I’ve gotten a couple of requests from a few readers here at gorigirl.com that I was hoping all of you might be able to help with – consider it a community workshop of sorts. The topics of the day are intercultural relationships featuring either South Asian women or Nepalis. I think the people who wrote to me are most interested in connecting with couples of this sort, but any resources such as websites, articles, or books that people can recommend would be welcome as well.
South Asian women in intercultural relationships
More than one reader has written in asking whether I knew of anyone in an intercultural relationship where the paring was Indian woman and [blank] guy, since some of the difficulties these couples face can be different from those seen by a South Asian dude and [blank] gal. I personally don’t know any of these couples in real life – not seriously committed, anyways – but I do know that there are a few readers here who of these pairings (obviously – since more than one person wrote in!). So, if you’re interested in starting a discussion on the particular problems faced by these couples, speak up – this thread’s for you! Alternatively, if you’re a bit too shy to discuss the topic here, you can email me (gorigirl.admin.com) or use the contact form on the Got a Question? page, and I’ll pass along your contact information to those who were enquiring.
The following websites and article might also be of interest to couples where one person is an Indian woman. I’m only showing the pick of the litter – you can find more on the Intercultural Resources page:
- MasalaCouples – a livejournal community featuring South Asian mixed marriages and relationships where I know there are a few couples of this paring.
- Bucking tradition and following the path of my heart – an article written by a young Indian woman about dating outside of her race.
- Marriage of True Minds – an article from beliefnet discussing the intercultural relationships and weddings of three South Asian women
- The United Colors of Desi - an article discussing intercultural marriage with a few couples of the above type profiled.
Nepalis in intercultural relationships
Another reader is looking for couples where one person is Nepalese. She writes:
I was wondering if you have any readers or friends who are in an intercultural relationship that is American-Nepali. A lot of reading material out there talks about South Asian relationships that are American-Indian, which I enjoy and extrapolate all that I can from, but it would be nice to have others to talk to that are in the same situation. There are SO many Nepalis in the US these days, I am sure there are a lot out there!
So, same deal here – I don’t know of any Nepali-other couples (all my Nepalese friends are currently loving the single life), but perhaps one of the readers here does?
There also aren’t a lot of resources – that I could find – out there for interracial/intercultural couples where one partner is Nepali. This site, aimed at explaining Nepali culture to Canadians, has a few interesting bits, including some recommend fiction, but nothing focused on intercultural relationships. On that topic, I could only find this article, called Cultural Crisscross, which is nice, but not very long. If anyone else knows of articles that might be of use, be sure to comment below.
5. February 2009 at 1:35 pm
re: mixed couples in which the woman is Indian. I know a few of these, but they're all cousins of G and I think it's pretty much a given at this point that G's family isn't the norm as far as Indian families go.
I know that one cousin moved in with her now-husband before they were even engaged and that her dad refused to go to their apartment until after they were married (which especially was a problem because A. it took a couple of years for them to get married and B. the parents lived 1,000 miles away and had to stay at a hotel when they visited). Another cousin kept her name upon marriage, which caused some twittering in the family, but she didn't want to give up that part of her identity and probably would've kept her name even if she'd married an Indian guy.
Not sure how helpful this post is, but that's my $0.02.
5. February 2009 at 1:40 pm
I don't think it matters if a family is the “norm” or not.
When you're
having difficulty finding resources about your situation (I was there, like,
five years ago) any little bit helps. At least that's how I always felt. And
seriously, what is a normal family? I've been hearing about them forever,
but they seem an elusive group.
5. February 2009 at 2:27 pm
My sister-in-law is Indian and has been married to a white man for almost seven years now. They've given my husband and me lots of advice on our relationship, but I don't really know how different they feel their experiences have been from ours, except for the fact that they married awhile ago and were really trailblazers in M's family. I'll have to ask her what she thinks. Like the cousin D was talking about, she did keep her name after marriage and her husband actually took her last name too. She may not have wanted to give up that aspect of her identity either or it may be because she's in academia and has published a lot. Or their decision could be for a wealth of other reasons that I don't know about. Since I've never asked her about it, I don't want to make any assumptions.
5. February 2009 at 6:58 pm
We've got a couple of these relationships in Ricky's extended family – two of his cousins are Indian women (I'm not sure whether they were born in India, though) married to white American men. Their relationships seem to be pretty solid – both couples have kids who are teenagers, so they've been together for quite awhile. I think I remember hearing something about how when Ricky's cousin P brought her boyfriend home, there was a certain amount of drama…but it's so long ago now that I don't think anyone even thinks about it any more. We've got some great footage of their husbands dancing bhangra at our wedding! From what I could observe, it seems like both husbands have done a lot to embrace Desi culture. Next time we see them I'll have to ask them about their experiences…
6. February 2009 at 10:50 am
True, true. But I think that G's family is a little more chill than the other Indian families you hear about around these parts (ie, intercultural marriage sites).
6. February 2009 at 11:03 am
Not in any of the aforementioned couple-combos but just wanted to say hi, as I have been lurking on the blog a while. I've enjoyed reading about everyone's experiences! For the record, I am a Vietnamese-American woman dating an American-born South Indian (Telugu) man.
8. February 2009 at 6:01 pm
I have two close friends both from India married to American men. One is so happily married that her mom wanted to clone her American son-in-law for her other daughters. The other is not so happy. And in both the cases the in-laws on both sides had blessed the couples. Perhaps I am being too simplistic, but I believe at the end of the day, it comes down to individual personalities and relationships between couples.
12. February 2009 at 11:53 am
I was just posting as requested by some readers.
But they don't seem to have come out of the woodwork. I do agree that it can be very difficult to separate out what are individual characteristics vs. family characteristics vs. overall cultural characteristics. I suspect it'd be a bit hasty to put it all down to the first two, though.
Do you not think that an Indian woman marrying someone from another culture would face different sorts of family resistance (if there were any) than a Indian man doing the same?
12. February 2009 at 11:55 am
Hi O! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. This may sound a bit infantile, but I must say that I absolutely adore Vietnamese food – especially pho. My favorite restaurant in the world is a pho shop in Sunnyvale, CA that I must visit every time I'm in the area.
21. March 2009 at 5:42 am
Hi gori girl
I've been in a relationship with a Nepali man for 18 years, and would be happy to share my experiences with others. I love your blog I wish I'd had access to a wonderful resource/ community like this when I first met my partner, it definately would have saved some heartache and confusion.
14. May 2010 at 3:01 am
Hello, I’m a black woman seriously dating a Nepali man here in the US. I’ve been trying for months to find someone, anyone in my situation. I know that it all comes down to personalities and commonalities and all the other relationship stuff, but there is an amazingly strong cultural meshing aspect as well! Right off I was introduced to what family members were here in the US…I had to go thru and inspection of sorts. Then I met his family online for some conversation and a look over. An approval was given and then we were allowed to be together. Although we are here in America, to them I am considered a foreign girl. a few months back we were given the blessing to be married and I started doing crazy research on Nepali tradition and marriage and ceremonies but couldn’t find much in terms of my situation. ARE THERE ANY OUT THERE LIKE ME????
And although I was heartly welcomed, it seems that I am always under the microscope in terms of cultural corruption potential (i.e. “too many americans divorce…how do we know you won’t do that to him?”, “how do we know you are about family? Will you make sure that you do not keep him from us?”, in “X” years, you will need to begin living in Nepal” etc etc)
Now I know every family in the world has expectations, is this typical? Will I always feel like I am just a foreign girl? When we go to Nepal will I face discrimination? I only ask this question because the norm of the foreign girls in Nepal is usually not black women. I even had one Nepali girl visit his family and tell how terrible I will be for him and his future! Is this typical behaviour to be expected? I can and have lived through interracial dating challenges, however despite reassuring words from my man, knowing that there are others (especially Black Women) out there that have been successful in dating and marriage to a Nepali Men would be quite comforting. Being the trailblazer isn’t always so fun:)
Any feedback, questions, comments are heartily welcomed!.
24. September 2010 at 10:30 pm
Hi
I am dating a Nepali guy don’t worry about what people say enjoy your life and make your family what it is. Nobody can give you happiness only you and your partner.
4. February 2011 at 5:26 pm
I am in this same situation. I am an American hispanic girl and have a Nepali bf which i met on facebook. while we have never met in person, I’ve come to realize that he is super sweet and the best guy I’ve ever known. He tells me that his parents are expecting him to have an arranged marriage and that they don’t even want him to have a gf until he finishes college and is secure in his life. So we are both waiting until the day we can meet. I have worried that his parents might not accept me for these reasons and because I am not a Nepali girl, but he tells me he will try to convince them of our love. He tells me that most likely they should not object as long as he is successful in his own feet. I really respect the Nepalese ppl and I’ve grown to love the country.
6. May 2009 at 6:08 pm
Hi el – glad you found the blog! This post doesn't seem to have gotten much attention, but I'll be starting up a forum in a few days, and I'm sure your experiences would be appreciated there.
19. November 2009 at 6:14 pm
RE: Nepalis in intercultural relationships
One such couple here in Philadelphia, PA.
Wife (me) American-Filipino/Black,
Husband Nepali
Married in Nepal this past spring!
Talk to me, I’m also on the lookout for a fellow American-Nepali couples to share experiences.
19. November 2009 at 6:21 pm
Shrestha,
A reader of this blog ended up creating her own blog on Nepali-American relationships – I highly recommend it: Musings from an American-Nepali Household
14. May 2010 at 3:03 am
I would love to talk with you!
2. August 2010 at 4:52 pm
I need some help my fiance is from nepal orignially but now here in america and her brother is having so much trouble with this her dad has passed so i guess he is the male role model in the family and i called to talk with him and he kinda fliped on me and hung up now what should i do i would love some help.
22. October 2010 at 9:35 pm
I just married my Napali boyfriend. We struggle with acceptance of people from Nepal that are here. Any advise?
27. October 2010 at 10:37 am
I would recommend you visit the blog Musings from an American-Nepali Household!
11. January 2010 at 9:50 pm
hello everyone. i’m american in us. my husband is nepalease orginally from NEPAL….
i just want to know hows your expericed being relationship with nepalease….
just drop by to say sumthing.
21. January 2010 at 3:39 pm
Aashi, I’d suggest you check out the blog I listed above, Musings from an American-Nepali Household.
27. May 2010 at 8:50 pm
Hey,
I’m white American female dating a Nepali guy for almost 2.5 yrs. It’s so nice to meet other Nepali-other couples.
I’d be interested in hearing your stories about Nepali in laws.
Adarien – The fact that your BF has talked to his parents about you and they’ve given their blessing is a big deal. I know my BF (and many Nepalis) holds their parents’ opinions in high regard, so getting my BF’s parents approval (especially his mom’s) was very relieving for the both of us.
You will probably face some discrimination when you go to Nepal. Foreigners often face a combination of special treatment and negative stereotyping. It will probably be a little difficult because of your skin color, mostly because many Nepalis who do have experience with foreigners (outside of people from other South Asian countries) only have experience with white foreigners. In the end, what matters most is the you BF and his family. So don’t sweat it. You should definitely go to Nepal because it’s an amazing, beautiful country!
-Binita
8. June 2010 at 12:33 pm
Binita
8. June 2010 at 12:38 pm
@GG: Any luck finding new NepaliAmerican resources?
@Shrestha: I would love to speak with you!
@Binita: Thank you for the vote of confidence? Do you have a similar experience?
Binita, Aashi, Shrestha, EL… Do any of you have any experiences to share? I do visit ‘Musings’ often (as recommended by GG) and it has been extremely informative. I also found some of the posts on http://www.visajourneys.com to be helpful.
However we should definitely have a forum that discusses Nepali culture and relationships specifically. I find that their ideas and customs are different from Indian or generalized ‘South Asian Men’. Does anyone have any other forums/posts that they’ve found?
*my original post was by Adarien*
22. October 2010 at 9:30 pm
I am a black woman just married a Napali. We date a year before getting married. I would love to talk to someone who can share my experience.
20. July 2011 at 7:54 pm
I am a dark skinned black american female, who is just beginning to date a Napali (very beautiful olive skin). I don’t know much about the culture, though he is introducing me slowly. I am nervous, never gave it a thought prior to him. Actually, several family members have told me that I am predjudice because I wanted to back away. I explained, it could be me, just a fear of the unknown.
Anyone still on this blog, who wishes to share their experiences with me?
20. July 2011 at 7:55 pm
I would love to have you share your experiences with me. I have just embarked on my relationship. He is Napali and I am a black american female. I’d welcome anything you can share with me.
30. August 2011 at 10:38 pm
just saw your post have been looking for sites to talk with other african american women in relationships with nepalis…Listen to your instincts…
13. February 2011 at 9:58 pm
You can check out my blog. I’m an Aussie girl in a relationship with a Nepali
17. June 2011 at 4:32 am
i have just started darting a napal girl. we have been dating for 3 months. now i have dated a lot of American women…
lol but my girl is great 
the girl i am currently dating is very wonderful. lol and i want to treat her the best i an can am learning about how to do so… which brought me to this site.
treat them as a flower. with love and trust every thing is possible lol granted i still believe i my own self still have a long time a head of me in my own learning
16. November 2011 at 3:32 pm
Hi I’m been chatting to this nepalnese guy for nearly 3 year we meet in our work place back in October 2009 when I was 19 and he was 24,25 not quite sure. At that time he only came here about 3 weeks and be staying here since as a student. We started proper chatting in August 2010 but argue now and then. Over thing I thought was weird like he would say I live you all the time calling me love or talking about marriages. I only see him when i work which is part time sometimes once ever few month. Haven’t spoke to each other inperson. I ended it in May 2011 but after that I seem to miss him kind of thing always imagining him and staff but i refuse to say i love him so he was mad. I then made a diffrent account to see if he does the same to other people but some how he knew it was me. Now he’s doing the silience treatment where I have ro keep on bothering him. But i can’t seem to trust him or I do I’m not sure because he is here to study but he seems nice I’m not trusting him because I think he night be after my passport but i can’t seem to say it to him. Help