Photo Credit: mckaysavage
A commenter at this site, Lurker Frequent (aka LF), has once again asked a really interesting set of related questions in the comments section of a recent post that I’d like to address as a proper post, since I have plenty to say on the topic. Here are his questions:
I am very curious to know about relationship dynamics in your Indian American Household, with regards to the cultural differences in customs in India and America.
More specifically, in India, people invite each other over and unexpectedly drop in and hang out and do things together. In the US it’s more planned, and “khatirdari” is less common in this DIY land. How does it work in your family? How do you handle all the social obligations of an Indian wife?
… the Indian bahu is “supposed” to do a bunch of stuff like cook, clean, wash, entertain the guests, manage social life etc. etc etc. It’s all voluntary though, no pressures in modern day families. How’s your “Bahurani” experience been like? Do you guys do all of that?
I think I’ll shelve the “chores” section of the question for a later date to focus on the hospitality portion of LF‘s questions.
So what follows here are my thoughts on hospitality generally in intercultural households, the interculturalness (or lack thereof) of our household hosting , and some general tips that might be of use to others.
My Five Basic Rules of Hospitality for Our Intercultural Household:
- Paraphrasing Emily Post: being a good host means having a sensitive awareness of the feelings of your guests. If you have that awareness, you have good hospitality, no matter which culture you’re dealing with.
- However, I am not an Indian wife. This is not just an Indian household. Our hospitality will not be identical to the Indian version (if there is such a thing). That’s okay.
- Likewise, Aditya is not an American husband. This is not just an American household. Our hospitality will not be identical to the American version (if there is such a thing). That’s fine.
- While I’ll try my best to be polite and courteous to you in a manner that you’re used to, there are also practical and ethical considerations. Also, I’m not a mind-reader.
- If something isn’t working in our hosting routine, then Aditya and I need to discuss it. The values we care about in offering hospitality to our guests do differ – but this is only a weakness if we don’t communicate. Otherwise it’s a strength.
I think these rules are pretty clear by themselves. We’re a mixed-culture household, so the hospitality we offer is not going to be entirely Indian or American. On the American side of the ledger, we have frozen pizza in the fridge for guests dropping by during dinner, and our kitchen is generally a “help-yourself” kind of place. On the Indian side, most of our snacks & soda are imports, I always offer tea to anyone entering the house (mostly as an excuse to make some for myself), and you’re welcome to come over whenever and stay to whenever (friends have been known to come over, then mention that they’re spending the night), even if you just want to use us for our ping-pong table in the basement. (A common occurrence when we’re having a party is for guests to slip into the house unnoticed by the dogs or us, then head straight to the basement, where they’re discovered later playing ping-pong.)
American and Indian ways – that different?
However, beyond basic customs (like offering tea or chaat to guests), I feel like it is somewhat artificial to say “this style of hospitality is American while that style is Indian. Frankly, I don’t feel like Aditya & I have a system of hospitality deeply different than what would occur if I were married to an American. Perhaps LF‘s questions don’t give Americans enough credit in hospitality (I can’t speak to whether enough credit is given to South Asians or not).
For example, while my own family’s home didn’t operate on an “anyone’s free to drop in” manner, I do think that there are plenty of American homes that do. Consider southern hospitality, where it can be a point of pride to feed anyone who shows up around meal time. Or, to take a closer example to me, my grandparents’ household seems to have operated exactly in the “drop in whenever” manner while my father was growing up; with six children in the family, someone was always dragging a friend or three home, and the meals were made accordingly. In fact, my grandparents’ hospitality was (and is) so accepting of others that when my uncle was teaching English in Japan as part of the JET Program, he’d routinely tell Japanese acquaintances that they should stop in and visit his parents if they were ever in that part of California. Which resulted in more than one occasion of a Japanese visitor showing up on the doorstop, suitcase in hand for an overnight stay, speaking only enough English to make it clear that my uncle had sent them.
Perhaps the gene of welcoming folk into the house skips a generation, but, whatever the reason, I find that I feel the same way about guests coming to our house. While we rarely have people come over without notice (see below), everyone in our social circle knows that they’re welcome to come over when they like. A coworker of mine, for example, more-or-less invited herself over to stay with Aditya and I during Christmas, since she won’t be able to be with her family – and this was absolutely fine with me. Some of this attitude, I suppose, might be because of Aditya’s influence – after all, he didn’t bat an eye when informed that this friend would be spending the weekend with us – but it’s also just the way I like to roll.
My easy-going attitude may also be partially due to the fact that it hasn’t been tested as hard as it seems Lucky Fatima, Sharell of White Indian Housewife or C of American-Nepali Household. After all, all of our South Asian friends, period:
- have lived in the United States for at least five or six years
- have gained their undergraduate degrees at American universities, and
- are young (there’s no one older than 35 in our social circle here in DC)
Thus, all of our friends are pretty comfortable socializing in an “American” way (if there is such a thing). They call before coming over, and aren’t surprised that Aditya carries half of the hosting burden. Perhaps my attitude would change if I were faced with a more constant barrage of guests. Or more traditional ones. Would I feel more pressure to be a “normal Indian bahu”? Maybe. But, then again, maybe not – I’m not exactly one for compromising my values for the sake of appearances, as I discussed in my “When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do… Sometimes” post. And things like gender equality (Aditya’s getting up to make the tea just as often as I am) and casualness (help yourself to whatever you’d like, don’t wait for me to offer it, ’cause I can be forgetful) are things I value in my household.
General Tips to Ease Cross-Cultural Hosting
- Remember that, as a host, you should be focused on making your guests comfortable – but there are limitations. If a guest comes over who’s afraid of dogs, we’ll put our two on leashes, and keep them away from the guest. But we aren’t going to kick the dogs outside in the winter (well, maybe the Malamute…).
- Keep in mind that you live in an intercultural household, and that it’s okay for your hosting to incorporate traditions from both cultures. Your guests from a particular culture will probably be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
- As a couple, talk about the limits you’d like to draw regarding how much you’re willing to follow any particular culture’s traditions in hosting guests.
- If there’s a particular cultural “hospitality rule” that’s getting you frustrated or down, figure out a solution as a couple. Consider creating a “code” you can use that won’t make a guest uncomfortable. For example, if guests coming over all the time was frustrating me, I’d probably create a “the dogs are restless with all the people around- I’m going to take them for a quick jog” code to Aditya to indicate to him that I needed more “me” time soon. (The dogs are always full of energy, so it’s not even a lie – just a convenient truth.)
- Keep on hand the sort of things that guests coming over might appreciate to eat and drink – in our case, that means extra frozen naan, lentils, and Indian snacks, soda, and tea for the South Asians; spicy dried squid, mochi, and fine green tea for the East Asians; and frozen pizza and chips for the Americans. And extra toothbrushes (overnight guests) and ice cream for all.
- If there’s a particular cultural hospitality tradition that you feel you must follow that you don’t particularly like (it happens), remeber that you’re still the one in control, making the choice to follow the tradition for some greater good. So grin, try to get some pleasure out of it (like your own home version of office buzzword bingo!), and know that that’s just part of being an adult.
2. December 2009 at 1:42 am
Good post. I think as an American, that this taqalluf or khaatirdaari thing is a major challenge when dealing with guests and in-laws, especially. I mean, the differences are real. I know within the many American sub-cultures and desi diversity, there are differences and one shouldn’t generalize, but it is a real issue.
Some thing I have learned is don’t ask if anyone wants tea or drinks or snacks…just bring it out and even if the guests don’t touch it, pour it and give it to them. This is hard for my American sensibilities because I am thinking: “waste of time and energy if they don’t drink this, this is all showsha.” But if I didn’t go through the motions and do this stuff, I would look rude and kanjoos.
Once in Pakistan I hosted a ladies only pizza and dancing party. I set out the pizza buffet style…it even looks bad that I didn’t make the food myself and served pizza from Pizza Hut. Usually at parties for people of my in-law’s background, the hostess makes a lot of the food (or really servants or a cook-servant make it) and maybe one or two things are brought from outside…for very big parties a caterer might be hired to come and make food in the home kitchen…but for this small of a party, I should have cooked. I went with Pizza Hut because it is expensive and a special treat so that would make up for the fact that I didn’t cook, I guess. Anyway, then when it was time to serve the food, I thought I was being gracious to call the elderly aunties to eat before the younger women. But I was wrong. Even though the food was buffet style, some of the younger women went to go make plates for their mother-in-laws or aunties or moms. I was thinking, how will they know which kind of pizza the elders want, it would be better for the aunties to get their own choice by themselves (those were my thoughts, I didn’t say it though)…but for them, it is showing respect that the old aunties don’t even have to move from their chairs to get a plate, their dutiful younger family members respect them so they brought it for them. Anyways…even such a simple event as a pizza party can be very insightful for me into seeing cultural difference in expectations.
I have picked up a lot of desi taqalluf habits and I think it has made me a better overall hostess, although I am still an American in my ways at heart and some of the “pehlay aap,” “you must take some more (said as food is heaped on plate by hostess), aapne kuch bhi nahin khaya” stuff is still foreign for me. Still, there are so many nice things, like I live in a neighborhood with lots of desis in Dubai and on every holiday we get trays of sweets and sometimes portions of dishes from them…like on Diwali and Eid. That stuff is really really nice to participate in.
2. December 2009 at 1:01 pm
Thanks GG.
Cheers.
2. December 2009 at 2:34 pm
Listen, first of all Indian wives these days are NOT meek and submissive as they are often perceived to be and I am telling you this coz I hav seen a few….coz I am speaking right here from India….girls hav started to break away from that mould…..they no longer endow their in laws with unconditional respect IMO…
This image of a “bahu” arises mainly from indian TV soaps which , unfortunately STILL revolve around family politics….A pity that our Directors here cannot think of realistic themes..
2. December 2009 at 2:57 pm
I agree with Doctordeath. Although it breaks norms there are Indian girls in present day who refuse to do the traditional things. I hear this because elder aunties tell me this as an American who greets them in our house in American in very Indian ways (but with my Americanness too of course!). Though I don’t encounter this behavior in India, I do here, where I have been to Indian friends houses (married, both desis) and not offered anything to eat or drink by either member of the couple. It really takes me by surprise when this happens because this is considered a big insult in most Indian homes to either not be served or be served and the others don’t take food or take a different set of food (this happened to someone I know in India, and I then found out it was insulting, which is odd someone would go through all the trouble of making a 5 course meal for only a few people, and they make another 5 course meal for their own household of totally different dishes).
But conversely, I have been to Indian households In America and India (though more rare in India) where I am served by a man- not a maid- but the husband of the house. In these situations I am taken aback, but feel happy for the wife that she gets help around the house and too, that the man is ‘man enough’ to do this! It really is great stuff!! This is the kind of stuff that challenges gender rolls that gives a big message to the community. Families that do this also risk ‘loosing their good name’ but in their mind they are just changing things for the better!! Kudos!!
Far as American hospitality, there are generalizations. I want to experience Southern Hospitality. I’d love to sit on a verandah and drink sweet tea (that’s my stereotypical image anyhow). But on average I found and find Indians much more lavish in welcoming me than Americans, but it is still true for ME I am odd and interesting to the average Indian whereever they live (they like to see me come dressed in sari), and I am still NORMAL looking to most Americans (when I am not dressed in Sari), so I will be treated as such….
What we expect to find we also find easier to uncover……
Thanks for the post.
2. December 2009 at 5:55 pm
DOC,
actually most Indian chicks do submit to traditional Indian roles. I think your view, which has some grain of truth to it, emanates from experiences in urban India. It helps to note that Mumbai, Chennai, Kolkata, New Delhi, all the enlightened parts of India, make up less than 3% of the entire population. The vast majority of Indian women are submissive, unfortunately.
The ones in urban India, who went to the best English medium schools and were exposed to western culture, turn out to be the most independent and liberal.
2. December 2009 at 10:06 pm
I am from Louisiana, so I know all about Southern Hospitality. Growing up in a very small country town, in my household there is just an open door policy. Anyone and everyone is welcome to my parent’s house at anytime. People can drop in to visit any time of the day and can show up and meal times as well to eat without any notice. For example, everyone goes to my parent’s home for Thanksgiving and we had about 25 people that would be spending Thanksgiving Day with us. Some family showed up that morning with suitcases, walked into our house and just put bags in one of the guest bedrooms with no question if they could stay or not. It is just a known that they are welcome to stay whether we had room for them or not. Since my fiance (I will call him J) and still live in Louisiana for the time being…the same open door policy applies in our household (well apartment) as well. We have friends show up at any hour in the evening and then decide to have dinner with us. If friends want to have a get together they already know that we will host it.
J and I’s hosting is normally the same whether our guests are American or Indian. Since we cook almost every evening anyway, having unexpected guests isn’t a big deal. We put a big cloth on the floor in our our living room, bring all of the food and place it in the center. Everyone sits on the floor around the food on the cloth. We pass plates to everyone and allow them to dig in. Once everyone is done I will whip up some type of sweet and we offer them either coffee or tea, which ever they prefer. Then we all sit, visit, relax, and enjoy our sweets and tea or coffee. Our American friends are now use to the fact of sitting on the floor and eating, but at first was like “We are sitting down there to eat?!”
I would go out on a limb and say that Southern Hospitality is very similary to ‘Indian Hospitality’.
2. December 2009 at 11:56 pm
Yes I think very Westernized urban elite people have a very different lifestyle from the vast majority of their countryment in both India and Pakistan. Not to say that those people don’t count as ‘the real Indians’ or ‘the real Pakistanis’ or something, but the core middle class people in both countries are still very conservative and expectations of bahus are still there very much. My husband’s family are members of this urban elite class in Pakistan, so there aren’t these restrictions on females so much, but the taqalluf culture is still there for sure when guests visit…basically women are groomed to be great hostesses and that is a mark of refinement for them as well.
3. December 2009 at 2:46 am
I was just reading Sharell’s Diary of a white Indian housewife….The latest post concerns adapting to “Indian” traditions…etc.
I’d just like to say that I’m pretty sure that in most of the well educated families of India, customs such as pulling a veil over your face in front of male members are considered immensely retrogressive and are genuinely disliked…..It is really a pity that people in certain parts of the country just refuse to let go of these stupidities…and treat women like slaves…I am happy though that such foolish practises do not exist in our Bengali household.
3. December 2009 at 11:50 am
We pretty much treat everyone the same way who comes to our house. We always offer drinks or small snack if its not a meal time. At meal time, people are always welcome to join. We don’t get many guests because we don’t know many people here. I would love it if people just came by my house. M’s family is pretty laid back too when they come to visit. Everyone makes themselves at home, its a “get your own stuff” atmosphere. Someone will just randomly decide to cook something and we all eat and someone is always making chai chai chai. If I had to characterize the nature of hospitality in M’s family it would be that there is always someone making chai for everybody. Course, the elders don’t get there own stuff (M’s parents, etc.) but everyone else does. This Thanksgiving, we went to sil’s house and I cooked Thanksgiving meal for everyone, but in true American style, I sat myself on the couch and did nothing afterwards while everyone else cleaned up.
However, I will say, that in more formal situations, i.e. elder friends/acquantainces of M’s parents, etc., he will coach me on how to be bahu-ish, i.e. saying adaab to everyone, make sure duppatta is on my head when greeting, bring in snacks and chai, sit demurely and quietly while elders talk. This is only in Karachi, and very infrequent, and doesn’t bother me at all. I think it is fun to try to make a “good impression” for these people, and it helps M’s parents out so that people can say, oh, even though M married a foreigner, she is really good at respecting our ways, etc. At least that is what I have been told people say.
If I lived there or had to do it all the time while I was visiting, that probably wouldn’t go over so well for me.
4. December 2009 at 10:21 am
“indian” is so panoramic, – as an indian who has married cross culturally to another indian – our ways are different – but our sensitibilities, sensitivess, courteousness and politness are just human. especially when one is hosting guests from different countries, it is easier to go the ‘american’ ( help yourself way – after spreading the food on the kitchen counter and table, than the “khatirdari ( eat, eat, drink, drink”).
Yet, I will ask my guests to leave their footwear at the door ( i do not want people who has walked all over town to walk into my vaccum cleaned small space – where we eat on the floor sometimes or sprawl ourselves to watch tv and do yoga every morning)
And have cocktails for my guests – fruity ones and with alchol for those who don’t. And I make the drinks (not appreciated for a indian bahu)
i have picked up the good ones from my husband’s culture but not the “bahu mentaility where one almost has to behave at the beck and call” and we have worked into “our house” ways.
to each its own,
19. February 2010 at 11:59 pm
Reading this way after the fact, but very curious – do any of you westerners resent being so deferential to the elders? I am like a bucking bronco when forced to defer to my father in law. I make a point not to serve him, even though I know it is incredibly rude, just because I literally cannot stand watching how everyone grovels to him while he does nothing, ever. Since the day he was married, he has never had to lift a finger, and I refuse to become a part of that. He has only ever thought of his own career, which has brought serious hardship to his family, yet they treat him like a king still. It disgusts me, though I know it disgusts him when I don’t kiss up to him…thoughts?
25. April 2010 at 9:17 pm
Hey everyone
I am not married, but as an Indian I just wanted to put my own experience and two cents in.
In my family, my parents share the household work. My dad works outside the house and cooks and my my mom cleans and cooks in the house. One of my bff’s my is Italian, and her family is fairly old fashioned, her father never cooks any of the food, he waits for his wife or his 3 daughters to cook. I am so glad that does not happen at my household and that just because you are a man, does not mean that you can not do some cook or do some household work of your own (my dad does some household work, but my mom does do most of it).
Also, we don’t have too many relatives that come over to our house fequently, since they live all over Canada, the US, Britian and India. However, when we find out they are coming we do make Indian food and chai for them and if its the female younger guests (not either of my grandmothers) they come into the kicthen and also help out with the cooking. Its pretty great! Also, like anrosh says, shoes are ALWAYS taken off right away. Shoes are never worn inside the house, it is definetly a no-no.