Initial Family Resistance to your Intercultural Relationship
I’m hoisting up from the comments a request for advice from a reader, Travelergal, who’s run into a bit of a sticky situation with her Indian boyfriend’s family. Her boyfriend, R- just informed his family about her, and, well, the response was not as enthusiastic as one might hope. R- has emailed her about their responses, and now Travelergal is trying to figure out the best course of action:
I need your advice so here goes…my boyfriend recently told his parents about me (he is in India right now so of course he sent me this by email). I am a white American girl and he is a South Indian man. Are their comments normal? What can I do at this point to begin the process of “Slow Acclimation”? I want them to eventually accept me but I have no idea where to begin or what I should do at this point! Any advice would be great!!
Travelergal included her boyfriend’s email, which I’ve put below the fold, along with my responses (in red). I’m sure she’d appreciate all of you chiming in with suggestions, advice, or sympathy as well.
Note: this letter has been edited to remove names at the request of Travelergal
R-’s email to Travelergal
As expected my family was having a set of NO’s to the relationship. I mentioned about it yesterday evening. Everyone was surprised and they were making fun of me.
First off, let me say that there’s never a good - or easy - way to tell your family about something you expect them to be upset about. I do think that it was a good idea for R- to wait until a visit to India to tell his family, if only because that way he was able to evaluate his family’s body language and facial expressions, which can tell you a lot beyond what simple words & tones convey. It’s unfortunate that they teased him, though perhaps not as unfortunate that the family was so surprised. If at all possible, I think it’s a good idea to get parents & other family used to the idea that you’re the type who might do something so “crazy” as getting involved in an intercultural romance. Most people don’t like change, and they especially don’t like unexpected, surprising changes in their close friends & family. Obviously that ship has sailed for R- & Travelergal, but for anyone else in the same situation, I’d suggest dropping general hints very early on in your relationship that you hang around people of other cultures & races, etc. A “we’re not pleased, but we kinda expected it” response is most likely preferable to a “you’re dating who?!?” response.
Mum:- She was having a totally against it. She had the opinion of American people not sticking to a relationship like Indians do, she said that u would leave me and if that happens then i shall be all alone in my life coz there is lot of disrespect for a second marriage or relationship in India. She said its all a feeling that passes away with time. I was trying to please her that it was not gonna happen like that i wud say it but she would not listen she would stick to her thought of u being white is ending up in divorce. She mentioned about the cultural aspect I tried to explain how u were learning to cook and talk in Telugu. She says that it would put us as “cheap” in society. She has a big NO in her mind
Sadly, as R- points out later in the email, Americans are known worldwide for the nation’s high divorce rate. If you’re an American dating someone from a family-oriented, traditional-type country, expect for this issue to be raised at least once by a family member. It happened in my relationship too! And if you have no other information about a person, other than their nationality, it makes perfect statistical sense to bet that the American is going to divorce before the Indian will. However, R-’s mother has more information about Travelergal than just her nationality - for one thing, R- chose to date her instead of any of the other pretty fishes in the sea. If R- can convince his mother that Travelergal is not your typical American it’d probably help. Repetition, time, and continuous examples is the key here. The other concerns that R’s mother raises all strike me as being very typical “traditional” concerns: the low possibility of a second marriages, dating/being in a “love match” as just a feeling that would pass, and how an intercultural relationship/future divorce is frowned upon in (Indian) society.
Sister:- She was also in the same way she started saying that it was all infatuation i was surprised to her response. She said u can’t do this to your family who raised u 25yrs. She was totally doubting about me being a serious guy in this relationship which I’m i told her that I was sure it was not infatuation. She tells me that i had to lose 90% of my life where as u will lose 10% of ur life in this relationship. It was rather surprising to see a youngster not able to dissolve intercultural relationship.
R-’s sister’s response also strikes me as somewhat typical. And, sadly, it is completely true that, by being in an intercultural relationship with an American, R-’s family could lose face in their community in India. This is part of what I was talking about in my post on how others are affected by your intercultural relationship. I’m not sure exactly what the 90%/10% comment is about - perhaps R-’s sister fears that he’ll lose his Indian culture by living in the US & dating an American? Or she might be referring tot the costs that could occur to each person should the relationship fail.
Dad:- Dad was the most understanding. He believes in love he believes in “Love is blind” but he would say that it would disrupt everything. The ripple effect that our relationship has is going to be pain. I tried to tell him that u were really understanding and it would be a sin to just break up or end the relationship due to the fact that “U were american”. He has lot of respect for me and he understands what life is. It is me now thinking about him.
I’m glad R- & Travelergal have one family member sticking up for them. The dad seems like a good dude - aware of the real problems that will likely result for the family from the intercultural marriage, but somewhat accepting of the relationship nevertheless. I suggest that R & Travelergal address his father’s concerns about the “ripple effect” as much as possible, and try to keep the line of communication open to him.
After saying all this i also feel if there is only one person in my family who tried at least to understand me and u how many people in the society and relative would respect u and treat us as the same way as Indian couple.
One quick note here: R- & Travelergal aren’t an Indian couple, so I don’ think they should either expect or want to be treated just like an Indian couple in his family’s society. Certainly, they should be treated just as respectfully, but allowances & compromises will need to be made by all parties for the real differences in the relationship. When Travelergal eventually meets the family, they need to ready for the fact that she won’t be as adapt in their world, and she’ll have to work hard to fit into R-’s family.
They all had “DIVORCE” as their main weapon they would constantly say this and put me to calm as they know i don’t have any answer for that and unfortunately we are victims of divorce rate in US
I waited for this moment and now that it happened i think its a long process for them to accept u. I think we need to work on this. I do not want to leave u but let us be sure from both the sides to avoid any mishaps in future.
It will be a long process to get to acceptance, and I’m glad that R- realizes this. My husband’s family took a little while to warm up to the idea of a white daughter-in-law too. I think it’s very important to understand that his family wasn’t expecting this to happen, and they’re probably flailing around blindly. It’ll take some time for them to process the idea, and incorporate it into their “vision of reality”, if you will. I think you can speed this along a bit by showing & telling them ways that they can relate to you. It seems like R- has already stared that by explaining how you’re studying Telugu & Indian cooking, but only your actions over time will show his words to be true.
I’m happy that i have a family who worry about me and see what is there in our relationship for me but it also saddens me when they say it would not work …there r lot of misconceptions/beliefs to be broken and lot of acceptance and approval to be achieved.
ARE U READY?
for all the cultural lessons…all the disrespect with me…all the petty things that u should learn …all norms and conditions that get applied to u when u are around the family … this list is big ..I’m not asking for u to change but i feel there is lot of things u should learn and feel before committing coz i do not want u to be a complete stranger till u meet my parents(if it comes)
This is absolutely wonderful - I really applaud R-’s perspective here. It’s important for both people to be on the same page, and aware of the difficulties that will come from two cultures in one relationship.
I’M READY… to face the problems but i need lot of help from u….hope u will think and reply.
Yours lovingly
R-
My general take on R-’s family’s reactions
Frankly, I’m not surprised by any of the comments of R-’s family. These concerns are very “typical” for an Indian family, but they’re valid concerns, and ones you need to address.
First, consider what knowledge base they’re starting from. How much do they know about American culture? How much do they know about you? Aditya’s parents had never been to the US when he announced that he was dating me, so most of what they knew about American culture came from Hollywood and other media. I’ve written a bit about how Aditya and I did to address his parent’s concerns here, but obviously not every strategy is going to work for every family.
Second, start addressing their concerns about you, one by one. Obviously, you can’t change the fact that divorce rates are high in the US, but you can show how you’re committed to R-, and to family generally. Since their biggest concern seems to be that the relationship will eventually break up, leaving R- stranded, the best medicine is just time, as hard as that sounds. I also think a lot of concerns family can have stems from the “otherness” of intercultural relationships - you’re not what they’re used to, and they aren’t sure how to relate to you, or what to expect from you. What they’ve heard about Americans tells them to expect for you to not be serious about your relationship. Counter that! Steady communication from R-, and eventually from you, about the strength of your relationship and how you can “fit” into the family is very important. If you keep repeating the message, via phone calls, emails, & letters, at least they won’t be able to ignore the issue - and eventually they might start believing what you say.
I think you two have started off very well with the “slow acclimation” by having R- tell his family straight-up while he was visiting India. I also think it’s great that you’re making an effort to learn about his culture via the Telugu lessons and the Indian cooking. I’d suggest continuing with that, and adding in other bits of Indian culture as time & comfort level (on your part!) allow. I’m not at all suggesting you change who you are to try to become the perfect Indian daughter, but rather that you try to find subjects where you can meet R-’s family on a common ground. Since it seems that they’re quite uncomfortable with the entire situation, it means that you’ll have to make the effort.
Finally, learning more about R-’s particular family and community will probably help you figure out other things that could help your efforts with his family, and prepare you for when you communicate with them, or eventually meet. (I don’t know much about Telugu families, so I can’t be much help in the specifics). While it seems like he has a great attitude about helping you out here, there may be a lot of things he wouldn’t even think to tell you about, as they’re so natural to him. One thing that really helped me out here was taking a Hinduism course at the same time as Aditya (he was just in it for the easy A). We’d talk about the course topics, and I’d ask about how things worked in his family, and I’d end up hearing five or ten stories from his childhood. I don’t think many people are in a position to take a course like that, but a great alternative is reading fiction & nonfiction books about India and Indian culture together, and then discussing them in relation to his experiences.
So, my main three: address their concerns, keep the communication lines open, and work at understanding his culture (and therefore his family’s reactions).
I hope all of this has been of some help, Travelergal, and I’m wishing the best of luck for you and R- in your efforts to bring his family around! Does anyone else have any suggestions?
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Comments
My man’s family had a similar-but-worse reaction the first time he told them about me. Some people’s reactions were less reluctance and more anger. (The divorce thing came up for us, too!) He listened to what they were concerned about, but didn’t ever hint that he would change his mind, and eventually they came around. If R is set on it, he can wait his family out and eventually the person you are will overcome the stereotype they imagine you are.
Oh! Also, they might be confused about whether you plan to get married or not. Often families don’t meet SOs unless marriage is in the plan, and they may be confused about how to react to you if he just called you his “girlfriend”. His family could be thinking, “Should I even bother to develop a relationship with her if you might not be together for long?” If you do plan to get married, tell them because it will help. If you don’t know, decide as soon as you can. Weddings and subsequent babies soften the hardest of hearts, so if that’s in your plan, it might help to talk about it with them when you’re ready.
This is excellent dialogue and great points made by Gori. Kudos to R for coming forward and tackling these issues head on. R and Travelgal: you found the right place to talk about these issues. Here, on Gori, we have a generally positive, “light at the end of the tunnel” attitude so if you stick with things, stay true to yourself, that light will reveal itselt…
Now, my R (a Telugu, South Indian) used the sister’s 90/10 argument on me for a while!! Sometimes I think he still has some residual beliefs in it. The idea is if the South Indian man chooses the non-Indian girl he will lose 90% of his support system, whereas the American girl will only lose the guy (not her whole family). I could kinda see the logic…but I thought it was mostly bunk considering the way R and I started off (i.e. he was still being “dutiful” to this Indian girl he was seeing while I waited until he fulfilled his “duty” to start dating him. The situation was OH SO INDIAN but it was really I who was putting myself all out there for him–not the other way around).
Anyway, about the 90/10 the question I have is…do you want 90% support from a bunch of people who don’t give two hoots about what you really want for your own life? Or, do you want to take a chance on one person who will unconditionally support and love you…most of the time unselfishlessly? Once R knew that person was me, he did agree to take that chance on this “ten percent” I guess. And–sigh–ok i guess he needed time to see that I was serious about this–but boy did he take his time. I feel like R really did kind of “test” me to make sure it was consistent and legit in that I would be there for him of the “ninety percent” bailed on him. I think it was a little unfair to me to have to prove this though (because I was really putting myself out there, on the line, for a long time, too). I struggled with feeling like his feelings and situation were more *precious* than mine … maybe I do still struggle with how that panned out… but then again, I think that just points to the ebb and flow of a relationship. Sometimes one partner has to sacrifice more than the other and other times vice versa. Nothing is ever perfectly equal…and perhaps the 90/10 stuff I had to wade through is just an example of how ALL relationships can be at some point.
Sigh. I can also peak to how Amma said Travelgal would be considered “cheap” in their society if she tried to cook/learn Telugu.
I’m really trying *not* to stereotype here… but according to many, many of my Indian friends and based upon my relationships with Indians from all over India, Telugu’s are of the most close-knit and known to be ubertraditional. One of my Maharashtrian friends was like…oh boy, those Telugu boys and their mothers…they really have this love/hate but “we shall never be separated” dynamic. Of course let’s bear in mind that every family is different, but word on the street is that Telugu’s are really concerned about preserving their close knit group–thus they really like marriages to be kept in the community and so on. In my experience, R’s mom has lived in the US for 30 years but hasn’t budged in ANY, I repeat, ANY traditional type way—and really his dad too. His dad works in the US and is a little more sophisticated in this view on Americans, but he really is quite traditional at heart, too.
Anyway, about adopting Telugu ways for an American. I’m one of those Americans VERY willing to try the language, incorporate the food into daily life, raise the kids Hindu, and adopt many, many Indian things. So naturally I thought being down with his family would be more of a breeze—I would have more of a leg up than other Americans less willing/comfortable in doing such things. When I had expressed my willingness with my Punjabi friends, Gujurati friends, Maharashtrian friends, and New Delhi friends they always received it very warmly and enthusiastically. I think the Telugu’s are different (at least the first generation). I think one of the hardest things for me in crossing the cultural divide is R’s parents not thinking that my efforts are genuine and that they will “cheapen” or embarrass the community. This has been the toughest thing to swallow given how open and willing I genuinely am. Sigh. Of all the Indians to pick, I, of course, had to pick the toughest nuts to crack :)…hehehe…levity, levity.
The first gen’s I don’t think view me as suspect—but I have no real way of knowing that, either.
Hang in their Travelgal. Sometimes progress is slow, but try not and think *too* much about their off base, and sometimes downright mean responses. It really isn’t personal–cognitively I know it’s just their lack of knowledge and fears—but I know how it can FEEL personal.
The three suggestions Gori gives are best. Just keep a cool head, give it time, and if your R is like my R, he’ll see how wonderful he has things will you and will put you and your relationship far above any of those misconceptions and harsh judgments.
Travelgal, let me start by saying I found the letter very romantic, for some reason 
Cute. Its good that he is willing to stick by you and also he is being very realistic(I always appreciate that in a person).
I really think it takes at least a week-1 month to know the “real” reaction of his family. After the shock sets in you will see how they are willing to handle it. It could go either way.
I dont know how long you have been together, but I do agree that time may show how commited you both are. If you can wait 6mo-1year to go ahead with marriage plans it could help a great deal. Personally, I wouldnt want to wait more than a year(assuming that you have been together for a long time now, and are definitely wanting to get married) because if they havent agreed by then, chances are they wont, or it could be too many years before they do… I think its a good idea to discuss what the plan of action will be in that case. Are you both prepared to go ahead without their blessings/acceptance?
I think slow acclimation is a good concept. Another thing which I hesitate to advise, but just may work, is to have your bf “sell” the idea of you to his parents. Play up the things which are important to them… ONLY if they are true of course! Things like: doesnt smoke, doesnt drink, dress modestly, parents are still married, your education level, siblings are married, how close you are with your family, if you want to raise kids as hindu, participate in traditions, visit india frequently, along with cooking and language that you mentioned. The point of this is to have them realize that you are not the stereotype of an American that is in the media.
Feel free to email me and I will share my personal story with you.
My $0.02 re telugu parents. I think the comment is by and large true. Frankly, much as one does not want to bring this into the picture, caste and class play a large role in Andhra Pradesh. I don’t think familial objections are only limited by the spouse being from a different country. See this newspaper report of a very famous film star’s daughter who got married despite his strenuous objection. It became a media promoted soap opera.
Btw, I’m not telugu.
Travelergal, I don’t have a lot to add since you’ve already been given great advice, but I just wanted to offer my support too. Your guy’s email is so impressive - he’s obviously cares very much for you since he’s willing to go to bat for you like that. It may take time and effort - but you have a good guy campaigning for you and that’s a good start. Hang in there!
I am in the same boat as CT by saying you’ve received great advice. I think you have pulled a good rabbit out of the hat on this one. He’s totally taken you into consideration and gave you the respect you deserve by talking to his family about it. He’s made great steps in defending what he wants, but also asking you if you’re ready for the trials and tribulations to come. He has given you the ultimate compliment by asking you if you’re willing to join him in his battle uphill. Good luck!
I think a big difference between most Americans and Indians is that the latter don’t see marriages as a “chance” like the former. This doesn’t mean that all Indian marriages are perfect (many, like in the US, are just an unhappy cohabitation!), but it does mean that the two cultures have different views towards marriage.
Travelgirl, one issue that I think didn’t come up at all in the original email and the subsequent comments is about your family’s reaction to this relationship. I think to make your relationship with your SO work out well for the rest of your lives, your parents need to be on-board too. Indians seriously believe that a marriage is a relationship between two families, not just two individuals, so if your family is less committed to making your relationship work, problems are likely to come up in the future too.
I agree with GG that there is no substitute for learning about your SO’s culture. It’s important to understand that, according to Hinduism, after marriage the women becomes a part of her husband’s family. If you really want to get married to your SO and become a part of his family, you need to learn more about the culture, so you can understand what you are getting into.
Good Luck! I look forward to hearing how things work out for you.
Hey - I’m a little late to the commenting here, but I just wanted to quickly throw in my best wishes and a couple of thoughts on the matter, too! I’m currently married to a South Indian man (who grew up in South India and whose parents have never left India), and I’d definitely say that even when parents are at first a little taken aback and concerned, things can definitely go well - I’ve now stayed with my in-laws a couple of different times, I email with them and talk on the phone with them, and I feel really good about our relationship. And although I perhaps had actually if anything an usually easy time of it, I did have two quick thoughts that might apply here -
First off, I totally agree with Galexie’s comment that the question of how to respond to a dating situation can be a really, really difficult one for Indian parents. I feel like it’s very common for Indian parents to be much more concerned about what’s going to happen when their kid announces he/she is “dating” an American, because both the idea of dating itself (a public association but with no actual long term commitment?!) and one of the most common fears a lot of Indian parents have about American culture (high divorce rate, less respect for family over the long haul) suddenly compound each other. But - I feel like it’s been overwhelmingly true for the people I’ve known that once a marriage is set (either a formal engagement or the marriage itself) things change dramatically. Given that much of the initial resistance often seems to come down to fear that the relationship will get far enough to affect their child’s chances for marriage to anyone else but will not actually last, I think it makes sense that once it is set, the parent’s fears very often turn very quickly into full support - after all, the goal is to have their child stay happily married! And, of course, I also agree with the comments about how much parents are often reassured once they meet you and realize that you’re nothing like the characters of baywatch - all of the sudden it’s much easier for them to imagine you as someone distinct from the images of the “average” american that they’ve been developing for years.
A second thought on this matter is that I think it can be useful to keep in mind that the social morays surrounding how much it’s acceptable to “comment on” a child’s relationship / marriage plans are often very different. So, in my family, there’s a strong sense of “this is a very personal decision and it’s up to you”, and while if pushed my parents would offer very tentative opinions on people I dated, for the most part the assumption was that they would only spontaneously offer opinions and certainly only ever offer strong opinions on my relationships if they thought there was something terribly wrong and they just couldn’t help but mention it (if they thought I was involved with someone who was abusive, for example).
Given this, I have some instinct to assume that if my SO’s family voices concerns about me, that, wow, they must be really deep-set and serious if they’re going to actually go so far as to bring them up and seem actually opposed to our relationship! But, I think that given the much stronger tendency in many Indian families to expect relationship/marriage decisions to involve input from multiple family members, this is really a very false assumption on my part - that, in fact, there’s actually perhaps even a level of honesty and directness in families’ discussions of people’s potential marriage choices that I am just not used to at all, and so tend to misinterpret some.
Ok - I’m afraid this comment may not be very coherent and is definitely rambling - I’ve just started working swing shift for a bit, so I’m pretty groggy not feeling so very coherent at the moment! But I did want to voice my support for you both - it really does sound like R’s thinking about things carefully and prepared to stick up for this whatever that ends up meaning, and like his family’s in a position where they can at least talk about it directly and honestly… which, frankly, I think sounds great. I think the advice you’ve already gotten on how to try to help promote a positive view of all of this is right on, and that there’s every indication it’s going to get you off to a reasonable start on good relations by the time an actual marriage happens. I wish you the best of luck, and I look forward to hearing how things go!
(and if I think of anything else that might be useful once I’ve regained my normal level of consciousness, I might add it =) )
Thank you guys soo much for all of your feedback. My boyfriend came home from India about a week ago which is why I haven’t been on here much–I have been spending some much needed time with him! I will write a more lengthy response tomorrow–but I am so thankful for all of the thoughts and ideas and advice people have given me about this! It has done wonders for me!
Great blog Gori Girl! And great comments everyone. I am an Indian male who is about to tell his family that he is in a serious and loving relationship with a white American woman. The types of issues that are raised here are things that I’ve constantly have to deal with, and it’s been such a lonely feeling to think that no one out there would really understand the circumstance. I am just glad to see that there are others who, although have particularities that are different in each situation, still have similar fundamental issues/concerns/problems that I am also dealing with.
Travelergal–it’s really cool that R would stick up for you. As an Indian man on the other side of the table, it’s a very tough mental step to face up to your family with something like this, especially with a VERY family-oriented Indian culture. I’ve jumped out of airplanes and bungee-ed off of buildings, but facing my family about this is by far the scariest thing that I’ve had to do. I’m doing it because I have faith in my SO and that our love is something that the universe has conspired to create. Although I don’t know your situation with R, I believe that the fact that he would so candidly face his parents (and candidly email you) shows, at least, that he cares deeply about you.
I look forward to keeping up with this blog and being a contributor/commentator every now and then. Thanks for making me feel not-so-alone.
I just find it unfair that the woman has to integrate into the man’s family.
My family is traditional too. Why can’t the man put the same amount of effort above to integrate into MY customs, MY traditions and MY culture?
Why do I have to put his needs over mine? Why can’t there be a compromise?
This is what I find unfair. Fighting to assimilate into their culture when they should be happy we’re willing to assimilate into their culture, discard our desires and rights over our children for their preferences and beliefs.
Btw, I’m engaged to an Indian guy from Hyderabad and we’ve reached a compromise to not let our respective traditions supercede one another.
Family included.
DY you bring up REALLY excellent points and things I have struggled with in the past/present with my Ahdhra guy, too.
I’m so glad you expressed the “Hey why can’t he bend to my ways! Why do I need to do all this for him?” sentiment—because I’ve thought about that many times.
If I may say, I think that a lot people gravitating to this blog are American women, dating/married to Indian guys, who seek to understand and feel comfortable with incorporating Indian ways/families into their lives. Overall I think this is a good thing (most people do here) but as Gori has cautioned before, we need to really think about our own personal comfort levels in doing so. As much as we want to try and understand and incorporate our guys’ culture(s) into our lives, we need to be true to ourselves, and know our own reasonable limits in doing so, too. And furthermore express those needs and have them respected. However, I have learned that when expressing needs, anger, or other emotions related to incorporating Indian ways into my life I really need to take into account: (1) learning the things about Indian culture that are not “personal” but I interpret them as such (2) having a lack of awareness or general knowledge about certain practices/rituals/traditions (3) gathering information first, taking it in, considering context, and then express needs/feelings. This process helps me because I have found given the starkly different modes of operation and frameworks inherent to Indian culture, many things could inflame a red-blooded, American individualist in a relationship with a more traditional guy. However, the process of information gathering, asking R to be a cultural interpreter (even when he’s clueless that he needs to be :)), and then assessing my feelings, has definitely nipped a few of my reactionary approachs that got me no where in the relationship.
There are a couple of ways I have worked out why it’s necessary and important for me to bend to and figure out R’s personal/family Indian ways. My first point is that R already has a pretty good understanding of American culture. He grew up here and can already wrap his mind around American ways. I have not grown up around Indian culture and though I intellectually know a fair amount about it now…I’m still not sure if I will ever truly “know” some aspects of it. I think that’s where the reactionary stuff comes in–but if when I filter my feelings through some of the things I mentioned above–it helps quell those. In my opinion, I think American culture is much more straight forward than many aspects of Indian culture. For example, there is no where near the same expectations and “calls to duty” as I have expereinced upon investigating Indian culture. I can list tons of examples of this is anyone would like… but I think most of us get the idea…
Anyway, given the nature of the differing cultural beasts, in my experience, there is just a ton more to wrap my brain around and understand respective to R’s personal/family Indian culture. Sigh. Sometimes I get all, “This is a much harder deal for me than it is for you!” on R, but again, I don’t think the nature of the beasts can be helped.
(I know I’m tangenting now…please excuse me…writing helps me thing this out, too! )
I was telling R how I don’t feel this duty to my family to appease them. We have an OK relationship but there really isn’t a lot of support—I’m not so sure how well my family would have my back if I really needed it and vice versa. I don’t feel I owe them much because they didn’t give me much. I’m pretty self made and on most days enjoy my self-madeness. Now R’s pretty self made too, and though he knows his parents are not perfect, someone ALWAYS has his back in his family/community beyond. When I got all huffy about the expectations of his family once, he reminded me that one doesn’t get the kind of support he’s had without personal sacrifice. I haven’t had to sacrifice much for my family, but I have not where near as much support as his family has given him and his sibling. And I think there’s a lot I can learn from that…
Again, tangent, but your comment DY really got me thinking. In my experience, given the complexities of R’s personal/family Indian culture–and the wealth of support and richness that can come from that–has required more of my “bending” I suppose. That doesn’t mean that R hasn’t had to bed to understand some of my things too (ooh! maybe a good post topic!!). However, overall, I tend to think the nature of Indian cultural beliefs does required a lot of bending, understanding, and learning for westerners–and that’s not always such a bad thing, actually. If your guy is not so much traditional (nor his family) I don’t think you’ll have to do as much mind-bending. But if your guy/his family is traditional, I really do think it’s going to require some creativity, learning, and understanding on the part of the pursuing westerner if you want the relationship to work.
You see if R’s personal/family Indian culture were to totally bend to mine, they would be stripped of so many things inherent to their culture, more importantly, dear to their hearts. And I don’t want that. As I said to R, I’d be perfectlly happy (and thrilled even) to elope…but he and I both know that his family would never forgive him (us) if we did that. So that would not be an option…but this is where sacrifice and obligation to those who have supported R (helping him become be the amazing man who has taught me so much about loyalty, support, and love) come in to play for me. And I’m pretty OK with that.
(Sorry DY…sort of wrote that for myself a little…mabye you can get something out of it though! If not, no worries!!)
DY: Oh and YES I think the guy should bend and seek to understand, incorpoarte YOUR traditional family stuff too!!!
I will say though from reading around … when you have two, fixed traditional sides there seems to be a lot more to work through. I’m not saying it CAN’T work…but it’s tough when you have two pretty set frameworks to work with, negotiate, and compromise.
As I stated, in my case, I don’t come from a fixed, traditional background/set of beliefs–I tend to be kind of chill & open most days with R’s Indian stuff. So, I think this has kind of made things easier in my mind… plus R’s awesome and really suportive of all my stuff when I ask, too.
Hmmm I am kind of in a rush, but I will try to formulate a coherent thought/reply
DY who is it that is putting such high expectations? Is it your husband or his family?
Unless he met you, while you are wearing a sari and prostrating to Lord Ganesha followed by an hour of meditation and then cooking up a nice batch of idli/vada/sambhar… then I dont really understand why men would expect their women to be drastically different than they were when they met/fell in love.
If its just his family, thats a different story.
I dont mean any offense by this, and dont take it this way but, is it possible that some of the weight of these expectations is placed by the woman herself? The reason I write that is I have literally seen women who think they have to achieve some unrealistic ideal of “compromising” or being someone they are not, where I cant see anyone else expecting it of them.
I never think that someone should become someone they arent. in order to get married. For one thing, that will never last long, or will end up in resentment.
I agree with NK, that it will help to learn about aspects of Indian culture and traditions, and try to see from their pov. I think any one should respect things which are important to another person, esp if it is a small thing to ask. But day to day life should be compromise between you and your husband, not you bending to everything he wants. I say this and I am not of the “uber independant, ME ME ME” type of person but I really dont think that means you should lose yourself.
I cant really claim to understand exactly where you are coming from. Maybe my case is very strange, in that I feel we havent hashed through any kind of cultural differences or clashes(and he was born/raised in India).
I guess alot of it is my knowledge and interest in India before I met him, and just my personality/belief system which I think fits well to Indian culture.
Well, sorry for getting off topic. I think any couple should take an interest in each others background, family, etc, even if they are both from the same culture. So I think he should try to understand from your side too.
I think the best advise is “dont sweat the small stuff”!
Hi DY - I’m typing this from an iphone, so this will be short. First off, I agree that the compromises should come from both sides - I’ve written about this in my post “why the ‘gori’ of gorigirl?”. Briefly, Aditya is quite Americanized, despite having first come to the US in college. So he has naturally made a lot of compromises by adapting to mainstream American culture. My goal is for our household & family a cool hybrid of his & hers traditions and culture.
However, when it comes to our extended families, we both bend a little more in recognition that neither set is as comfortable with “hybrid-ness”. So Aditya talks to my dad in that “man-to-man” American style, cause he knows that’s what my dad expects in a son-in-law,and I do similar types of things with his family. We’re both comfortable doing this, and don’t feel like we’re being hypocritical or anything like that. If others *aren’t* comfortable doing this, however, I think that’s perfectly acceptable. Every couple needs to find their own solution in the end.
I agree that every couple’s relationship has to involve comprise, but that’s going to mean different things for each couple. And I think it’s totally okay to say, “I have a culture that has value too and the traditions and customs that are important to me need to be acknowledged too”. I know I’ve said that a couple times when I felt things that were important to me were being overlooked or taken for granted. To me, that’s just part of communication as a couple.
I fell in love with Indian culture long before I met my fiancé and so my participation in his cultural practices and that of his family has never felt much like making sacrifices or discarding my desires – it’s actually been a means of achieving my desires and a way for me to be exactly who I am. I like what Mirchi says about her personality and belief system fitting well into Indian culture. That’s true of me as well. But I’ve also been lucky in that M’s parents and family are open-minded and easy-going, and they haven’t ever asked more of me than I was already happy to give.
DY, I’m glad you and your fiancé are discussing these issues and finding ways to compromise. I think one of the most important things in an intercultural relationship is to be on the same page and to know that you have each other’s support.
Edited by Gori Girl: This comment, and the ones following it, have been moved to a post of their own at Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship Is Suddenly an Issue. I’d appreciate it if everyone take the (excellent) conversation there. If you want your comment back here though, for any reason, just let me know!
My (beautiful and wonderful! fiancee recommended I take a look at this post because I’m also a Sikh man marrying a Christian woman. While I think the “common” cultural background might give me some insight, I suspect individual personalities and local cultural and familial influences might be more at work here (ironically, I was just talking with my sisters about exactly what our “culture” means for us and what exactly it is for us).
But, more to the point, I definitely agree with the other posters that your future MIL is manipulative and passive/aggressive. However, I also agree that moving in together before marriage might have been a bit (or more than a bit) of a faux pas. I wonder if communication between your boyfriend and his family (and what he relates of that communication) is really as open and correct as it seems to be. E.g., when you say “His whole life he was taught that as long as he was with someone who loved and respected him that he was doing the right thing” but then “In high school he went to school dances with white girls and his mother cried and locked her self in her room for weeks”, there’s a disconnect there. What he’s communicating (he was taught that as long as he found someone good all was okay) is not what he was really experiencing as a child (i.e., it obviously *wasn’t* okay).
I’m not sure where this mis-communication happened but, even if it seems like his mom has changed on a dime, this doesn’t seem like new behaviour for her; even from that one incident you cited, she’s obviously got a history of these kinds of hysterics and drama. I wouldn’t expect her to change at all; hopefully, she will in time, but I would probably plan for it not changing, at least in the relative short term.
But I’d also examine my own interpretations; e.g., when you say she’s cold or condescending or didn’t hug you, are you sure you’re interpreting those actions correctly? E.g., was she a huge hugger and suddenly completely changed? Was she overly friendly and ebullient and is now completely different? Were other things going on in her own life? Also, you mention you’ve moved to a new town and have nothing else there; isn’t the same true for your boyfriend? I’m not trying to justify her stance because, based on just that one high school incident you described, she’s obviously prone to hysterics and potentially unstable. And I do think you’ve done a lot of very considerate things.
But I do sense a disconnect, as well. Perhaps your boyfriend isn’t understanding his mom very well but moving in together before marriage, the mixed messages (what he thought he was taught even in the face of incidents like the high school one), etc., lead me to believe it might be instructive to hear the other side of it, as well (if she’s willing to have that dialogue, of course). It’s a tough situation for you, no doubt, but I suspect there are other elements that might help you both reach some better resolution. Best of luck!
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Wow! What a great email!
Hats off to your boy!