Ringing endorsement, eh? But let me explain…
Our recent trip to India was:
- Delicious. There wasn’t a single day where we didn’t have great food – of all sorts: chocolate confections at Barista, Maharaja Macs from McDonlds, crazy spicy Indo-Chinese prawns, the best chole bhature both Aditya and I have ever had, endless kabobs cooked to order, and simple-but-amazing home food. I won’t mention how much weight I gained, but let’s just say that there’s a reason I’m now working out six times a week.
- Heart-warming. We saw a lot of family, some of whom I’d never met, as well as a fair number of friends and close teachers that Aditya hadn’t seen since high school. More than once there was a dispute over who we would stay with, or who would get to take us around the city, which was both endearing and a bit awkward (for me, at least).
- Tiring . We visited Delhi, most of the cities of Rajasthan, Agra, Delhi, Bombay, Calcutta, Shantiniketan, and Delhi again in just a little over three weeks. Whew!
- Enchanting. Hands down, the experiences of this trip – the places seen and the people we spoke to – beat out any other travel I’ve done. We took thousands of pictures, and could have easily taken thousands more.
- Educational. Traveling through India is a fascinating experience for anyone with a curious eye – doubly so if you’re interested in development economics. Not an hour went by where I didn’t notice some facet of life that I could relate back to an economic paper or three, from the slow push of technology into the most rural of settings to the new hybrid cultures and social norms that appear in the wake of globalization.
- Full of only-in-India moments. From turning a corner to see a cow giving birth on a narrow street in Jaisalmer (post with graphic pictures to follow in the future) to incessant begging in Ajmer to traveling on a bus-rickshaw in Calcutta, our trip was filled with times where we’d simply have to turn to each other and laugh.
One thing India wasn’t, however, was hard. Let’s put that in bold:
India, this time around, wasn’t hard.
And that fact really surprised me – so much that it’s taken over a month to write my first post on the trip as I try to figure out why traveling though India wasn’t the challenge that it was the first time.
Don’t get me wrong – India is never challenge-free, even for people who’ve lived there their entire lives. Nor was our trip without its difficult moments – the one-two-three punch I got in Jaipur of a head cold, Delhi Belly, and typical period tiredness completely kicked my ass, for instance.
And it’s not that our last trip to India was so horribly difficult that this one simply must have been easier in comparison. Our last trip to India was filled with our amazingly fun Hindu wedding in Calcutta, a mini honeymoon to the Ajanta and Ellora caves (by train!), over a week seeing the sites in Bombay while staying with Aditya’s sister, Didi, and a chance to welcome Didi’s son – the first grandchild in the immediate family – into the world.
But as great as that trip was – and it was pretty awesome by any standard you could name – it was also tough at times. Difficult. Hard.
The first trip run-down (of me)
On the first day it was the jet lag that I felt I was swimming through; the traffic of Bombay (“Oh,” I quietly thought to myself, “I knew it was going to be wild, but, um, how have we not yet hit two cars, half a dozen rickshaws, and a barnyard animal or two?”); the noise of the horns, the people, the street dogs, the call to prayer; meeting my very pregnant sister-in-law and her husband for the first time (“Didi!’ Aditya called out excitedly as we exited the car upon arrival, “Your face has gotten so fat!” “How did he not get socked one for that?” I wondered); the six waiters hovering by at our lunch table, read to jump if the water level in anyone’s glass dropped more than inch below the rim; the contrast between the restaurant, the snazzy department store, the immaculate marble-floored home and the dust and grime and litter of the street.
On the second day it was the exhaustion of traveling yet again, the traffic of Calcutta (“Oh… fewer cars, more rickshaws equals more jostling and greater speeds. Spiffy!”); the announcement that the shower head was broken, and we’d be bathing by bucket; the delicious curry and potatoes… for breakfast; the small cup of tea when I needed a big jolt of caffeine; the pleased look on my mother-in-law’s face when I said I’d try wearing a sari. the family tree that I felt I had to memorize immediately (and then promptly lost in my non-caffiniated, jet-lagged fugue); my uncertainty in navigating the social waters of new family and family friends; the anxiety of a wedding ceremony that evening.
As the trip continued, there were the three days where I showered in cold water, having failed to comprehend my lesson on the bathroom geyser; the oddness of a maid, Sunita Didi, in the house, offering to sleep in my room so that I wouldn’t be alone after Aditya left to go back to the US; trips to the market in rickshaws; the subtle differences of hospitals in India versus the US (we need passes to visit Didi and the baby in their room, and we only get two per family?!?); the guilty and sheepish looks around the room when everyone realized they’d slipped into Bengali; feeling like an unsatisfied teenager as I ransacked my suitcase once again to try to piece together an ensemble suitable for the day’s outings, only to realize that I’d forgotten a head-covering for the historic Islamic site; the thrice-daily assurances that, no, really, I do like Indian food, and I don’t mind eating it again at all…
The good outweighed the hard stuff (not bad stuff – hard stuff) so much that it barely merits more than a footnote or self-depreciating story or two (“So, it wasn’t until the third day that I exited shivering from the bathroom that Aditya realized something was amiss…”) in the travelogue. But that doesn’t mean that the hard stuff didn’t happen.
I realize that this litany of difficulties is not that remarkable – most every traveler finds India hard (although I doubt most Westerners also have to deal with being a “new” daughter-in-law with family that you’re just beginning to know & understand at the same time). But it’s still the truth of my experience, and I think it’s worth writing out, if only so that everyone can realize that you can go into a trip to India with an open mind, a flexible attitude, research out of the wazoo… and still find it hard, at times. Plus, writing it out reminds me that
India, this time around, wasn’t hard – I knew what to expect.
And that’s the real message of this post. India was so much easier for me the second time around because I knew what sort of situations to expect, what sort of cultural practices we might run into, what sort of hassles there could be, and, overall, what the experience of India is like.
Pollution, dust, litter? Bring it on – I’ve got my hand sanitizer and a bottle of water in my bottomless IKEA tote. Beggers on the street? I’ve got a few Hindi phrases to whip out. Rickshawing down the streets of Delhi? Better than a roller coaster. Muslim pilgrimage site? I’ve got a scarf. We’re rationing water in Delhi? All I need is one bucket of water… preferably heated. Grocery shopping? I know what candies and snacks I’m picking out. And yes, curry for breakfast sounds absolutely amazing.
The knowledge of what to expect ran both ways – my in-laws now have the whole American daughter-in-law thing more or less figured out. One of the best moments of the trip was when Maa pulled out a beer stein in their house in Shantiniketan, and told me it was for my (grande-sized) cups of tea. True love in big shots of caffeine.
Aditya, in his one and only blog post here, wrote a lot about managing expectations to keep the peace between spouses or other family members (like Indian parents who possibly expect you to have an arranged marriage). But, in thinking about this past trip to India, I feel that expectations – developed through experience – are key in managing most aspects of an intercultural relationship. Having visited India – having experienced Aditya’s home-culture – I’ve learned a lot about what to expect from my Indian family and my future trips to India. A few days ago I wrote about communication challenges in intercultural marriages, and right on cue, Aditya and I had a small argument about me contradicting him in public. This is an argument we have both come to expect, since, as I wrote, communication remains our most difficult area. But with a clear expectation that we will have these sorts of disagreements – and having experienced these arguments in the past- has come an ease that I wouldn’t have expected in the earlier years of our relationship. Just like I couldn’t have imagined on that first trip that India, the second time around, would be so much easier.
4. May 2010 at 7:43 am
Yes, it is true, it gets better with time. If I am not wrong the picture above is at the Jantar Mantar Delhi or Jaipur.
…had a small argument about me contradicting him in public. Oh my, not Aditya, he is one of the guys I ask young people to read and follow. Read, I mean follow your blog and learn to be more accepting of other cultures and women with minds in particular. Just wondering is it difference in the culture or manly ego…
Peace,
Desi Girl
4. May 2010 at 1:50 pm
Actually, this is a step-well in Deogarh, Rajasthan…
For the record, I have more of an issue with the way of contradicting than the act of contradicting. Ultimately, communications between two people in a relationship should always be respectful – more so in public.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t correct your partner – just that you do it *nicely*.
4. May 2010 at 3:27 pm
Let’s just say there was a disagreement about tone and word choice.
5. May 2010 at 4:40 pm
One of the reasons I broke up with my ex, was precisely this.
She correcting me and/or cracking a joke on me in public…and I was like…..dude..I am supposed to be your Swami…WTF? Support me and not b about me, especially in public.
Why does America have to be sooooo different in this public face/private face concept? You go to Europe…everyone understands that dirty laundry needs to be kept inside the cupboard.
In the US….you know exactly how many times her 30 year-husband has cheated on her within the first 5 minutes of convo !
Anyway…GG….and other GGs (who would not like the “bichhy” epithet)…..best of luck with this. I am not telling to change, (another huge faux pas in the US), but merely that sometimes thrashing problems out in public and venting may not be the best solution.
Be Demure….defer..etc. etc..
Are you guys planning to live in India for a few years later on in life?
5. May 2010 at 4:40 pm
One of the reasons I broke up with my ex, was precisely this.
She correcting me and/or cracking a joke on me in public…and I was like…..dude..I am supposed to be your Swami…WTF? Support me and not b about me, especially in public.
Why does America have to be sooooo different in this public face/private face concept? You go to Europe…everyone understands that dirty laundry needs to be kept inside the cupboard.
In the US….you know exactly how many times her 30 year-husband has cheated on her within the first 5 minutes of convo !
Anyway…GG….and other GGs (who would not like the “bichhy” epithet)…..best of luck with this. I am not telling to change, (another huge faux pas in the US), but merely that sometimes thrashing problems out in public and venting may not be the best solution.
Be Demure….defer..etc. etc..
4. May 2010 at 7:51 am
Very nice post GG. India, like other parts of South Asia, can be challenging and rewarding, and it is great to acknowledge that. You can prepare, but sometimes you just have to experience it first with an open mind.
4. May 2010 at 8:06 am
I remember feeling this way after our second trip as well – as if I’d come into my own. Unfortunately, I felt the opposite and this time it almost seemed harder. Perhaps I should explore why…
Very cute about the big tea mug. I agree, it’s the little things that endear! For me it was a special purchase of Q-tips, just for me.
4. May 2010 at 9:41 am
Wait, you actually got to shower while you were in India? The only times I got to shower there were in a cousin’s new apartment and the hotels in Jaipur and Agra. Every other time we bathed in people’s homes, we used a bucket. I’m impressed!
This was a great post. We’re not going back for another few years, but reading this made me look forward to visiting India again. I think you’re right; once you know what to expect, it’s easier to just go with the flow. It’s funny, though — G and my BIL said after our trip last year that it gets harder for them every time they go. They said as they’ve gotten older and more set in their ways, it’s less of a fun adventure and more difficult to adjust to the differences.
6. May 2010 at 12:36 am
There are all kinds of homes in India and the rest of South Asia. Some people have jet powered hot tubs in their homes, others bathe in a river. Not everyone in India bathes with a bucket, lifestyles are very diverse…but anywayz.
GG I am glad you felt more comfortable on your trip this time. I also feel very comfortable going to Pakistan, but I still have one thing that makes me tense and that is that my two young children not fall sick from foodborne illness. I have to protect them vigilantly from foods on the no-no list, which is a challenge. When I am eventually travelling to the Pakistan from the US, I know jet lag will be a major concern there because I have a weak constitution and don’t do well without sleep, and will have to worry about my kids’ dealing with jet lag and further extending my period of bad sleep. I think things change when you have kids. Hmmm, also in the summers the intense heat is hard. I think these are the most challenging things for me in terms of travelling there.
Other than that, I love going to Pakistan. Like you, I love the foods and I love to eat. If you know where to go and what to eat, the food is amazing there. I love learning new dishes from my in-laws, too. I can’t wait to hear more about what you ATE!
6. May 2010 at 2:03 pm
Lucky Fatima, it’s really true, what you pointed out about all kinds of homes in India/South Asia. I’ve seen (and probably been guilty of myself at times) generalizations about homes, lifestyles, attitudes, etc. that are really more class-based than culture-based.
My husband’s family range from solidly middle class, to upper-upper middle class and really wealthy. I’ve been in homes that had very nice but more “traditional” Indian bathrooms with a choice of bucket or shower head, on up to homes that were fancier and more well-appointed than any place I’ve ever been in the US.
Gori Girl, I enjoyed reading about your second trip to India! You’re right, it does get easier! I can’t wait for our next trip…now that we’ve been there twice I’ve got my own favorite places to go, places to shop, foods to look forward to…
6. May 2010 at 2:54 pm
I meant my post about the showers to be a little more tongue-in-cheek than what came across. I know there is a wide range of homes and lifestyles in India. The homes I stayed in were all solidly middle to upper-middle class homes in the city, FWIW.
7. May 2010 at 8:16 am
Sorry, I didn’t mean to single you out…it just reminded me of that topic, and reminded me of other times when I’ve seen people talking about their specific experience as if that was how it was everywhere.
On our first trip, we stayed with my SIL who had a bucket shower (she has since remodeled the bathroom) and I complained about that a lot afterward…because it was winter in Delhi and I just couldn’t get warm all over like I can with a hot shower!!
7. May 2010 at 3:56 pm
No problem! I was also in Delhi in the winter and had the same problem. Makes you appreciate constant hot running water when you get home. (And soft beds, and drinking from the tap, and being able to eat whatever you want, and traffic laws, and every other creature comfort the US has to offer.)
7. May 2010 at 8:47 am
So glad you had fun and found it to be a little “easier” this time GG. I’m sure my second trip will be easier too! Now, I’ll know what to expect, plus won’t have to meet his 20 family members a few days before our wedding.
(with them staying at the house) It’s gotta be much easier next time for me as well. So glad you guys had fun!!
I had to use the bucket shower system. By day 3 or so, I was totally used to it. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy to use my shower upon returning home!
8. May 2010 at 11:24 am
I can’t WAIT to see your trip pictures! The one on this post I was excited to see, because I caught this place on a travel show once.
Great post too, and I read it with great fervor, since I am quite scared to one day make my first trip to India. Most likely going the same way you did – to get married and meet the entire family in one big bang!
Sometimes just the thought of it overwhelms me. And then I wonder what the heck I was thinking getting involved with an Indian!
I’m glad I have you and Sharell to ease the transition a bit.
10. May 2010 at 6:18 pm
LF’s comment and directive to “be demure” really rubs me the wrong way, and I should probably let it go, but…
I’m an Indian-American gal (born here) and totally got the “lesson” from my parents about not airing family issues in public, oversharing, etc. I ended up marrying a white American guy who’s even more conscious about it than I am
But it seems to me what LF is saying implies that the woman shouldn’t contradict/argue with the man in public, but doesn’t restrict what the man can say to the woman. This seems horribly old-fashined and sexist to me, and not a good basis for a relationship.
I hope I’m misinterpreting his comment.
11. May 2010 at 9:10 am
In order to know about Indian Spirituality see websites:
http://www.belurmath.org
http://www.sathyasai.org
http://www.kamakoti.org
11. May 2010 at 9:16 am
See: http://www.stephen-knapp.com/
11. May 2010 at 9:18 am
See: http://www.kamakoti.org/hindudharma/part2/chap2.htm
11. May 2010 at 9:38 am
Thank you for your informative links, KR. However, I’d appreciate it if you stay on the topic brought up in the blog posts in the comments section. You’re welcome to start a thread on this topic in the Gori Girl Forums if you’d like. Also, it looks less like spamming if you explain why you are posting these links, rather than just posting them.
12. May 2010 at 2:29 am
Thank you so much. Happy that you have responded immediately. This shows that Americans because of being a young nation do not reject anything on the face of it and go through its merits.
I am not a religious missionary but the truth is that each nation has a Central theme around which it revolves and in India it is spirituality. Hence trying to understand the spirituality of India helps to understand the nation much.
I sent short messages so that bloggers find it interesting.
12. May 2010 at 11:25 pm
Please tell me how to start a thread on Indian Spirituality and Indian History.
If we understand the history it helps us in understanding the culture.
In the meanwhile kindly see http://factindiablog.blogspot.com/ . This is a blog by a French journalist who has settled in India.
He is constructing a museum on Indian History.
Please see: http://factmuseum.blogspot.com/ to know about the museum.
17. May 2010 at 9:39 pm
“She correcting me and/or cracking a joke on me in public…and I was like…..dude..I am supposed to be your Swami”
What does Swami mean, LF?
I thought it was a spiritual figure.
23. May 2010 at 1:58 pm
I’ve had some issues with the contradicting in public thing, too. I can’t speak for all Americans, but I think for me it is an issue of feeling authentic. We all have disagreements, so why should we hide them all like something to be ashamed of? I don’t think you should be constantly criticizing your partner in public, but I also think that putting up a pure “front” is more play-acting than I care to do. Also, when traveling or visiting relatives, you don’t have as many quiet, private moments to process what’s going on, so things are more likely to boil over. Like most things…I think a balance is needed.
I haven’t done India yet, but we’re intentionally including a day in Mexico during our honeymoon in San Diego to help expose me to something non-US before we go (my only experience so far is the Canadian side of Niagra Falls). It’s good to know that, even if the first one’s not great, it gets better.
23. May 2010 at 4:28 pm
Feeling authentic, that’s a good way to put it. I remember once about a year after we were married, someone asked me if we were past the honeymoon stage yet and into the normal, everyday, little arguments phase. I replied cheerfully but truthfully, yeah, we have the typical disagreements that any couple would. And my husband got very upset that I had answered truthfully. He thought I should have just given some sort of fake, nicey-nice answer. I mean, yeah, you could give a fake nicey-nice answer, but any normal person is going to know you are lying, so what’s the point?
7. July 2010 at 1:18 am
The familiarity and learning more of the ins-and-outs of maneuvering in another country is exciting, and from my experience (visiting in-laws in Brazil, probably 15+ times over 23 years of marriage) it continued to get easier with each trip. It was building my own relationships with E’s family (beyond just being E’s wife) understanding that you won’t find skin care products at the drug store or marshmallows at the grocery store–they each have their own specialty stores!
For the family tree (thought I’d share an idea that was helpful for me, although it may be too late for this for you) on my first trip I grouped each sibling together with his/her spouse and children, and took a photograph–this became my “study cheat sheet” to keep everyone straight in the early years (my husband’s one of 10)
Sounds like it was a great trip!
12. July 2010 at 3:54 pm
This is so encouraging and I’m glad “it gets better.” I’m hoping (fingers crossed) I’ve been through the worst and re-emerging on the other side
.
13. July 2010 at 11:58 am
@NeoKalypso How is your trip going? Are you back? Everything alright? Didn’t see a new blog post from you on your blog. Give us an update when you have time.
13. August 2010 at 10:25 pm
I’m still waiting to go on my first trip to India……. I think I am more eager to go then my Indian husband =/
14. August 2010 at 9:12 pm
Interesting post! The thing about India is that even a native Indian who’s lived here all his/her life can find alien environments with alien cultures within the country. Me and a couple of college mates went on a slightly offbeat trip to rural Tamil Nadu last year and it was almost like a foreign country for us (we’re all delhiites).
Every single aspect of life was different, from food, to clothing (we were used to mostly western style clothes), to bathing, popular attitudes. Language was the most difficult part. There was only one guy in our group of three who spoke Tamil and Hindi in Tamil Nadu is useless at best and offensive at worst. English helped a bit, though not much. But all in all, an awesome experience even though the food wasn’t much fun to eat .
31. May 2011 at 12:41 pm
Hi,
I couldn’t resist responding to these posts. I am an american girl and about to make my first trip to India with my future husband. I am very nervous about the trip but at the same time extremely excited. I can’t help but wonder what to expect. Your story has provided me the reassurance that I will enjoy it all and appreciate the culture and family tree of my future husband.
Kim