Like a Wheel in Motion: My Second Indian Wedding
NeoKalypso, my wonderful guest contributer, tells of her experiences at a friend’s wedding.
After a wonderful summer full of jungle hikes, tasty SE Asia food, and plenty of other adventures with R, I was blessed to top it all off in the most perfect way with my friend CT’s weddingYep, that’s right, our very own CaliforniaTransplant and I are friends in real life. After sharing so many similar perspectives on intercultural relationships we decided we had to meet. Our friendship blossomed and I volunteered to help her in any way I could on the day of her Gujurati Indian wedding ceremony. She took me up on it, sent me about a two page “script” and I was ready to help!
From there…magic unfolded. The gods graced us with their presence…
Treading in the Temple
As I am forever paranoid about being late, I was the first one to arrive to the temple last Sunday. When no one was there, a small Indian man who took care of the temple told me to take a look in the main temple area. He told me to look at all the small details of the gods’ faces: Shiva, Krishna, Hanuman, and Ganesh all looked at me in serene, dignified ways. As I roamed around the temple I began to feel like I was back in India again…and it’s the same old stuff…time slips away, you feel as if something bigger than yourself is about to occur, and, a forever paradox of Indian, the calm came too. I knew it was going to be a special day.
When the guys came to set up chairs, I did so as well in my gagra. R bought me the gagra from Malaysia and I had it form fitted there, too. It was pink, blue and sparkly all over. This time I knew just how many bangles to wear, what to do with the scarf, how to do my hair, what shoes to wear, and how to hold myself. I felt like a regal princess (which is not a common feeling for me 
) and the pattern, design, and feel of the gagra also made me feel apart of something old and special. This feeling was heightened when guests started trickling in and the Aunties commented on my appearance. They seemed very pleased and I commented back on their loveliness. I’ve never been big on what I wear, but wearing traditional Indian clothes really makes me feel like I’m a part of something bigger and better. It also makes me feel very connected to the other woman wearing their saris and gagras. I even started to critique other people (mostly the non-Indians) on how they were wearing their saris and if it was the proper way or not. Regardless of it was “right” or not, I loved that people were trying to be an even more intimate part of the Indian community, the ceremony, and the tremendous union CT and her husband M now share.
After setting up the chairs, I followed CT’s instructions on setting up the memorial, gift, and food tables. This is when I met The Uncles. M’s Uncles were amazing…they told me they set up these Indian ceremony’s four times a year and were running all around making sure everything would be very nice for CT and M. They took so much pride in doing this. We all kind of worked together, joked about who was going to owe who rupees for the set up, and really enjoyed our work for the ceremony. I accused L Uncle of eating all the pakoras–which earned some laughs. Helping out, running around, and commiserating with the Uncles never felt like a chore. The ceremony set up wasn’t about the “things” or making everything look exactly perfect. It wasn’t about stressing out, nerves, or being overly emotional. Though everyone was running around and busy, it felt very even, cool, and…fun! Later, it would dawn on me that the Uncles and I were just fulfilling the natural duty we owe one another as family and friends…a notion I have found most pure and effortlessly managed in Indian culture.
As CT floated around talking to people she was at ease, calm, beautiful, and full of grace. And that was even before the ceremony began.
CT introduced me to one of her older Gujurati Uncles who married an American woman in 1968. As he held my hands, I got a few tears in my eyes. CT told me his American bride even wore a sari. I felt bound to him in some way because, as many of you know, R and I have been navigating through our relationship very much conscious of his conservative, traditional Indian family. Not one of his 200 family members has married outside of his specific Telugu Indian culture—ok wait, one: to a Gujarat. Anyway, it was incredibly inspiring to meet someone of the same culture (in the larger Indian sense) who tread this path decades before us. Beyond this wonderful Uncle, there were several Indian/American unions at CT and M’s wedding. Of course I chatted it up with a few…and they all made it feel…so normal. It was relieving, inspiring, and just filled me with so much hope. I joked with R that we have to catch his Telugus up to M’s Gujarats!
Tracing Ancient Steps
The ceremony was exquisite. There were rose petals, walks around the fire, the string that symbolically bound CT and M together, advice given by married ladies, and of course, the handing off of CT to M. CT told me she felt so alive and in the present as the Gor Maharaj addressed her and M personally and candidly throughout the ceremony. The Uncles were very concerned about the non-Indians feeling comfortable and prompted me when I needed to explain something to them. Though the guests got up as they pleased, snacked on Indian food, and chatted throughout, the ceremony never felt chaotic or irreverent. Frankly, it felt just the opposite. The day was about easing into a ceremony Indians have perpetuated for thousands of years, absorbing the powerful rituals, being bound to a community, and understanding our duties as husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers. And it was about…communing with the gods.
Learning the Path
When R and I were traveling this summer, around week four, and while laying in a dirty hostel bed, it dawned on us how lucky and blessed we had been to be able to share so much time together laughing, bonding, and knowing each other so much more deeply. It was during this realization, that for the first time, something clicked, and I knew an aspect of Hinduism intuitively. I said out loud, “We must please the gods now.” R looked at me curiously and smiled in one of his mysterious ways I don’t quite understand yet. He said, “Yes when good things happen to you, you must not boast or be prideful…you could alert the gods and upset them with your pride.” And I said, “We now have to be thankful, humble ourselves, and give back…” I then totally got it. I really knew what karma meant inside of me and it felt incredible. I decided our next trip should be to volunteer.
So if I can offer one, small piece of advice to CT and M it is this: because you had the most beautiful, deeply moving ceremony you must continue to please the gods. You must do good, be humble and thankful for this incredible blessing because it was a gift.
The good feeling of CT and M’s wedding day is still lingering inside of me. It was one of the best ceremonies that I have ever been able to play a small part in and witness. One of the most touching parts for me was when M’s dad came up to me after the ceremony, held my hands, looked at me in a calm, serious Indian way I have come to know, and said, “You are more than a sister to CT and to our family. You did such a good job helping us, thank you so much. Thank you so, so much.” More than feeling appreciated for my efforts, I felt connected and that I played my part in a drama much larger than my own, individual life. His expressed gratitude was simply the byproduct of doing what I was supposed to be doing, of the role I was supposed to play.
The whole day reminded me that, yes…we are here to be serious about living, to fulfill a purpose, a duty, and through our own human symbols, tap in to a love that is something much bigger, however intangible, than ourselves. As my American individualist notions are starting to shift inside me, I am learning, and more importantly, feeling, what it is like to surrender your needs for the bigger community…the bigger myths. And it feels wonderful. The food, clothing, music, rituals, symbols…and people…of the Indian tradition directly connect me to this notion. What a great tradition to be a part of. It is one I am honored to begin to really know and feel working in my life.
(I feel so guilty for neglecting the blog after getting a wonderful submission like this. Check back late tonight/early tomorrow morning for a post of my own. - Gori Girl)
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Comments
(I commented before and I think it was eaten by the Internet. If this is a double post, I apologize!)
NK - What a beautiful post. You captured the spirit of the event wonderfully.
CT (when you return) - Congratulations! I know you and M will have a joyful life together. And, selfishly, I hope you share some pictures with us!
There does seem to be some sort of problem with the comments. If something doesn’t post guys, just try it again. - Gori Girl
Thank you for the beautiful post, NK! I just went to a family event and L Uncle and the others are still talking about how impressed they were with your hard work! And M and I are definitely taking your advice to heart.
And thanks, D! I’m working on getting some pics up and a recap. I’ll post a link when I get them up. I had three events during our wedding weekend - a mehendi/bachelorette party, a Raas-Garba, and the wedding ceremony/reception, and M and I had the time of our lives at each of them (thanks in huge part to the incredible work of NK!). The best part was having so many people that we love involved.
It’s great to be married, although I keep looking at M and saying “You’re my husband! That’s so weeeeeeeird!” But weird in a truly wonderful way.
Yeah!!! I’m so glad everyone is back…now we just need D to pop in!
CT, you SOOO give me WAYYY to much credit..crazy bride! But I will take you up on that dinner at M’s parents house…let me know when and where!!!
Yes, I’m here! I’m also glad to have everyone back.
CT - G and I called each other “husband” and “wife” and promptly burst into fits of giggles for several months after getting married. It’s such a great thing to have to get used to!
CaliforniaTransplant - congratualations again on your marriage! And welcome to newlywed life. 
It sounds like you had a lovely, traditional ceremony - I hope the veil worked out for you *grin*. Please let me know when you get your pictures gathered up and if you want to share: I’ll make a post to make sure everyone notices (if you’re okay with that).
NeoKalypso, I’ve taken awhile to comment on this post because, well, it’s been difficult for me to figure out what exactly I want to say about your narrative. Besides of course, that I think it’s a great post, and a lovely story.
I guess I’d sum it up by saying that, while my Hindu wedding was very meaningful to me, I didn’t feel a presence of “the gods”. That’s probably because I’m an athesit/pantheist, and, to paraphrase Douglas Adams, I don’t feel the need to believe in the faries in the garden to appreciate nature’s beauty. (Don’t mean to offend anyone with that statement, but I’ve found it best expresses my opinion on the matter.)
So, for me, the gods, or pleasing them, aren’t a part of my mindset. Traditions and scriptures, for me, are only useful so far as they help me understand the world around me, and focus my mind as I need it to. I guess I’m just very analytical. I should probably make a post about what happens when a rational humanist meets the over-the-top faith which is Hinduism - they actually mesh quite well, which I don’t think many would guess.
Wow, that is really fascinating, D. And absolutely no offense taken! I’m sure we would all LOVE to hear about your experience/alternative perspective.
It never ceases to amaze me how interesting, thoughtful, and bright we GoriGirl’s are!
At heart, and on my good days, I’m kind of a spiritual romantic, a wannabe mystic, a believer in an ineffable, unseen order…so aspects of Hinduism do tap into that for me. I’d be ever curious about other experiences…
NK - sounds like you had a rocking time , hehe, Your number should be coming up pretty soon , maybe you can have a traditional Andhra wedding, hehe.
CT - I wish you a blissful and happy married life. :).
GG - I think hinduism is already a mesh :P. I think the world would be a better place, if we replaced over the top faith with some religious humanism/theosophy.
Thanks, GG and 6mile!
GG, I’ll definitely let you know when I’m ready with pics to share - I’m still waiting for our pro pics (especially the ones taken of my veil ;)).
As far as the “presence of the gods” at my wedding, I did feel them in so much as I really love the aspect of Hinduism that teaches that god is present in all people. My favorite part of the ceremony was Mangal Phera. M and I circled around the fire and all of our friends and family approached the mandap and threw rose petals to bless us. As I looked out into the sea of faces of these wonderful people who represent various parts of our lives and whom we love very deeply while they were actively participating in (and clearly enjoying) the ritual of binding the two of us together, I did feel very strongly that we were graced by the presence of the gods - the gods that reside in each and every one of them. In fact, I felt that the whole way through the ceremony - that without them there, without the people that we love and the presence of the god within them, our ceremony would not have had quite the same meaning or depth.
I’m a former agnostic and am now a currently a practicing Hindu (I attend a weekly meeting of devotees), and I’ve been surprised at the extent to which Hinduism has meshed with the beliefs I already had (although I have my occasionally moments of - “I can’t buy this!” or “That doesn’t make any sense to me!”, but I’ve learned that’s really okay - even to say out loud). I think my passion for Greek mythology as a child prepared me to fall head over heels for the beauty and abstraction of the Hindu gods. I always like hearing others’ perspectives though (and I don’t offend easily at all).
My experience at my wedding was similar to GG’s and CT’s: I felt an overwhelming sense of love from everyone present. I also don’t subscribe to any particular religion, so I wouldn’t call it the presence of the gods, but I see how a more religious person would call it that. Despite not having the religious overtones, though, I felt that the sense of love and happiness that we all shared that day made the wedding and our ensuing marriage that much more special.
At our wedding the family didn’t gently throw rose petals - they armed themselves with carnation buds to pelt us with. Apparently it was payback for a few weddings Aditya’s participated in. Luckily he took most of the direct hits.
Hey, if anyone’s still interested, my husband *finally* posted our wedding video preview and pictures online. You can see them here:
http://www.staceyandmilan.com/
The video starts playing immediately, and there’s a tab to get to the pictures. Brownie points to anybody who can identify the video’s song and can find the mango lassi fountain in all the pictures. If you’re savvy enough, you may even spot NK! (Hope you’re okay with that, NK!) And Gori, there’s a close-up of my veil dedicated to you.
If anyone wants to put comments on the video/pictures site, feel free to do so - you will make my husband the happiest person in the world (unless of course they are mean comments and we have to take them down.)
I’ve also created a recap and posted pics of my mehndi party and our raas-garba on my less than impressive new blog:
http://californiatransplant.wordpress.com/
I’m hoping to get up a recap of our wedding ceremony so I can remember it when I’m old and feeble, but haven’t gotten around to it yet. So stay tuned!
Hope everyone is well! Happy Diwali!!!
Thanks, NK! And thanks for your comment on my video and pics site, SF! If you don’t mind me being really nosy, how are you feeling? When’s the baby due? I’d love an update!
CT, what a gorgeous video and pics! You had a beautiful wedding day. (I spotted NK, who also looked great!)
I don’t mind in the slightest - in fact, S. & I just had the 20-week ultrasound earlier this morning, where we were informed that the baby’s growth is exactly on target, that there are no obvious problems… and that it is most definitely a girl!
Officially, she’s due April 2 - but I’m hoping for April 1. 5 months down, 5 more to go!! Things feel pretty good right now, though - the nausea’s pretty much gone, but I’m not all that big yet (no way I could even come close to buttoning my normal work slacks, but I can still wear my old sweats ok), so it’s a pretty nice part now. And I can feel her (no more it!) moving really frequently - she’s an active one!
Thanks, D! I’m glad you spotted NK - her gagra was really beautiful!
And SF, congrats - a girl! How exciting! And possibly an April’s Fool’s Baby! I love it! I’m glad things are going well and that your nausea is gone.
My Matron of Honor (who’s also in an intercultural marriage - she’s Taiwanese, her husband’s white) was 6 months pregnant at my wedding and just gave birth this week to her second son (her first son was our ring bearer). So cute!!! And I’m relishing my role as auntie to my one year old niece (half-Indian, half-white and completely adorable). We are learning how to count in Gujarati together. It’s nice to have someone around who’s vocab is about the same as mine, although she’s probabaly got me beat by a few words.
Learning along side kids is the best! I used to work at a Spanish-English daycare in high school, and I loved it - in addition to their speaking just my speed, I could keep them entertained for hours letting them try to teach me colors and body parts in Spanish and mixing them up in silly ways….
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That is a gorgeous description of what sounds like a gorgeous event!