Holly

Saying that they hit the roof is an understatement. I told my mum, and although for a brief moment I thought, “I think she’s ok with it”, she fainted! When I told my dad he was very disappointed and had to attend to my mum. My mum was in and out of conscience for a few hours. It was the longest day I remember. My mum (when awake) shouted abuse and my dad just kept on asking what the hell was I thinking. I, amazingly stood by my feelings and kept on telling them that he is who I want to be with. I was continuously told “leave him!” And even though I kept on saying no, my parents last words to me remained the same – “Tell him that its over!”

My parents said many things to me that day which I will not forget…”How could I do this to them?” “I’m stupid and foolish”, “I don’t care about them or the family!”, “I have no consideration about their feelings”, “You’re better off single and unmarried than going out with a white guy!”, “Never thought their own child could do such a thing!”, etc, etc, etc!! It was HORRIBLE!! And most of the abuse came from my mum.
This went on for at least 2-3 weeks. I continued to tell them that I was looking out for my happiness, and this is what I want. I told my boyfriend what had happened – he was upset, angry and wanted me to leave home immediately. It was hard for him to hear and at one point he thought it was over.
In my head however, I didn’t think it was over. Perhaps because I was still in shock and feeling numb.

Even my sibling (who never wanted to acknowledge my boyfriend), told me to “re-think” things.
It is so hard when no one is on your side or giving you support in your own family.

6 months later and my parents have still not met him, they still don’t truly accept it. I’m still with my boyfriend, but any mention to him about my parents he gets his back up and gets angry (not at me, but at the situation). Who can blame him? I know I would be the same.

I’m trying to make my mum at least meet him. I haven’t moved in with him yet, but I’m getting to a point that I’m so frustrated that nothing is progressing, that I’ve told my mum that I’ll be moving in with him. She was angry but this time didn’t faint! Its not the done thing in Indian culture! But to be honest, I’m 30 years old now, my boyfriend is 38, I want to move on with things in my life! The other option – wait for my parents to accept him until I make the move.

Fly – I read your comments and firstly I’m glad that you’ve posted something on this website. Your boyfriend needs to stick by you and support you when you feel like an outcast with his family. Its been 6 months since I’ve told my parents – at least your boyfriends family are aware of you and you’re meeting them. If he is someone you want to be with, and he feels the same about you…keep on trying with his family. I know its going to be so hard when my boyfriend meets my family, but I want him to keep on trying with them, as long as no abuse is thrown at him (regardless of culture/race – that is wrong), I would want him to keep on trying.

GoriGirl – My journey with my parents is still going through rocky roads, but I want to Thank You for putting this blog together. I remember that night I wrote my first post. I was in tears by the end of it. But the comfort I got (albeit virtual) reading others posts, and your comments are a small helping hand in this ‘journey’! Thank you.

Would it be ok if I got your email address? I am in desperate need of some advice about what I’m going through. Very similar to your situation.

It's hard, the double life. But I'm hoping that they'll react better than the first time I asked them if I could date..

Gorigirl, I still love your blog! you're the best for all of this.

My parents have been looking for suitors for me since the age of 22/23…I am now nearly 30 years old!!! My mum has said that she will not stop trying to find a suitor until I say yes. Even when I was single none of the guys my parents introduced I found suitable for whatever reason. I am always polite and courteous to the suitor if I met/spoke to them (I don’t want people saying anything back to my parents about me being rude/difficult), however each time I have knocked back a suitor my mum (not so much my dad) would give me the silent treatment. Leaving me to feel guilty of my decision.

One thing that is very prominent in my culture or perhaps more specifically in my community, is AGE! I am nearly 30 years old, converting that into my culture age, I’m practically an old lady who can go rest now. It’s not just my parents who worry that I’m aging and not married, but also family and family friends. When aunts or uncles come round, their Nameste’s are always followed by when are you getting married or I have a nice mundha (boy) for you. Even family friends are asking “what is wrong with you?” Or “Don’t you want to get married?”. My friends provide comfort by telling me to ignore them and who cares what they say!! Even though for the time I spend with my firends I share their attitude, as soon as I’m at an event or any festivity I get the questioning and what I term “hassle”.

So as you can imagine, we have a strong sense of community. And this is one of the reasons why my parents are against intercultural relationships. Saving face is a VERY big thing in Indian culture. As other commenter’s have described, there is a strong close knit community. And in some cases even though someone might be nice and comforting to your face, behind your back it’s a web of gossip and shame. My mum is very much a community person and the thought of her daughter going out with a non-Indian is an immense disgrace and highly shameful! I deal with this one by thinking, its all gossip – “today’s news is tomorrow’s history”….but people can be mean and throw things back in your face. And this is why I worry that my parents will become ill. The stress of it all will be too much.
I guess my parents have both irrational and rational concerns as you mentioned GoriGirl. My boyfriend is more than happy to go to India, he’s happy when we go to an Indian restaurant – or maybe that’s because food is being served?!?! ) He has not stopped me from praying at home or speaking in Punjabi or going to the temple etc.
GoriGirl I take on board your advice about explaining things to them – thank you.

My uncle has married a European woman. It was a complete shock to all the family and I remember when he told me, I EVEN asked him why? My family have never disowned him (as mentioned above, for guys things are slightly different and more acceptable), however it’s not been easy. It’s very difficult when both sides of the family get together, culturally things are done differently and there is the obvious language barrier. I think about those things, but perhaps I’m being foolish I try not to let them bother me.

I’ve never ever told my parents about any of my past relationships. I would have only told them if I was getting married to them (not been the case before), however I’m in a situation where I want to move on with things in my life, and my boyfriend is part of that. I would definitely not move in with my boyfriend before telling my parents, purely out of respect as you have both mentioned and above all they would wonder where I’ve gone!!
I actually moved out of my house (for the first time!) about a year and half ago. I couldn’t take the pressure from my parents about getting married and decided I needed to breathe. I found a room in a lovely townhouse near work and have been renting since then. For an unmarried Indian girl to move out is unheard of, so I had to lie to my parents saying it was for work purposes. On the other side I said to them that I would come to visit every weekend, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.

I know my parents would want me to get married as soon as possible to someone who I like and obviously from a good family, and they want me to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that I will be telling them about a guy that is not Indian and I will be living with him before marriage is discussed.

Once again I thank you both for your advice and words of comfort. I’m absolutely terrified of even starting the conversation with my parents…..but I have made a decision to tell them and I hope to tell them soon – to bite the bullet and just do it. The guilt and secrecy is weighing me down..

~

Aurora gave you some great advice below, and I hope it helps a bit with figuring things out. Some points I would make:

1) I agree that it's not fair to anyone for the current situation to continue – not your parents, not your arranged suitors, not your boyfriend, and certainly not you. I've been in situations before where it felt like I was going around in a circle too, and, while it sucks to take that first step out of the circle, doing so will help relieve some of your feelings. Just knowing that things are playing out – even if your family reacts negatively – is better than being stuck in a circling pattern.

2) You don't mention why your parents are so against an intercultural match. How much have you discussed the possibility with them? If they simply have irrational concerns, there's not much you can do, but if they have rational worries (he won't respect our culture, you won't ever travel back to India, etc, etc) then you can take steps to explain why an intercultural relationship is not as bad as it seems to them.

3) In most cases, I think it would be best to inform your parents about your boyfriend out of respect before moving in with him (and do only move in with him if YOU want to). However, I can imagine that some sorts of people would take it better if presented with the idea as a fait accompli – if it's already a done deal, they might take it better. You know your parents the best, so, obviously, you should be the one to make that decision.

I hope things go well for you, and do let us know in the future how things are.

It's been a little busy for everyone I think, but I saw your comment and wanted to offer my support and perhaps some advice. Whether it helps you or not, I cannot say. But I do know that being there, having someone in the trenches with you, is a relief in and of itself.

I've written quite a lot on my own story, so I don't want to go into too much detail here. But the breakdown is this. I'm a white US girl, he's a Hindu Indian Citizen with traditional conservative parents. He's also the 'baby' of the family and the best liked. Give you a clue as to how well our relationship went over? I'm not going to lie to you, things are still tough with his family. But they are starting to show signs of coming around. It's been about three months now and they aren't as frantic about the whole situation. Of course now, they are giving him the ole' cold shoulder. I image to teach him how it would feel to be cut off from the family.

My own family love my fiance very much. My father and step-mother are very supportive, although worried about my future move to India but still supportive and loving. My mother has completely flipped out now knowing that my moving to India is a very real possibility rather than some distant and future dream. My mother and I haven't spoken in over a week because of the disrespectful way she spoke to me last. I simply told her that until she could learn to show me the same kind of respect that I show her, I would prefer she not contact me. She's chosen to take that path and that is her choice. I can't change it. I miss her and it makes me sad, but to be honest…my living my life in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, and is not illegal…well, I just don't see how that gives anyone the right to be so upset as to the point of being nasty, demanding or to use emotional blackmail.

Here is how my fiance (Bear) and I are both handling it.

First, you are an adult now. You didn't mention your age, but essentially, if you've been with your bf for 2 years I am going to assume that you are atleast 21. Perhaps a little to young for moving in…definately too young for marriage. In your culture, dating isn't really understood by the parents. I imagine living together in sin would be about as well received as it is for my parents who are good ole' southern folks. My suggestion would be to not move in with your bf until after you have spoken with your family. You are worried about showing them respect, and I agree with that. Showing them respect AND most importantly that you are an adult capable of making decisions and deserving your own respect from THEM would not work out so well with you moving in before telling them of your relationship.

I think it might actually make things much much worse. Especially since neither one of you right now are dating with marriage in mind. Your parents just wouldn't get it.

I'm not saying NOT to move in, I'm just saying to tell your parents first.

So, how to tell them? Be honest. You say you aren't close to them in the traditional sense. That is fine. You don't have to be best friends with them to tell them the truth. But before you do, you need to have more to say about your bf then just “I love him because he is sweet, smart, etc…”

You need to show them that you've thought about him and your relationship with him on an intellectual level as well as an emotional one. Explain to them the things you've learned with him and because of him. The ways that you've grown as a person. The common beliefs you share. Then explain to them that you love them and respect them, but that you also love and respect yourself…as they have taught you to be a good and strong person.

You best know how to talk to your parents. No one can tell you a tried and true version of what to say to them to make this better or more acceptable. Each parent is different. Each child is different. And so is each situation.

But what I can tell you is that the guilt will be much less once you have told them. Right now you are running under the guilt of what you perceive as wrong because you are in a relationship that is outside of the norms of your society. But that is what society dictates and society does not always take every man and woman into consideration. What is right for me is not necessarily right for you. Do not be tied to something because it is tradition. Do it because it is right for you or don't do it at all.

Trust me, this conversation with your parents will be the hardest you will ever have. I slowly started telling my parents more and more about Bear. It took me almost three months to build him up in my parents mind. Telling them “Oh my friend Bear taught me a new way to do such and such at work and it helped me so much!” or “My friend Bear bought me my favorite sorbet one day because he knew what a hard day at work I had had.” or (my personal favorite) “We all went out to play Putt-Putt and Bear and I made a great team and won against everyone else!” My parents at first were suspicious, but I just answered that he was such a great friend. If they wanted promises that it was nothing more than that, I asked them if the Mountain could bend to the Wind. I could no more control my heart than that. I used that because it was something that my parents had used on ME once upon a time. You see what I mean? Perhaps a good course would be to slowly start introducing him into your conversations with them about your daily life. My parents finally got to a point where they started asking me about Bear before I even mentioned him. Who knows what may happen.

What I can tell you is what a relief it was (for both Bear and I) when we finally told his parents and mine about our relationship and how serious we were. Honesty is always the best policy. It also can set you free.

My thoughts are with you…if there is anything I can ever do, just let me know.

~Auroracoda

I am in a relationship with a white (English) guy. I am a Hindu Punjabi, born and have grown up in London. We’ve been dating for over 2 years and no surprise here but I haven’t told my parents.
My parents have tried to introduce me to possible suitors for marriage (arranged), but not one of them have I found suitable. There were times in the past, even if I didn’t like the guy I would still make a huge effort in the hope that I would find something nice about him, but alas nothing.

I want to tell my parents now (they are still introducing suitors, who to meet to avoid any questioning from my parents, and then knock back), but its trying to find the courage and words that I find difficult. I want to tell my parents because I can’t keep on meeting these arranged suitors; it’s not fair on my parents, my boyfriend, and above all on me. My parents are traditional although they have tried to adjust to the ‘modern’ times. There are times when I think my parents will accept him, but I think about the reality of it all. Like Aisha, my mum has clearly stated and in some begged (that is horrible!) me NOT to go out/marry a white/black guy! Also like Aisha, I have a sibling who refuses to acknowledge or accept it.

I find it so difficult, and often I find myself going numb and almost brain-dead like. I’m not close to my parents, one might say we have a formal relationship. I’ve never been able to talk to my parents at a friend-like level, because we have very different interpretations of things.
Nevertheless I feel guilty, I’m scared that my family will disown me, I’m scared the shock will make my parents ill.
My boyfriend has said he will support me and be there for me when I tell my parents, and to date has never placed any pressure on me telling them.

My boyfriend is not at a stage for getting married (not sure I am too yet, but would like to some day), he wants me to move in with him before any decision of marriage is made. Living with someone pre-marriage does not exist in my culture – you meet someone, you marry them, THEN you live with them. I’m willing to do the ‘living together’ thing because of how I feel about him.
That adds another item to the mix – I have to tell my parents that I’m going out with a white guy and we are not getting married but will be living together…I don’t know how to explain the latter one to them (explain in a way that doesn’t hurt them more).

I feel like I’m going around in a circle and feeling numb is when I get to stop this motion. I am happy and in love with my boyfriend, I love my parents, but I am going stir-mad with thought of telling them…I don’t know where to begin…