Slate’s Dear Prudence column has dipped its toe into the intercultural relationship waters with a advice on how to deal with Indian parents refusing to meet their boy’s girlfriend. The situation is one that a number of readers here have seen – or are currently in – so I thought I’d link to this timely advice. Personally, I think that Prudie’s advice on what to do is pretty spot on: insist on having the parents meet the girl at the next chance. However, I don’t think Prudie understands all of the intricacies involved in an intercultural relationship – especially one where the parent-child relationship of one partner’s culture is so different from the other’s.
Septia Mutiny has a brief post on the same article – and while the post itself isn’t much to write home about, the comments section has a lot of interesting stories and discussions on it. Check it out when you have the time.
27. April 2008 at 8:44 pm
Oh Gori, this was just wonderful dialog to read! I really love how the opinions vary from “The guy just needs to grow a pair!!” to being understanding, even sometimes submissive, to what the parents think. Heh hem, as always, I’m somewhere in between on the telling the parents issue. A lot of good points brought up highlighting the spectrum of choices couples have in dealing with this issue.
A reg flag went off when I read the comment about using the Japanese principle of Kaizen:
I liked Pru’s advice and the comments from other presumably white people were also thoughtful. However, I would say from my own experience – that the first option to try is gentle persistence. Confrontation is a viable but last option.
First of all take courage, the problem is not insoluble. Start talking about your significant other, bring him/her into the conversation as if it was the expected and natural thing. Next arrange a meeting at a non-emotional, neutral time and place – a meal out, an Indian concert. To prepare youself read a book about the Japanese principle of KAIZEN
- how to conquer a problem with relentless, small steps.
This has TOTALLY been R’s approach!!! Sometimes I get all antsy pants with it because I’m more of an impatient “speed boat” but I do see his ways making slow and significant progress..
Ahh yes—another lovely point made Gori: there are many ways in which couples can show caring, concern, and respect for one another considering this sensitive matter…it’s up to all of us to figure out what will work best for ourselves and our partners.
2. October 2009 at 4:20 pm
My boyfriend is a punjabi hindu born in the us to parents who were born and raised in India and I am white…his mom has always been nice to me and doesn’t seem to have a problem with me being white…i bought diwali cards and i was going to write one out to his parents…do you think they would find that wierd coming from a white christian girl?
14. October 2009 at 3:59 pm
I think they’d appreciate the gesture, Kay. Diwali isn’t a strongly religious holiday – in fact, it’s often considered a secular holiday in India.