Baba: No, no, no… That you are talking about harmony in married life or in relationship. I would say that if they are dating an Indian boy, don’t just go by the boy. Unless he has decided to get out of the family altogether – cut off, I mean – not that [he is] in touch with them, they come and go… Otherwise, the boy should make it clear exactly how his parents or her parents would react to such a decision.

Like, you two are very nice. When you come to India, we [could have] decided no, you have to be like Indian girl, you have to put on a lot of oil, get up early in the morning, five o’clock, take a bath, go to temple, do puja, come back, then you go to the kitchen, cook food.

Maa: That type of family is still there in India.

Baba: A lot of them! The ones that – I have been reading your blog – most of the people they have got that type of problem when they go abroad, to their in-laws place. Therefore, it must be absolutely clear in mind [of the couple] what the expectations [are] at the other end. And if it is so, they should not go to India at all. Because a lot of disharmony would be created on such visits. And as far as we are concerned, as I told you, we are much more liberal, we know and we have got faith on our children, and things are different. I don’t think that one can, uh, judge parents just by seeing our family.

all good points, baba and maa.

and let’s remember that 2 kids (one who never lived in india) and their relationships don’t match that of a woman living and working in villages for 13 years…..

he has the indian angle, she has the white – together they will beat ‘openness of thought’ into the woman relating her experiences.

really? you’d delete or rethread those if it wasn’t you being egotistic.

yes, some families are different; even happy to marry into gori-land. many more are of the thought school described above.

india is a universe upon itself – i think we all agree.

i think we can further agree that one person’s experiences up to the age of 17; versus another as an adult will be different.

to pretend that subservience doesn’t happen a lot is pc, and wanting more than reality.

clearly, you neither agree nor disagree. gg, since you have been so wise in other replies i am surprised to see that you are not willing to admit there is much you do not know or see from here.

the rest of the thread is very helpful.

Light skinned Indian men are generally successful at this, not the dark skinned ones.

As Gori Girl says “Maybe you can get extra credit for being mistaken as a southern Italian/Greek while traveling through Italy?” However, travelling through Arizona he could be mistaken for a Hispanic and in Sheriff Arapaio’s Maricopa County around Phoenix, a Hispanic guy means suspicion and trouble let alone a Hispanic looking guy with a white female. A few Indo-American women travelling through Arizona were detained by Arapaio’s men..the dark ones were let go and the light ones were detained for six hours..and they literally had to prove that they were not illegal Mexicans.

“Remember, the Indian caste system, although nothing to Jim Crowe about, never ever went to the extent of Slavery or Lynchings or the Holocaust. And why is that after living together for 300 years, white christian castes hardly marry black christian caste?”

Manohar these are not Christians. They are white skin worshipping pagans masquerading as Christians and accuse Indians of idolatory..they are the biggest idolators themselves…more than half of the US southern whites, particularly women, wont even touch a dark skin, let alone sit next to a dark skinned person in a bus or metro. In a crowded metro, the look of disgust on the faces of some of these women, including young women, is palpable.

“So how what do you say about that? How does the horrible Hinduism compare to that? in the 5000 years of Hinduism… is the Indian caste system which is slowly disappearing all that horrible? comparative speaking?”

Indian caste system is not disappearing. US caste system works in strange ways. When it comes to demonizing moslems, these white skin worshipping pagans want the support of Hispanics and blacks…however, when it comes to immigration, they go back to white skin worship!

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such a situation. Try posting your questions on the forum – there are a lot more people active over there than on this older post.

Remember, the Indian caste system, although nothing to Jim Crowe about, never ever went to the extent of Slavery or Lynchings or the Holocaust. And why is that after living together for 300 years, white christian castes hardly marry black christian caste?

The whole world got to see the Southern Baptists christian untouchables treated during Katrina.

So how what do you say about that? How does the horrible Hinduism compare to that? in the 5000 years of Hinduism… is the Indian caste system which is slowly disappearing all that horrible? comparative speaking?

LOL

xo

I am confused and don’t know what to do. They refuse to meet me, but in my heart I know that if they did meet me they would warm up to me a bit, and eventually would come around. He often tells me that his mother and I are very similar in the fact that we’re both career women (his mother opened her own business here in the US), yet we both love to cook. I am currently taking Gujarati lessons and studying Jainism. Any advice would be much appreciated. I love this man, want to be with him forever, but also hate seeing him tortured thinking his family will never accept and he has to choose between us. I don’t want him to choose – I believe he can have everything (me and them!).

Now I just want to know in general if there is anyone like me out there? Specifically any AA women married or in relationships with Nepali men. What kind of issues/obstacles did you encounter? And What are the positives that you can pass along?
I though my color would be a big issue with his parents [in fact, it isn't...mom says "you are looking like a nepali girl ya"...tho I don't think so ]; the biggest issue is the fact that he is currently thier financial provider and their fear of him possibly skipping out on his obligation to them for the next year or so…. I have expressed to him (he understands that I understand his committment to them) and to them that I will stand by him and help in whatever way we can.

I’d like to continue to acclimate myself to their culture: I’m learning the language, cooking the food, and try to speak with the family often (phone/webcam/etc). Any suggestions, ideas, or pats of support?

I would just feel so much better knowing that I am not solo in this kind of situation. Not looking for validation, just encouragement and support.
Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks so much!

But above and beyond all this learning language and bigger picture things too- I did not see much about daily life.

Food is a BIG thing for Indians in general and in most cases women cook food. I love Indian food and knew South Indian cooking before I got married, though am continuing to learn North Indian as my south Indian hubby who grew up in Delhi prefers that. I don’t mind missing American foods for family meals – though I live in America. These daily things are most likely someof the things that break up marriages. If a ‘woman’ or the ‘cook of the house’ has to cook two or three meals (usually the kids wants something else- even if the parents both want Indian food,for instance- this happens even in families where both parents are Indian living in America)…. this is ALOT of work and buying readymade is expensive let alone not as tasty or healthy.

Other daily habits should be scrutinized too- like how much the partner to be prays- are they ritualistic about it. Also what have they seen their parents do. Even if they dont’ do something before marriage- marriage changes people in some ways. For instance many of my desi friends were not religious before marriage soon as they get married (to another desi) and especially when having children going to temple, church or mosque is suddenly a weekly ritual. Also does the partner to be expect you to be homely or is it ok to go out and do things on your own or with friends?? More questions can be asked. This should be done even if not a cross-cultural marriage, as well.

Destructive: some of what you said – i.e. ad hominem attacks. Attack his argument, attack his phrasing, attack perceived hypocrisy if you wish. But don’t stoop to this: “I suggest you stick to eating your beefburgers and watching porn. Both of which are plentiful in the land of equality and sugar coated parents.”

You’re better than that. And, dude, what’s wrong with beef & porn anyways? They’re not for everyone certainly, but they’re fine enough.

But seriously, I was not trying to insult all Americans… just this one!

Might I suggest that insulting one person is not as bad as insulting millions as I feel he did!