Comments on: Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part One)

By: Manohar

Manohar — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 05:54:02 +0000

No matter what generalization one can reasonably make, I am sure most readers here would be quite aware that, it changes from individuals to individuals.

I know one case, The guy is a syrian Christians from Kerala who is married to a girl from Texas. She was already tuned to Indian culture from Bollywood movies and what not..but she was so disappointed when she went to Kerala with her husband and found a disapproving in laws. Of course they now live by themselves with their kid happily as a family minus the in laws.

Go figure.

By: Manohar

Manohar — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 05:45:10 +0000

I just want to post about this myth that Bengalies are somehow speical in that they are liberal and what not… that may be true in the context of some UP wallas or Biharis.

But when it comes to people from the South, Kerala, Tamil Nadu, Karnataka, Goa or even Punjab, they are way ahead of Bengalis.

In general that is. Individuals obviously would wary from family to family.

In fact I would wager that “Max Mulers wife” is most likely a Bengali. An Anti Hindu sentiment is very common from those parts.

By: Ritu

Ritu — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:36:05 +0000

First, let me say that I really enjoyed reading this interview and some of your other posts. Keep up the good work. Secondly I am a Bengali from India and your parents-in-law sound exactly like everyone I know of that generation and social class including my parents. They are obviously really nice people. As part of the bengali “bhadraloks” or upper/middle class educated , professional strata they are possibly more “liberal” or “open-minded” that many Indians from other regions as someone has suggested. Having said all that and also keeping in mind that I absolutely do not agree with the WAY she said it ,MMDP (or whoever she is) does seem to make a valid point which is that in most Indian parents’ case – even the more liberal bengali ones – premarital sex is a strict no-no. And thus any pre-marital “relationship” such as bf/gf, even when readily accepted, has to come off as completely/extremely platonic. I think “bad intentions” pretty much means “no sex” for most bengali/indian parents. That does not mean anything negative – it just means they are a product of their time and space – as we ALL our to varied extents.Also another important factor and your p-i-l make this comment several times is that the relationship should not conflict with the primary goal of education/grades/career etc. Again nothing wrong with it – but just to clarify. To a certain extent , and I say this with all humility and respect for that generation, there are some hyprocrticial double standards which our parents exhibit that I feel is something for us to think about.
I would like to add that I do not approve of everything the other lady said or the way she said it. Just that very generically speaking [not applicable to special subgroups] but very generically “dating”,”gf/bf”,”relationships” etc. have a very different tone in India vs the standard definition of these terms in the so called “western” cultures.

By: Glenn

Glenn — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:05:15 +0000

I feel for you because I’m well aware about the pressures put on people to succeed in India. I grew up in Bombay where the pressure to appear successful in other people’s eye was intense. I hope the man you love can resist societal pressure and see the treasure he has in your love. Once most Indian parents see you for who you are rather then your nationality, they tend to be accepting. The fiancee visa would be the best option. Unless he already has a visa to come here for work so you could marry up here. Though, marriage was easier in my case, because I’m not the typical Indian who cares about family or societal norms. My wife is an American and I went to school here, so am well aware about running around immigration.

By: Gori Girl

Gori Girl — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:02:38 +0000

Step, my post on first meeting Aditya's parents can be found here - but I don't think I included a timeline there. I met Aditya's mother a little over two years after we had started dating (however, we weren't actually dating at the time I met her!), and then I met Aditya's father about 4 months after that.

By: Steph

Steph — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:55:40 +0000

This is a great entry, to read the view of the parents. I haven’t been reading that long, but how long were you together before he introduced you to them?

By: GoriGirl

GoriGirl — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:06:11 +0000

Hi JaneDoe666 - I've set up a section in the forums here for individuals to share their personal stories and ask for advice - otherwise comments like yours often get lost at the bottom of a post & people don't see it. I encourage you to repost your story there (email me at gorigirl.admin@gmail.com if you have any troubles registering for the forum), so you'll get more responses.

By: janedoe666

janedoe666 — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:07:09 +0000

After reading everyone's comments, thought that someone could give me advice on my situation.
I am in love with a guy that is Hindu. When we met, he was working in US on an H1B Visa & at that time I was unemployed. Then he got laid off because of the economy his consulting agency did not find him another project in USA so he had to return to Delhi. It has been 2 weeks since he has left & we had just begun dating, like only 2 months, but we fell deeply in love. He said he felt comfortable falling in love with me because he thought we had time to be together. On our first date I thought I had asked all the right questions, most importantly, “Will your parents accept me?” He said “yes, they are modern parents”. But I did not know about H1B visa so I did not ask that. But when he found out he was returning, he got depressed and stopped being physical with me because he did not want to hurt me in case he can't stay. But we were together alot up until the day he left. I said that I would marry him for legal reasons so he would not have to leave and if we worked out, we could go to India & have legitimate Hindu wedding & if it didn't we could get it annulled. He would have no part in that whatsoever because he is afraid of his parents reaction, mainly using me to get a green card. Also he thought that we would have more time for me to know his parents and vice versa. Then I offered to bring him back on a fiance visa and he will not do that either, even if it is just for legal reasons, again he said “no” because of what his parents would think. So now we are trying desperately to get him a job that will transfer his H1B Visa to get him back over here so that we can be together. But in this economy, it has not been easy, especially since he does not have an “in-demand” job skill right now. During our short time together, I could tell how much he was in love with me and I fell totally in love with him & could feel how “once in a lifetime” our love could be, if given the chance. But it has to be on his terms. On one hand he tells me not to wait for him but on the other hand he says things that indicate we are going to be together again, he will return to US & that I am his hope. I have found that I can't talk to him about “us” because his mind is so focused on his situation & he's depressed about his situation. So I follow his lead & respect his wishes and don't push him. I told him that I will be here for him when he returns & he likes that I said this & he told me he wants to continue where we left off before he lost his job. I know this is a “once in a lifetime” love & I know he knows it also. We are still very close & talk EVERY day on the phone. And I have also begun to convert to Hinduism, which I had began before I met him. Also, I find that he only talks about his religion when he is in the mood and has refused to answer questions about his caste and sect. I have told him that his parents do not live his life & he said that the “parents” thing is cultural and that he will not lie to his parents & I told him I totally respect that. But then i found out he lied to his parents about him being laid off of his job, at first. I know I can't push him too much so I have learned when to back off.
I am just so upset over this whole situation because I feel that he is the one for me and we could have something great if we weren't split up by this horrible job thing & he knows this also, but won't go against what his parents will not approve of.

Can someone please help me to make sense of what is cultural things about the way he is acting or if it is just pride, or a little of both. I need some insight. Also, He is 30 years old.

By: neokalypso

neokalypso — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 01:24:31 +0000

This was really great! Really enjoyed it.

By: GoriGirl

GoriGirl — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:56:06 +0000

Hi hopefulgal, I'm glad that the blog has been helpful you – sharing stories (and sometimes advice) so that others in intercultural relationships can hear both the good & the bad is why I started this blog. I hope your boyfirend's mother lightens up a bit – if you want to share more, perhaps you could start a thread in the forums section?

By: hopefulgal

hopefulgal — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:37:35 +0000

Hello. This is the first time I posted a comment to this site but been reading your post for about four months now. I find your site to be very helpful and I don't feel alone dealing with an intercultural realtionship. Not everyone understands what we are going through. I'm so jealous of your inlaws! I'm Asian and in a relationship with my indian bf for quite some time. His mom doesn't approve of our relationship and its taking a toll on us. Your very lucky to have an open minded and understanding in laws! It makes a lot of difference.

By: ShyamSunder

ShyamSunder — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 10:27:35 +0000

Most Indians depend on their caste for a whole range of social safety net, since you are aware that the Indian govt services are abysmal
The sub-caste provides job network, food during unemployment, nepotism for job and school slots. easy marriage network and a whole host of services

Even people who have been in the west for 20 years cant afford to alienate their caste
In the caste marriage network, during pre-matrimonial screening, they check whether any relative, such as sibling, cousin, nephew has married out of religion and the alliance will not proceed unless that person has been ex-communicated

In places like Mumbai, where the Shiv Sena is active, and in BJP ruled states, this can even lead to riots

By: Auroracoda

Auroracoda — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 19:06:07 +0000

I think it's more # 3. And a few other concerns.

By: Auroracoda

Auroracoda — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 19:04:45 +0000

Sarah, thanks so much for this post. Bear and I both read it together this morning and it was like a big sigh of relief that we can see people who are 'past' what we are begining and everything turned out alright for them.

I'm not expecting miracles….but I am hoping for the absolute best.

Also, I'm so sorry you both had to go through that! What a traumatic experience! People always think their situation is bad until they read another person's story….and then we sit back and say “Oh Wow!”

By: IP

IP — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 18:28:29 +0000

Hi Sister,

Just read what Sarah and Aurora said. Those sort of things happen very rarely in bengal. Also look what your in-laws are saying about women's clothes.
Trust me, MY MOM says exactly same things.

Bengali's mostly have a kind of flexibility in their attitude. Obviously with some exceptions. Not surprisingly RELIGIOUS FUNDOS didnot succeed in bengal historically.

Anyways, i am waiting for the next part of the interview.