Having grown up in a relatively conservative family in India, I can understand the friction that can occur often between “the younger generation” and “traditional family”… and I especially sympathize with nice people like some of the readers here – or their partners – who suffer from the drudgery that often characterizes communications between these two groups.

However, for the most part I think the blame for the difficult relations between Indian parents and their adult children lies squarely on the “younger generation” -of which I am a part. I think that most issues root from a tendency amongst Indian men and women (but I’m speaking to the guys mainly, since I am one) to refuse to engage their parents in a responsible and adult manner.

I’ve been reading over Gori’s shoulder as she delves back into the intercultural blogosphere, and some of the posts out there – such as The ties that bind by Elizabeth or the responding comment by Jessica, author of the blog Coffee and Tea, and, frankly, I cannot fathom how Elizabeth or Jessica’s partners can, with a clear conscience, claim that an arranged marriage situation is somehow out of their control.

A few caveats

Before I get into this topic too deeply, I first want to state some of my beliefs that relate to this matter:

1. I think family should be important to every person – and this includes not only your own birth family, but also your partner (married or not), any kids you might have, and your in-law family.
2. I don’t have anything against arranged marriages, per say… I’ve seen a lot of them, and I’ve seen many work, and I’ve seen many not work… I think in the cultural context of India, they often make sense. Many arranged marriages today are not that different from what you see happening on match.com and the like. If I hadn’t met Gori – or another woman that I wished to marry – on my own, I would have explored an arranged marriage eventually.
3. I don’t think that there’s anything particularly “Indian” about allowing yourself to be put into an arranged marriage while you are committed to someone else – that is, being Indian doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities towards the love of your life.
4. I don’t think there’s anything particularly “Western” about what I’m about to say. I would’ve said the same when I was 13 – having never stepped outside India, and having been exposed to only a very small amount of western tv/movies.

Responsibility

This is something my father told when I was very young: “Before Sachin (my childhood idol) goes in to bat, dozens of commentators, coaches, players give him advice on how he should bat… but once he’s in the middle (of the pitch), it’s all up to him. It’s between him and everything that comes at him – it’s up to him to make his decisions, act accordingly, and live with the consequences – good or bad.”

It’s a very simple idea – no matter who gives you what advice, ultimately, it’s your life and you have to make your own decisions – and live by them. It’s about taking responsibility for your life.

Managing Expectations

I firmly believe that the root of most domestic arguments is a mismatch of expectations amongst people… for example, I might expect GG to come home and cook, she might expect me to do the same – and if we don’t communicate our expectations, we’d be end up home hungry – and grumpy.  In intercultural relationships, this is issue becomes more critical, since, because of the varied backgrounds of the people involved, the cultural expectations can become quite disparate. Thus, one of the key things to be done is to ensure that expectations of all parties are communicated and managed.

Long before GG & I talked about getting married, my mother & I spoke about what she expected in a daughter-in-Iaw, and I was clear about which of her expectations were unlikely to be met (a nice Bengali girl that Maa picked out for me, for example… not so likely). This “manging of expectations” shouldn’t be acrimonious or anything – for me, it was just a simple chat over tea and biscuits about growing up, and thinking about the future. But when I later met and started to seriously date GG, Maa wasn’t nearly as surprised as she might have been without this chat – it was already on her radar that things in this arena might not shake out the way she had intially expected them.

Finally, a few tips:

1. If you interact with your parents like you’re 12, that’s how they’ll treat you. Act like an adult, manage expectations, and communicate clearly & truthfully.
2. I am sorry, but nobody can force you to marry anyone. Unless your parents are holding an Uzi to your head, you don’t need to marry anyone. Emotional blackmail is rubbish – If your mother threatens to commit suicide, let her say that – she’s bluffing. Think forward 10-15 years… when your five-year-old throws a tantrum about the latest shiny toy, buying him the toy is the last thing you want to do – you’re rewarding bad behavior. Standing up to your parents when they behave poorly is just practice for that future five-year-old.
3. In all seriousness, if you truly believe that your mother/father will kill themselves because you decided to marry someone you loved… either you or your parents belong in a mental ward. Life isn’t a 70′s Hindi film where the heroine’s father is in cahoots with the mafia, the government and the police just to keep you two apart.
4. Ask yourself why you are “hiding” your relationship, if you’ve avoided telling your family about your significant other for a long (year +) time. If you are committed to this person, this is probably the dumbest thing to do – because it hurts everyone in the end.
5. If going to India will bring about events “out of your control” – i.e. your parents will try to arrange a marriage for you then and there – then don’t go. Make it clear to all involved parties why you are not going.
6. If your parents sign you up to an arranged marriage website (when you’ve told them you’re not interested), remember that ninjas won’t jump out of the bushes to kill you if you ignore the site altogether and refuse to engage in this sort of non-sense.
7. This is the most important: remember that in this fiery triangle of you, your partner, and your family, you know all the parties the best, and you are the main reason this situation exists. So, suck it up and take responsibility. It’s your job to manage expectations on both sides. You should never allow the situation to escalate to death or suicide threats and prospective brides back in India if you’re already involved with someone else.

It’s too easy to blame other people for your misery. Instead you should take action so that you can minimize the misery for all parties if you’re pro-active in managing expectations, intercultural relationships (really, all relationships) are much easier to mange.

As most of the regular readers know, I’m relatively new to my intercultural relationship with my South Indian guy, R. Though we’ve known each other for longer, in August we will be celebrating an official year together.

Recently I had a very close family member pass away. It was an intense, emotional time and R was there for me every step of the way. He was with me through intimate family gatherings, saw where I grew up, and witnessed my grief over one of the greatest influences of my life. During all of this, my mind was often elsewhere, I was moody, and I was just all around uncharacteristically, but rightfully, sad. No one has even been a supportive part of my life like this before—usually I just buck up and find myself dealing with hard stuff alone. But R was there throughout everything: kind, listening, and not to mention absolutely loved by my family. He was my rock the whole time.

Now that the hardest parts of that time are past, I realize I feel closer to R than ever. Previously I thought R’s and my love had capped off—that it couldn’t get any better. But after making it through such an ordeal I feel even more connected to R in a deeper, uncharted way for me. I don’t really use religious lingo that much, but I can say that having him in my life has been a true blessing and gift.

When I think about these crucial times in life, when pain is pain, hurt is hurt, and sadness is sadness, I realize love truly knows no boundaries and its what binds you. R’s parents both wanted me to know that they were sorry for my loss. When it boils down to it, almost every human can understand the language of loss and love. Unfortunately, the message can often get lost in translation.

Knowing that R’s parents got the message and responded meant a great deal to me. It meant more than their reservations and cautionary feelings about me. If they can acknowledge and understand my hurt in this situation, they will be able to in others as well. The story between R and I is a pretty clear one: we automatically get so many things about each other and just keep growing in partnership. The story between R’s parents and I may take some more time to unfold. Though it’s a work in progress, the story has begun and living it page by page has proved to be far more meaningful than speculating or bemoaning it.

“You are too prejudiced. You do not let your eyes see nor your ears hear, and that which is outside your daily life is not of account to you. Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are? That some people see things that others cannot? … There are always mysteries in life.” – Abraham Van Helsing, metaphysician and scientist from Bram Stoker’s Dracula

I knew my Indian boyfriend was pretty down with his culture, but after meeting his brother-in-law I just looked at R amusedly and said, “Wow. He’s sooo Indian.” R knew exactly what I meant, smiled and said, “Oh, he totally is. You should see him in India. He’s absolutely in his element.”

Later I will unpack this exchange for Gori Girl readers. But first, some background. I’m a white American woman and my R is from a very traditional, South Indian (Telugu) family. Of the Indian families I have had the pleasure of knowing, I feel at liberty to say R’s is the “most hardcore” (i.e. traditional) I’ve known. For example, out of his 200 family members, only one ventured outside of Telugu culture to marry…a Gujarati. R’s little niece and nephew speak Telugu. His mom, pop, sister, brother-in-law, and their kids have often lived in the same house, sharing family responsibilities (which is very common for more traditional families). It has worked well for them.

After spending his first year of life in India, R would travel back almost every year for weeks, sometimes months, as a kid. As an adult he makes it to India at least once every 2-3 years. He has vivid memories of falling violently ill with Hepatitis A as a kid, has witnessed what can be the stifling effects of “the Indian mob”, and struggles to reconcile with the fact that his family members back home do not have the same opportunities he has in America. On a lighter note, he’s suffered through more painful Telugu movies than he can count. He’s also shared a meal with 4,000 people on his sister’s wedding day and considers Indian celebrations to be some of the most festive and vibrant in the world. He’s taken his non-Indian friends to India and enthusiastically introduced them to a whole new world. In India, R gets to hang out and nibble on the best food on the planet (ok, my bias), all day long. And though it’s hard to describe, he slips into an overall slower, more contemplative and thoughtful pace when he’s there. Over the years he has experienced India at its worst and at its best.

Despite all this, R’s more traditional cousins still say he has always “been a little different”. R also really appreciates the United States for the education he has received, the foods from all over the world found here, American music from all nooks and crannies, and well… if I talk about his Marvel comic book fetish he might kill me. Despite all I have listed about his experiences with India and the United States, I’m not sure I have pinpointed what makes him Indian as well as American quite yet.

R’s brother-in-law

AB, R’s brother-in-law, got married the traditional, arranged way. He lives with R’s family, is Hindu, and has of one of the more “typical” Indian professions. Perhaps some of these things somehow affect his “Oh so Indianness” as I initially described. But then again… not exactly. I knew that he did the arranged marriage, did the joint-family stuff before I met him. It might sound funny, but it only occurred to me to state “He’s soooo Indian” after having a drink and conversation with him.

This will be hard to do… but I’m going to try to describe what I think a small part of being Indian is all about. AB has a really chill yet solid way about him. The way he sits, even crosses his legs, puts his hand on his chin, and sort of looks, listens and doesn’t get frazzled about anything at all reminds me so much of my friends in India. It feels very grounding and comforting to be around these sorts of people. AB is someone who seems to really have assumed his traditional (dharmic) role that his family expected of him. However, he doesn’t strike me as a man who has apathy for his choices or a lack of personal agency.

An American may ask, “How do you just marry someone you don’t know? How do you live under your in-laws roof and rules? How do you just sacrifice everything you may want for the wishes (of what seems to be) everyone else? Why don’t you grow a pair and do what you want for yourself?” To this, AB might just shrug, smile a bit wryly, and proceed to look right through the inquisitive American. To AB these questions are not a part of the traditional Indian worldview. They are not a part of his worldview.

Perhaps at some point AB did entertain more individualist notions? Sometimes I think Americans find comfort in this notion, but I get that vibe that he is truly content with his life. He is someone who strikes me as exceptionally kind, and exudes an unyielding understanding for those who don’t even see the way he does. With a serene, uncanny, yet humble confidence he sort of communicates: “it is what it is and I unequivocally accept life in this way.” I mean, how many Americans can say that?

Most of the traditional, conservative Americans I know tend to be pretty set in a certain type of script—much like AB, as he is more conservative and traditional in his respective culture. However, the distinct difference I have noted in someone like AB is his ability to listen, absorb alternatives, and accept difference without judgment. Even AB’s mother-in-law (R’s mom) who is an ultra conservative Indian has said she has no personal problem with American culture, it’s just that she has a really hard time understanding and wrapping her mind around it given where she has come from. In my experience, I have met very few (if any) highly conservative, traditional Americans who exhibit the same Indian-cool in expressing their views and living their values.

I should also note that AB has an absolutely gorgeous, understanding, regal (and yes, oh so Indian) wife, the most adorable, good-natured kids you’ve even met, and very supportive in-laws. Following the traditions laid out centuries before his time worked very well for him.

Back to R

R is a lot like AB in terms of Indianness… but not completely. I think what makes R a “little different,” as his cousins say, is that he has lived most of his life in the U.S. However, many NRIs (non-resident Indians) still choose to go the traditional route just like AB did. I think somehow, for most of R’s life, he has had a little American pilot light on. He was always curious: he wanted to try dating, perhaps imagined more of a nuclear style family, wanted to further explore his quirky, off-beat tastes, and for lack of a better term, was intrigued with parts of an American, “individualist” lifestyle. But R never really felt he had a true opportunity to do these things given what he was raised to believe, what he saw directly modeled around him, and perhaps given the dharmic ideas his parents thought (and he sometimes thought) he had to follow. Unlike AB, following all the Indian ways never really resulted in happiness or contentment for R.

R tried the traditional route with a few arranged engagements, but it didn’t work for him. He also tried doing things the “American” way as well. R dated “Western style” for a while, but no one he met really inspired him to pursue anything more serious. So, because he hadn’t found anyone special through dating, he saw no need to disrupt his incredibly important and dear family life with such information.

Me and R, R and me

As R and I grew in our relationship, and partly because of my patience and understanding of his Indianness, he felt confident I was someone he could take that huge leap, that huge risk with his parents for. As he grew to trust me more and more, he knew he had a safety net, a support system, and someone who would unconditionally love him if he further explored the uncharted, sometimes uncertain territories intrinsic to the dating/American relationship process. This was also a process his parents and family would have a hard time understanding. However, as R finally found someone worth pursuing, he decided to take that risk and let his parents know he was dating someone non-Indian and more importantly, someone who made him truly happy.

Another one of the main reasons R was willing to take a risk, a leap with me, is that he knew I got it.Before knowing him I had traveled India for a month, had many Indian friends, went crazy about the food, and had an overall, general fascination with Indian culture. However, these things are not why I get it – instead:

• I get it because I am genuinely open to difference, exploring it, and am not quick to judge.
• I get it because I am willing to be patient and understanding of his family’s process of accepting me.
• I get it because I realize my culture doesn’t hold all the answers and am curious about what others may have to teach me.

R knew he wouldn’t have to totally become an individualist, an American in all ways to be with me—he knew he could be both Indian and American. I think R’s choice to be with someone like me is yet another example of his Indianness.

Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, I want to make clear that R has not and will not abandon the ways in which he is “Oh so Indian” as we progress in our relationship. AB and R’s Indianness has sure turned my American thinking upside down… and it has been an amazing ride. I expect to learn more and keep incorporating this Indianness into our lives. A lot of what attracted me to R in the first place was his calm, his humility, unbelievable work ethic, and uncanny acceptance of life the way it is. I mean, perhaps I could have found all these things in a white guy—but I never did. I have, however, felt overwhelmed with this strange and wonderful vibe that many of my Indian friends seem to give off.

One of my great friends of a decade, J, was born in India and moved to the States when he was a toddler. Though he has a pretty traditional family, he chooses to embrace individualism and American life in all ways. He dates, is still close with his family, loves basketball, but to be frank, is basically just like a nice white dude at heart. You could put the guy in a dhoti, shove curry down his throat, and blare Hindi music around him and he’s still be that coconut down the street (brown on the outside, white on the inside). So obviously, Indianness isn’t all about that stuff. J chuckles when I light-heartedly call him a coconut and razz him for not being more “Indian.” He knows I’m right! He says I am more Indian than him! Though I love J as a friend, I’ve never had a spark for him beyond his handsome brown skin. I guess I just prefer that hard to pinpoint Indianness far too much—so sue me.

Truth is, I’m not sure if I could ever be with anyone who’s 100% “Soooo Indian” either. I don’t fully get it—the worldview, the mindset—and I doubt I ever truly can. I do have a deep appreciation for it though. At the same time, I have found myself a little bored when dating on the other end of the spectrum: more typical, American men. What can I say: I do love a little difference, a little flava, and a little spark in my life. I suppose this can come in many forms, from people of all different places, but all I know is that I’m glad I found all these things in R.

Though R and I continually have things to work out considering the cultural divide, his traditional family, and parts of his Indianness I simply don’t (or won’t ever probably) get, we both feel we have a darn good shot at happiness given our goals, desires, and how well we fit together. I’m not saying things won’t get tough and difficult for me to understand, in fact I think they will, but I’ll be darned if I’m going into this with a dark and unhopeful attitude. Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are? At the very least, R is a guy worth all my hopes, dreams, and risks in moving forward.

And lastly, I’d like to confess that by no means am I an expert on what Indianness is. All I really have to go on are my many impressions and hunches. It’s a tough thing, if not an impossible thing, especially for me – a Westerner – to define. Like so many wonderful and inexplicable things in life, I can’t always articulate what it is but I know it when I see it, when I feel it, and when I experience it. When I came back from a month in India, I felt an aching sadness that I had never felt before. India perplexed me as I felt I had loved, loathed, and then longed for it again, all at once. When someone asked me what I missed most about the place, the first thing I said was, “I miss the way people listen to you there.” I didn’t quite know how or why I had felt so heard there but I knew it was much different than anything I had experienced before. Much like my experience in the country, Indianness, I think, is many things: the tension of opposites, an ineffable mystery, and always, always, entirely moving.