This is Part Six of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you’re new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One, where the story starts.
After we started the fire (think Agni Pradipan, not Billy Joel), I fed Aditya some pre-made Laddu, which is a common Indian sweet used in pujas and other ceremonies. After this Aditya stood up and promised to provide for me for the rest of my life, so, really, I didn’t begrudge him the sweet. (Also: it was way too hot to do much but sweat beside that fire. Doesn’t look like it? Read on.)
To stay hydrated in the face of the fire (or, you know, for religious religions) we were both given some water from the Ganges to drink. From our cupped hands. This may have been the only water I drank during my entire time in India that was not personally verified by Aditya or another family member as safe for my oh-so-delicate American stomach. For the record, by the way, despite a complete lack of regard on my part, I never had the slightest stomach ache while in India.
After drinking the Ganges water – most of which ended dribbled onto my sari – the whole marriage “team” started to work to get the fire roaring. The younger priest – the one who wasn’t reciting Vedic hymns to music throughout – placed pieces of kindling into the fire. Maa, Baba, and my uncle tossed in mixtures of herbs in time to the drum beat. (Uncle Mark took a few minutes to get the beat properly.) Aditya and I spooned in oil from special spoons, held in a special manner. It was all very serious, of course. Well, except for the fact that Baba appeared to be aiming his herbal throws to cover our special spoons. And Aditya kept knocking his spoon into mine in (he says) an effort to dislodge the herbs covering his spoon – I suspect he was just being a brat. The end result, of course was predictable:
It got really hot and the fire got really high. And my flowers wilted. Which made me pout. Also, people were continuing to look at me, which will make any introvert pout. Then I remembered that it was my wedding and I got to play with fire! And life suddenly seemed better.
The majority of the wedding ceremony, as I recall, was playing with fire. As I mentioned earlier, as we fed the fire our Arya Samaj head priest recited Vedic hymns. Because the Araya Samajis believe that you should know what you’re promising, every part was first paraphrased by the priest in English (Maa & Baba hunted high & low for an English-speaking priest for me) before being recited in Sanskrit. The offerings we made were meant to symbolize our joint responsibility – along with that of our families’ – to maintain the love, duty, and dignity of the marriage.
After the fire was good and roaring, Aditya’s brother, Dada, stepped in to help us pour an offering of puffed rice into the fire. Traditionally this would be done by the brother or brother-cousin of the bride, but my brother was unable to make the trip to India. 
In case you were wondering, the fire at the center of the Hindu wedding ritual is considered a god in and of itself – Lord Agni, God of Fire. Agni, for Arya Samjis, serves to dispel darkness and ignorance while brining light and knowledge.
After pouring the puffed rice (three times), we were on to the final – and most important stages of the wedding: the vows and steps around the fire. Which is where I made my largest mistake of the entire wedding…
Part Seven – the final post on my Indian Wedding – can be found here.
23. July 2009 at 4:46 am
Hi GG. I'm an occasional visitor to your blog, which I enjoy hugely. Having traveled widely (though not lived outside India for any length of time), I find your takes on intercultural issue really interesting.
Just one small, tiny thing reg. this wedding post (part 6). It may be something very peculiar or personal to me, but whenever I read the word 'Ganges', it denotes to me at least a bit of a 'distance' from things Indian (apologies for any presumptions). Perhaps because I've always heard the river pronounced in India as 'Ganga' (I'd stand corrected if someone, somewhere in India pronouces it as 'Ganges'). For me, it's at par with the old 'Sahib' ways. I do NOT, though (strange as it may seem to you), support changing the spellings of Indian cities/towns/places to the way in which they are traditionally pronounced (Kolkata – even though I'm a Bengali myself, Mumbai, Chennai, Bengaluru, Puduchchheri, Udagamandalam, et al) – maybe because I find a certain 'charm' in the way they were spelt, even as people will always pronounce the names of the same places in their own way (some people may also tell you that 'Bombay' and ' Mumbai' are two different places, culturally that is
).
While of course it's your blog and so you can write the way you want, and you should've no need to prove your 'Indian' credentials to anyone under the sun, I'd personally like it if you switch to 'Ganga' (if not the other place names). Take it as a reader's request.
All the best & keep writing.
23. July 2009 at 4:59 am
Ah… Brings back my own memories of a good thirteen years back. I remember my (now) wife had been ailing with some kind of a respiratory infection just before our wedding, so the fire actually made it worse and she kept coughing almost all the way.
As for me, I was always a bit allergic to fire or heat (use to get a lot of 'prickly heat' and 'nose bleeding' while young), so I was practically ready to give up half way (but plodded on gallantly)!
It was my second encounter with 'Agni Deva' though. The first had been during my 'baptism my fire' – thread ('yagyopaveeta') ceremony – just a few days before I 'gave away' my (elder) sister in marriage (queer traditions, some of these), in the absence of my (dear departed) pop,
23. July 2009 at 6:59 am
Gorgeous times five. So touching. I love the story, and the pictures add so much more to it. It makes me immensely jealous that I did not have a Hindu wedding, even though neither myself or Mr. B are remotely Hindu. Maybe for our 5th anniversary?
Chalo,
V
23. July 2009 at 7:54 am
Wow.
GG(Great Gori) looks stunning.
Truly awesome stuff.
i read all the 5 parts and seen all the pictures and simply cannot describe my joy.
Even my mom LOVED IT.
She was surprised to see a white American(are u still American?
) woman so beautifully dressed in a traditional bengali wedding dress.
Wishing u and Adi all the success,love and happiness throughout your lives.
Cheers and lots of hugs.
23. July 2009 at 7:57 am
Exactly.
There is something magical about the word “Ganga”.
27. July 2009 at 8:45 am
Hi, I really like your blog. I'm a “gori” wife too, married to a Pakistani. Just wanted to say that your wedding pics are gorgeous. I got to attend a friend's wedding in Chenai a few years ago and thought the Hindu wedding ceremony was really interesting and gorgeous. Just wanted to say hi!
27. July 2009 at 11:05 am
Loved seeing this! So beautiful and I can't wait for my own wedding now!
OH, and my friend S went with me to help me with getting the Sari and pieces made….she's having them make the top a little longer as to help hide some of my tummy!!! Isn't she just the bestest friend in the whole wide world???? I just loves her! lol
27. July 2009 at 7:16 pm
Hi Southern Masala – welcome to the blog! I've seen some pictures (and a discovery channel special, I think) of a Indian Muslim wedding, but not a Pakistani one (Muslim or otherwise). Was your wedding very different?
18. October 2009 at 4:41 pm
Pakistani (Muslim) weddings are very very different. : )
28. July 2009 at 7:27 am
My husband's family are Mohajjir (immigrants) from Lucknow originally, so I would think that their wedding traditions would be similar to Indian Muslims from Lucknow. The ceremony is very different from a Hindu ceremony, but after the ceremony there are what my husband's family calls “rasaams” (sp?), which basically means traditions, which include some culturally Indian things, such as feeding each other methai, my husband put something (I can't remember what) in the part of my hair, etc. I am thinking that a lot of these come from Hindu culture that has been transformed a bit by Indian Muslims and Pakistani Mohajjirs. Some other good ones, when my husband entered the room to see me for the first time after the nikah was done, he walked in under a red duppatta being held by his relatives. The first time we saw each other's face after the nikah was by both looking in a mirror at the same time.
29. July 2009 at 2:20 am
As far as I know, 'rasaams' should be the derivative of 'rasm' from Hindi/ Hindustani, which does mean traditions or rites. The thing your husbank pu in the parting of your hair should be red 'sindoor', which traditional Hindu married women put there everyday. As for the red dupatta, something similar happens in our Indian Bengali marriages, but at a different stage. When the bride is brought into the wedding enclosure (usually 'carried' on a 'pirhi' or traditional flat wooden slab by four persons!), her first 'meeting of eyes' ('shubhodrishti') with her beau is under a similar cloth held overhead by relatives, though not anything specific by red. I'm not sure GG went through this, but I & my wife did, thirteen years back.
6. August 2009 at 10:52 pm
First time here, and in one go i read ALL six parts of the wedding!
I am bengali and even I couldn't have described all the rituals and traditions that are involved in a bengali wedding THIS WELL. You have done such a splendid job! Just wow!
30. September 2009 at 1:51 am
Great pics. Now I am hooked and will read the 5 other posts.
My wedding was in Karachi, my husband is Pakistani and I am American. So I also had the pleasure of a multi day wedding and a red bridal outfit.
I love desi weddings! They beat our single day American weddings hands down!
About desi Muslim weddings: Depending on the ethnic background, weddings vary quite a bit in terms of special traditions and ceremonies, same as in India, but generally speaking the North Indian weddings of people of any religion have a lot of similarities to the weddings in Southern Pakistan in terms of the cultural rather than religious customs. Like the drumming parties, mehndi and haldi, stealing the shoe, feeding sweets, the gold, etc. Hindu style dowry is also widely practiced in Southern Pakistan, though some families make a social statement by rejecting that custom.
At our engagement my husband was instructed to put scented oil in my part, not sindoor. (I have never seen Muslims using sindoor, but I have seen bindis in some places at weddings, in Bangladesh for example, or when it is in fashion in Pakistan or at Pakistani weddings in the US) One of our hands was also tied together with a red string.
The Hindu customs in Muslim desi weddings are cultural retentions from before these communities converted, and also just done because they are the indigenous traditions. Sindoor, fires, and all are not incorporated. But all non-religious customs, the cultural stuff is there. I know that some communities even require that the bride be given a mangal sutra, I have seen that with Hyderabadis and Urdu speaking Bangaloreans. But that isn’t really widely practiced by desi Muslims (I am not sure about Bangladeshis on this one). The Punjabi Pakistani weddings have more similarities to the Punjabi Indian weddings, the Bengali weddings have particularly Bengali customs on both sides of the border, etc. Some communities are known for more pomp and ostentation, others less, and so on.
In an Islamic wedding, the only requirements are the contract with witnesses, the couple’s consent (that the marriage isn’t forced), dowry provided by the husband directly to the bride, and the social announcement done by the act of feeding a wedding meal (walima). So this shows up in all Muslim cultures. But basically every other aspect of a desi Muslim wedding is indigenous to the des.
There is some Salafist influenced modern rhetoric among desi Muslims that pretty much condems all of the indigenous/Hindu practices at weddings. Most of it is just puritanical anti-Hindu B.S., though. It would be good if it would help eliminate dowry issues (there are the same issues with dowry/dowry debt, harassment of the bridal party, etc., in India as in Pakistan) because that style of dowry is not the Islamic practice. But unfortunately this hasn’t really had much impact on reducing dowry practice among the masses, it focuses more on superficial things like promoting gender segregated weddings, condemning the wearing of bindiyan.
Okay, sorry to write a novel here…I just like to read about and talk about weddings too much.
You have to update now about your big mistake. I am dying to know.
14. October 2009 at 3:54 pm
Update coming soon – thanks for sharing about Muslim desis’ practices. I have a fair number of Muslim Bangladeshi friends, but none from Pakistan or India.
8. October 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thank you so much for this wonderful site!!!! Like you, most of my internet research turned up less than favorable experiences of intercultural relationships between Indian men and American women. I was beginning to get really skeered of my trip to India next year (Indian wedding a few months after US wedding.) Thanks for helping to put my mind at ease and laugh the day away!
14. October 2009 at 3:55 pm
Hi AuspiciousGirl! I’m glad you’ve enjoyed reading through the blog. I’m back from my blogging vacation, and will be updating more in the future. I’d love to hear more about your story in the future.
20. November 2009 at 12:12 pm
Will do! I’m full blown in the middle of planning my American wedding (03/10) followed by our Indian wedding (05/10), so mostly I just passively read right now. (Thank goodness I don’t have to plan the Indian one.) But I def need to find a way to document all the things that are happening.
Any advise on some small gifts I can give to his parents? My love and I will pick out the official wedding gifts for his family together, but I’d like to find some small tokens of my affection to present as well.
I’m so excited that you are back from blogging vacation. YAY!!! I showed my friend your blog (she lived in India for a few years) and she LOVED it too. She cracked up about your rock star video and told me with my blonde hair I will be a super duper rockstar. LOL.
27. November 2009 at 5:37 pm
I’d ask your fiance for advice on what sort of small gifts they’d appreciate – hobbies they enjoy, for instance. And if all else fails, I think household items (decorative stuff) always works. I love browsing Etsy.com for unique gifts
21. January 2010 at 2:47 pm
Hi GG,
Wanted to ask – did you “convert” to hindusism at any point since the wedding was performed acc to hindu/arya samaji rites or what’s the implication of getting married with hindu rites. Is conversion or a acquiscence that you will follow the hindu religion mentioned at any point?
Please let me know; I’m hesitating going for a full wedding ceremony because I do not want to convert..
Thanks! Great website and thanks for sharing. You both look great!
21. January 2010 at 3:18 pm
My understanding is that, traditionally with the arya samaji, you are suppose to go through a conversion rite before the wedding. However, our priest in Calcutta didn’t mention or require any rite, and when I brought it up with family members, they said that there wasn’t any need for one. However, that might have been because it’s a bit assumed (in the culture, more than the religious scripture) that marrying a Hindu man basically “makes” the wife a Hindu if the default is nothing. I’ve blogged a bit about that here. Some Hindus, however, will say that no one can convert – or be converted – to Hinduism, and their stance is no less correct than that of the Arya Samj (in the sense that there’s no central text that rules one way or another on the matter, not in the sense of whether there’s an objective truth to the situation).
I don’t recall if any of the vows during the wedding explicitly mentioned becoming a Hindu. (It was a bit of a blur, with Sanskrit chanting and quick English translations…) The vows that we took (that I recall) did follow the basics of what the Vedas describe as one’s dharma – i.e. the correct way to live by following the duties/roles that belong to a person. So, for instance, we vowed to support each other as a couple in a good household, to raise kids, etc, etc. If making such vows (in line with, but not exclusive to the Hindu faith) would be a problem for you, then it’d probably be a good idea to pass on a Hindu wedding ceremony.
Overall, Hinduism is a very… flexible religion/philosophy – flexible enough that a Hindu perspective could easily be seen as compatible with a more liberal version of the Judeo-Christian religious faith. For instance, my husband identifies as a Hindu atheist, as do I (now that I’m married to him, and thus have a role in a Hindu family). There are plenty of Hindu deists, too – and the outward trappings of the faith (pujas to idols, going to temple, etc) are not necessary to the religion.
… I guess my point is that being a Hindu is such a nebulous concept that some people may never consider a convert a Hindu, even if she wants to be considered one, while others may consider anyone who marries into a Hindu family as a Hindu, whether she wishes to be considered one or not. Some branches of the religion are extremely structured and impossible to combine with any other faith, while others are nothing but a philosophical structure that is independent, altho touching on, the religious sphere of life.
21. January 2010 at 5:34 pm
Thank you for the clarity. There seems to be such little or objective info about this topic that its very difficult to make a decision either way, but I do understand what you said and am grateful for the input.
I’ve enjoyed seeing your pictures and your sense of humor in your blog.. and its wonderfully educating to go through a detailed documentation of your experiences through something as life affirming and changing as a marriage in another country with a whole new cultural context!
Congratulations on a job well done! I’m delighted to have chanced upon your gem of a blog!
21. January 2010 at 8:45 pm
Hi Brownie, my late mom was Arya Samajist
There is a separate ceremony for Shuddi ( conversion ) and a separate ceremony for marriage
Arya Samaj is a very ‘protestant’ form of Hinduism
It is very modernistic but also has very rigid doctrines
Shuddhi is one of their main activities and their main text,
the Satyarth Prakash, criticises most other religions
including Indian religions ( Sikhism, Jainism, Buddhism and
mainstream Hinduism )
They have recently toned down their criticism of other Indian religions
However, the Satyarth Prakash is extremely vitriolic to Abrahamist
religions ( Judaism, Christianity and Islam )
You can google up ‘Satyarth Prakash’
Normally an Arya Samaj priest will not do a wedding unless Shuddhi has already been done
Arya Samaj Shuddhi is legally recognised by the Indian govt
and useful for ancestral property rights
Indian religions marry each other by the millions without Shuddhi
Indian religions have a code of conduct whereas Abrahamist religions have a code of belief
As a practical matter, it is hard for Abrahamist religions with
‘Thou shalt have no other gods”, ‘Thou shalt not worship graven image’
and ‘Only begotten son’ and ‘Last Prophet’ , can coexist with ‘flexible’ Indian religions, which is why some people do Shuddhi
The other reason that some people do Shuddhi is to minimize the risk of ostracism from the extended family