This is Part Five of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you’re new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One, where the story starts.
Exchanging Garlands
When I left off on the story of my Arya Samaj wedding to Aditya (see part four here), we had just exchanged garlands at the start of our wedding ceremony. 
Heavy, massive garlands that took my original concept of flower necklaces – Hawaiin leis – and kicked it up a notch or ten.
Exchanging garlands is a key component of any Hindu marriage – it signifies the couple’s acceptance of each other as spouses. In a lovely scene of one of my favorite Bollywood films, Parineeta, a character says that if a day if particularly auspicious then just the exchange of garlands makes a man & woman into husband & wife.
Of course, at the time Aditya and I exchanged garlands, we’d already been husband and wife for a year. Looking back, I’m actually quite glad that we held our Hindu marriage ceremony a year after our civil ceremony in the States. The earlier civil ceremony was necessitated by law and circumstances – if a U.S. citizen marries a non-citizen outside of the U.S., the non-citizen isn’t allowed back in the States until their immigration status is changed, which can take anywhere from three months to a year. So we had to be legally married in the U.S. and wait for the visa paper rigmarole to finish before we could head to India for another ceremony. That first wedding ceremony – as well as the year of marriage – took a bit of pressure off of our ceremony in India. If I messed up some, well, what was Aditya going to do? Go back in time and erase the year we’d already been married? Divorce me and lose his green card and cushy American life? Heaven forbid! *grin* He and his family were stuck with me.
Now, with a lead-up like that, as you might have guessed, errors, well, were made. Not that it was my fault, of course, that I almost lost balance and toppled over right onto the fire pit during the garland exchange. Aditya had to reach out a hand – with a smirk included, free of charge – to steady me. Of course, the mishap mainly occurred ’cause Aditya didn’t bend his proud neck enough for short little ol’ me to lift the heavy garland over his head. And maybe a little bit because I’m a klutz. Just a little. And, um, I didn’t want to muss my sari. (Did I mention it was a very heavy garland? Anyone would have trouble lifting it. Anyone!) I don’t think anyone – besides Aditya, of course – noticed my near-tumble, so I suppose I’m letting the cat out of the bag a little bit here…
…
…
Moving on, after the exchanging garlands Aditya and I both sat down on the mandap. This is harder than it looks when you’re wearing a big garland, a thick silk sari, and a long veil. And, um, are a klutz.
The Madhuparka Puja
After sitting down, our priest continued to chant various bits of Hindu scripture and hymns in Sanskrit, accompanied by the musicians. Everything was always translated into English for me first, although I still had to repeat my parts in Sanskrit. The first thing I spoke related to the Madhuparka ritual, where I mixed honey, ghee, and curd together in the jar pictured on right, then fed it to the groom. The concoction looked… less than appetizing, and I did not have high hopes on its taste, given the ingredient list. Aditya was all smiles while eating it, though that might have just been because I had butchered the Sanskrit phrases better than Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd could’ve. Anyways, Aditya informs me the Madhuparka is actually quite tasty, and would likely go well with meat pies.
Kanya Daan
Next, Aditya and I drank some holy water from the Ganges River, cupping our hands to allow the priest to pour it in. Then it was time for my maternal uncle to officially “give” the bride away. Like in Western weddings, this is traditionally done by the bride’s father, but my dad wasn’t able to make the trip to India. Instead, my Uncle Mark stepped up to perform the kanya daan by placing my hand in Aditya’s. Note how the boyo slouches – poor posture ’til his dying day, I’m sure.
I suppose this would be an amazing place to pause, and go on a rant about how patriarchal reins are laid on women throughout the world and how I’m not some chattel to be given away willy-nilly, but, really? In the particular social strata and culture I’m lucky enough to live in those sort of complaints are as needed as the well-intentioned-but-nonetheless-patronizing G-20′s Wives Club or those “top 100 women entrepreneurs” or “top 20 women bloggers” lists. Which is to say it’s not at all needed.
…
…
Moving on from that, well, rant, there was a series of prayers which required us to get back to our feet. Really, I think the priest had just noticed how clumsy I am, and was hoping to see me topple. He seemed like the type who would appreciate that sort of joke.
While we stood, the younger preist began to get the fire started. Now, the fire is perhaps the Best Thing Ever about Hindu weddings. Sure, other faiths have that unity candle thing going on, but who else has a proper blazing fire that you get to toss stuff into?
Yes, yes, I am a pyromaniac.
I suppose I should put in a disclaimer that, while my tone may indicate otherwise, I took Aditya’s and mine wedding ceremony quite seriously, and I fully respect the various Hindu pujas we performed. The Vedic tradition of using Agni, the sacred fire at the center of many rituals is one of the most moving things I find about the faith – I truly love the symbolism and simplicity inherent in it. However, I also firmly believe that seriousness, respect, and laughter can all coexist.
So it was in all seriousness, but with quite a few smiles, that we got the fire going *hem hem* for the next part of our wedding.
The priest helped some, of course.
And, with that, I’ll leave the real pyro stuff for the next post. (See! See how Adiya slouches! It’s borderline scandalous! )
As always, you can check out my flickr site for more wedding pictures.
6. May 2009 at 5:46 pm
I love reading these! Yeah, I married an Indian but with Manoj being a Catholic from Kerala and all, celebrating his heritage during our marriage was not so terribly different than my own! So many of my friends traveling to New Hampshire with us could not suppress their disappointment when I had to break it to them that there would be no cool “ethnic” traditions held at our wedding. Just your plain, totally Old School Catholic ceremony with a High Mass.
6. May 2009 at 6:24 pm
I'm so glad to see a new post! I enjoyed reading this. The pictures are great too!
I also made a mistake in our wedding. In the part where we had to throw stuff into the fire, I burnt myself on the fire and dropped the plate filled with stuff! Oops! I almost started crying because I thought I'd done something really inauspicious. Also when we did the phere, I walked too fast and they had to slow me down, hee hee.
7. May 2009 at 6:49 am
I've never actually seen an Indian wedding, just read about them, but somehow I always pictured the fire as bigger, more like a bonfire, I guess because it seems more dramatic that way. Does it get bigger, or stay pretty much contained (for safety purposes)?
7. May 2009 at 7:09 am
The fire gets significantly bigger, but it does stay in the fire pit you see in the pictures above. The flames ended up at about shoulder height (while sitting down) and very hot, since we were pouring oil directly onto it. Since most Indian weddings take place indoors, there is a limit to how large a fire you can safely create.
I suspect the super big weddings (remember, ours was a small, short affair by Indian standards) have larger fire pits, and thus larger fires.
7. May 2009 at 7:58 am
Just wait – more mistakes were made.
Sorry for the delay in posting; between a visit from my mom and basically a job change (same company, completely different work, lots of travel), there hasn't been a lot of time to focus on the blog. However, I'm eternally optimistic that I'll have more time in the future…
7. May 2009 at 8:00 am
Is it truly exactly the same as you'd expect to see with two American Catholics getting married? The clothing of the guests must've at least been a bit more “ethnic” than your average American church-based wedding, no?
7. May 2009 at 8:04 am
Our wedding was fairly big, and was held in a tent outside, but the fire was not that big. It was in a kind of brazier thing. But we did not throw oil into it, just rice and this powdery stuff and spices and things.
The regional differences are so interesting…our wedding was Jain/North Indian. I like reading about different ones!
7. May 2009 at 9:24 am
Our fire had to stay pretty small because it was indoors at a hotel. It only got about a foot tall or less. Silly fire codes.
We just celebrated our second anniversary, so it's fun to read your post and reflect on our wedding. Don't feel bad about your mistakes — at our wedding, the priest stopped in the middle of a chant and said “Oh wait, we already did that part.” Then he flipped through a few pages in his book to find the part we were supposed to be doing. (My MIL was annoyed, but everyone else thought it was funny.)
Madhuparka (I never realized that's what it's called…G's family just calls it prasad) is surprisingly delicious in small amounts. We didn't do that during the wedding, but have done it during other poojas.
Kanya Daan is G's favorite part of the ceremony because he sees it as a joining of families, not giving the bride away. My favorite part is the Saptapadi. I love the symbolism of being joined for life by taking seven steps together.
P.S. Good to “see” everyone! It's been awhile.
7. May 2009 at 11:09 am
Actually, 'Madhuparka' and 'Prasad' are two different concepts…
Prasad is blessed food (this can be any sort of food, but generally some form of sweets).
7. May 2009 at 12:23 pm
We had issues in our wedding, too. Doing things with the wrong hands, me getting confused about whether I was supposed to eat something, smear it on someone's forehead, or throw it over a shoulder – your usual confusions! I think it helped dramatically that the wedding video I'd been lent as my only in-advance explanation included a part where the rings got put on wrong, but were then stuck, and there was much tugging and making faces in the middle of the ceremony – and noone cared. It helped me appreciate that there are no “rehearsals” not because everyone already knows what they're doing, but because it's not a performance the same way it is here – it's a ritual, which you do with a guide. People come to be present when it's done. That's it. It's kind of nice, really…!
7. May 2009 at 12:35 pm
Yes, the no rehearsals thing is a little scary but also levels the playing field a bit! I like how the weddings are not so stiff and formal like they are here.
I was so nervous, and it was the first Indian wedding I'd ever been to, and all these strangers were there, so I kept my eyes/head down a lot. Later we got lots of compliments that I was even more demure than an Indian bride, and wasn't that wonderful, etc. But it was not that I am an especially demure person, just that I was so nervous that day!
7. May 2009 at 1:19 pm
Thanks for the clarification.
7. May 2009 at 1:37 pm
So glad to see you back, wonderful news about the new job (congratulations!!!) and also very glad you got to visit with your mom.
This was a great post! As it get's closer to my own…I'm getting a little nervous and love reading and seeing all the pictures I can! So I'm most definitely looking forward to more! Also, you two look lovely together.
PS: Bear doesn't call his “slouching” he calls it long term recreational relaxing. Of course, I was the fool who put that notion into his head. lol
7. May 2009 at 3:50 pm
Holy kimchi, that last photo is HOT!
8. May 2009 at 10:58 am
Check it out !!
http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/photos/gallery.j...
8. May 2009 at 11:03 am
Heh – I almost thought this was a spam comment, Chris, from the way you
worded it. Neat photos of an Indian-fusion wedding, though.
8. May 2009 at 11:14 am
Lucky for you your verses were translated – when we got married in Nepal I could have been agreeing to anything, lol…. Good thing my MIL won't even let me bow down to her feet – when I tried to follow this custom she said 'no, no' and hugged me instead – as long as she knows I will take care of her 'choro' in the big bad USA and make Nepali khana she is happy
8. May 2009 at 11:23 am
We had a full 3-hour(with intermission) puja, lots of different things thrown into the fire, ghee, spices, etc.. It was at Vajravarahi temple near Patan, Kathmandu valley, Nepal – they have pavilions outside the main temple with fire pits. Our wedding day was very auspicious and there were lots of other couples who came and went and did 'quickie' pujas that same day but we did the full show.:)
In Nepal they wear a special garland made of 'dubo' grass which Ganesh likes – it is used for a lot of important 'life stage' pujas like baby's first rice feeding, etc. – I don't think any other groups use this type of mala. Nepali wives also wear a glass beaded necklace called 'pote' which indicates married status like the mangalsutra – most only wear mangalsutra on special days and wear pote every day along with choori and tikka.
8. May 2009 at 11:34 am
Here are our wedding pics:
http://s124.photobucket.com/albums/p29/dharmabi...
pw is 'govisgirl'
8. May 2009 at 12:20 pm
Thanks for sharing your pics, Pattu Rani! It sounds like you guys went all out for the wedding in Nepal. I particularly like the dubo grass garland – it's very interesting to see how the traditions morph a bit from area to area.
9. May 2009 at 10:46 pm
So, finally finished catching up with your blog – no mention of any wedding details…
Do tell, at some point.
12. May 2009 at 12:24 am
Why? They wanted what we here in the UK call the Hen's night where we have all the ladies and a male stripper? lol
12. May 2009 at 12:27 am
Nice pictures. Very pious, may I say.
No offenses but your frame looks bigger than your husband's
12. May 2009 at 5:18 am
No offense taken – he's a scrawny-ass little dude. I must admit, the idea that either one of seem at all pious is a little more irking.
13. May 2009 at 5:11 pm
I just discovered your blog today, and this is a fascinating post. I too had an arya samaj wedding last year before a 'fancier' wedding, and this post brought back old memories.
I don't even remember some of the terms you mention here! I am impressed!
Now let me read some of your older posts
27. May 2009 at 8:28 am
And his Indian name means 'Spells like a Desi'.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090526/ap_on_re_us...
23. June 2009 at 7:26 am
i am so happy i found this site. Gori Girl i find your posts to be quite entertaining! i love reading your posts since i am a african american grad student that is engaged to a kenyan east indian…he invited me to his parents home yesterday and i backed out! i am just so afraid of what i may encounter. i get clumsy and anxious, but i figured if he was bold enough to propose to me and wants me to know them well.. i have to try..I just feel that me being black is like a double whammy, considering they wanted for him an arranged marriage. im just soo nervous
23. June 2009 at 11:54 am
Hi gsugirl, and welcome to the blog! If you haven't noticed them already, you might try checking out the forums – some other commenters have posted their stories there, and gotten some good feedback from others. Also I have a post on my first meeting with Aditya's parents here, if you haven't stumbled across it yet.
Good luck on eventually meeting his parents – and don't worry too much! Your fiancée probably knows what he's doing in inviting you to visit them.
29. October 2009 at 7:09 pm
My God! You look ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!! What can I say…
Wish you a very happy married life
30. October 2009 at 9:39 pm
Thank you! (And great piece on your blog
)
10. February 2010 at 7:25 am
Hi this is kolam…