Recently, Aisha, a new reader, asked for some advice from any and all on her personal situation. However, she put in her request on a post from awhile back, where a lot of you are unlikely to see it. So, with her permission, I’m pulling up the original comment (slightly edited) into a post with the hope that all of you can chime in with any advice you might have. In short, Aisha is a Sikh woman studying at a university in Great Britain, who recently broke off her three year relationship with her white boyfriend because of an increasing feeling of guilt regarding how her parents would feel about the relationship – if they knew about it. She’s asking for advice on how people (or their significant others) have gathered up the courage to tell their parents about a relationship that would be disapproved of, and how they handle feelings of guilt.
Aisha writes:
Hi, I’m a Sikh girl and have been going out with my white bf for 3 yrs. I’ve always known my parents would disapprove…they’ve always said if I brought anyone but a Sikh guy home they would want nothing to do with me and the whole family would be disappointed. My fear and guilt have meant that more and more, recently, I haven’t been happy in my relationship until a few weeks ago when I decided to end it. but now I’m regretting it and don’t know what to do!!! He was a wonderful guy who loved me and accepted me completely, but because of the guilt and loyalty I feel towards my family I feel I have lost the only man I will ever be happy with.
Reading all the comments on the post, Indian Parental Problems: When Your Intercultural or Interracial Relationship is Suddenly an Issue, I realize I’m not alone and that there are others who go through this, but sometimes it feels so lonely. I was just wondering how people come up with the courage to tell their parents in the first place and how do you handle the guilt?!?
She later added in an email conversation with me:
Here’s a little bit more about my situation…my sister(she’s 20) knows about my bf but refuses to acknowledge him or our relationship, I think out of fear of what it would do to our family! There are already a few intercultural relationships and marriages in our family and although my parents accept them they have made it clear that I can not have one…which is difficult to understand. I do understand that due to the major cultural differences intercultural relationships can be difficult and from that point of view I can see why parents would want to spare their kids those problems.
I’ll be posting my own thoughts and comments tomorrow, but a good conversation has already started between Aisha and Auroracoda, another commenter here, which I’m reposting below in the comments.
6. March 2009 at 12:06 am
Hi AishaS,
I know I've been writing about the difficulties my fiance is having with his family, however, I haven't written about my own issues. My family was NOT an easy sale on this relationship. Granted, I didn't get the opposition that my fiance is getting, but man it was close sometimes.
During those times, I always tried to be sure that I spoke to my parents as an adult. Respectfully but firmly. I did my research beforehand and knew what their concerns might be and was ready with answers for them. But there are just going to be times when nothing you can say is going to make them feel better…and then you have to give it time. Patience is a huge ally here.
I also kept telling myself, that my parents loved me and that this was the reason behind their behavior.
Also, you need to look at this from a different perspective. Part of the problem is that a part of you feels that your relationship with your boyfriend was wrong. Not because you guys weren't good together, but because of what your family expected from you with regards to marriage. You knew they wouldn't like it, so dating him therefore made you feel all icky and guilty and just plain bad. Now you are trying to find a way around it but that's going to be pretty hard to do since it's a learned behavior.
Einstein once said “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” This essentially means you need to tackle this problem in a different way. There are so many different ways, but the best advice I can give to you is to apply that which you know best.
What is it that you are good at? I mean, really good at? Now, let’s say you are so good at it and love it so much, it’s a respectable living AND you make very good money from it…there is no reason in the world why you cannot do this as a living. But your parents have never heard of it or if they have it’s been second hand and all bad and they don’t want you to do it. Plain and simple, they say NO. Ask yourself this, are you going to give it up, work doing something you hate all your life? Or are you going to do your best to help them understand what it is you do, show them it’s good values and help them grow…giving them the patience to come to terms with it?
I tackled my problem with my parents and with my own feelings of guilt from that perspective. And then I presented it to my parents in a way that THEY could understand. Maybe not agree with, but at least understand…and that is the first step.
Good luck, know you aren’t alone, we are all here….right beside you and experiencing similar feelings. >:D<
6. March 2009 at 12:07 am
thanx for your post auroracoda…thats exactly how i feel….like im doing something bad and wrong which is ruining a relationship that would otherwise be totally fine!! i do understand their concerns fitting into another culture is hard….not so much for me cos i was born and raised in england so i already live in both the western and eastern worlds but for him it would be difficult and i see why my parents would want to spare us both that. at the moment i'm at uni so the sneaking around isn't too bad but i'll be moving home in a few months while saving money for my own place and thats when it'll get difficult as we'll be living a couple of hours apart….which is why im now feeling i need to make some serious decisions about where the relationship is going!
i was reading on another site that people find it is only the older generations that have a problem with intercultural relationships but i've found that the younger generation do to…..my sister refuses to acknowledge him or the relationship and i've found this with a couple of cousins i've told aswell! i completely expect resistance from the older generation but i thought the younger people would be more open minded! i think with my sister its the fear of what this will do to the family which i understand. i feel i have to choose one or the other…..family or love!?!
6. March 2009 at 12:08 am
Hi AishaS,
Family or Love. Hateful three words isn’t it? Especially when it should be Family and Love.
I too used to think opposition only came from the older generation, until I did further research on the topic. There are people in the older generation that don’t have any issues with an Intercultural Relationship just as there are people in our own generation that do have issues with it. I was left sitting back in my chair and saying…”What the HECK??”
What it comes down to is this…there isn’t any hard and fast rule saying who will like it and who won’t.
I guess all I can tell you is my own opinion on this topic. Everybody’s got to have an opinion right??? Hehehe
My feelings is this, if my family and friends truly love me and want what’s best for me, they will eventually accept what my decisions in life are. No matter what, I will lead my own life, taking into consideration their advice and guidance, but essentially they raised me to be the person that I am. They did not raise me to be mini versions of themselves, doomed to a life of living out their lives. I have a responsibility to them yes, but that responsibility is solely that I should live to the best of my ability, being good and helpful to all those around me. It does not mean that I should let go of who I am merely to conform to their wishes, to society’s or anyone else’s.
So which do you choose? Who said you are making a choice between them by following your heart? You are being with the person whom you love and you feel is right for you. You are a product of your parents love and guidance and therefore are only doing what they taught you to do….to be the WHOLE Aisha. If you decide to continue with your relationship, be open and honest about it with everyone, continue to keep an open communication with everyone no matter how they behave and remember that “this too shall pass”. If they choose to distance themselves from you, it will be THEIR choice and not yours.
Apna khayal rakhna yaar.
~Auroracoda
6. March 2009 at 12:09 am
Hi AishaS,
I forgot to mention one other thing….you said that you knew that living in or with an eastern influence would be difficult for your boyfriend.
It would be important to keep in mind at this point that your parents think they know what's best for you and may try to push you into a life you do not want. Acting on someone elses' behalf just because you think you know what's best without taking their wishes into a sincere consideration is wrong.
Only you know your heart and only your boyfriend knows what he's capable of.
6. March 2009 at 10:42 am
I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties, Aisha – I can only imagine how hard it must be to be feeling such guilt and conflicting emotions. On the one hand, you must be feeling pretty bad about breaking up with your boyfriend, but on the other, you are probably feeling terrible about potentially causing such drama and anxiety in your family. It's tough…
Here are my thoughts, prefaced by a little background on where I'm coming from (I'm a white American woman married to a Punjabi Sikh man who came to the U.S. nearly 30 years ago. His parents are currently living with us, and fortunately, there's been no drama from his family regarding our intercultural relationship.):
You mentioned in your original post that your boyfriend loves and accepts you unconditionally, but then you commented that you knew it would be difficult for him to live both in the western and eastern worlds. Have you guys talked about this? Is he open to the idea of embracing at least some aspects of Desi culture? Does he want to meet your parents? If the answer is yes to these questions, I think perhaps you can take comfort from the fact that if you do decide to get back together and tell your parents about your relationship, you may be able to weather any potential storms together. By demonstrating that he is committed to you and willing to embrace at least some of your cultural background, he may be able to alleviate some of your parents' fears about what an intercultural relationship for you might mean. If you take an honest look at your relationship and decide that the answer to the above questions is no, then sadly, perhaps it's better that you have gone your separate ways. After all, you deserve to be loved by someone who accepts/embraces all aspects of who you are, including the aspects of your identity that are Indian (and similarly, he deserves to be loved by someone who can accept/embrace aspects of his own cultural identity as well).
Above all, I think honesty and open communication are crucial in any relationship, whether it be romantic or familial. If you and your boyfriend haven't already talked about your intercultural relationship, and your feelings of fear and guilt, then you should at least try to sit down and discuss these things. And if you do decide to make your relationship known to your parents, you need to be open and honest with them as well. As Auroracoda suggested, speaking with your parents as an adult, respectfully but firmly, is the way to go here. Be honest with them about your fears and concerns as well. There may be all kinds of drama, but if your love is strong and if you are willing to be patient, the storms may eventually subside.
6. March 2009 at 2:28 pm
thanx for ure comments mocroidh. the fact that our relationship was an intercultural one has always been present in both our minds from the day we began dating and it has been a frequent topic of conversation throughout our three years. he has always said that he would support me in whatever happened when we decided to tell my parents and he's willing to learn about my culture. i was born and raised in england so culture isn't an issue for me as i already live in both western and eastern culture.
however in a recent conversations he has mentioned that he didn't realise how vast our cultural differences are and that he now doesn't know if he would be strong enough to deal with the repercussions of telling my parents….so i think us going our seperate ways is for the best. in intercultural relationships i believe both partners have to strong and sure that they are willing to fight the good fight not just the partner who's family is in question and unfortunately for me that hasn't turned out to be the case.
i am however so grateful for the advice i have recieved because before this i felt so guilty and lonely about having an intercultural relationship and i thought i was a bad person for being in one but i've realised that its just a part of life and i've read peoples insperational stories on how they overcame opposition and are now happy…which gives me hope that people are becoming more open minded and accepting. after all love is love no matter what shape or form or culture.
6. March 2009 at 2:55 pm
Ok, let me be another voice here. I can't say my advise/suggestion is positive or negative and since it's coming free of cost, I guess you should not complaint (pun intended).
The more I read about Indian parents and the guilt trip, the more disgusted I feel, but at the same time I know why things are the way they are, having experienced it myself.
You need a gameplan and sticking together would be a prerequisite. You need to first prove the strength of your relationship to yourself rather than your immediate family, how else do you expect your parents to believe that the relationship is for a lifetime. Figure out your “chah” and the “rah” would roll out automatically.
If you the two of you can stick around (without the making the mistakes), attitudes will change automatically. One of the first reasoning behind the rejection of inter-cultural relationships is the lack of their stability or that its only physical attraction which would wear out once the relationship gets old. Unfortunately, in your case, by breaking up pre maturely, you have only consolidated your parents’ already given rejection of the relationship.
Perhaps there needs to be a rational discussion between your parents and you as to why are they really closed to an inter-cultural relationship. Once you get to know their reasoning, you can form your argument as to why your relationship be accepted. Is it because he is white (and thus the assumption would not make or a good husband/life partner) or that he does not belong to the community or is not a Sikh (with a turban and a beard). Once that is sorted out, you can draw your arguments – that he is not like that and so on… (after all you have already been in a relationship three long years).
As Naomi writes here (http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/expat-on-the-ed...) you need to convince your parents it’s as it is hard to find someone who you have a chemistry with to bother about other things. You also need to tell them they are not in Bhatinda anymore and that they/you are surrounded by people from all cultures, especially British people and its natural that you have fallen for one of them rather than one of us.
The other thing as is to prove that both of you are serious about ending up with each other and that cannot happen till the time you guys convince YOURSELF that you guys want to end with each other (by breaking up, you have given a negative impression to your guy already).
The primary concern most parents have is if their daughter would be in good hands and with the general stereotypical notions of westerners prevalent even in Indian communities abroad, the need to convince them that he's as good as Mr Panesar's son next door.
Also important perhaps is not to make mistakes which might make your parents feel that their daughter is losing her culture being with a firang. Assuming that he would be ok with you choosing to remain a Sikh, you would need to highlight the things considered 'good' among Indian parents even after you become Mrs Kipling.
I do understand your family's concern at the loss of Sikh/Indian if they give you a nod and the fear of shifting of loyalties. But before you go out to tell the world, you both need to decide among yourself that even after all the effort if your parents refuse to budge, you both can manage things by yourself (a.k.a. in the worst case scenario).
I can tell you one thing for sure, there's nothing worst is this world to let go of a person whom you think is wonderful and better still who is in love with you. Communication, as the others on this post have pointed out, is the key to convincing your parents. And I don’t think there should be any room for fear in a Sikh man/woman’s life, the guilt be damned.
6. March 2009 at 2:56 pm
Ok, let me be another voice here. I can't say my advise/suggestion is positive or negative and since it's coming free of cost, I guess you should not complaint (pun intended).
The more I read about Indian parents and the guilt trip, the more disgusted I feel, but at the same time I know why things are the way they are, having experienced it myself.
You need a gameplan and sticking together would be a prerequisite. You need to first prove the strength of your relationship to yourself rather than your immediate family, how else do you expect your parents to believe that the relationship is for a lifetime. Figure out your “chah” and the “rah” would roll out automatically.
If you the two of you can stick around (without the making the mistakes), attitudes will change automatically. One of the first reasoning behind the rejection of inter-cultural relationships is the lack of their stability or that its only physical attraction which would wear out once the relationship gets old. Unfortunately, in your case, by breaking up pre maturely, you have only consolidated your parents’ already given rejection of the relationship.
Perhaps there needs to be a rational discussion between your parents and you as to why are they really closed to an inter-cultural relationship. Once you get to know their reasoning, you can form your argument as to why your relationship be accepted. Is it because he is white (and thus the assumption would not make or a good husband/life partner) or that he does not belong to the community or is not a Sikh (with a turban and a beard). Once that is sorted out, you can draw your arguments – that he is not like that and so on… (after all you have already been in a relationship three long years).
As Naomi writes here (http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/expat-on-the-ed...) you need to convince your parents it’s as it is hard to find someone who you have a chemistry with to bother about other things. You also need to tell them they are not in Bhatinda anymore and that they/you are surrounded by people from all cultures, especially British people and its natural that you have fallen for one of them rather than one of us.
The other thing as is to prove that both of you are serious about ending up with each other and that cannot happen till the time you guys convince YOURSELF that you guys want to end with each other (by breaking up, you have given a negative impression to your guy already).
The primary concern most parents have is if their daughter would be in good hands and with the general stereotypical notions of westerners prevalent even in Indian communities abroad, the need to convince them that he's as good as Mr Panesar's son next door.
Also important perhaps is not to make mistakes which might make your parents feel that their daughter is losing her culture being with a firang. Assuming that he would be ok with you choosing to remain a Sikh, you would need to highlight the things considered 'good' among Indian parents even after you become Mrs Kipling.
I do understand your family's concern at the loss of Sikh/Indian if they give you a nod and the fear of shifting of loyalties. But before you go out to tell the world, you both need to decide among yourself that even after all the effort if your parents refuse to budge, you both can manage things by yourself (a.k.a. in the worst case scenario).
I can tell you one thing for sure, there's nothing worst is this world to let go of a person whom you think is wonderful and better still who is in love with you. Communication, as the others on this post have pointed out, is the key to convincing your parents. And I don’t think there should be any room for fear in a Sikh man/woman’s life, the guilt be damned.
6. March 2009 at 2:56 pm
Ok, let me be another voice here. I can't say my advise/suggestion is positive or negative and since it's coming free of cost, I guess you should not complaint (pun intended).
The more I read about Indian parents and the guilt trip, the more disgusted I feel, but at the same time I know why things are the way they are, having experienced it myself.
You need a gameplan and sticking together would be a prerequisite. You need to first prove the strength of your relationship to yourself rather than your immediate family, how else do you expect your parents to believe that the relationship is for a lifetime. Figure out your “chah” and the “rah” would roll out automatically.
If you the two of you can stick around (without the making the mistakes), attitudes will change automatically. One of the first reasoning behind the rejection of inter-cultural relationships is the lack of their stability or that its only physical attraction which would wear out once the relationship gets old. Unfortunately, in your case, by breaking up pre maturely, you have only consolidated your parents’ already given rejection of the relationship.
Perhaps there needs to be a rational discussion between your parents and you as to why are they really closed to an inter-cultural relationship. Once you get to know their reasoning, you can form your argument as to why your relationship be accepted. Is it because he is white (and thus the assumption would not make or a good husband/life partner) or that he does not belong to the community or is not a Sikh (with a turban and a beard). Once that is sorted out, you can draw your arguments – that he is not like that and so on… (after all you have already been in a relationship three long years).
As Naomi writes here (http://blogs.hindustantimes.com/expat-on-the-ed...) you need to convince your parents it’s as it is hard to find someone who you have a chemistry with to bother about other things. You also need to tell them they are not in Bhatinda anymore and that they/you are surrounded by people from all cultures, especially British people and its natural that you have fallen for one of them rather than one of us.
The other thing as is to prove that both of you are serious about ending up with each other and that cannot happen till the time you guys convince YOURSELF that you guys want to end with each other (by breaking up, you have given a negative impression to your guy already).
The primary concern most parents have is if their daughter would be in good hands and with the general stereotypical notions of westerners prevalent even in Indian communities abroad, the need to convince them that he's as good as Mr Panesar's son next door.
Also important perhaps is not to make mistakes which might make your parents feel that their daughter is losing her culture being with a firang. Assuming that he would be ok with you choosing to remain a Sikh, you would need to highlight the things considered 'good' among Indian parents even after you become Mrs Kipling.
I do understand your family's concern at the loss of Sikh/Indian if they give you a nod and the fear of shifting of loyalties. But before you go out to tell the world, you both need to decide among yourself that even after all the effort if your parents refuse to budge, you both can manage things by yourself (a.k.a. in the worst case scenario).
I can tell you one thing for sure, there's nothing worst is this world to let go of a person whom you think is wonderful and better still who is in love with you. Communication, as the others on this post have pointed out, is the key to convincing your parents. And I don’t think there should be any room for fear in a Sikh man/woman’s life, the guilt be damned.
6. March 2009 at 3:04 pm
Admin note: Jas, if your comment doesn't show up immediately, give it a few moments and try reloading the page; sometimes there's a bit of a lag, especially if you have a link in a comment. Occasionally something will be blocked by spam filers that shouldn't have been blocked – I'll despam it as soon as I notice (but you can feel free to send me a comment).
6. March 2009 at 11:40 pm
Auroracoda,
You totally hit the nail on the head with your statement, “Part of the problem is that a part of you feels that your relationship with your boyfriend was wrong. Not because you guys weren't good together, but because of what your family expected from you with regards to marriage. You knew they wouldn't like it, so dating him therefore made you feel all icky and guilty and just plain bad.”
I really thought my parents would hate me, make me feel that way, or my father might disown me. He talks harshly about my white cousins marrying black men.. it doesn't help that my uncle, his brother, said that he disowned his own daughter over it. I do have to think my dad is trying to change some of his views though when he made the statement that, if it were his daughter, he couldn't disown her over her choices, that although he may not like it, he could not just decide to quit loving her over it and would have to accept it for what it is.
My mom actually surprised me by saying it honestly did not bother her, that I couldn't choose who I wanted to be with based on a color of skin because the heart itself does its own thing. I was just surprised by her telling me that she was okay with whomever I chose. I was more disappointed in myself for not giving my mom the benefit of the doubt beforehand because she wasn't aware of it until the relationship was over. She is still trying to push me back to that jerk, but not happening.
7. March 2009 at 1:17 am
@GG: I waited for hours to see if the comment loads, it didn't so I wrote to you. Fanks for posting.
7. March 2009 at 9:01 am
I have great respect for the complexity of these issues. If anything, though, as my sense of the complexity has grown, the issues & costs of different actions have grown less clear.
My now-husband, who grew up in India and just came to the US for grad school (so, his family is still entirely in India – his parents have never even visited the US or Europe), told his family really very early on when we were dating. To be honest, it rather freaked me out – I remember being aware of it as being a big deal, and I felt like it should somehow wait until we (by which I meant “I”) were more sure of the relationship lasting. When I expressed this to him, he looked at me a little funny, and very politely told me that really, this wasn't so much about me – it was about his decision about the extent to which he wanted to be honest with his parents about what was important in his life.
I thought about this for a long time (in fact, I still think of it). Now, I'm not saying that what worked for his family is something that would work for every family, by any means – his family has never been one to threaten exclusion or even anger over such a decision, and I don't know what his choice would have been in quite that situation. But, I do know that it made me think differently about how I interacted with my own parents. I think until I thought more consciously about it, I hadn't realized how much my interactions with my parents still echoed a lot of how we interacted when I was a teenager (not entirely, of course! but more than I'd been willing to admit) – and that this was in large part to the fact that I expected the dynamics to be such. And, in little ways, which grow over time, I think it's really changed my own family dynamics.
Again, I'm not saying any of this ports easily over to anyone else's situation. But, I think it can be worth sitting down to think about what kind of relationship with one's parents one really wants long term – and what will be required to get there. If you realize that your current actions will leave you resenting your parents' role in your life (which they don't even know they're playing, at the moment!), that's something to keep in mind as you weigh this all out… whereas if you realize that talking with your parents, as equal adults, about some of the cultural issues that come up balancing Indian and Western culture is in general something you would really value being able to do long term, that might be a reason to find a way to broach the subject with them – whether or not you plan to continue (or even discuss) any particular relationship.
7. March 2009 at 5:32 pm
i've always talked to my parents about issues with culture inc intercultural relationships….esp with my dad. both my parents have always expressed their opposition towards mixed marriages. for all the reasons that people have mentioned in previous posts. i've never communicated with my parents about my relationships and stuff….although they've always said to me i can come to them if i meet a guy (as long as he's sikh of course, lol!!!). but for me as i'm sure it is for most indians its not really seen as appropriate to have relationships that aren't gonna lead to marriage so wouldn't tell my parents about a guy until we were engaged or close to it. for that reason i don't have an open communication with my parents when it comes to relationships…which i guess is not a good start!!
jas i love what u said that there shouldn't be any room for fear in a sikh womans heart….its true!!! but although i understand what ure saying when u say that by breaking up we're giving a negative impression, i just want to say thay i don't think we are. it was a decision that i made because after three years i still felt guilty for being with him and thats a long time to live with guilt and the strain on our relationship meant we both needed space to think. i don't think it shows us as weak…i just wish i had found this site alot earlier!! but now that i have found it i've found some hope too.
8. March 2009 at 1:00 am
You should explore the weird dynamics of dating outside your tribe and suddenly becoming interested in your stuff…..such as how I don't really care about Indian stuff except when I'm dating a non-Indian chick and make it past three dates. Then all of a sudden I'm all about Ganesh Chaturti, Diwali, interested in Indian culture and blah blah blah. Or perhaps it's just me sabotaging relationships…….hmmm…..
8. March 2009 at 4:04 am
Having grown up in UK, and having closely observed the South Asian communities there, i can sort of understand your situation. One of my cousin became a pariah amongst Hindus of Leicester (which is like half the town) for marrying a Pakistani lad. But anyways from what i've seen in my family, parents usually come around as long as you are prepared to withstand the immediate post-marriage disownment!
8. March 2009 at 3:25 pm
The guilt we all feel as Indians is a product of our culture, unfortunately. It's really hard to ignore when the society we come from is so collective and family oriented. In America and other western societies, the individual is rewarded for thinking about him/herself and is patted on the back when they make a difficult choice that ultimately is the best for them. There is understanding and acceptance in doing something selfish (using the word in a good way), even when you end up hurting the people you love. That is not so in eastern cultures because of their collective nature. Families tend to be more tightly knit, as well as the community at large. And because of this, there is greater pressure to yield to the wishes of the larger group, because everyone is watching. You feel guilty because you know your parents worked hard for what they gave you and they tend to feel more stake in their children, so it's really hard to hurt them. And you know the rest of your family and friends are watching too, because everyone talks about each other. You imagine how miserable and awkward the wedding will be, how poorly your family and your spouse's family will interact, how you'll fight about naming your children, about how to spend holidays, about how your spouse will never feel accepted into your family…the list goes on. I had a relationship with a white girl for two years and we dealt with all of these issues. We were happy together, but the weight of a lot of these questions began to make us grow apart from one another, and we ended up breaking up with each other. And I think the both of us were relieved in a way to have the relationship end, mainly because I wasn't able to resolve the guilt and frustration I was dealing with. And the sad thing was that when things ended, I thought the answer was just to give in and accept what my parents wanted. I figured that I could find an Indian girl that would make me happy and my parents happy, and so that everyone would be happy.
Unfortunately, as the months have passed on, I've come to realize what I compromised when I gave up the relationship, and it has been tearing me apart. Accepting what my parents want is not what's really for me. I am Indian, but my affinity for the culture is lacking. I don't listen to Indian music, I don't like Indian movies, I don't speak my mother tongue, I don't know know much about India at all really. It's not that I am embarrassed about my heritage, but I grew up embracing a different culture. And I've always tried talking to my parents about it as much as I can, trying to make them understand who I am and what I want. Unfortunately, I was never forceful enough, and this time they were able to push me around enough to destroy my relationship. And now a day doesn't go by that I regret how I acted. I loved my girlfriend so much, and I ended up throwing away a relationship that I wanted to keep for the rest of my life.
The guilt never goes away until you stand up for what you want. I have always felt at the mercy of my parents wishes, and for most of my life it really didn't interfere too much with what I wanted. But when it comes to the person you're going to marry, it needs to be your choice. A couple weeks ago I finally stood up to my parents and told them how I was going to live my life, and that they either had the choice of supporting me fully, or walking away from my life until after I get married. It's hard to think of that as an option, and I know for a long time I fought against it because I always convinced myself that things were never that bad, that things would somehow work out. But what I've learned over the past few months is that that guilt controls you and eats you up inside. It was a really hard conversation, but I felt infinitely better, and liberated for the first time in my life. I am not worried anymore about how my wedding is going to be, about how I am going to raise my kids or how I am going to name them. It will be all on my terms. I love my family a lot, but the weight of not being able to do what I want was too suffocating. It's hard for Indians to be selfish like that, but for someone like me, there's no other way I can be happy. Throwing away a love like that was not worth my family's approval. And I know it is hard for my family to swallow, and I know things will get worse before they get better, but time heals all wounds, and I know they will eventually come around.
1. October 2009 at 4:28 am
Hi Virinder!
Would it be ok if I got your email address? I am in desperate need of some advice about what I’m going through. Very similar to your situation.
1. October 2009 at 9:29 am
aha80 – not sure if you’re going to get any responses from people who posted once or twice six months ago. However, if you post your story in the Forums section of this site, other people may be able to give you some advice.
8. March 2009 at 4:27 pm
virinder you have completely summerised the way i feel!!!!! in regards to ending things with my bf im at the stage where part of me is relieved now that the guilt has ended and a part of me is scared that in years to come i am going to totally regret this decision.
i do get scared about how the wedding would be or how our families would get along…i think the issue with me is that i'm not that detached from my asian routes….i watch indian movies and listen to the music and i'm proud of it!! my ex knows this and he never at any point asked me to change but the fact that i am so involved in my indian culture means that i would always be thinking about how him and his family would fit in and the awkwardness that would come with it……as the western culture is so different!
8. March 2009 at 5:41 pm
I understand what you're saying. It's difficult to give advice for problems like these because all of our situations are unique, and no 1 solution is the best one. For someone like me, I get almost of my support and understanding from my friends (who happen to be all non-Indians), so breaking away is a little easier to deal with. I was just so tired of not understanding what my path in life was going to look like and being afraid of the future; the ambivalence of trying to accept two paths at once was tearing me apart. I'm still trying to recover from what I lost, but for the first time in my life, I am not scared of the future anymore. And that means everything to me right now.
Best of luck to you. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it seems like the regret will hit at some point, and it will hurt a lot. I'm sure a lot of people who tried the same path we have have dealt with the same emotions. If you find yourself in the same situation the next time around, make sure you're not ambivalent about what you want; one of the most important things about being with someone outside your culture is letting them know that you're committed to them 100%, because they are probably just as worried as you are. And when you don't stand up for them or for yourself, it's only a matter of time before things fall apart.
9. March 2009 at 7:39 pm
i don't feel guilty about my relationship with my boyfriend for several reasons. The main reason for this would be the fact that I love him with all my heart, and he loves me. What we have with each other is amazing, and I've never felt anything like it before. Just because his parents are against us doesn't mean we should lose hope and give up each other; no matter what they have said about me it won't break my love for him.
9. March 2009 at 10:19 pm
Kat, that's great that you don't feel any guilt about your relationship – I didn't mean to suggest that anyone ought to, by any means!
I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend's parents aren't supportive of your relationship. Feel free to tell us as much or as little about it, if you think it'll help – we're all pretty supportive here.
9. March 2009 at 10:29 pm
Virinder, this was a really great comment – it's quite inspiring to read about your thought process and how you've come to terms with your family on this issue. Thanks for sharing!
I do want to tell you, though, that I don't think it's selfish for you to follow your own heart on this matter. Self-interested, or self-centered, perhaps, but those terms are not identical to selfish (or else why would we have the extra words?). Selfishness is a concern for your own interests and a disregard for others. From your words, it sounds like you don't at all disregard your parents in this matter – you care about them, and want them to be a part of your life, even though you aren't willing to follow their feelings regarding intercultural relationships. It would be true selfishness, I think, to lie to your family about your relationships and life in the long-term because you didn't want to face up to a difficult conversation.
9. March 2009 at 10:49 pm
Aisha, I think you've gotten a lot of really great feedback here, so I don't have too much to add. However, just to play off this last comment a little…
I think that things like another culture's music, or movies, or even wedding ceremonies are not the biggest barriers in an intercultural relationship. Sure, I never imagined coming home to hear Hindi music playing on the stereo, or that my closet would hold half a dozen saris (or that I'd get married in one!), but these sorts of things are very easy to get used to if each partner is willing to bend a little and accept a slightly different “household life”. These are all surface things in a way, you know?
Deeper things like how families interact or the parent-child relationship can be more difficult. However, these differences aren't things that I think you should fear – it's much better to see them as challenges or learning experiences. They do take planning, careful consideration, and, at times, more than a little diplomacy. With patience, though, I do think the vast majority of problems can be overcome, if everyone involved is willing to make a good-faith effort.
I know my parents have had some difficulties with their unexpected Indian son-in-law. They're slowly coming around, though, and becoming more comfortable with the situation. My mother, for instance, was quite worried about the “closeness” of Indian families, and had heard stories about mean MILs bossing around their daughter-in-laws (just goes to show the stereotyping goes both ways – Indian families are “suffocating” and Western people don't care about family at all). However, she's come to appreciate how Aditya sees family – she's visiting us right now while between work, and has felt really touched by the way he's welcomed her wholeheartedly. I don't think she was expecting that from any son-in-law.
10. March 2009 at 11:35 pm
Do Indian guys marry White chicks more? Or do Indian chicks marry White guys more? According to an article I read in Nirmala magazine, Indian boys tend to marry Black chicks more. The respondents of this website seem to contradict this though….. No stats on Indian chicks marrying White boys. From my experience, though, I see more Indian chicks with White guys.
11. March 2009 at 6:46 am
I don't think there are any scientific studies done on this population group
- certainly not any encompassing the whole of the Indian population both in
the country and the diaspora – and any anecdotal evidence on a topic like
this wouldn't be worth much of anything.
Happy Holi, everyone, btw.
11. March 2009 at 10:35 am
All I know is that Rachel Lucas is my latest crush. If that's what happens when Black people and Desi people mix, I need to get a Black chick…….or find a chick who's the product of such a union.
11. March 2009 at 10:47 am
I wonder if there is also the “immigrant” angle to it. Many immigrants who came to the UK and the west in the 1960s and 1970s still hold on to some frozen-in-time version of Indian culture, especially because they felt ill-at-ease in their new lands (and because they never had internet or cable TV, and air tickets and phone calls were expensive, they couldn't keep up with changing norms in the home country, either). I find that many Indians in India – even the older generation, actually make that especially the older generation – are far more accepting of their foreign sons- and daughters-in-law, than the average Auntyji sitting in Houston or Detroit, watching re-runs of Indian soap operas on TV.
11. March 2009 at 6:43 pm
I'm not the Indian one and YES sometimes I do.
I was married before and his parents are totally against us being together for that reason alone… I hate it .. wish it was not the case but I can't change history. Am I so unfit for marriage – even though I now know what goes into making a relationship work?
Sometimes I wish I could have just been attracted to some good old southern boy with blonde hair and a fascination for big trucks. But that's not the case. I'm not. Maybe a lot of these people are right, that it's easier to marry within your race .. .but look at all the white couples who divorce too, how can this be the case?
So yeah, it's not just the Indians who have the guilt… I feel bad for putting his parents in pain, for failing at a relationship (but i'd never go back)… and now it would just be better to end up with a white guy whose parents don't care who he marries… but that's not who I'm in love with. And it does feel selfish to know that his parents could be ostracized for it but that I'm not going anywhere.
11. March 2009 at 7:53 pm
Ummm……I meant Jessica Lucas
l
11. March 2009 at 8:11 pm
He meant Jessica Lucas.
12. March 2009 at 9:11 am
I think there definitely is. Since non-immigrants haven't been exposed to the whole “we're going to lose our/our children's/our grandchildren's identity!” panic attack as soon as they land unto foreign soil. They may still have some stereotypes or bias against interracial couples however, since they haven't interacted with many people outside of their race. Yet, since they don't have any 'real' constructive image of them, or a sense of fear towards 'losing their generation' by being exposed to them, they aren't all that on guard. It was unfortunate that when my cousin married a European, her immediate family (living in South Asia) was a bit bewildered but they weren't explicitly against it – yet her extended family living *here* in North America were in much more anguish and criticism.
13. March 2009 at 10:09 am
“If you the two of you can stick around (without the making the mistakes), attitudes will change automatically. One of the first reasoning behind the rejection of inter-cultural relationships is the lack of their stability or that its only physical attraction which would wear out once the relationship gets old. Unfortunately, in your case, by breaking up pre maturely, you have only consolidated your parents’ already given rejection of the relationship.”
I don't know if I agree about this always being the concern of family. In my case, his family is not concerned about that at all.. in fact.. they think I am very nice! Their concern is not really about their own feelings either, but rather what their society will think about them. Their worry is that “we have to live in that society” and while their son and I can leave, they cannot. So how are they to deal with these bad judgements by others if their son marries outside the community?
I don't really hear anyone dealing with this concern… Maybe other families don't have this concern as much… but I usually hear the worries of 'it's not going to last' or 'westerners get divorced all the time' addressed, but what about the issues of the family themselves and their society… I mean, if it were me I would say “I don't care what other people think if I know it's right” but that is easy for me to say because I am not in their position. And who knows, maybe the society wouldn't react as badly as they think…
Does anyone have an experience/suggestions for dealing with these concerns?
13. March 2009 at 10:10 am
From my own experience, I think that Indian guys marry outside of their community more than Indian girls… a lot of girls I know feel more pressure to conform to tradtion and feel more fear of being rejected or disowned by family than boys.
13. March 2009 at 11:57 am
Hi LinZi!
First off, I love your blog space!
Secondly, this topic has been a little bit of a sore subject for me, especially when it comes down to one of the reasons why a relationship is not accepted.
Yes, I fully understand and grasp that our (American) culture is different from India’s with respects to community and familial ties. However, one thing people tend to forget is that even though India has a much stronger bond with respects to that, she also is not ignorant to social “changes”. India has gone through many of them, both before her Independence and since.
So, to address that, I would like to use the one argument I use for myself. To help ease my own guilt over this topic, and yes, this was one of the reasons why my fiancé’s family is opposing our union. How it will look in society. How they, and we, will be viewed.
This is one of the reasons why I said it’s important to study and understand the culture and the society do’s and don’ts, of your fiancé. If you are better informed, you will be better off dealing with issues as they arise. Perhaps it won’t ever be information that you can use to convince them but it might be information that you can use to feel better.
So, with that being said, here is what I recommend. Hit the Internet or go to your local Library and start researching the following people:
Bhagat Singh
Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
Sonia Gandhi
Sachin Tendulkar
These are just to name a few.
Bhagat and Gandhi are easily recognizable to anyone with more than just a common interest in India. They both stood up and fought for what they believed in, in their own ways and on their own terms. They were not popular with everyone. Some people accepted them and other’s did not. Ask yourself this one question, would it be a true statement, that because not everyone agreed with them, that what they were doing was wrong? My belief is if you believe what you are doing is morally correct, intellectually sound and matches what your heart tells you to do (and of course is not illegal…come on there is boundaries to everything) then I don’t really care if there is only one person who supports you and that is yourself. Not every person who sets out to do something is setting out to change the world…sometimes changing the world is just a by-product of someone saying “HEY! This isn’t right!”
Now, apply that to your situation. The ONLY reason why you would see a difference is because we are talking about an emotional relationship and the saving of a people. But every one knows that it only takes one drop of water to make the whole pond ripple. I’ve heard people use the same excuse, and to me it’s still just an excuse. Why do people feel that a relationship and the RIGHT to have that relationship are not just as important? Why, because inherently we do not believe we have a right to happiness? To love?
Sonia Gandhi and Sachin Tendulkar both married outside of what society would call acceptable. Sonia is Italian born. She is not of Indian or Hindu descent. And yet, she married into one of the more prominent political families of India and has since gone on to become the President of the Indian National Congress.
Sachin Tendulkar, considered one of the greatest batsmen in the history of cricket. He, of all people, would be the most watched of an entire country. His every move scrutinized both on the field and off. And yet, Sachin did one of the major big NO NO’s in Hindu society. He married a woman 6 years his senior.
These are just a few examples. There are many more to be found with just a little bit of research. I’m not suggesting that you should use these to help your fiancés family deal with how society will react (and I’m not saying NOT to either). What I am trying to provide is a source of a little less guilt for you. And the knowledge that India is not always (nor in total) viewing Intercultural Relationships as a bad one.
13. March 2009 at 12:05 pm
Also, one more thing…after rereading my post, I realize that it sounded like I was saying for you to get to know the culture…when obviously you've lived there and are familiar with it. I think I should have been more specific and said the culture of his family.
My fiance's family pray differently, think differently, associate differently from yours or Gori's or anyone's. Only my fiance can tell me these things and only knowing these things will help us both to help HIS family come to terms with our future marriage.
~A
13. March 2009 at 8:11 pm
I actually corrected myself. Why did you remove that post?
13. March 2009 at 8:44 pm
Because you pushed enter about twelve or fifteen times, creating a
super-long comment that made it difficult to read the others.
If you claim your discus profile, you'll be able to edit your comments
easily, so you won't need to correct it in a subsequent post, btw.
16. March 2009 at 8:56 am
I also think our (us desi's) views on interrcultural/interracial marriage is reinforced by the fact that we grow up in shame AND guilt societies. The fact that we are meant to be a certain way, makes us feel that if we do not exactly do what is outlined by our parents/society/religion, we're either evil or deserve to be ostracized. While it's a great way to keep morals in check (or just reinforce backward attitude towards race, what ever flows your boat hehe), I wonder how much it does for a person's own personal happiness.
17. March 2009 at 9:42 pm
Latest comment on Sepia Mutiny:
'But from my perspective, I think that I noticed that Indian-White marriages are much more unstable than Indian-Indian marriages. Does anyone care to elaborate?'
Thought you might have something to add….
19. March 2009 at 6:06 am
Is there a statistic on that? It's hard to say, since interracial marriages aren't as common as same-race unions, and so there is more scrutiny placed on them. The chances of you having immensely different values (directly due to differences in ethnic cultural influences) are much higher – however, I think any relationship, no matter what race, is doomed to fail if you don't have similar ideas about things that you hold dear to in life.
19. March 2009 at 7:27 am
Just an anectdote, but the only divorce ever in G's family was an Indian-Indian one, in which both people were from the same community. Every other marriage, including ones from the same Indian community, ones from different Indian communities, and Indian-White ones, are still going strong. Oh, and G's cousin married a divorced guy from a different community; his first marriage was an arranged one to a woman from his community. So in my limited experience, Indian-Indian marriages are more likely to fail than Indian-White ones. :p
Bottom line: it's all a matter of finding the right person, no matter what race/religion/etc.
19. March 2009 at 12:54 pm
Here's another point of view. We just eloped and didn't tell anybody for a month. On paper, we didn't match: me, Jewish from US, him Catholic/Agnostic from Brazil. Me, college graduate, him, not finished with school; me English, him Portuguese, etc. But we realized the US Divorce rate was at 50%, most of the people commenting were in bad or non-existent relationships, and so we decided that we didn't need to be judged by people who certainly didn't have the answer. Yes, it was hard for both our parents at first, but after 21 years of marriage (actually, after about a year of marriage) everyone realizes we are committed to each other. (My dad tells the story how after we announced we were married, he went into the kitchen, poured a glass of wine, looked at the glass, looked at the bottle, and then just took a swig straight out of the bottle!)
In retrospect, we always showed commitment to each other first as a common front before any who would pass judgment, including family. We each take responsibility for our part of creating traditions–I initiate lighting the menorah and making the Passover Seder, on year's that we had a Christmas tree it was because my husband went out and got it. We did talk about how we would raise children, a good 14 years before we had any (we are raising our son Jewish). We also each developed and managed our own direct relationships with each other's families–as opposed to interacting through each other.
I never thought my soul companion would come in the wrapping that he did, but he did. What are you going to do?
20. March 2009 at 10:34 am
Hey Gori Girl
This was a posting on Sepia Mutiny. Check it out…..
http://www.nypost.com/php/pfriendly/print.php?u...
24. March 2009 at 9:28 am
Another thing I would like to mention here – for the most part, not many South Asian people are (openly) supportive of interracial unions. In fact, in my experience, when sitting down with large groups, even if the topic of interracial relationships/a specific interracial couple does come up – there is very little positive to say. As outsiders in the relationship, many people tend to be judgemental about the person involved. Comments are often passed about egoistical inferiority complexes, lack of morals, alienation (or the sense that the person has drifted away from their community) etc. It's not just a South Asian problem though. East Asian girls are strongly criticized for dating white men by various “less white-washed” members of their community. Why are we ready to jump in arms about relationships we aren't even involved with, or don't affect us whatsoever (except for gasp, maybe ruining our chances with getting with that hot Asian girl who went after a white dude instead..)? It's not fair to say how much culture or ethics the person contains – and how can you judge that simply by how they choose to love? A lot of people in same-race relationships are a lot less cultural or religious than people I've seen in interfaith or interracial relationships. Everyone needs to broaden their mind and stop reinforcing guilt.
24. March 2009 at 9:31 am
I am not Asian – rather I'm white but we have those intercultural barriers also. I have raised my daughters to be free of prejuidice but I have also told them that some intercultural relationships could cause problems. For example I have made them aware that Muslim men have different expectations from women than a man from our background has.
In my opinion if you are already supporting yourself and not dependant on your parents for security then it is your decision. It makes more difficult if you still require your parents to provide for you.
As a parent myself I could never disown my daughter, even if i wasn't happy with her decision about which man she falls in love with. I would always want to be part of her life.
Just tell your parents that your boyfriend is one helluva nice guy and you'd love to introduce him. Don't even mention his background. Show them how happy you are in his company.
If they really dislike him after they've gotten to know him they must tell you what the reasons are. Not reasons based on culture but rather on qualities like lying, stealing, cheating etc
24. March 2009 at 8:05 pm
I have spent a lot of time getting to know his family and all that… sigh…. I don't think anything that I can do can affect their worries about society treating them badly. They are not in a place where they can move, they aren't rich… they live in small town India.
28. March 2009 at 4:28 pm
thank you very much
this is such a great website, I usually head over here when I am feeling down just to read some stories from people that are in similar situations and it's nice to know that we are not alone. I think that when everything settles down a bit with my boyfriends parents I will post here, as for now things are a bit confusing but hey you just gotta deal with it one step at a time.
11. April 2009 at 2:19 pm
Look, I am a Sikh girl who married a muslim AND actually got along with him AND didnt get divorced after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids
despite the horrible stories i heard growing up. however, my parents never accepted it, nor try to understand my side. they have never met my kids, my father has disowned me (i was VERY close to him before), and though thats been the most difficult part, i dont regret one bit my decision, because i did it my way, and i am happy. i wish they would, despite disagreeing and rejecting my choice, get along somehow and not totally shun me for the sake of our relationship.
the most difficult part is that i expected, after being married and after kids, they would eventually accept me and all would be fine. but no. i think our parents feel betrayed, that we have rejected our culture and religion when we don't date/marry our own. another thing is, what if people find out? i think you know what i'm talking about. my parents have yet to tell the family, apparently i am still studying, though i'm sure everybody is suspicious. i am hoping once they tell family and friends (or once they find out), maybe then they will have less pressure on them, and want to have some sort of normal relationship with me? I am hopeful, but doubtful also.
also depends on your family. i was raised very religiously, though i had my own ideas. my parents went to the gurudawara every sunday, well known in sikh community, etc. We often gotten praised for keeping Sikhi alive in a foreign country.
like i said, i do not regret my decision. i am however shocked at the reaction of my parents. intercultural relationships can bring out a really bad side of people that you might never had known existed. but remember once thing: do not blame your parents for ruining your life if you dont end up happy if you follow all that they say. please take responsibility whatever you decide: family OR love (thats how they see it, though you would replace OR with AND). i wish you all the luck, this is really really difficult!!!
14. April 2009 at 6:04 pm
Maybe I am too much of a coconut to really comment on this post, but I think when you're choosing your life partner, you need to do what's right for you first and then consider your family's concerns and see if they're really valid (ie do they dislike him for a personal reason, or think he doesn't treat you well, etc.). (Admittedly, I was born and raised in the US, to Indian parents who have been here for nearly 40 years.)
Or see if the worst case scenario (family disowning you) is really something worse than giving up the man you want to spend your life with. I guess I'd see if their objections are to *him* vs general cultural “people will talk” sort of stuff.
Our own premarital counselor really drove the point home for me is that guilt happens because *you* allow it. Your parents have “trained” you to feel guilty when you don't act the way they want you to. It's up to you to decide if you're going to let that affect you or not. Is it easier/better/happier for you to give into what they want, or are you losing too much of yourself/what you want that way. Everything is a decision.
I moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband) and was really not looking forward to telling my parents, but when I did, they surprised me. They said they weren't really happy with the decision, but that at 27, I was an adult, and could make my own choices. When I told them 2 years later that we were engaged, they were ecstatic and a lot happier with the situation. Granted, my parents did not give me grief for marrying a white guy so it's a lot different from the original situation posted here.
Break it to them like an adult. Tell them you're sure it's what's going to make you happy and you hope they can accept it. Speak from your heart, and give them time to process it. They might surprise you
2. May 2009 at 5:21 pm
I’m reading this blog at 1:30am UK time, wishing all the good things for Aisha and her future. But I am sad to hear that guilt broke down the relationship with her boyfriend.
I am in a relationship with a white (English) guy. I am a Hindu Punjabi, born and have grown up in London. We’ve been dating for over 2 years and no surprise here but I haven’t told my parents.
My parents have tried to introduce me to possible suitors for marriage (arranged), but not one of them have I found suitable. There were times in the past, even if I didn’t like the guy I would still make a huge effort in the hope that I would find something nice about him, but alas nothing.
I want to tell my parents now (they are still introducing suitors, who to meet to avoid any questioning from my parents, and then knock back), but its trying to find the courage and words that I find difficult. I want to tell my parents because I can’t keep on meeting these arranged suitors; it’s not fair on my parents, my boyfriend, and above all on me. My parents are traditional although they have tried to adjust to the ‘modern’ times. There are times when I think my parents will accept him, but I think about the reality of it all. Like Aisha, my mum has clearly stated and in some begged (that is horrible!) me NOT to go out/marry a white/black guy! Also like Aisha, I have a sibling who refuses to acknowledge or accept it.
I find it so difficult, and often I find myself going numb and almost brain-dead like. I’m not close to my parents, one might say we have a formal relationship. I’ve never been able to talk to my parents at a friend-like level, because we have very different interpretations of things.
Nevertheless I feel guilty, I’m scared that my family will disown me, I’m scared the shock will make my parents ill.
My boyfriend has said he will support me and be there for me when I tell my parents, and to date has never placed any pressure on me telling them.
My boyfriend is not at a stage for getting married (not sure I am too yet, but would like to some day), he wants me to move in with him before any decision of marriage is made. Living with someone pre-marriage does not exist in my culture – you meet someone, you marry them, THEN you live with them. I’m willing to do the ‘living together’ thing because of how I feel about him.
That adds another item to the mix – I have to tell my parents that I’m going out with a white guy and we are not getting married but will be living together…I don’t know how to explain the latter one to them (explain in a way that doesn’t hurt them more).
I feel like I’m going around in a circle and feeling numb is when I get to stop this motion. I am happy and in love with my boyfriend, I love my parents, but I am going stir-mad with thought of telling them…I don’t know where to begin…
4. May 2009 at 3:58 pm
Hi Kim_MK,
It's been a little busy for everyone I think, but I saw your comment and wanted to offer my support and perhaps some advice. Whether it helps you or not, I cannot say. But I do know that being there, having someone in the trenches with you, is a relief in and of itself.
I've written quite a lot on my own story, so I don't want to go into too much detail here. But the breakdown is this. I'm a white US girl, he's a Hindu Indian Citizen with traditional conservative parents. He's also the 'baby' of the family and the best liked. Give you a clue as to how well our relationship went over? I'm not going to lie to you, things are still tough with his family. But they are starting to show signs of coming around. It's been about three months now and they aren't as frantic about the whole situation. Of course now, they are giving him the ole' cold shoulder. I image to teach him how it would feel to be cut off from the family.
My own family love my fiance very much. My father and step-mother are very supportive, although worried about my future move to India but still supportive and loving. My mother has completely flipped out now knowing that my moving to India is a very real possibility rather than some distant and future dream. My mother and I haven't spoken in over a week because of the disrespectful way she spoke to me last. I simply told her that until she could learn to show me the same kind of respect that I show her, I would prefer she not contact me. She's chosen to take that path and that is her choice. I can't change it. I miss her and it makes me sad, but to be honest…my living my life in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, and is not illegal…well, I just don't see how that gives anyone the right to be so upset as to the point of being nasty, demanding or to use emotional blackmail.
Here is how my fiance (Bear) and I are both handling it.
First, you are an adult now. You didn't mention your age, but essentially, if you've been with your bf for 2 years I am going to assume that you are atleast 21. Perhaps a little to young for moving in…definately too young for marriage. In your culture, dating isn't really understood by the parents. I imagine living together in sin would be about as well received as it is for my parents who are good ole' southern folks. My suggestion would be to not move in with your bf until after you have spoken with your family. You are worried about showing them respect, and I agree with that. Showing them respect AND most importantly that you are an adult capable of making decisions and deserving your own respect from THEM would not work out so well with you moving in before telling them of your relationship.
I think it might actually make things much much worse. Especially since neither one of you right now are dating with marriage in mind. Your parents just wouldn't get it.
I'm not saying NOT to move in, I'm just saying to tell your parents first.
So, how to tell them? Be honest. You say you aren't close to them in the traditional sense. That is fine. You don't have to be best friends with them to tell them the truth. But before you do, you need to have more to say about your bf then just “I love him because he is sweet, smart, etc…”
You need to show them that you've thought about him and your relationship with him on an intellectual level as well as an emotional one. Explain to them the things you've learned with him and because of him. The ways that you've grown as a person. The common beliefs you share. Then explain to them that you love them and respect them, but that you also love and respect yourself…as they have taught you to be a good and strong person.
You best know how to talk to your parents. No one can tell you a tried and true version of what to say to them to make this better or more acceptable. Each parent is different. Each child is different. And so is each situation.
But what I can tell you is that the guilt will be much less once you have told them. Right now you are running under the guilt of what you perceive as wrong because you are in a relationship that is outside of the norms of your society. But that is what society dictates and society does not always take every man and woman into consideration. What is right for me is not necessarily right for you. Do not be tied to something because it is tradition. Do it because it is right for you or don't do it at all.
Trust me, this conversation with your parents will be the hardest you will ever have. I slowly started telling my parents more and more about Bear. It took me almost three months to build him up in my parents mind. Telling them “Oh my friend Bear taught me a new way to do such and such at work and it helped me so much!” or “My friend Bear bought me my favorite sorbet one day because he knew what a hard day at work I had had.” or (my personal favorite) “We all went out to play Putt-Putt and Bear and I made a great team and won against everyone else!” My parents at first were suspicious, but I just answered that he was such a great friend. If they wanted promises that it was nothing more than that, I asked them if the Mountain could bend to the Wind. I could no more control my heart than that. I used that because it was something that my parents had used on ME once upon a time. You see what I mean? Perhaps a good course would be to slowly start introducing him into your conversations with them about your daily life. My parents finally got to a point where they started asking me about Bear before I even mentioned him. Who knows what may happen.
What I can tell you is what a relief it was (for both Bear and I) when we finally told his parents and mine about our relationship and how serious we were. Honesty is always the best policy. It also can set you free.
My thoughts are with you…if there is anything I can ever do, just let me know.
~Auroracoda
7. May 2009 at 1:47 pm
Excellent point. Taking responsibility for your actions is key – as is recognizing that others' reactions are their own responsibility as well (i.e. you're not entirely responsible for your parents' happiness).
7. May 2009 at 2:04 pm
Hi Kim -
Aurora gave you some great advice below, and I hope it helps a bit with figuring things out. Some points I would make:
1) I agree that it's not fair to anyone for the current situation to continue – not your parents, not your arranged suitors, not your boyfriend, and certainly not you. I've been in situations before where it felt like I was going around in a circle too, and, while it sucks to take that first step out of the circle, doing so will help relieve some of your feelings. Just knowing that things are playing out – even if your family reacts negatively – is better than being stuck in a circling pattern.
2) You don't mention why your parents are so against an intercultural match. How much have you discussed the possibility with them? If they simply have irrational concerns, there's not much you can do, but if they have rational worries (he won't respect our culture, you won't ever travel back to India, etc, etc) then you can take steps to explain why an intercultural relationship is not as bad as it seems to them.
3) In most cases, I think it would be best to inform your parents about your boyfriend out of respect before moving in with him (and do only move in with him if YOU want to). However, I can imagine that some sorts of people would take it better if presented with the idea as a fait accompli – if it's already a done deal, they might take it better. You know your parents the best, so, obviously, you should be the one to make that decision.
I hope things go well for you, and do let us know in the future how things are.
7. May 2009 at 2:07 pm
Good advice. My understanding is that some of our very basic emotional responses – pleasure, revulsion, fear, etc – are hardwired, but things like guilt are certainly a choice.
8. May 2009 at 5:11 pm
Many thanks Auroracoda & GoriGirl for your advice. It’s a comfort to hear that other’s thoughts.
My parents have been looking for suitors for me since the age of 22/23…I am now nearly 30 years old!!! My mum has said that she will not stop trying to find a suitor until I say yes. Even when I was single none of the guys my parents introduced I found suitable for whatever reason. I am always polite and courteous to the suitor if I met/spoke to them (I don’t want people saying anything back to my parents about me being rude/difficult), however each time I have knocked back a suitor my mum (not so much my dad) would give me the silent treatment. Leaving me to feel guilty of my decision.
One thing that is very prominent in my culture or perhaps more specifically in my community, is AGE! I am nearly 30 years old, converting that into my culture age, I’m practically an old lady who can go rest now. It’s not just my parents who worry that I’m aging and not married, but also family and family friends. When aunts or uncles come round, their Nameste’s are always followed by when are you getting married or I have a nice mundha (boy) for you. Even family friends are asking “what is wrong with you?” Or “Don’t you want to get married?”. My friends provide comfort by telling me to ignore them and who cares what they say!! Even though for the time I spend with my firends I share their attitude, as soon as I’m at an event or any festivity I get the questioning and what I term “hassle”.
So as you can imagine, we have a strong sense of community. And this is one of the reasons why my parents are against intercultural relationships. Saving face is a VERY big thing in Indian culture. As other commenter’s have described, there is a strong close knit community. And in some cases even though someone might be nice and comforting to your face, behind your back it’s a web of gossip and shame. My mum is very much a community person and the thought of her daughter going out with a non-Indian is an immense disgrace and highly shameful! I deal with this one by thinking, its all gossip – “today’s news is tomorrow’s history”….but people can be mean and throw things back in your face. And this is why I worry that my parents will become ill. The stress of it all will be too much.
) He has not stopped me from praying at home or speaking in Punjabi or going to the temple etc.
I guess my parents have both irrational and rational concerns as you mentioned GoriGirl. My boyfriend is more than happy to go to India, he’s happy when we go to an Indian restaurant – or maybe that’s because food is being served?!?!
GoriGirl I take on board your advice about explaining things to them – thank you.
My uncle has married a European woman. It was a complete shock to all the family and I remember when he told me, I EVEN asked him why? My family have never disowned him (as mentioned above, for guys things are slightly different and more acceptable), however it’s not been easy. It’s very difficult when both sides of the family get together, culturally things are done differently and there is the obvious language barrier. I think about those things, but perhaps I’m being foolish I try not to let them bother me.
I’ve never ever told my parents about any of my past relationships. I would have only told them if I was getting married to them (not been the case before), however I’m in a situation where I want to move on with things in my life, and my boyfriend is part of that. I would definitely not move in with my boyfriend before telling my parents, purely out of respect as you have both mentioned and above all they would wonder where I’ve gone!!
I actually moved out of my house (for the first time!) about a year and half ago. I couldn’t take the pressure from my parents about getting married and decided I needed to breathe. I found a room in a lovely townhouse near work and have been renting since then. For an unmarried Indian girl to move out is unheard of, so I had to lie to my parents saying it was for work purposes. On the other side I said to them that I would come to visit every weekend, and that’s what I’ve been doing ever since.
I know my parents would want me to get married as soon as possible to someone who I like and obviously from a good family, and they want me to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that I will be telling them about a guy that is not Indian and I will be living with him before marriage is discussed.
Once again I thank you both for your advice and words of comfort. I’m absolutely terrified of even starting the conversation with my parents…..but I have made a decision to tell them and I hope to tell them soon – to bite the bullet and just do it. The guilt and secrecy is weighing me down..
~
10. June 2009 at 12:19 am
Auroracoda,
I liked your advice. I'm kind of in the same situation she is, except that my bf and I are in a serious/long-term involvement looking at marriage deal. Soooo I've been easing my parents into hearing his name linked with mine a lot more.
It's hard, the double life. But I'm hoping that they'll react better than the first time I asked them if I could date..
Gorigirl, I still love your blog! you're the best for all of this.
22. December 2009 at 7:35 pm
i know how you feel.
im in a very very similar situation. Although im a white aussie girl dating a pure asian boy. We are very young but are talking of marriage, but i am too much of an outcast to be apart of his family as i am very different to them. Im finding it very hard fitting in and just can not be accepted by his family. Its awful when you love someone so much but can not move in the direction you want to because of cultral differences.
I dont know what to to anymore.
23. December 2009 at 9:28 am
See below…
23. December 2009 at 9:27 am
Its been a long few months since I described my situation on this blog. Back in May, I finally plucked the courage (goodness knows where from) and told my parents about my English boyfriend.
Saying that they hit the roof is an understatement. I told my mum, and although for a brief moment I thought, “I think she’s ok with it”, she fainted! When I told my dad he was very disappointed and had to attend to my mum. My mum was in and out of conscience for a few hours. It was the longest day I remember. My mum (when awake) shouted abuse and my dad just kept on asking what the hell was I thinking. I, amazingly stood by my feelings and kept on telling them that he is who I want to be with. I was continuously told “leave him!” And even though I kept on saying no, my parents last words to me remained the same – “Tell him that its over!”
My parents said many things to me that day which I will not forget…”How could I do this to them?” “I’m stupid and foolish”, “I don’t care about them or the family!”, “I have no consideration about their feelings”, “You’re better off single and unmarried than going out with a white guy!”, “Never thought their own child could do such a thing!”, etc, etc, etc!! It was HORRIBLE!! And most of the abuse came from my mum.
This went on for at least 2-3 weeks. I continued to tell them that I was looking out for my happiness, and this is what I want. I told my boyfriend what had happened – he was upset, angry and wanted me to leave home immediately. It was hard for him to hear and at one point he thought it was over.
In my head however, I didn’t think it was over. Perhaps because I was still in shock and feeling numb.
Even my sibling (who never wanted to acknowledge my boyfriend), told me to “re-think” things.
It is so hard when no one is on your side or giving you support in your own family.
6 months later and my parents have still not met him, they still don’t truly accept it. I’m still with my boyfriend, but any mention to him about my parents he gets his back up and gets angry (not at me, but at the situation). Who can blame him? I know I would be the same.
I’m trying to make my mum at least meet him. I haven’t moved in with him yet, but I’m getting to a point that I’m so frustrated that nothing is progressing, that I’ve told my mum that I’ll be moving in with him. She was angry but this time didn’t faint! Its not the done thing in Indian culture! But to be honest, I’m 30 years old now, my boyfriend is 38, I want to move on with things in my life! The other option – wait for my parents to accept him until I make the move.
Fly – I read your comments and firstly I’m glad that you’ve posted something on this website. Your boyfriend needs to stick by you and support you when you feel like an outcast with his family. Its been 6 months since I’ve told my parents – at least your boyfriends family are aware of you and you’re meeting them. If he is someone you want to be with, and he feels the same about you…keep on trying with his family. I know its going to be so hard when my boyfriend meets my family, but I want him to keep on trying with them, as long as no abuse is thrown at him (regardless of culture/race – that is wrong), I would want him to keep on trying.
GoriGirl – My journey with my parents is still going through rocky roads, but I want to Thank You for putting this blog together. I remember that night I wrote my first post. I was in tears by the end of it. But the comfort I got (albeit virtual) reading others posts, and your comments are a small helping hand in this ‘journey’! Thank you.
23. December 2009 at 10:36 am
GoriGirl – not small helping hand – but a big helping hand!!
) **apologies mixed up my sentences!**
28. December 2009 at 5:40 pm
Kim_MK, I’m glad that this website has been so helpful to you! Please keep stopping by from time to time and letting us know how it’s going.
13. January 2010 at 8:34 pm
Hi Kim_MK
Thank you for your posting! I am a Sikh Indian girl that has lived in Australia her whole life. I have been dating a white Australian guy for 4 years now. My mum found out about my relationship early on (we had only been together for 8 months) and her reaction was much the same as your mum’s reaction. My mum made the whole situation about her, and at one point even threatened to kill herself (!). Since that time my parents have somewhat calmed down, they have met my partner, and are making an effort to welcome him to the family.
Despite my parents making an effort I still feel an incredible amount of guilt. The emotional roller coaster that my life has been for the last 4 years has effected every facet of my life especially work and my health. Having my parents constantly tell me that my decisions are wrong has created a great deal of self doubt in me and effected my general decision making processes.
Also, I think I still have a great deal of guilt as a result of reactions of my extended family. My cousins and uncles have treated the situation as a bad reflection on our family and though they have not said it in so many words I know they feel like I am making a big mistake.
The next step for me is for my parents to meet my partner’s parents. And though my partner’s parents are lovely, they are separated and remarried. Which will make the meeting even more awkward! I am blessed that my partner has been so understanding and supporting, it has made this journey much easier.
I just wanted to say that I hope things work out for you (I am sure they will). Sometimes it takes a lot of strength to follow your own path but in the long run you will find comfort in knowing you have made your own decisions! One thing I have learnt over the years is that I will never completely bring my parents around to my way of thinking, and I shouldnt try to. I need to live my life the way that keeps me healthy and happy, over time that can only benefit my relationship with my parents!
Holly
27. October 2010 at 8:25 pm
I think that Aurora has some great things to say. I wonder how these relationships are progressing? Here is another thing, though. If you feel guilty because you do feel that it is wrong on some level, then, you should decide whether you want to rethink your stance. If you are going to continue to feel guilty, then, it might cause problems later on.
27. October 2010 at 8:31 pm
I might also say to Kim that moving in might complicate things because your boyfriend will be linked with the unacceptable behavior. That might be just too many changes at once for them and they will see your bf as the one who is encouraging unacceptable behavior.