Gori Girl

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part Two)

Monday, July 13, 2009

This is the second part of the interview I held with my husband Aditya's parents (you can find Part One here). This part starts off with an interlude on Maa and Baba's first meeting for their "semi-arranged" marriage, then continues on the topic of their first impressions of me. I finally got them to discuss some negatives: what they find difficult in having a non-Indian daughter-in-law and my (apparently) one fault. We also discussed some of the things they dislike about general American culture (as it relates to interpersonal relationships), and ended with some advice Maa and Baba have for intercultural couples, both generally and for those having some difficulty with Indian in-laws.

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part One)

Friday, July 10, 2009

58 Comments

I sat down with Aditya's parents, Maa and Baba, a few nights ago with a list of eight questions to find out their views on American culture and intercultural relationships... and we ended up talking for over an hour, thus necessitating a Part One and a Part Two. Today's portion focuses on the early days: their worries on sending their youngest son, Aditya, to a foreign country, thoughts on American culture, dating, and their first interactions with me.

From Atheist to Hindu? Religion and My Intercultural Marriage

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

67 Comments

Me? Oh, well, I don't have a faith. And, no, I'm not interested in getting one either. That was my polite non-answer when asked about my religious beliefs by two Christians who stopped by Aditya's and my doorstop to proselytize last weekend. And it was as true, as far as it goes - I'm not one much for simple faith in any context. When discussing my religious beliefs with friends & family, I'm most likely to to describe myself simply as an atheist. But when I'm feeling a little mischievous - or argumentative - I'll sometimes put in that I'm an atheist - and a Hindu. Yeah, it's a bit of a complicated situation; I blame Aditya for it completely. Like many other things in my life, religion is something that has become more complicated since we set off on our intercultural marriage adventure.

Don’t Get Your Undies in a Bunch: Worrying About Intercultural Quirks

Friday, June 5, 2009

34 Comments

Okay, I'm a huge supporter of researching your significant other's culture and understanding cultural differences, but let's just put this one out there: worrying about intercultural quirks can be taken too far. There's reasonable concern, and then there's fretting over - or being shocked by - cultural differences that, in the end, don't really matter. Basically, Internet, I'm saying you shouldn't get your tighty-whities in a wad over the smaller cultural differences or customs you discover in your intercultural relationships. (And no, it's not all small stuff - but there's more small stuff than the amount of complaining would suggest.)

Interracial Marriage in the US: Some Simple South Asian Demographics

Monday, May 11, 2009

66 Comments

Want to settle the debate on how much interracial marriage there is in the US? I know I'm tired of hearing the occasional uninformed comment on how South Asians just don't marry people outside their ethnicity, and isn't it downright odd that my supposedly proud-of-his-Indian-heritage husband would do so? (Hmm, well, he is an odd, odd dude. But not because he's married to me. Or, I mean, not 'cause he's married to a white woman - I'll admit you might have to be odd to voluntarily marry me. We brought matching crazy to the marriage table as dowry.) Well, the statistics on interracial marriages in America are now here, courtesy the US Census, so we can put this baby to rest. Actually, the statistics have always been "here" since the 2000 Census information was released, but I'm not such a numbers nerd that I felt like crunching the raw data myself with SAS or STATA. Luckily for me, a pair of sociologists have already done the dirty work, and their results have been made available at Dr. C.N. Le's Asian Nation website. I'm going to only present the South Asian related statistics here, but Dr. Le has the same sort of information available on all Asian ethnicities, and you can tease out information about other ethnicities as well.

ESL Tutoring – or How We Met

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

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I've never heard the story behind this photograph, although I know it was taken Aditya's first year of college, and I'm willing to guess that the crossdressing costume was somehow part of the International Student Association's annual Bazaar. Oh, how his past comes back to haunt him*** Aditya's a year older than me, so depending on when this picture was taken I was either finishing up my last semester of high school (I graduated a semester early) or already working in Germany as an Au-Pair. Before leaving for Germany I went through the college application rigmarole, and ended up choosing the same small midwestern liberal arts college that Aditya was crossdressing studying at. Yes, you guessed it - we met in college. Well, sort of.

Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship Is Suddenly an Issue

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

86 Comments

A new reader to the blog, jbf, recently posted her personal story as a detailed comment in the post Initial Family Resistance to your Intercultural Relationship. Jbf's problem, however, is a bit different from the one highlighted in that post, so, with her permission, I'm hoisting her comment up into a post of its own, along with the comments from others that followed her original one. I'm sure she'd appreciate any further advice or suggestions you guys have. My own advice will be coming in the comments in a couple of hours. Of course, I'm not sure if I can do any better than what's been said so far - I'm very impressed with the level of thoughtful dialogue occuring here! Jbf's story & problems: I’m not sure if it is too late to comment on this, but I just came across it while searching for comfort in my situation. My friends and family have given me their support, but in matters of intolerance I do not know if they can offer anything more. I (a 25 yo white American girl) have been dating an Indian guy (born in America to Punjabi parents who moved here 2 years prior) for two years. I will call him B. We both hold graduate degrees and have careers. We met while in graduate school through mutual friends. We lived in different cities but found out that our parents lived only 15 minutes from each other. We quickly became close and decided to start a relationship despite the distance. I met his family very early on. They were receptive and welcomed me into their home. I even spent the night on multiple occasions. When he would come visit me he would bring small gifts from his mother, candles, potpourri, etc. I spent Christmas with his immediate family the last two years (I have not met extended family beyond cousins as dating is not a part of Indian culture). He graduated and started a job about a year ago. Within a few months of this we decided that when I graduated in a year I would find a job where he was and that we would move in together with the intent of being engaged within a year. Although untraditional it was important to both of us to be together in the same place before making such a commitment.

Indian Wedding Story: Part Four

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

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This is Part Four of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you're new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One, where the story starts. When I last left off on the story of our wedding in India (see part three), I had just arrived, as the picture above shows. The lovely lady trailing behind me is a friend of the family (and Aditya's childhood math tutor), who'd been helping me with all the preparations - it was like she was an older aunt of mine for the day. There were flowers ALL OVER the place as I arrived - from where the car dropped me off to the second floor hall where the ceremony would be, I was surrounded by sheets of flowers, while walking under flower arches (spelling Aditya's and my names in flowers) and over a red carpet, just like you see at movie premiers. Of course, the only person who took pictures of this wonder was my uncle, who, of course, has not yet gotten around to sending me his photos.

Categories, Generalizations, and Stereotypes: Talking About Cultural Differences

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

14 Comments

We talk about cultural differences a lot on this blog: "Indian parents tend to worry about X, Y, and Z when their children are getting married." "My husband grew up in a culture where it wasn't okay to do A, B, or C." "Lego people of South Pacific descent enjoy conga lines and grass miniskirts." This is a pretty sensitive topic. In talking about cultural differences, I'm careful to not make too strict generalizations - I'll hedge what I say by emphasizing I'm talking about my own, personal experiences, or suggest that a group seems to act in a certain way, or that some (but not all!) people from a particular culture do a particular thing. But it's impossible to avoid making any generalizations at all about cultures or to keep from categorizing people - and silly to even try.

Interracial Hate Crime in Elkhart, Indiana

Sunday, May 11, 2008

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I've finished up with dreadful exams just in time to hear about a dreadful incident in northwest Indiana. According to the AP report: An interracial couple who awoke to find a burning cross in their front yard in Elkhart are praying for peace and asking for privacy. Maggie Williams says the cross burning took her and her husband, Adam, by surprise. The FBI is investigating the cross burning, which police are calling a hate crime. Elkhart police say the 5 1/2 by 3 1/2 foot wooden cross was left burning against a tree about 15 feet from the couple's front door about 2:30 a.m. May 2. The Williamses have met with Mayor Dick Moore and representatives from the police department, the FBI and the NAACP. Bradley Vite, a family friend, says they also expect to meet with a Department of Justice official.

Guess Who’s Coming to Diwali?

Sunday, April 27, 2008

3 Comments

Slate's Dear Prudence column has dipped its toe into the intercultural relationship waters with a advice on how to deal with Indian parents refusing to meet their boy's girlfriend. The situation is one that a number of readers here have seen - or are currently in - so I thought I'd link to this timely advice. Personally, I think that Prudie's advice on what to do is pretty spot on: insist on having the parents meet the girl at the next chance. However, I don't think Prudie understands all of the intricacies involved in an intercultural relationship - especially one where the parent-child relationship of one partner's culture is so different from the other's. Septia Mutiny has a brief post on the same article - and while the post itself isn't much to write home about, the comments section has a lot of interesting stories and discussions on it. Check it out when you have the time.

Indian Wedding Story: Part Three

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

19 Comments

This is Part Three of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you're new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One and Part Two. Lunchtime! Tomorrow the real wedding pictures start, but today was super hectic, so you'll be getting the pictures from the lunch before the big night, and the story of bridal preparation and nerves. After our pre-lunch siesta, everyone returned to the community center where the wedding ceremony would be held for lunch. All I can say is yum - the caterers were very, very good!

He’s soooo Indian!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

26 Comments

In this guest post, NeoKalypso of Doings & Undoings writes about her understanding of "Indian-ness." "You are too prejudiced. You do not let your eyes see nor your ears hear, and that which is outside your daily life is not of account to you. Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are? That some people see things that others cannot? ... There are always mysteries in life." - Abraham Van Helsing, metaphysician and scientist from Bram Stoker’s Dracula I knew my Indian boyfriend was pretty down with his culture, but after meeting his brother-in-law I just looked at R amusedly and said, “Wow. He’s sooo Indian.” R knew exactly what I meant, smiled and said, “Oh, he totally is. You should see him in India. He’s absolutely in his element.” Later I will unpack this exchange for Gori Girl readers. But first, some background. I’m a white American woman and my R is from a very traditional, South Indian (Telugu) family. Of the Indian families I have had the pleasure of knowing, I feel at liberty to say R’s is the “most hardcore” (i.e. traditional) I’ve known. :) For example, out of his 200 family members, only one ventured outside of Telugu culture to marry…a Gujarati. :) R’s little niece and nephew speak Telugu. His mom, pop, sister, brother-in-law, and their kids have often lived in the same house, sharing family responsibilities (which is very common for more traditional families). It has worked well for them.

Who is Affected by your Intercultural Relationship?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

35 Comments

Many people subscribe to the idea that your personal life is nobody's business but your own - as long as you aren't maiming others, anyways. While I generally agree with the sentiment this idea expresses, I also think it's important to realize that, like it or not, your actions affect a wide swath of people. In fact, at the margin, your actions affect the entire world. Let's all pause for a moment to ponder that grandiose thought while breaking out into The Circle of Life. Everyone back? Good. I brought up this topic because being in an intercultural relationships has a tendency to disrupt the "social equilibrium," if you will, of the people around you. In almost every country and region an intercultural relationship is the exception, not the norm. So while being in any relationship might affect those close to you - my dad still hasn't gotten over the fact that I'm no longer his little girl - intercultural relationships are both a regular ol' relationship and something of a challenge to the status quo. As if romantic relationships weren't tough enough on their own! In this post I'm focusing on how intercultural relationships, in particular, affect those around us. I'll start out by laying out a (non-comprehensive) list of the type of people who can be affected by your intercultural marriage or relationship, continue with how these effects ripple out through the social web of life, and then finish up with how much you should really care about it all. This post developed as I thought about how parents can react to their children's intercultural relationships - I'll be applying the principles and theory I develop here to that post, which will be the next "serious" one.

Indian Wedding Story: Part One

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

13 Comments

I've mentioned previously that Aditya and I recently had our Hindu wedding ceremony in India, and I've been meaning to write a post or two (or a hundred) about my experiences in India. And then a reader mentioned that she liked the pictures of the wedding that are sprinkled around the GoriGirl site, and would be interested in seeing more of them. So I thought I'd combine these two ideas and post a couple of pictures each day, working through the story chronologically. We'll start off with our arrival in Calcutta (also known as Kolkata - but I'll go with my inlaw's usage), where the wedding took place.

Meeting the Desi Parents

Monday, April 14, 2008

44 Comments

Few things fill me with as much dread as meeting my partner's parents. First off, I'm socially awkward by nature - at least when meeting new people. I never know how to make small talk, or when good eye contact crosses the line into weird staring, or if my posture and facial expressions are saying "possibly mentally deranged" rather than "cool and confident ". Then there’s the fact that I’m meeting the parents. While I’m not exactly a “people pleaser”, I do think it’s important to have a good rapport with the parents of your significant other, at least if he or she is close to them (and Aditya is). If the relationship continues then they're going to be a part of your life forever, and well, family matters, you know? And first impressions matter too. Finally, with Aditya’s parents I had the whole “different culture” thing to worry about too. All of the social rules and interpersonal cues – which I only have a passing knowledge of, anyways – go swishing out the window when you’re faced with a new culture. Not only could I completely mess up, I could completely mess up and not even know what I did wrong. Despite this, my initial meetings with Aditya’s parents – first Maa, then Baba – ended up going quite well. While this may be more due to their innate awesomeness than any actions of mine, I hope my story can help out some of you who are struggling with the same sort of worries I had had. Next post I’ll be focusing on some of the more “theoretical” aspects of meeting the parents, which will greatly extend some of the points I bring up here, so be sure to tune in for that too.

10 Reasons You Should Learn Your Partner’s Native Language

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

28 Comments

A reader in the comments asked for me to discuss how I've dealt with language issues in my intercultural marriage. From my side of things there haven't been many issues, since Aditya speaks English very well. This has allowed me to be really lax (read: lazy) about learning his native language, Bengali, which I absolutely think I ought to do. While developing the post on our language issues, such as they are, I started to think about all the great reasons I should get off my butt and start studying Bengali. The personal post will be up tomorrow, but for now here are ten reasons in no particular order, along with a bit of explanation.

ICR Review: Love’s revolution

Monday, March 24, 2008

1 Comment

Every so often you'll be seeing an in-depth review from Gori Girl about an intercultural relationship resource that might be useful to you. Shorter reviews can be found on the comprehensive list of resources on the page "Intercultural Relationship Resources."

Tag Archive | "intercultural relationship"

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part Two)

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part One)

From Atheist to Hindu? Religion and My Intercultural Marriage

Don’t Get Your Undies in a Bunch: Worrying About Intercultural Quirks

Interracial Marriage in the US: Some Simple South Asian Demographics

ESL Tutoring – or How We Met

Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship Is Suddenly an Issue

Indian Wedding Story: Part Four

Categories, Generalizations, and Stereotypes: Talking About Cultural Differences

Interracial Hate Crime in Elkhart, Indiana

Guess Who’s Coming to Diwali?

Indian Wedding Story: Part Three

He’s soooo Indian!

Who is Affected by your Intercultural Relationship?

Indian Wedding Story: Part One

Meeting the Desi Parents

10 Reasons You Should Learn Your Partner’s Native Language

ICR Review: Love’s revolution

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