Comments on: Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship Is Suddenly an Issue

By: aptiwl81

aptiwl81 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:57:00 +0000

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know the feeling. A few years ago, I was scouring the internet for any and all resources that would make me find peace. I’m an indian male married to a white american. We went through a lot of these issues when we were dating. Each situation is different, but the one thing I can say with certainty is that if you are strong and see it through, you will be happy that you tried and fought for love. The thing is, Indian culture loves drama. Absolutely loves it. Parents like to talk in extremes about getting sick, committing suicide, etc. I don’t know what it is, but hysteria is a common reaction for people not getting their own way. I may be wrong, but part of the difference comes from the lack of self-reliance in Indian culture vs. in the U.S. In India, a large part of who you are depends from “what your parents do”. In the U.S., that’s still somewhat true, but here, people are more likely to be judged based on what they achieve themselves rather than riding the coat tails of whatever family prestige or status they might have. Of course, there are exceptions that go both ways. The reason I mention this is b/c it helps to explain his parent’s reaction. Indians are used to having things done for them and not really having to get their hands dirty. So they idea of carving out your own future, trusting your own instincts, following your own heart and intuition–those things are severely lacking in Indian culture. Which is ironic, because the great religions and philosophies that come from India emphasize exactly that.

So, seriously, hang in there. A few years ago, I thought that things would never work out due to cultural differences. I got married two years ago, and though we run into the same cultural b.s. problems, we also are the happiest couple (Indian or American) that we know. You have one life, don’t waste it following other people’s idea of what you should and shouldn’t do.

By: ivette

ivette — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:04:35 +0000

I just came across this chain. I am currently devastated in my current heart break. I have found my perfect match. My love has been in the U.S. for the last 2 years. We are best friends and we have brought out the best in each other. He never imagined of meeting a spanish american woman and that finding the common values we have for family and so much more. My family respects him and adores him as a match for me. Several months ago he mentioned to his family regarding me. They are not happy. Just last month he went back to India to visit. And he came back with no good news. His family has made him feel so guilty. His father’s blood pressure was very high and apparently his mother made herself sick to her stomach. She went as far as accusing him…that if his fathers condition was to get worse and he was to die, she would blame him and it would be his fault. They said they are ok with one less son. I am so shocked. Considering that their older daughter who has been deceased for 3 years was cursed verbally when they denied her true love…and the young man was Indian. He has pushed me to end the relationship because he could not. He says he wants to stay my best friend for the rest of our lives. In my heart I can’t keep such a relationship when we are in love. I feel like being persistent and pursuing him. I don’t want to give up. I don’t break so easily. But after reading the above posting…I feel know that I may eventually break down. In my Spanish culture family is everything and so is the blessings.
What to do?

By: Nitin

Nitin — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:24:03 +0000

Okay, i just now came across jbf’s post stating your breakup. I’m so sad this had to happen. Urgh, im feeling angry (idk why).
Maybe go for another shot (if your still madly in love)?

Elope maybe?
But considering his family, that would be CRAZY….!

By: Nitin

Nitin — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:07:39 +0000

Im Indian. I live in Canada and quite frankly i would tell my parents to shove it if they ever tried to marr my relationship (not that i dont love them). I sometimes hate the Indian mentality because they have these fixed “things” that they would rather die than deviate from. My parents, if at all they try to veto any of my major decesions shall just have to learn the dismal fact that they can not control my life. IF at all they do oppose me, they will have no say in what i do. They will eventually learn to accept what i do. I really dont care if everything goes bad and they hate me for it.

I suggest that if you love him and he does too, to pursue him. Such a thing as this just can not go to waste. Try to convince him to be with you.

By: Lina

Lina — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 16:14:08 +0000

Hi… I just stumbled on this story. I’m in exactly the same situation at the moment.

I’m non-Indian and about to marry my Hindu Indian fiance. We’ve been together for 8 years now. Things have always been shaky but we’re crazy in love with each other that we always find a way to get past our issues.

But lately, our biggest hurdle has been his very domineering mother.

I could go into detail about what has happened but I live in the fear that one day, my story will be discovered online and used against me.

It’s upsetting that something as beautiful and unique as a mixed marriage can bring out the worst in people. I still don’t understand what I have done wrong, aside from being born of Indian parents. It’s sad that they can’t get past that detail, why they only focus on seeing negatives.

Their son chose to marry me. He loves me and they still can’t see why. I know I’m not a horrible person.

I pity them for not allowing themselves the excitement of their son’s marriage to someone he loves and loves him in return. That’s all the matters in the end.

By: Keshia

Keshia — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 21:58:56 +0000

Im so sorry to hear that after everything you did for the relationship it didn’t work out. I myself have to deal with my boyfriend’s very unwelcoming family. They’re so bad that I haven’t even met them yet because of the way my bf will be treated after. It’s very hard for me because I am so family oriented and because I also have a son to think about. I wish I could meet his side of the family because our future together seems so perfect and realistic but with most of his siblings and mother against anyone not Indian, meeting them isn’t likely. He’s already met my son who practically adores him and my family who accepts him with open arms. I hope one day I get to meet them and show them that I’m worth having in their family.

By: rk

rk — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 05:26:43 +0000

jbf, I’ve only just discovered this site but could identify so much with your initial post here. I just wanted to say I think it’s a very courageous thing what you did and I wish you peace and happiness in your future endeavours. Best wishes.

By: rk

rk — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 05:05:39 +0000

aptiwl81 – I came across your post while surfing the web hoping to seek some comfort from a similar situation. I’m Asian-Australian and my boyfriend is Indian-Australian. We’ve been together for a little over 2 years but now having to resort to meeting up under the radar, because his parents didn’t take it well at all when he told them about us last year. You’ve posted this a while ago but thank you so much for your timely and well-thought out post. It is comforting to know that there is a whole community out there with similar issues and it was definitely eye opening to hear your side of the story – thank you so much! I wish you all the best in your own struggles and I hope everything works out for you!

By: JD

JD — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 23:48:05 +0000

JBF,

I’m a Punjabi-American 28 year old male and I’ve been in the opposite scenario. My ex-girlfriend 31 years old is Korean from and living in Korea. We met while she took a year off work to study and visit America. We fell in love and dated while she was here for 7 months, 2 of which we moved in together. I live on my own and my parents are 2 hours away from me. Anyway, she is a traditional and conservative Korean girl that lives with her parents and has been very obedient to them her whole life. She was absolutely terrified to tell her parents about me (and never has). She didn’t want to hurt them and create the kind of havoc and conflict our relationship or potential marriage would cause. It’s been very difficult for me to accept this, and my ex was not really a fighter who would stick up for relationship.

Surprisingly, my Punjabi mom, who has been telling me since I was a kid to marry a Punjabi girl and would often throw crying fits whenever I said I don’t want to marry one, has been supportive about my situation. My mom even offered to talk to her parents, but my ex’s don’t speak English.

I really feel your pain, but you have a few options. Let it go or Fight. Both will cause stress, but the first one will eventually go away after a shorter period of time. If you fight it, eventually they will come around, especially when you have kids, but Indians are known to hold grudges for awhile (My didn’t talk to her own sister over BS family politics for 10 years). Overtime you will be accepted, but you will always be the Gori / white girl, and you have to learn to take that in stride, and not take it personally.

Moms are usually the most stubborn in a Punjabi family. My dad is very chill and passive, and is like whatever your mom says keep me out of it. It’s better to focus on the dad (he can slowly get in the moms ear) and just tolerate with the mom’s BS. She’s just being stubborn and protective. Show them you respect them, deal with their BS. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s common for Punjabi daughter in laws to deal with BS and often get verbally abused. Even if you were Punjabi, they will be all fine with you in the beginning, but then they’ll start complaining about you not having kids on time, your weight, your cooking, the way you dress, etc… You are just dealing with it from the very beginning.

By: Jzaik

Jzaik — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 11:54:35 +0000

Yeah, this story sounds like a typical punjabi woman. These north indians are particularly matriarchal. It’s no wonder that the sikh mother is objecting to the marriage of her son to a non-sikh (kaur).

This punjab region is a really hardcore region. Image, honor, and reputation is a real important thing over there. It’s the same area whereby honor killings and other such practices are endemic.

Sorry to hear that it didn’t work out. But it’s probably for the best. bon chance to you, though.

By: Gori Girl

Gori Girl — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:12:56 +0000

I’m glad you like it! Sorry that I haven’t gotten ’round to checking out the latest posts in the forums yet – we had a “minor” on-going crisis at work the past few weeks.

By: Lanny

Lanny — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:08:32 +0000

Yeah, my girl friend posted on there. I did it on here by mistake. Thanks for hosting such an awesome blog

By: Gori Girl

Gori Girl — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 22:06:22 +0000

Lanny, I encourage readers looking for feedback on their specific problems to create a post in the forums.

By: Shyamsunder

Shyamsunder — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 01:21:51 +0000

Indian parents recently from India have the following objections to American women

Christianity
Beef-eating
Older woman
Woman already with kids
Fear of divorce and alimony

Find out what her main objection is and see
if that can be tackled

By: Lanny

Lanny — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 22:34:27 +0000

Background:
In 2002 L, his 4 year old brother and parents moved to Texas from Hyderabad India to fulfill his dad’s aspirations of living the “American dream” in the United States. They landed in Texas because they had a small amount of family in that area and felt that there would be the necessary support system. Immediately L started college during the day and working overnight to help support the family. After four years he graduated and accepted a position in another Texas city so off they went. L’s dad was able to find a good job as well and both worked to support his mom and brother. After that year L began to venture out and make new friends, including his future girlfriend. The relationship started off as friends and slowly began to grow into a loving relationship which will be explained later. During this time his dad kept working, his little brother started public school and his mom began her descent into loneliness and possibly depression over the move from India and lack of emotional support for her. In India she was a successful Pharmacist and even was considered the “bread winner” for a portion of her career. She wanted to support her husband’s desire to move to the US and was convinced she would be able to continue her career once they arrived. Unfortunately she never had any formal English language training so it came as a much unexpected shock that she could not pass the necessary exams in the US to continue to practice as a Pharmacist. After multiple failed attempts she gave up and decided to commit herself to looking after the household and raising her two sons. Years later, she finds herself home alone most of the time because her eldest son works full time and has friends and a girlfriend, her husband works over an hour away so spends most of his day at work and commuting and her youngest has just entered middle school and his finding his way through his preteen years playing sports and spending time with his many friends at their homes, instead of his. Now that you have an understanding of this family’s history, here is our story from our individual perspectives…
From L’s perspective:
So here is a complicated scenario and would like to see what you all’s input is. I am South Indian (Telugu) and girlfriend is from Texas, white. We have been dating for almost two years. I am very close to my mom, and have considered her my best friend and I would almost tell her everything and anything. I knew she will be upset outrageously if I told her that I was dating a white girl. But I still told her three month into dating, and she reacted the way I expected. And my dad was also completely against it. She pushed that there is no way it’s going to work told me we had to break up, no exception. I really love my girl friend so I kept seeing her secretly. I would tell my mom that I was going out with my friends or whatever and I would go out with gf. Last week she confronted me and asked me if I was still seeing the girl. I told her the truth that I was seeing her and I want her to meet my gf, this way she can understand why she is so special to me. But my mom is completely against meeting her and just tells me every second she gets to break it up and not to go out with her. My girlfriend is very frustrated as well and is ready to do whatever it takes to convince my mom. As an example of this, when I confessed everything that my mom last week she told me to have my gf write her a letter explaining her intentions which my gf immediately did but now my mom is mad because she thinks it was too blunt and doesn’t care what my gf’s intentions are we have to break up. My mom had said she needed more time but would be open to meeting her someday but now she is saying she is not even open to meet her at all. Every hour at home is a living hell. Every time I go out, even just to the grocery store, she keeps calling every 20 min and tells me that I need to come back home and not see my girlfriend. I am really not sure what to do and what the solution is. One of my mom concerns is that my gf comes from a divorced family and she thinks for the same reason we will end up in divorce. But I keep telling her just because her parents are divorced we won’t end up the same way. She also has no idea how hard my gf has worked to have an accomplished life and works harder than anyone I’ve ever known to be self sufficient and is just an amazing person. I do understand she is looking for my future but for some reason she fails to understand that I have found true happiness and we will be together no matter what. But I love my family and believe it is my responsibility to take care of them and provide for them and know my gf would be a great addition to us as a whole, not just me. How can I blend this all together and allow my parents, especially my mom, to see the good in this?
From C’s perspective:
Eleanor Roosevelt once said “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” I have always been a dreamer and I’ve absolutely always believed that my dreams would come true. Some would say I’ve had a challenging life…the daughter of divorced parents who barely got along; we often did not have money to buy groceries or new shoes to start the school year. Neither of my parents have high school or college diplomas hanging on their walls but both have always had a fierce determination and a slight flare for the dramatics. I have a twin sister who has a degree in art and spends her days tutoring middle school and high school kids in math and her nights exploring her passion for belly dancing. My oldest sister is a wife and mother of two young boys and spends her days as a homemaker. I have always been the independent type. When I came home one sunny august day in high school and told my mom I had signed up to participate in the December Honolulu Marathon in Oahu in support of a local youth organization, she told me not to get my hopes up because we didn’t have the money for such things. Within two months I had raised $3,000 for the charity and convinced American Airlines to donate my airfare and cover my hotel accommodations for six days. I went to, and graduated from my top university pick, student loans in tow. And now, by the age of 25 I am a director over a multi-million dollar resort living the dreams I always worked towards. To add to that I have found the man who makes my days more exciting then I ever thought possible. When I have worked 80 hours in five days and have no groceries at home, he is the one to meet me at my door with take out so I don’t even have to think about what to eat. He has taught me a level of patience and understanding that I had no idea I possessed. Together we have traveled (secretly) to various parts of the world that neither of us have ever had the opportunity to explore. Not a day goes by that we aren’t able to learn and teach each other new things. For two years I have struggled desperately to understand his family and piece together the puzzle of how we can make this work. He has met all of my family and even (secretly) spend Christmas with my entire family, including grandparents, aunts and uncles and all. I have met his little brother and we try to take him out at least once a month so he can get more comfortable with me. I’ve been to every little league football game, basketball game, band concert and parents night he had for the past two years…always sitting on the other side of the room so his parents won’t see me. About a week ago L’s mom came to him and asked for the truth. He spilled his heart out to her and told her everything, there were tears, heated moments and the sweetest moments they have shared as mother and son. She did express that she was not comfortable with the situation and felt that it would cause them to be an embarrassment to their family back in India. But, she also said she understands that times are changing here, and back in India so maybe, with time, she would be more understanding and open to the idea of meeting me. She also told him that she needed to know from me, in my own words, what my intentions with him are because she has heard terrible stories of white girls using men for money and pressing false charges on them and all other manner of things. So I did just that…considering the obvious language barrier I tried to make it short and sweet. Three days later he handed his mom the card and went off to work. By the time he got home from work she was furious and literally yelling that she couldn’t do this and we had to break up immediately. He asked her what had happened and she told him the card was not personal enough and was too blunt. Apparently in the midst of translating it some of the phrases didn’t translate as well as expected and even though we still don’t know the specifics…she is a brick wall. For the past 48 hours she has turned the family upside down making her youngest son do nothing but sit in his room and study, not allowing him to attend planned activities with his friends this weekend. And is keeping a very close eye on L to such an extent that even when he left to go to the store she called him constantly tell him to swear on her mother’s life that he would never see me again, which he told her no. She is threatening to put the house up for sale and move the family to another city. Even though we went through these three months into the relationship I think we can both agree that we didn’t see this one coming. We thought time heals all wounds and that we are both good people and that somehow it would all just be OK. How do we make this work…It has been thrown out there that I just either stop by their house and ask to speak with her or maybe just introduce myself at the next basketball game. I don’t know what to do. I do know that the longer she sits in that house without actually meeting me and starting that process she is only going to think more about the situation and convince herself of the worst. In my mind there is no way we can make forward progress without the key players at least having face time. Any advice and insight would be so very helpful…