More Calm, Less Storm
Here’s a short, positive guest post from contributor NeoKalypso of Doings & Undoings on family, loss, and understanding.
As most of the regular readers know, I’m relatively new to my intercultural relationship with my South Indian guy, R. Though we’ve known each other for longer, in August we will be celebrating an official year together.
Recently I had a very close family member pass away. It was an intense, emotional time and R was there for me every step of the way. He was with me through intimate family gatherings, saw where I grew up, and witnessed my grief over one of the greatest influences of my life. During all of this, my mind was often elsewhere, I was moody, and I was just all around uncharacteristically, but rightfully, sad. No one has even been a supportive part of my life like this before—usually I just buck up and find myself dealing with hard stuff alone. But R was there throughout everything: kind, listening, and not to mention absolutely loved by my family. He was my rock the whole time.
Now that the hardest parts of that time are past, I realize I feel closer to R than ever. Previously I thought R’s and my love had capped off—that it couldn’t get any better. But after making it through such an ordeal I feel even more connected to R in a deeper, uncharted way for me. I don’t really use religious lingo that much, but I can say that having him in my life has been a true blessing and gift.
When I think about these crucial times in life, when pain is pain, hurt is hurt, and sadness is sadness, I realize love truly knows no boundaries and its what binds you. R’s parents both wanted me to know that they were sorry for my loss. When it boils down to it, almost every human can understand the language of loss and love. Unfortunately, the message can often get lost in translation.
Knowing that R’s parents got the message and responded meant a great deal to me. It meant more than their reservations and cautionary feelings about me. If they can acknowledge and understand my hurt in this situation, they will be able to in others as well. The story between R and I is a pretty clear one: we automatically get so many things about each other and just keep growing in partnership. The story between R’s parents and I may take some more time to unfold. Though it’s a work in progress, the story has begun and living it page by page has proved to be far more meaningful than speculating or bemoaning it.
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Comments
I’ve been extremely lucky regarding loss - the only person I’ve known (personally) who has died was my great-grandmother, Oma, who lived into her mid-80’s & had a great life. And it helped that we were expecting it. So I can’t know what you’re going through, NeoKalypso, but I’m very glad that R has been there for you, and that his parents have also acknowledged your loss.
@NK - I’m so sorry for your recent loss, and so glad for you that you’ve found someone to go through these parts of life with you. I’ve been dealing with really difficult health issues in my close family for the first time lately, and it’s definitely shaken my world, including changed my awareness of what those I’m close to mean to me and the ways in which I can and do depend on them. It’s an awful way to learn things that can nonetheless be beautiful and true. I’ll be thinking of you.
NK, I’m so glad that R was there for you and that his parents offered their sympathies. Although the circumstances are sad and I feel deeply for your loss, the fact that his parents are able to empathize with you at a moment of loss is a very positive sign. It’s hard to reject someone you’ve felt sympathy for. Even though you haven’t met them yet, you’re making such great strides in cultivating a good relationship with them - you should give yourself a lot of credit for that.
My Dad has been sick for a long time, and I’m well aware that he probably won’t last much longer. M has been an incredible source of comfort and support as I wrestle with the idea of losing my Dad. I was okay on my own - I’m lucky to have a great circle of friends who are very supportive - but until I had M in my life I didn’t realize how amazing it is to have someone who can sense your pain or hurt without you having to articulate it and who can provide you with comfort even when you’re unaware you need it. It’s really incredible - definitely a blessing and gift.
NK, so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy, but it helps to have someone there for you like R was. You’re lucky to have such a great guy.
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Shortly after my husband and I had began dating, his mother unexpectedly passed away back in India. I was so heartbroken FOR him - that was when I knew the depth of my feelings for him. I actually relate to R’s side of things, interestingly enough.
I am sorry for you loss - hang in there.