Gori Girl

Germany and Leaves: Social Norms

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The autumn season is upon us here in Virginia - the leaves have turned bright yellow, orange, red, and cover our yard and front walk in a multicolored carpet. All I can think is that I'm so glad I don't live in Germany anymore.

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do… Sometimes

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

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Most of my American friends live in horror of being that American tourist when traveling abroad. We've all heard the horror stories of the rude American traveler who behaved in a completely culturally insensitive way while traveling, working, or living abroad. The person who tromps into a Japanese house wearing his shoes. Or complains loudly about the stupidity of grocery stores being closed in Germany on a Sunday. No one wants to be that person, right? In an effort to not be that person, friends have told me they try their darnedest to follow that age old maxim: when in Rome, do as the Romans do - i.e. follow the customs of the land and culture that you find yourself in, even if they aren't your customs. Nothing wrong with trying to be respectful in all ways possible of other cultures, right? Well, no - there are some things wrong with that old rule about following other culture's customs as much as possible. My main complaint with the "when in Rome" adage is that it simplifies a topic that defies simplification. Tossing the rule out in a conversation as a simple, true fact (as happened recently in the comments section at another blog that inspired this post) strikes me as similar to slapping a bandage on what is, in fact, a thorny issue. Sometimes it's a good idea to follow the customs and traditions of another society while you're visiting (or living in) it. But sometimes it's a really bad idea.

To Hug or Not to Hug: More on Meeting the Parents

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

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Aditya's parents are visiting us again for the second time - they arrived late last week - which has cut into my blogging time as we catch up with them. Of course, it also means plenty of blogging material is being generated with our temporary extended family living situation. The last time they visited I only got out one substantive post on the topic - I hope to do a bit better this time. Of course, that post - which was on the (eek!) order that Aditya's parents tried to bring to our home, disrupting my chaotic-but-somehow-functional mess of a system - still haunts us. Today Baba and Maa dusted and vacuumed the house while we at work - and then jokingly pointed out after I arrived home that my piles of mess were exactly where I left them, just cleaner. (Little do they know that if I am stymied in blogging about their dastardly actions of cleaning our house & cooking delicious meals I have no problem in getting irrationally upset about some other minor issue. For example: the fridge has been reorganized without my express permission, and the dishwasher was inefficiently loaded, resulting in one less cup being washed than if I had loaded it. I'm still reeling!) Since I haven't had a chance to sit down and think through a post lately, I thought I'd share with you the transcript I've typed up in spare minutes from an NPR segment called Intercultural Relationships: Can They Work?. I'm not a professional transcriber, so there may be errors - but I figured something was better than nothing for those of you who can't (or don't like to) listen to podcasts. The segment (and my post title) was developed from an article in East West Magazine. The article, which you can find here, is quite complimentary to the NPR segment, and I encourage you to read it as well as the transcript below. I've bolded the parts I find particularly interesting, and will post my thoughts on it tomorrow in the comments section.

From Atheist to Hindu? Religion and My Intercultural Marriage

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

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Me? Oh, well, I don't have a faith. And, no, I'm not interested in getting one either. That was my polite non-answer when asked about my religious beliefs by two Christians who stopped by Aditya's and my doorstop to proselytize last weekend. And it was as true, as far as it goes - I'm not one much for simple faith in any context. When discussing my religious beliefs with friends & family, I'm most likely to to describe myself simply as an atheist. But when I'm feeling a little mischievous - or argumentative - I'll sometimes put in that I'm an atheist - and a Hindu. Yeah, it's a bit of a complicated situation; I blame Aditya for it completely. Like many other things in my life, religion is something that has become more complicated since we set off on our intercultural marriage adventure.

Intertwined Utility Functions – the Economics of Relationships

Thursday, May 21, 2009

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The study of economics screws up your brain. Or, at least, that's what people outside the field who haven't drunk the econ kool-aid tell me. (Like most potentially insane people, I, of course, wouldn't know if I were in fact insane. That's the fun of it!) Anyway, I'm informed that most people don't think about romantic relationships in terms of intertwined, interdependent utility functions. But I do. And I think you should consider the idea too. Think of it as practice in learning how a subculture (a geeky, mathematically-inclined subculture) thinks about love and romance.

Cultural & Religious Differences: Understanding, Accepting, Embracing

Friday, February 13, 2009

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Today I'd like to discuss three good ways of dealing with differing cultural and religious traditions - understanding them, accepting them, or embracing them - and why it's perfectly okay to not embrace - or even accept - any tradition you find difficult or troubling, as long as that works for your particular relationship.

The Intercultural Learner

Monday, February 9, 2009

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The quote I've been considering all weekend: "The intercultural learner moves amongst cultures, in a process of continual negotiation, learning to cope with the inevitable changes, in a manner that is ultimately empowering and enriching. The home culture is never denied nor demeaned, yet the intercultural learner will find his or her attitudes and beliefs challenged by contact with others and the process of interaction will lead to the kind of personal growth characterized by 'progressive' curricula." (J. Corbett 2003) Corbett writes this within the context of explaining good intercultural education, which he describes as neohumanist, for it "places respect for individuals and their many cultures at the heart of its enterprise". Thoughts?

Becoming an Intercultural Communicator

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

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My husband and I don't speak a common language. Never have, never will. Sure, I'm a native English-speaker, born & raised in America, and Aditya grew up speaking English both in the home and at school - and he even majored in English Literature at the Midwestern university we both attended. Nonetheless, we will always be shouting to each other across a ravine - a gap created by our different cultures. Those of your who are in an intercultural relationship - or who interact regularly with people from a different culture, as I discussed last post - know that this gap goes far beyond the ones created by so-called gender wars, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" talk, the accents or incomplete vocabularies of non-fluent speakers , or even the basic idea from philosophy of language that no person can know exactly what you're thinking in your head. The culture we grew up with inevitably affects the framework of the world we perceive - and thus the world we communicate to and with. Lest I end up sounding too pessimistic, however, let me hasten to add that that the difference in world views created by dissimilar cultures isn't insurmountable. Sure, you're never going to completely conquer the gap between two cultures - but every little bit helps! Today's post is on one of those little bits that help. Or maybe it's a big bit - I'll let you decide.

Cross-Cultural Connections in your Community

Monday, January 26, 2009

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I share my office with a Chinese-American man. My team at work consists of said office mate, an Indian-American (Gujarati) guy, a Turkish fellow, a white dude from the Midwest, my Taiwanese female boss, and three Indians in our Delhi office (two Mr.'s and a Ms.). The offices closest to mine include said Turkish fellow, a Bangladeshi bloke, an Indian (Bengali) lady, a Ghanaian-American gent, a French woman, and a Nepalese chap. Really. For those of you keeping count, that's two Caucasian Americans (including myself) out of fourteen folk. With numbers like those, as you may guess, I don't talk to white Americans all that much while at work. (Or women, either - but that's what you get for working in a field dominated by economists and engineers.) However, even when I step outside the office, I've found that I don't interact with a many people - or, really, more than a handful of people - who appear to be from the same general cultural & racial background as my own. Frankly, it's a little odd now that I think about it.

Wait… I Thought This Was MY House!

Friday, August 29, 2008

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Aditya and I have both been pulling long hours at work during the past couple of weeks. Frankly, it's rare that we both get home before the night sets in. While we both have careers that have require long hours (my company's motto: "the hours here are flexible; you can come in as early as you want, and leave as late as you want"), recent project disasters have stretched our workdays beyond our version of normal. This is particularly unfortunate as Aditya's parents, Maa & Baba, are currently visiting us from India. Of course, they are here for two months, so it's not as if we won't end up having plenty of family time together - but I do wish they didn't have to spend so much time at our house by themselves. I worry about them getting bored; even Kajol, the energizer puppy, can only go for so many walks. I fret about all the interesting monuments and historic sites we aren't seeing in the evenings for lack of energy and sunlight. And I'm genuinely distraught that, at some point, they might break The System while we're away at the office.

Confluence on the Roads: Thoughts about American, Indian, and German Traffic

Saturday, June 21, 2008

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Yesterday Aditya and I made the trek to the holy queen of all box stores, IKEA. It was the first day of the Preview Summer Sale, so of course we were there, battle plan mapped out, lists made, room measurements at hand, and stomaches ready for meatballs. The plan was that I would arrive mid-afternoon with the U-Haul rental van (the better to transport our loot - we take IKEA seriously in this household), and Aditya would come directly from the office once he was off work at 7. Once there, my orders were to make one reconnaissance sweep, then head to the ground floor to secure the bed we've been trying to purchase for the past year. Yes, we've been sleeping with a mattress on the floor for a year rather than give up on our dream cheapo bed just because of little things like it always being out of stock. We plan, and God laughs. I think it was when the third firetruck passed me, sirens blaring, and traffic ground to a complete standstill that I realized I would not be reaching IKEA at 1300 hours. There I sat, stalled on the highway, surveying the baking asphalt meadows around. To pass the time, I started observing the cooperation of the other drivers in responding to the emergency vehicles and the on-going traffic jam, and thinking about how other car cultures I'm familiar with cooperate in their own ways.

Why is the Goat Wearing a Sweater? Six Unspectacular Quirks Meme

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

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I was recently tagged by Blue of the blog bluelightful, bluelicious, bluelovely to complete a meme on "six unspectacular quirks." I was a bit hesitant to do the meme, at first, 'cause I figured I'd already done the whole "personal life" update post, and, really, there's only so many times a week I can talk just about myself before I start making Aditya's life miserable with a swelled head. "Where's my tea & biscuits? I need caffeine to post. This is important, Aditya. I've been tagged!" Then I thought about it a bit more, and realized that if I couldn't come up with six intercultural-type quirks about myself, then all those people who've talked about having me committed to an insane asylum for being crazy (I prefer "quirky," thank you) would be proven wrong. And I'd hate to make so many friends, relatives, and coworkers look bad, so I guess it's time to roll up my sleeves and show just how quirky in a interculturally-relevant-but-not-culturally-insensitive way I can be. Of course, the qualifier of "unspectacular" means you all will be be missing the good stuff...

Categories, Generalizations, and Stereotypes: Talking About Cultural Differences

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

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We talk about cultural differences a lot on this blog: "Indian parents tend to worry about X, Y, and Z when their children are getting married." "My husband grew up in a culture where it wasn't okay to do A, B, or C." "Lego people of South Pacific descent enjoy conga lines and grass miniskirts." This is a pretty sensitive topic. In talking about cultural differences, I'm careful to not make too strict generalizations - I'll hedge what I say by emphasizing I'm talking about my own, personal experiences, or suggest that a group seems to act in a certain way, or that some (but not all!) people from a particular culture do a particular thing. But it's impossible to avoid making any generalizations at all about cultures or to keep from categorizing people - and silly to even try.

Initial Family Resistance to your Intercultural Relationship

Monday, May 5, 2008

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I'm hoisting up from the comments a request for advice from a reader, Travelergal, who's run into a bit of a sticky situation with her Indian boyfriend's family. Her boyfriend, R- just informed his family about her, and, well, the response was not as enthusiastic as one might hope. R- has emailed her about their responses, and now Travelergal is trying to figure out the best course of action: I need your advice so here goes…my boyfriend recently told his parents about me (he is in India right now so of course he sent me this by email). I am a white American girl and he is a South Indian man. Are their comments normal? What can I do at this point to begin the process of “Slow Acclimation”? I want them to eventually accept me but I have no idea where to begin or what I should do at this point! Any advice would be great!! Travelergal included her boyfriend's email, which I've put below the fold, along with my responses (in red). I'm sure she'd appreciate all of you chiming in with suggestions, advice, or sympathy as well.

He’s soooo Indian!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

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In this guest post, NeoKalypso of Doings & Undoings writes about her understanding of "Indian-ness." "You are too prejudiced. You do not let your eyes see nor your ears hear, and that which is outside your daily life is not of account to you. Do you not think that there are things which you cannot understand, and yet which are? That some people see things that others cannot? ... There are always mysteries in life." - Abraham Van Helsing, metaphysician and scientist from Bram Stoker’s Dracula I knew my Indian boyfriend was pretty down with his culture, but after meeting his brother-in-law I just looked at R amusedly and said, “Wow. He’s sooo Indian.” R knew exactly what I meant, smiled and said, “Oh, he totally is. You should see him in India. He’s absolutely in his element.” Later I will unpack this exchange for Gori Girl readers. But first, some background. I’m a white American woman and my R is from a very traditional, South Indian (Telugu) family. Of the Indian families I have had the pleasure of knowing, I feel at liberty to say R’s is the “most hardcore” (i.e. traditional) I’ve known. :) For example, out of his 200 family members, only one ventured outside of Telugu culture to marry…a Gujarati. :) R’s little niece and nephew speak Telugu. His mom, pop, sister, brother-in-law, and their kids have often lived in the same house, sharing family responsibilities (which is very common for more traditional families). It has worked well for them.

Meeting the Desi Parents

Monday, April 14, 2008

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Few things fill me with as much dread as meeting my partner's parents. First off, I'm socially awkward by nature - at least when meeting new people. I never know how to make small talk, or when good eye contact crosses the line into weird staring, or if my posture and facial expressions are saying "possibly mentally deranged" rather than "cool and confident ". Then there’s the fact that I’m meeting the parents. While I’m not exactly a “people pleaser”, I do think it’s important to have a good rapport with the parents of your significant other, at least if he or she is close to them (and Aditya is). If the relationship continues then they're going to be a part of your life forever, and well, family matters, you know? And first impressions matter too. Finally, with Aditya’s parents I had the whole “different culture” thing to worry about too. All of the social rules and interpersonal cues – which I only have a passing knowledge of, anyways – go swishing out the window when you’re faced with a new culture. Not only could I completely mess up, I could completely mess up and not even know what I did wrong. Despite this, my initial meetings with Aditya’s parents – first Maa, then Baba – ended up going quite well. While this may be more due to their innate awesomeness than any actions of mine, I hope my story can help out some of you who are struggling with the same sort of worries I had had. Next post I’ll be focusing on some of the more “theoretical” aspects of meeting the parents, which will greatly extend some of the points I bring up here, so be sure to tune in for that too.

Gori Girl: Now Blogging from the Desi Suburbs

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

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For the sixth year running, Aditya and I have moved our junk to a new home. Yes, you read that right: we've moved (together or both individually) every year for the past six years. It's not that I like moving; it's just a combination of being a student, having an urge to see the world, and a peculiar, magical moving amnesia that makes me forget every year how traumatic moving really is. I'll spare you the gory details, but beyond the typical panicked late night packing, this move has included our utilities being shut off at the new house, at least three separate lockouts, sleeping on hardwood floors, and a hail storm. In an attempt to stay sane (and nourished) through this process, Aditya, an Indian friend, and I went to the mall near the new place this weekend for food and a bit of light goofing off between hauling boxes. And guess what? We've accidentally moved to the Desi suburbs. About every fourth group we saw wandering the mall was sub-Continental, and I'd guess that at least a third of the mall population was Asian. It's like we're back in California! Tomorrow I'll get a post up about the first few times I met Aditya's parents, and I'll be blogging regularly now that the worst of the moving trauma is over.

Do the Needful and Learn the Language, Gori!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

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I can handle Hinglish - the Indian version of Spanglish - without a problem. I've got all that slang down. I'm comfortable with about any accent you can throw at me - a neeful thing indeed when your main social interactions are with a bunch of international grad students and professors who are more comfortable with equations than English. And you'd be surprised at how well I can parse together body language, tone, and the occasional English word in order to understand the conversation as a whole. Unfortunately, these skills, impressive though they might be, don't cut it when what you really need to do is buckle down and learn a foreign language. This is something I suck at. Yesterday I discussed all the great reasons you ought to be studying the native language of your partner. Today I'm focusing on why I haven't yet achieved fluency in Aditya's native language, Bengali, despite all those great reasons - and what I'm doing about it.

My Dainty Swastikas

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

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Someone gave me a pair of swastikas as a wedding gift. They were quite beautiful: delicate, pure gold swastika earrings, with subtle etchings along the front and edges. I wish I had taken a picture of them – and of my husband’s face when he opened the gift. I still don’t know who the giver was, but I suspect it was an older Auntie with superb taste and very few NRI relatives.

Indian Survial Guide: How to Eat Indian Food (Part I)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

23 Comments

During their travels in India, my uncle and mom really enjoyed eating with their hands, as you can see from the photo above. This is the traditional way of eating in India… but not all Indians are perfectly traditional. If you look closely at my husband, Aditya, pictured on the right, you’ll notice he has a fork on his plate, since he doesn't care to eat rice with his hands. I, too, have a fork - you can just see it spearing some delicious chicken in the far right of the photo. I'm using a fork because when I try to eat rice with my hands, I end up with some on my lap, down my blouse, and somehow in my hair - it’s just not pretty. The photo of my family chowing down demonstrates the two main things you need to know about eating Indian food: it’s traditionally done with your hands (mostly the right hand actually – more on that in a bit) AND it’s okay to not be traditional. If you’re uncomfortable eating with your hands, then don’t. No one will look down on you, or think less of you if you ask for silverware. However, for those of you interested adventuring outside of Western-style table manners, I have a few hard-learned tips and tricks to help you chow down politely.

Tag Archive | "culture"

Germany and Leaves: Social Norms

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do… Sometimes

To Hug or Not to Hug: More on Meeting the Parents

From Atheist to Hindu? Religion and My Intercultural Marriage

Intertwined Utility Functions – the Economics of Relationships

Cultural & Religious Differences: Understanding, Accepting, Embracing

The Intercultural Learner

Becoming an Intercultural Communicator

Cross-Cultural Connections in your Community

Wait… I Thought This Was MY House!

Confluence on the Roads: Thoughts about American, Indian, and German Traffic

Why is the Goat Wearing a Sweater? Six Unspectacular Quirks Meme

Categories, Generalizations, and Stereotypes: Talking About Cultural Differences

Initial Family Resistance to your Intercultural Relationship

He’s soooo Indian!

Meeting the Desi Parents

Gori Girl: Now Blogging from the Desi Suburbs

Do the Needful and Learn the Language, Gori!

My Dainty Swastikas

Indian Survial Guide: How to Eat Indian Food (Part I)

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