Holly

Saying that they hit the roof is an understatement. I told my mum, and although for a brief moment I thought, “I think she’s ok with it”, she fainted! When I told my dad he was very disappointed and had to attend to my mum. My mum was in and out of conscience for a few hours. It was the longest day I remember. My mum (when awake) shouted abuse and my dad just kept on asking what the hell was I thinking. I, amazingly stood by my feelings and kept on telling them that he is who I want to be with. I was continuously told “leave him!” And even though I kept on saying no, my parents last words to me remained the same – “Tell him that its over!”

My parents said many things to me that day which I will not forget…”How could I do this to them?” “I’m stupid and foolish”, “I don’t care about them or the family!”, “I have no consideration about their feelings”, “You’re better off single and unmarried than going out with a white guy!”, “Never thought their own child could do such a thing!”, etc, etc, etc!! It was HORRIBLE!! And most of the abuse came from my mum.
This went on for at least 2-3 weeks. I continued to tell them that I was looking out for my happiness, and this is what I want. I told my boyfriend what had happened – he was upset, angry and wanted me to leave home immediately. It was hard for him to hear and at one point he thought it was over.
In my head however, I didn’t think it was over. Perhaps because I was still in shock and feeling numb.

Even my sibling (who never wanted to acknowledge my boyfriend), told me to “re-think” things.
It is so hard when no one is on your side or giving you support in your own family.

6 months later and my parents have still not met him, they still don’t truly accept it. I’m still with my boyfriend, but any mention to him about my parents he gets his back up and gets angry (not at me, but at the situation). Who can blame him? I know I would be the same.

I’m trying to make my mum at least meet him. I haven’t moved in with him yet, but I’m getting to a point that I’m so frustrated that nothing is progressing, that I’ve told my mum that I’ll be moving in with him. She was angry but this time didn’t faint! Its not the done thing in Indian culture! But to be honest, I’m 30 years old now, my boyfriend is 38, I want to move on with things in my life! The other option – wait for my parents to accept him until I make the move.

Fly – I read your comments and firstly I’m glad that you’ve posted something on this website. Your boyfriend needs to stick by you and support you when you feel like an outcast with his family. Its been 6 months since I’ve told my parents – at least your boyfriends family are aware of you and you’re meeting them. If he is someone you want to be with, and he feels the same about you…keep on trying with his family. I know its going to be so hard when my boyfriend meets my family, but I want him to keep on trying with them, as long as no abuse is thrown at him (regardless of culture/race – that is wrong), I would want him to keep on trying.

GoriGirl – My journey with my parents is still going through rocky roads, but I want to Thank You for putting this blog together. I remember that night I wrote my first post. I was in tears by the end of it. But the comfort I got (albeit virtual) reading others posts, and your comments are a small helping hand in this ‘journey’! Thank you.

Would it be ok if I got your email address? I am in desperate need of some advice about what I’m going through. Very similar to your situation.

It's hard, the double life. But I'm hoping that they'll react better than the first time I asked them if I could date..

Gorigirl, I still love your blog! you're the best for all of this.

My parents have been looking for suitors for me since the age of 22/23…I am now nearly 30 years old!!! My mum has said that she will not stop trying to find a suitor until I say yes. Even when I was single none of the guys my parents introduced I found suitable for whatever reason. I am always polite and courteous to the suitor if I met/spoke to them (I don’t want people saying anything back to my parents about me being rude/difficult), however each time I have knocked back a suitor my mum (not so much my dad) would give me the silent treatment. Leaving me to feel guilty of my decision.

One thing that is very prominent in my culture or perhaps more specifically in my community, is AGE! I am nearly 30 years old, converting that into my culture age, I’m practically an old lady who can go rest now. It’s not just my parents who worry that I’m aging and not married, but also family and family friends. When aunts or uncles come round, their Nameste’s are always followed by when are you getting married or I have a nice mundha (boy) for you. Even family friends are asking “what is wrong with you?” Or “Don’t you want to get married?”. My friends provide comfort by telling me to ignore them and who cares what they say!! Even though for the time I spend with my firends I share their attitude, as soon as I’m at an event or any festivity I get the questioning and what I term “hassle”.

So as you can imagine, we have a strong sense of community. And this is one of the reasons why my parents are against intercultural relationships. Saving face is a VERY big thing in Indian culture. As other commenter’s have described, there is a strong close knit community. And in some cases even though someone might be nice and comforting to your face, behind your back it’s a web of gossip and shame. My mum is very much a community person and the thought of her daughter going out with a non-Indian is an immense disgrace and highly shameful! I deal with this one by thinking, its all gossip – “today’s news is tomorrow’s history”….but people can be mean and throw things back in your face. And this is why I worry that my parents will become ill. The stress of it all will be too much.
I guess my parents have both irrational and rational concerns as you mentioned GoriGirl. My boyfriend is more than happy to go to India, he’s happy when we go to an Indian restaurant – or maybe that’s because food is being served?!?! ) He has not stopped me from praying at home or speaking in Punjabi or going to the temple etc.
GoriGirl I take on board your advice about explaining things to them – thank you.

My uncle has married a European woman. It was a complete shock to all the family and I remember when he told me, I EVEN asked him why? My family have never disowned him (as mentioned above, for guys things are slightly different and more acceptable), however it’s not been easy. It’s very difficult when both sides of the family get together, culturally things are done differently and there is the obvious language barrier. I think about those things, but perhaps I’m being foolish I try not to let them bother me.

I’ve never ever told my parents about any of my past relationships. I would have only told them if I was getting married to them (not been the case before), however I’m in a situation where I want to move on with things in my life, and my boyfriend is part of that. I would definitely not move in with my boyfriend before telling my parents, purely out of respect as you have both mentioned and above all they would wonder where I’ve gone!!
I actually moved out of my house (for the first time!) about a year and half ago. I couldn’t take the pressure from my parents about getting married and decided I needed to breathe. I found a room in a lovely townhouse near work and have been renting since then. For an unmarried Indian girl to move out is unheard of, so I had to lie to my parents saying it was for work purposes. On the other side I said to them that I would come to visit every weekend, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

I know my parents would want me to get married as soon as possible to someone who I like and obviously from a good family, and they want me to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that I will be telling them about a guy that is not Indian and I will be living with him before marriage is discussed.

Once again I thank you both for your advice and words of comfort. I’m absolutely terrified of even starting the conversation with my parents…..but I have made a decision to tell them and I hope to tell them soon – to bite the bullet and just do it. The guilt and secrecy is weighing me down..

~

Aurora gave you some great advice below, and I hope it helps a bit with figuring things out. Some points I would make:

1) I agree that it's not fair to anyone for the current situation to continue – not your parents, not your arranged suitors, not your boyfriend, and certainly not you. I've been in situations before where it felt like I was going around in a circle too, and, while it sucks to take that first step out of the circle, doing so will help relieve some of your feelings. Just knowing that things are playing out – even if your family reacts negatively – is better than being stuck in a circling pattern.

2) You don't mention why your parents are so against an intercultural match. How much have you discussed the possibility with them? If they simply have irrational concerns, there's not much you can do, but if they have rational worries (he won't respect our culture, you won't ever travel back to India, etc, etc) then you can take steps to explain why an intercultural relationship is not as bad as it seems to them.

3) In most cases, I think it would be best to inform your parents about your boyfriend out of respect before moving in with him (and do only move in with him if YOU want to). However, I can imagine that some sorts of people would take it better if presented with the idea as a fait accompli – if it's already a done deal, they might take it better. You know your parents the best, so, obviously, you should be the one to make that decision.

I hope things go well for you, and do let us know in the future how things are.