Meeting the Desi Parents
Few things fill me with as much dread as meeting my partner’s parents.
First off, I’m socially awkward by nature - at least when meeting new people. I never know how to make small talk, or when good eye contact crosses the line into weird staring, or if my posture and facial expressions are saying “possibly mentally deranged” rather than “cool and confident “.
Then there’s the fact that I’m meeting the parents. While I’m not exactly a “people pleaser”, I do think it’s important to have a good rapport with the parents of your significant other, at least if he or she is close to them (and Aditya is). If the relationship continues then they’re going to be a part of your life forever, and well, family matters, you know? And first impressions matter too.
Finally, with Aditya’s parents I had the whole “different culture” thing to worry about too. All of the social rules and interpersonal cues – which I only have a passing knowledge of, anyways – go swishing out the window when you’re faced with a new culture. Not only could I completely mess up, I could completely mess up and not even know what I did wrong.
Despite this, my initial meetings with Aditya’s parents – first Maa, then Baba – ended up going quite well. While this may be more due to their innate awesomeness than any actions of mine, I hope my story can help out some of you who are struggling with the same sort of worries I had had. Next post I’ll be focusing on some of the more “theoretical” aspects of meeting the parents, which will greatly extend some of the points I bring up here, so be sure to tune in for that too.
Laying the groundwork
The best thing Aditya and I did in meeting his parents were the extensive preparations – which I’ll term research and parent prep – we did prior to the actual meetings. These preparations allowed both his parents and me to be much more relaxed and ready for each other when we got around to the face-to-face.
Research
As an academic-in-training, I’ve come to value good research. Well, actually, I’ve always valued research – I believe the technical term I heard as a child was “bookworm.” (This is where the lack of social skills stems from.) After Aditya and I decided we were “serious”, I started in on studying up on both India and intercultural relationships. Initially this was meant to help my relationship with Aditya, but it sure paid off when it came to meeting his parents. I availed myself of the following resources:
- A Hinduism Course
I audited an Introduction to Hinduism course that was offered at my university. Aditya was actually taking the course at the same as part of his Religious Studies major, which meant that I could pester him after every class to find out which portions of the lecture applied to his family. These questions tended to lead to general discussions about Indian culture beyond Hinduism: a question about caste, for instance, would lead to a discussion about class distinctions in modern India, and what his experiences had been as a child. The American professor of the course, with his “outsider” view of India was also a great resource, particularly since he had spent a number of years living in the state of West Bengal, where Aditya’s family was from. - Books on intercultural relationships & India
I cleaned out both the university and local library looking for any book, fiction or nonfiction, that would give me some information about Indian culture or intercultural relationships. Some of these books can be found on the Intercultural Relationships Resource page, and I’ll be adding more of them in the future. The India books were useful in that they added to my background knowledge of India. Some of the intercultural books had sections devoted to relations with the extended family, or even personal anecdotes from Indian-white couples. - The Internet
I cannot tell you the number of internet searches I performed, both for my relationship with Aditya and specifically in anticipation of meeting with Aditya’s parents. I tried every possible permutation of “India”, “parents”, “culture”, “interracial”, “intercultural”, “relationship”, and so forth, but found very little that addressed the type of concerns I had. That’s one of the reasons why Gori Girl was created. Still, I did find some personal stories and resources, most of which seemed decidedly negative. That’s another reason why Gori Girl was created - those of us who have good stories have less reason to vent or seek advice on the net, but our stories are still needed.
Parent Prep
While I was doing my lit review on All Things Indian and Intercultural, Aditya was working at things from his end as well. His parents live in India, so he knew we wouldn’t be able to meet face-to-face for quite awhile, but we both agreed that it’d be best to inform them about the relationship earlier rather than later.
The timeline went something like this:
- After we were “serious”, rather than just casually dating, Aditya let his parents know that there was a new girl in his life who happened to be white. This was partly because he didn’t want to keep secrets from his family (they’re all quite close), and partly because he couldn’t have even if he had wanted to.***
- Over the following months Aditya slowly informed his parents about me. He started with the facts that his parents would want to know about a prospective bride – not because we were engaged at the time, but because in Indian culture the idea of just “dating” is rather new. I was a math and economics major (good job prospects!), was planning on getting a Ph.D (values education!), loved Indian food, was taking a Hinduism class, and had grown up in a very diverse area (open to Indian culture!). A number of his comments were meant to address misconceptions that his parents might have had about Americans and American culture, since they had never been to the US. The main purpose of these conversations was to give his parents ways to understand and relate easily to me.
- Later, I was introduced to Aditya’s older brother, Dada, and his wife, Bhabi. They’re significantly closer in age to Aditya and I than his parents, and had been living in the US (conveniently only a few miles away from my dad’s house) for some months, so it was a pretty easy meeting - or, at least, less stressful than meeting the parents. While I was nervous, I at least had an idea of what to talk about with them, and could even offer a bit of advice on things to do and see in the area. On our first meeting I think we went out to a South Indian restaurant where I could display my naan-tearing skills and ability to handle spicy food. After the meeting Dada and Bhabi were, of course, interrogated by Aditya’s mother (or so I’m told). This, again, allowed Aditya’s parents to gain more information about me before our big meeting, and therefore become more used to the idea of a white girl dating their boy. I’m all about the slow acclimation.
Meeting Maa
After all that work, it’s rather ironic that I first met one of Aditya’s parents while our relationship was “on a break”. Typical relationship troubles - fighting and the like - had led us to call it quits, at least for a little while. But we were still maintaining a tenuous friendship, and it happened that I was in California visiting my dad at the same time his mother was visiting Dada. Aditya was in California too, and he had to drop something off or pick something up from me - I forget which now. Anyways, he had his brother drive by my dad’s house for the pick up/drop off, and Maa came along to briefly meet this girl that her son had been dating.
Let me tell you, the best way to meet a significant other’s parents is when you’re no longer dating. There’s absolutely no stress, since there’s no real reason to worry if they’ll like you or not. In my case I remember coming out to meet them at the car, dressed in old jeans and a wrinkled over-sized white shirt that I’d stolen from a male Bangladeshi friend. I think my hair was still wet from a shower. I exchanged a few words with Aditya’s mother through the car window - said hello, inquired after her health and what she thought of the the US, and then they drove away (after picking up/dropping off whatever the heck it was). And that was it. Simple, no?
Afterwards I learned, to my immense delight, that Maa had immediately liked me (why, I have no idea - perhaps my excellent taste in stolen shirts). In fact, she started telling Aditya that he shouldn’t have let me get away, and that he should try to get back into a relationship with me, asap. And eventually we did, of course, although I can’t tell you if it was because of Maa’s prompting or not. Still, major ego boost when I finally heard about all this.
Meeting Baba
A couple of months after my first meeting with Maa, Aditya and I were back in a relationship, and back in California. I ended up visiting with Maa several times before I met Baba. They were fairly short meetings, always with Aditya present. Ginger tea was typically served (delicious), along with biscuits or samosas (my favorite Indian snack, but Maa didn’t know that at the time), and we’d hesitantly talk about the weather, California, and my studies, or play a board game. We both were, and to some extent are, rather shy in our conversations. Basically, we’re both afraid of saying the wrong thing and offending the other. Aditya is greatly amused by this.
My first meeting with Baba was very different from these visits with Maa. This is partly because of Baba’s personality - think friendly, easy-going ex-Army officer - and partly because I cleverly brought my family’s huge golden lab, Bear, with me to the meeting. See, Aditya’s family absolutely adore dogs, and Bear loves people and walks. Bringing the dog was a strategic move on my part: the attention would be on Bear, not me. It worked wonderfully. Baba even brought out the camera to take a picture of Bear wandering around Dada’s house. We talked about dogs for awhile, got some water for the pooch, and then I continued on my walk with Bear. Again, the actual event was far less stressful than what I had imagined. And I again attribute this mainly to my inlaws’ coolness: their main concern was that I made their son happy.
Why I think it went well
I’ve already addressed how important I think the groundwork Aditya and I did was, but I’d like to emphasize it again. By the time I met my future inlaws I had a large base of knowledge about Indian culture to draw on, which helped me to pick up on subtle clues and social cues that I might have missed otherwise. I was comfortable entering - or at least stopping by - in the Indian world Maa and Baba live in. That sort of ease just can’t be faked, and, trust me, people do pick up on it.
At the first and subsequent meetings, I made efforts to discuss and do the things I knew I had in common with Maa & Baba. If your significant other is close to his or her family, it’s likely that they posses some of the same traits and interests that originally attracted you to your partner. For instance, Aditya and I both hail from families that play a lot of board and card games - we played them while casually dating, and I played them with his parents during our first few meetings. I know I raised myself a few notches in Baba’s estimation when I picked up their family card game, Twenty nine, with relative ease. Bear’s charming doggy nature (and the good training he displayed) also scored me a couple of points. These are little things, but they help dispel the “otherness” that parents might be uncomfortable with when faced with an intercultural relationship.
I plan to discuss in more general terms the reasonable and rational concerns parents may have about intercultural relationships soonish. I’ve glossed over some of the concerns Maa and Baba had, due to length, so be sure to check out that post if you’re interested in hearing more on this topic.
***Long story here. Short version: I had recently been hospitalized, and then was in a wheelchair for a good month. Aditya was over at my place all the time helping me out, pushing me to classes, and generally being an awesome boyfriend. This meant he would have missed a lot of his parents’ phone calls, and his frat brothers couldn’t cover for him forever. Rather than worry his parents, it was easier to just tell them to call my room’s phone, and explain the circumstances. They were glad he was looking after me like a proper gentleman. By the end of the whole ordeal we were a lot closer, and I could do awesome wheelies.
[?] Share ThisIf you enjoyed this post - or hated it - I'd love to hear your comments, so leave one below!
If you found Gori Girl interesting, consider subscribing to the Gori Girl feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader. You can also subscribe to the comments feed.
Previous Post: I’m Dreaming of FIOS Internet…
Next Post: Indian Wedding Story: Part One
Comments
GG this was an absolutely wonderful post!! I have tried to encourage people many, many times to DO THEIR HOMEWORK before leaping into Indian parent meetings. I am going to have to disagree with you on one point, and that is how you worried your social weirdness might have been problematic for the parent meeting. Please. YOU have an innate awesomeness which is communicated through your willingness to open yourself to Indian culture. Indian parents are not immune to knowing your genuineness, smarts, and your positive attitude in embracing the culture.
Again, this is just a great story and comes at a perfect time when sentiment about inter-cultural relationships and identity keeps taking a downward plunge on other corners of the web. 
You know what I mean.
Great post! I love what you write about seeing the “same traits and interests that originally attracted you to your partner” in his or her parents. That what tickles me the most about spending time with M’s parents - I keep seeing elements of him in them. His dad tells stories the exact same way that he does - with these long, drawn-out pauses, and he and his mom have a very similar sense of humor. When you start seeing and appreciating those familiar traits, all the cultural differences start to fade into the background.
I was really nervous to meet M’s parents for the first time, but it turned out just fine. I totally agree with the suggestion to do research and prepare for the meeting. And I think that would be true for meeting any potential in-laws even if they are of the same culture. It’s just that when you’re in an intercultural relationship, you have a little more homework to do.
I’m now having fun watching M’s parents prepare to meet my parents next week. They are *so* nervous! I keep telling them that my parents are nervous too and that they have nothing to worry about. It’s kind of fun to see them going through the same thing I did before meeting them, and I’m touched by how much they care about making a good impression on my family. They’re doing their research too!
My own twice-postponed parent meeting will probably actually occur this weekend. I keep trying to think of them like my mom always said about bees: “They’re as afraid of you as you are of them.”
I met them once before under non-ideal circumstances - kind of a “guess who’s coming to dinner” thing, literally. Now I don’t know if it’s my guy’s idea or his parents’ idea to get together, but at least they know beforehand that I will be there.
His mom “wants to see what I will make for dinner.” Oh heavens.
Oh how I love the love-fests going on here…ahhh there is definitely a palpable sense of hope around here!!!!
We can validate and support you, PD! It’s not an easy road, but can be filled with many good things… 
@ Mirchi: I get what you’re saying, and I totally agree. Be yourself, and if “yourself” includes some parts of your partner’s culture, feel free to show that part off. Like how I wore the Bangladeshi shirt without thinking about it, because it’s one of my favorite shirts. At the same time, it’s good to meet your partner’s family halfway by showing that you respect their culture, even if it’s not your own. It’s a bit of a balancing act, really.
I also agree with your point that parents are human too. My MIL is still nervous of making a mistake with her English around me because she doesn’t want *me* to think less of *her*!
@ Neokalypso: I have no idea how to respond to your compliments because of, well, my social awkwardness. 
Thanks! (I really am awkward, though. I’m going to end up being that weird professor who flips phrases and stutters and goes off on random tangents that all the students giggle about in the back of the class. Thank goodness that’s par for course in academia!)
@ CaliforniaTransplant: Glad to hear that the meeting went well. It’s cute to hear that his parents are now worried about meeting yours - I know that my inlaws tried very hard to show my mom & uncle a good time while they were in Calcutta.
@ galaxie: I’ve got my fingers crossed for you! The first meal I made for my now-inlaws was very spicy spaghetti. It’s a dish I’ve been making since high school, and could probably make with my eyes closed - simple, healthy, and tasty. I used chicken as a meat (no pork or beef for Maa & Baba), but ground turkey would have been a better choice, I imagine. I’d suggest you make something that you’re familiar with - no sense in stressing out about the meeting AND the food.
@ Pale_Desi: I’d say I understand your worries, but, frankly, I can’t, since I’ve never been in your situation before, and can’t properly imagine what it must be like. I do hope that things work out, though!
Thing is, my vegetarianism is recent enough that I don’t have many “company” dishes yet. I live by myself, I mostly cook for just myself. When people come over, I make attempts at Indian food, because that’s the bulk of what I know how to make.
Ooo, maybe I will make those tamales I was talking about earlier, so I don’t even have to worry about cooking Saturday. That would be sweet.
Hi GG, I’ve been lurking a bit trying to catch up on post. 6mile and NK recommended, along with some comments I’d been reading on CBC’s site..hehehe Anyway, I LIKED what you had to say here. It is wonderful advice and well said, thanks for the information because for some of us, err me, I am very inexperienced with the whole dating scene, much less with the intercultural/interracial relationship thing. Like you, I had searched for information on the net..and there was basically NONE.
For your spicy spaghetti, what did you add if you don’t mind my asking. I tried making it with ground turkey because for a while, and still at times, I can’t handle anything that has a lot of natural/added grease/oil/fat in it (thanks to the good ‘ole gallbladder). Mine just did NOT taste right for some reason. Perhaps I just didn’t use the right ground turkey, but I always add the spicy italian seasoning plus extra stuff to my sauce. Thanks again!
You know what worked for me? Meeting my ILs for the first when I was 18 and a freshman in college with no sense of the “proper” way to do things, LOL. Seriously, when I first met G’s parents, we were in a college-type serious relationship (exclusive, but in no way thinking about marriage), and we hadn’t even really discussed his culture so I knew next to nothing about Indians (G was born and raised here, so it’s pretty easy to forget that he’s technically from a different culture). I’m sure that I did all the wrong things then, like not bringing a gift when I first went to their house and not talking to them a whole lot — I’m pretty quiet and while G lived there, he and I usually just met up at their house and went elsewhere to hang out. However, by virtue of being around for so long — we were together almost 8 years when we got engaged — and just because they’re such nice people, G’s parents have overlooked any gaffes I may have committed at the beginning and have completely welcomed me into the family.
Oh, and to clarify — my ILs were always very nice to me and liked me. However, we had *kind of* a standoffish relationship at first because we didn’t spend too much time together, but now we’re pretty close.
@ galaxie: tamales sound good. I love Mexican food - well, really, anything that’s spicy.
@ ara: thanks for stopping by here. I’m afraid that I won’t be a big help with a spaghetti recipe, because I’m one of those cooks who goes to the spice rack, sniffs stuff, and if it smells good, throws some in. But, let’s see…
Turkey doesn’t have a lot of flavor, so you need to compensate with other things. I start by chopping up at least one whole onion, and about a full bulb of garlic and cooking those two with a spoonful of olive oil. After a few minutes I’ll add in the meat, and immediately dump a bunch of spices - mostly black pepper, red pepper flakes or cayenne powder, and some traditional “Italian” herbs - basil, thyme, and parsley - onto the meat. After the meat has mostly, but not completely browned, I’ll add in the tomato sauce/paste (I rarely have time to make everything from scratch), along with fresh tomatoes, sliced mushrooms, perhaps more onions (Aditya says I like onions more than anyone in his family, except his Punjabi sister-in-law). Then I’ll let it all cook together on low heat for *at least* 20 minutes, and add spices on occasion if it doesn’t smell right.
If that isn’t much help (I know some cooks prefer precise instructions), I’ll try to measure things next time I cook pasta (which will probably be in the next week or so).
@ D - I’m glad that your meeting with the in-laws went well, and that your relationship now is great. If you stick around long enough, these things tend to work out. I didn’t bring a gift either (unless a visit by Bear counts).
Hey, success! There’s a hell of a language barrier though. The day after my guy’s family visited I spent the afternoon learning to write in Gujarati.
I think it is an excellent idea to try and pick up some of your mate’s native tongue. Because, if you have kids, I think you’ll definitely want to know EXACTLY what THEY are saying if they’ve learned both yours and your spouses native languages. And at least being able to understand most of it, even if you can’t speak or write it, would be a tremendous benefit to you both
lol @ the socially awkardness.. me too!! i’m a desi born and raised in canada, so not exactly the same situation. love love love your stories. also, i’m an academic in training too!
Good post. You make some great points that most people do not fully understand.
“As an academic-in-training, I’ve come to value good research. Well, actually, I’ve always valued research – I believe the technical term I heard as a child was “bookworm.” (This is where the lack of social skills stems from.) After Aditya and I decided we were “serious”, I started in on studying up on both India and intercultural relationships. Initially this was meant to help my relationship with Aditya, but it sure paid off when it came to meeting his parents.”
I like how you explained that. Very helpful. Thanks.
@ara0062: I never thought about having any future kids use another language as a code against one parent, but it’s a frightening possibility! Yet another reason to learn your partner’s language.
@ cio_cio_san: I’m glad you like the blog! What are you studying, if you don’t mind me asking?
@ Evaine: Welcome! I’m glad my explanation made sense to you.
Ironically, I found your blog because I googled meeting his parents desi. I’m Pakistani and in an interfaith relationship with an Indian whose parents recently found out about our relationship. I have to say I am incredibly jealous and at the same time glad for you as to how well things turned out when you met your partner’s parents.
I’m incredibly shy and quiet and the prospect of his parents is completely terrifying to me. Added to the fact that we had wanted to wait at least another few months before we told them about us, this has sort of taken us by surprise. (His mother found the 1 year anniversary card I gave him when he moved back after finishing his undergrad a few days ago). Sigh. well, wish me luck!
I’m currently working on my own research and am also picking his brain about his family and things that would be helpful to know.
I really enjoyed reading your post and will be sure to keep checking in on your blog now! =)
My guy’s parents slowly got used to the idea of me, but this weekend was the first time I’d been to their house. His dad was away for business, but his mom hung out with us and we talked a bit. Her English is iffy, but it was ok. The weirdest part was when I helped her clean up after dinner and she was adamant that “Indian men no clean up, only make money.” My guy said later that he was surprised by how big a deal she made of that - maybe she was trying to set a “good example” for my modernized, can’t-take-care-of-a-man self.
galaxie, that’s hilarious! I wonder what she would think of my husband — he’s a full time student and he does the dishes every night. Glad to hear that things are going well for you.
She might also be trying to break my guy of his girly habits - he likes cooking and she is apparently scandalized by this. His approach is generally to just pretend she is not talking if she tries to stop him from making some vegetables or whatever. Or he points out that he is actually a better cook than his sister, and then she has to give in and agree.
@ Madeeha: Sorry for the late reply, but welcome anyways! I imagine that meeting the parents in a situation such as yours would be stressful, and even more so since you weren’t quite planning for it yet. Please let us know how it goes!
@ galaxie: I’m glad that your at-home meeting went well. I hope that Aditya doesn’t read your comment though - he doesn’t need “permission” from an auntie to shrink any more household chores than he currently does (not that I’m any better… *grin*).
The men in my family were awesome cooks. I cook, clean, wash and change diapers. Hey, it is the 21st century!
I found this blog very interesting. I find myself in a similar situation though it is quite unexpected. I am half-Indian myself and grew up in India. I am getting married to an Indian guy now and its interesting that in spite of living in India my whole life the differences we come across. His family is quite traditional and mine is not. I am also quite a feminist so that does not always go down well. For e.g. we haven’t broken it to his parents yet that I will be keeping my name.
Leave a comment
If you'd like to keep track of future comments on this post, consider subscribing to the comments feed of Gori Girl by clicking here.
Thats such a sweet story! Its cute hearing how ya
Aditya took good care of you, and about your FIL
loving board games and dogs.
You are probably getting to this, but I also think
people should remember they are just human too! They
are nervous too, and not sure how to react or what
kind of things you will like. I think they generally
be themselves and hope for the best. This is what I
feel is best for the American counterpart as well.
As opposed to trying to “appear” more Indian, just be yourself! (Obviously, I dont mean to have disregard
to Indian customs of respect.)
Im also not saying you are trying to appear Indian,
not AT ALL, please dont get me wrong. I think when
people are genuinely interested in Indian things its
great. I hope you understand what I mean