Comments on: Of Love and Race http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race intercultural relationship stories and advice Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:22:04 -0700 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.3 By: N S http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-2361 N S Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:12:32 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-2361 haha I got a taste of these stares in Midwest as well, I used to go out with my white friend, whos white and im ur typical desi brown. The desis would all stare at us, thinking the white girl is all out to corrupt this poor Indian boy in a land far away from his parents! lol I used to get a funny kick outta it lol haha I got a taste of these stares in Midwest as well, I used to go out with my white friend, whos white and im ur typical desi brown. The desis would all stare at us, thinking the white girl is all out to corrupt this poor Indian boy in a land far away from his parents! lol I used to get a funny kick outta it lol

]]> By: Dreamer http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1579 Dreamer Thu, 16 Apr 2009 14:05:26 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1579 Thank you. I appreciate your comment. I apologize though. When I reread my comment, it still sounds so bitter. I guess the comment I responded to just gave me a type of validation and new perspective on what I experienced. I did get married to a wonderful man, who happens to be from India. He is kind, loving, attentive, supportive, accepting, and faithful. I even have a good relationship with his parents so far. Everything happens for a reason and I thank my lucky stars everyday that the potential trainwreck of a marriage that I thought I wanted never was. I also think of his wife sometimes. I dodged the bullet, but she certainly did not. I have no doubt that there are millions of wonderful Pakistani men out there. I have just not had the pleasure to meet them. I am sure that your brothers are very nice people and they should not be held accountable to the dastardly deeds of the minority that has created this infamous stereotype. Thank you. I appreciate your comment. I apologize though. When I reread my comment, it still sounds so bitter. I guess the comment I responded to just gave me a type of validation and new perspective on what I experienced. I did get married to a wonderful man, who happens to be from India. He is kind, loving, attentive, supportive, accepting, and faithful. I even have a good relationship with his parents so far. Everything happens for a reason and I thank my lucky stars everyday that the potential trainwreck of a marriage that I thought I wanted never was. I also think of his wife sometimes. I dodged the bullet, but she certainly did not. I have no doubt that there are millions of wonderful Pakistani men out there. I have just not had the pleasure to meet them. I am sure that your brothers are very nice people and they should not be held accountable to the dastardly deeds of the minority that has created this infamous stereotype.

]]> By: Urooj http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1578 Urooj Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:58:14 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1578 That's horrid =( sorry to hear that you had such an experience. I'm a Pakistani girl and I'm glad that the men in my family have had a lot more respect for people that they've dated outside their race. Many of them are in happy interfaith, interracial relationships. I would be very concerned if a man (Pakistani or not) was way too pushy on getting intimate with me way too early. That usually is a red flag. Especially if he wants to do things with you that you would normally object to. A lot of them don't have good intentions and get into a relationship just so that they can sleep around. I'm sorry to hear that it has tainted your experience with Pakistani men, but there are certainly good ones out there as well. It just depends on the personal morals they've been endowed with. That's horrid =( sorry to hear that you had such an experience. I'm a Pakistani girl and I'm glad that the men in my family have had a lot more respect for people that they've dated outside their race. Many of them are in happy interfaith, interracial relationships. I would be very concerned if a man (Pakistani or not) was way too pushy on getting intimate with me way too early. That usually is a red flag. Especially if he wants to do things with you that you would normally object to. A lot of them don't have good intentions and get into a relationship just so that they can sleep around. I'm sorry to hear that it has tainted your experience with Pakistani men, but there are certainly good ones out there as well. It just depends on the personal morals they've been endowed with.

]]> By: Dreamer http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1577 Dreamer Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:11:06 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1577 I actually had an experience with a Pakistani Man. It was very hurtful as I have never been 'Casual' with my affections. He used me unmercifully. Had me thinking that I was 'with' him as our relationship had been 'very intimate'. He used to have me sing for his friends ( I was a Vocal Performance major). Little did I know that I was on display in the most degrading fashion. Then one day he went to Chicago. When I called him he sounded very strange and cut me off. I didn't see him for another week. When he came back he started telling me that he was getting married. I was naive enough to think that he was getting ready to propose. Then he whipped out a photo album, showed me pictures of his newly arranged fiance, and asked me to sing at their wedding. It was a very strange mix of fury, dumbfoundedness, and profound pain. I later found out that there was a few of us that he was stringing along. Jokes on him though. I met my wonderful INDIAN husband at his apartment. About a year after I got married he called me to complain that his wife was cold to him and would not 'show him any love' unless they were trying for children. So, I can concur with the Pakistani bad rap. I actually had an experience with a Pakistani Man. It was very hurtful as I have never been 'Casual' with my affections. He used me unmercifully. Had me thinking that I was 'with' him as our relationship had been 'very intimate'. He used to have me sing for his friends ( I was a Vocal Performance major). Little did I know that I was on display in the most degrading fashion. Then one day he went to Chicago. When I called him he sounded very strange and cut me off. I didn't see him for another week. When he came back he started telling me that he was getting married. I was naive enough to think that he was getting ready to propose. Then he whipped out a photo album, showed me pictures of his newly arranged fiance, and asked me to sing at their wedding. It was a very strange mix of fury, dumbfoundedness, and profound pain. I later found out that there was a few of us that he was stringing along. Jokes on him though. I met my wonderful INDIAN husband at his apartment. About a year after I got married he called me to complain that his wife was cold to him and would not 'show him any love' unless they were trying for children. So, I can concur with the Pakistani bad rap.

]]> By: MusicLover647 http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1499 MusicLover647 Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:15:41 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1499 What? I'm just stating what someone told me. Yes, I'm probably biased being an Indian American but that plays no part in this. This guy, who was a Pakistani, told me his buddies would lie to girls and tell them they were Indian, sleep with them and dump them. You're right though, there are jerks in every race, religion and ethnicity. What? I'm just stating what someone told me. Yes, I'm probably biased being an Indian American but that plays no part in this. This guy, who was a Pakistani, told me his buddies would lie to girls and tell them they were Indian, sleep with them and dump them. You're right though, there are jerks in every race, religion and ethnicity.

]]> By: di http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1497 di Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:34:21 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1497 Wonderful post, Auroracoda! You definitely captured what I feel and how I see it, in the way you articulately described theory of individuality and person's own perceptions playing largely into the spirit of a moment when two cultures interact. K and I are in a bubble of happiness and that's how we treat those around us, which is how (I truly believe) we haven't really met with vile opposition from anyone close in our lives or random people out and about. Of course it helps that both of our families have this outlook on life as well. :) Wonderful post, Auroracoda! You definitely captured what I feel and how I see it, in the way you articulately described theory of individuality and person's own perceptions playing largely into the spirit of a moment when two cultures interact. K and I are in a bubble of happiness and that's how we treat those around us, which is how (I truly believe) we haven't really met with vile opposition from anyone close in our lives or random people out and about. Of course it helps that both of our families have this outlook on life as well. :)

]]> By: di http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1495 di Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:07:20 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1495 Yes, K is a Pakistani Muslim (and I'm a white American woman). <br><br>At the restaurant we never once touched each other but we were on the same side of a very large booth with no one on the other side. (We got into that habit after going to restaurants where there is a TV and we sit together to see it.) I'm guessing that was a big no-no perhaps in some people's eyes? We weren't loud, laughing or flirting in any way (nor are we ever like that in public). We were relatively quiet throughout the meal. Nothing we would consider as an inappropriate display of affection. K said he did hesitate before sitting next to me. However, we don't want to feel guilty about the way we do things no matter where we are. That does not mean we do not have respect for others around us or do not want to blend in. We should be able to feel comfortable anywhere we go just being us. And we are...That was the first time we had ever gone to such a place together. And like I said, the owner was very kind to us, and I think we'll go back. Yes, K is a Pakistani Muslim (and I'm a white American woman).

At the restaurant we never once touched each other but we were on the same side of a very large booth with no one on the other side. (We got into that habit after going to restaurants where there is a TV and we sit together to see it.) I'm guessing that was a big no-no perhaps in some people's eyes? We weren't loud, laughing or flirting in any way (nor are we ever like that in public). We were relatively quiet throughout the meal. Nothing we would consider as an inappropriate display of affection. K said he did hesitate before sitting next to me. However, we don't want to feel guilty about the way we do things no matter where we are. That does not mean we do not have respect for others around us or do not want to blend in. We should be able to feel comfortable anywhere we go just being us. And we are…That was the first time we had ever gone to such a place together. And like I said, the owner was very kind to us, and I think we'll go back.

]]> By: Amreekan_Mallu http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1496 Amreekan_Mallu Thu, 05 Mar 2009 11:09:53 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1496 Come on now, I don't think Pakistanis needs to be blamed for that. That are plenty of men (and women) from all over the world (including from India) who do that. Desi men certainly don't have the sole rights to being a jerk. Come on now, I don't think Pakistanis needs to be blamed for that. That are plenty of men (and women) from all over the world (including from India) who do that. Desi men certainly don't have the sole rights to being a jerk.

]]> By: musiclover647 http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1491 musiclover647 Thu, 05 Mar 2009 02:39:40 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1491 I once had a conversation with a Pakistani fellow who told me his friends would lie to American girls and tell them they're from India, use them and dump them. This way they got to have their fun and give Indians a bad name at the same time. I once had a conversation with a Pakistani fellow who told me his friends would lie to American girls and tell them they're from India, use them and dump them. This way they got to have their fun and give Indians a bad name at the same time.

]]> By: TheGoriWife http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1476 TheGoriWife Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:58:40 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1476 I think what you wrote here and a little bit above is exactly what I was trying to say - you just put it better :) I think what you wrote here and a little bit above is exactly what I was trying to say – you just put it better :)

]]> By: GoriGirl http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1470 GoriGirl Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:27:00 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1470 Welcome to the blog, Jijibean!<br><br>I certainly agree with your point regarding clothing - it's one of the major things that help you blend into different social situations. I mostly wore salwars when I was in India for that reason, and was occasionally mistaken as Indian - it helps that I'm short & a brunette. Welcome to the blog, Jijibean!

I certainly agree with your point regarding clothing – it's one of the major things that help you blend into different social situations. I mostly wore salwars when I was in India for that reason, and was occasionally mistaken as Indian – it helps that I'm short & a brunette.

]]> By: jijibean http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1461 jijibean Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:25:46 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1461 I'm new to your blog and like this post and comments because I'm in an interesting cross-cultural marriage myself. I'm a white American. I wish I could have found blogs like this when my hubby and I first met. We've been together 11+ years. I'll call my husband "V" for this post. Anyway, V was brought up in Pakistan, but his family are Hindus and originally from India (very unusual I realize). So I can relate to both your blog and some of GoriWife's too.<br><br>Anyway, V and I definitely have different circles of friends and I feel that it's easier just to adapt to different situations so I don't end up feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to embarrass my husband or make others feel uncomfortable as well. <br><br>I know I'm going a little off topic here, but . . . <br>For me I think the stares come more when I feel I'm not dressed "appropriately" for the surrounding environment rather than the fact that V and I are together (I know that may sound superficial). If I know we are meeting some of his Pakistani/Muslim friends who are more conservative I'll wear shalwar-kameez to their house. I feel more comfortable if I do in that situation. <br><br>There have been occasions where I have worn shalwar-kameez into a grocery store, mall or other places and I tend to feel like people are staring even though they might not really care. Although I'm sure people look, even if it's just out of curiosity. If my in-laws are with me, or V is with me, I usually don't mind, (although I still prefer to wearing typical American clothes, and usually do). It's the times when I just go to pick up something alone and I'm dressed in typical Indian or Pakistani dress that really make me feel self conscious. <br><br>If we go to the Mandir (Hindu temple) here I also prefer wearing either a sari or kameez (long shirt) or long skirt of some kind. I don't know, I guess it's just a respect thing in my mind now too. <br> <br>I have been to Pakistan a number of times and I have found that in public markets people will stare at V and I (I agree with GoriWife here too, I think it's more out of being curious than anything). I am taller than most women there and at the times I went I had blonde highlights in my hair. I would always cover my head in public with my dupatta (scarf that is part of shalwar-kameez) so as not to draw more attention to myself. I'm new to your blog and like this post and comments because I'm in an interesting cross-cultural marriage myself. I'm a white American. I wish I could have found blogs like this when my hubby and I first met. We've been together 11+ years. I'll call my husband “V” for this post. Anyway, V was brought up in Pakistan, but his family are Hindus and originally from India (very unusual I realize). So I can relate to both your blog and some of GoriWife's too.

Anyway, V and I definitely have different circles of friends and I feel that it's easier just to adapt to different situations so I don't end up feeling uncomfortable. I don't want to embarrass my husband or make others feel uncomfortable as well.

I know I'm going a little off topic here, but . . .
For me I think the stares come more when I feel I'm not dressed “appropriately” for the surrounding environment rather than the fact that V and I are together (I know that may sound superficial). If I know we are meeting some of his Pakistani/Muslim friends who are more conservative I'll wear shalwar-kameez to their house. I feel more comfortable if I do in that situation.

There have been occasions where I have worn shalwar-kameez into a grocery store, mall or other places and I tend to feel like people are staring even though they might not really care. Although I'm sure people look, even if it's just out of curiosity. If my in-laws are with me, or V is with me, I usually don't mind, (although I still prefer to wearing typical American clothes, and usually do). It's the times when I just go to pick up something alone and I'm dressed in typical Indian or Pakistani dress that really make me feel self conscious.

If we go to the Mandir (Hindu temple) here I also prefer wearing either a sari or kameez (long shirt) or long skirt of some kind. I don't know, I guess it's just a respect thing in my mind now too.

I have been to Pakistan a number of times and I have found that in public markets people will stare at V and I (I agree with GoriWife here too, I think it's more out of being curious than anything). I am taller than most women there and at the times I went I had blonde highlights in my hair. I would always cover my head in public with my dupatta (scarf that is part of shalwar-kameez) so as not to draw more attention to myself.

]]> By: GoriGirl http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1463 GoriGirl Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:31:36 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1463 Things now are quite okay, but they weren't always, especially when we were dating. Aditya's dad was always fine with us dating, but his mom was rather uncertain about the whole thing. I wasn't facing the same situation you are, but I can remember how very uncomfortable it was. <br><br>I'll think about tips... Things now are quite okay, but they weren't always, especially when we were dating. Aditya's dad was always fine with us dating, but his mom was rather uncertain about the whole thing. I wasn't facing the same situation you are, but I can remember how very uncomfortable it was.

I'll think about tips…

]]> By: GoriGirl http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1462 GoriGirl Tue, 03 Mar 2009 02:27:01 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1462 Another excellent point. :-) Here's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMwoexR1evo" rel="nofollow">the link</a> to the (rather uplifting) commercial, if anyone is interested.<br><br>(I do love good ads, especially the uplifting or funny ones. This has nothing to do with anything, but this greatly reminded me of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrFgRAcr0jg" rel="nofollow">this ad</a>. Sorry for the randomness, y'all.) Another excellent point. :-) Here's the link to the (rather uplifting) commercial, if anyone is interested.

(I do love good ads, especially the uplifting or funny ones. This has nothing to do with anything, but this greatly reminded me of this ad. Sorry for the randomness, y'all.)

]]> By: GoriGirl http://gorigirl.com/of-love-and-race#comment-1459 GoriGirl Mon, 02 Mar 2009 18:03:15 +0000 http://gorigirl.com/?p=518#comment-1459 Aditya's brother married an Indian who's not Bengali, but that's the closest<br>anyone in his (extended) family has gotten to an intercultural marriage.<br><br>(... more later) Aditya's brother married an Indian who's not Bengali, but that's the closest
anyone in his (extended) family has gotten to an intercultural marriage.

(… more later)

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