in front of it, pre-wedding:

I really like this picture, especially, the lighting! Behind them, the younger priest was in charge of the fire pit:

The young man was a full Arya Samaji priest, but still in training. Their outfits were pretty neat – just as colorful as the rest of Hindu weddings. He took care of the fire during the ceremony, and passed out the tools and other things when needed. I like how he arranged flower petals around the fire pit, which was placed right in the center of the mandap.

“Officially” an Arya Samaji priest can only marry two Hindus, since the movement believes that Hinduism – as embodied in the Vedas – is the way to go. Our priest was a bit more relaxed, though, and didn’t require any formal conversion from me, although I do consider myself a Hindu at this point (more on this in another blog post!). I do admire the Arya Samaji movement quite a bit – among other things, they take a firm stance against child marriage, the caste system, and untouchability. I don’t think that most Westerners realize that these things were developed culturally in India, and don’t have an actual basis in the fundamental Hindu texts.

Anyways, back to the wedding. We also had a set of religious musicians for the ceremony. They accompanied the head priest as he chanted the different Sanskrit mantras, which transformed the chanting into almost a song. It was pretty awesome. There was a drummer, a wind instrumentalist, and a musician on a keyboard:

Once everything was ready, and the guests were greeted, Aditya and I walked over to the mandap, taking off our shoes before we stepped onto it. It was time to get going!

Exchanging garlands

This was the first ceremony we did, and marked the start of the whole official wedding ceremony business. The garlands were absolutely beautiful, but I didn’t realize how heavy they were until the head priest handed me one:

The flowers were carnations and roses, I think, and strung on a thick, strong cloth cord. Little did I know that the flowers would seem to get heavier and heavier – and the cord sharper and more razor-like against my neck- as the wedding ceremony continued. Still, it was totally worth it.

You can see how the light’s changing in these next few shots, as we exchange garlands.

I was so nervous! And happy! Ah, weddings… I’ve got a big grin on just remembering this. First I gave him a garland, stretching a bit to get it over his head… then it was Aditya’s turn, with me ducking to facilitate the effort while keeping my hair & veil straight.

And that’s how we started our wedding ceremony. I think I’ll leave off here, for now. Be sure to check out my flickr page for more photos of the wedding.

I’ve already interviewed about 30 couples and am looking to speak to some 20-30 more. I’m especially interested in couples that planned a bilingual wedding, and those that encountered cultural problems during the planning process. However, I’d be interested in hearing from anyone who is married to (or planning to marry) someone from a different cultural background.

I myself am an intercultural bride – I’m African-American, my husband is German. I got the idea for the book when planning my own wedding and realized that no wedding book on the market addressed many of the issues that I had to face (such as what country to have my wedding in!) If you’re interested in participating, please contact me at weddingswithoutborders@gmail.com. Thanks!

The survey she sent me was plenty long (I’m still working on it!), but it looks like she’s doing a great job gathering every bit of information other couples might be interested in. So if you’d like to share your story, send her an email.

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Oh, and as a quick note, if you’re interested in being on my blog roll, and are an active community participant here (commenting and the like), just shoot me a quick email (gorigirl.admin@gmail.com) and I’ll add you – I’m really bad about keeping up with that, and I know there’s some of you who deserve to be up there.