For the sixth year running, Aditya and I have moved our junk to a new home. Yes, you read that right: we’ve moved (together or both individually) every year for the past six years. It’s not that I like moving; it’s just a combination of being a student, having an urge to see the world, and a peculiar, magical moving amnesia that makes me forget every year how traumatic moving really is. I’ll spare you the gory details, but beyond the typical panicked late night packing, this move has included our utilities being shut off at the new house, at least three separate lockouts, sleeping on hardwood floors, and a hail storm.
In an attempt to stay sane (and nourished) through this process, Aditya, an Indian friend, and I went to the mall near the new place this weekend for food and a bit of light goofing off between hauling boxes. And guess what? We’ve accidentally moved to the Desi suburbs. About every fourth group we saw wandering the mall was sub-Continental, and I’d guess that at least a third of the mall population was Asian. It’s like we’re back in California!
Tomorrow I’ll get a post up about the first few times I met Aditya’s parents, and I’ll be blogging regularly now that the worst of the moving trauma is over.
8. April 2008 at 6:08 pm
Glad your moving trauma is over GG! I can’t wait to hear your impressions on meeting the rents! I’m actually kind of excited for it on my end… it’s months down the road but I’m already taking note of crystal bowls and contemplating a sari for it.
I’m excited to do things kind of how his rents might expect a “good Indian girl” would do — of course my Americanness will peek out which is fine, I’m comfortable with them learning to wrap their brains around that too.
Anyway, really looking forward to hearing your stories! 6mile disputes that you are actually a gori…
9. April 2008 at 11:40 am
Ugh – I hate moving. Congrats on making it through!
9. April 2008 at 2:12 pm
@ NeoKalypso: Is there a crystal bowl fetish that Indians (or your boy’s parents) have that I am unaware of? *curious* I wouldn’t suggest wearing a sari unless you’re comfortable in them – I’m just waiting for proper spring weather to break out mine, but they do take some getting used to. And 6mile, if you’re reading this, know that I am a gori – rather blindingly so since I haven’t been out in the sun lately.
@ sf: thanks for your well-wishes. All that remains is unpacking and a trip or three to IKEA for new house stuff.
9. April 2008 at 3:00 pm
OMG you haven’t heard about the crystal?! A lot of Indian mom’s are really into crystal. Word on the street is when you first meet very traditional rents (like R’s) there’s kind of a protocol. Supposedly my parents are supposed to be there (SO NOT HAPPENING), traditional clothes are preferred, and a gift for the potential MIL and FIL. Then the MIL, FIL invide you in offer you tea, and you have a meal together. There’s a few more things to it but I don’t want to bore. I have heard from several sources that a nice piece of crystal is the way to go with the MIL and maybe some Indian snacks or specifically for R’s dad a Hindu themed music cd.
This is all months down the line, but I am happy to participate in some of these “traditional” things to put R’s parents more at ease with this process. They aren’t really used to this idea of dating and meeting in a casual way and I’m ok with that. So I know when I meet them it means serious business. Plus, for some reason, I think the formality is kind of cool and respectful–and I am being very conscious to NOT do things I am uncomfortable doing. That being said, I have a pretty wide comfort zone.
I actually tried on my first sari a few weeks ago! I LOVED it!!! I just felt so elegant and regal…I can’t describe it. I wasn’t sure I would respond in this way, but I enjoyed it. I am going to wear it to an Indian wedding with R in a few weeks–we’ll see how I feel then. I go back and forth about wearing the sari to meets the rents. I do want them to know I’ve certainly got my American ways and American comfort zone, but I would also like to make this process as easy as possible on them, too.
9. April 2008 at 3:07 pm
LOL what??
when you say crystal… do you mean like crystal-ware?
9. April 2008 at 3:20 pm
No like the waterford crystal stuff!!! I don’t know, maybe it’s more of a Southie thing, Aditya???
You’ve never heard of this??? 
9. April 2008 at 3:46 pm
NeoKalypso…. so whats your boyfriend situation again? When are you meeting the parents (in India)?… I feel slightly out of the loop! Also I’ve never heard the crystal thing.. but meeting my boyfriends parents is even further down the line…:(
9. April 2008 at 6:20 pm
Hey Pale Desi thanks for asking! I’ve been dating my awesome Telugu (an Andhra Pradesh Southie) stud for like 8 months. We’ve known each other a year and are pretty serious. A lot of the SUPER serious stuff is really kind of theoretical (i.e. casually talk dreamily about stuff) such as engagement, etc. However, we’ve found that because of our ages (settling down ages) AND the inter-cultural stuff you cover deal breaker stuff more early on (religion, kids, taking care of elderly parents some day, and other long term issues). So while we try to not get too ahead of ourselves (it’s hard because we are super into each other!!!) we’ve found it beneficial to hash out the big questions.
Also, my R is an interesting mix of being pretty down and connected to his Indian roots as well as being pretty American. He was raised in the US but spent significant time in India growing up (he’s an NRI). His parents do live here but they are extremely traditional and remain very connected to their culture. R tried a few “arranged” situations they set up for him, but he it just wasn’t right.
He genuinely has feet planted in two different worlds and is kind of extraordinary (my biased opinion) in how he is true to both.
As for me, I’m a pretty American girls who really digs a lot about Indian culture. I am open to many incorporating many South Indian ways into my life and glad to do so. I have had largely positive experiences with R’s friends and family members I’ve met and realize that it will take some time for his parents to come around (he’s currently priming them to meet me i.e. telling them about me etc). I think the fall might be a good time for me to meet the rents–still working that out with R but he basically tells me he can accommodate whatever is most comfortable for me. But again, he does explain what that meeting is going to mean to his parents (i.e. impending engagement) so I’m not in a huge rush. At the end of the day I’ve grown to trust R and to the point where it’s not going to really matter what his parents think of me and vice versa. R and I have each other’s backs no matter what. Though I think I have a pretty good shot at winning the family over with my desire to incorporate Indian ways into my life, my being with R isn’t going to depend on if his family can accept me or not.
So, things are looking and feeling really good for us–as time goes by things will unfold as they should. Oh what an Indian idea that is…
9. April 2008 at 7:06 pm
@NeoKalypso: I hear ya on the crystal! I don’t know how this got started, but at least in the area my husband’s from it’s definitely on the list of the types of things people coming back from abroad are expected to bring. He’s also from the south, so maybe that is part of it – perhaps it’s related to what people commonly import from the middle east? (Although I don’t really associate the middle east with crystal… Imported from Britain via the middle east? No, that doesn’t really make any sense either… hmmmm…)
I think your attitude on taking meeting the parents seriously but enjoying it at the same time sounds great. I met my husband’s parents (in India) for the first time after things had gotten serious but before we were engaged (scandalous!), and it was definitely a big deal. I think it really helped get things off to a good start that we all took it seriously and made a real effort. I also wore Indian clothing, which I expected to feel silly in – but it was immediately clear that it made his mother feel much more comfortable, which was a perfectly good reason for me. Overall, I think it went really well, and I feel good about our relationship.
In fact, sometimes when I talk to friends whose parents are Indian but who were born and raised in the US, and I realize that somehow we actually had it much easier than what they’re describing to me, I even feel a little guilty… and a rather in awe of his parents for despite never having left even south India, or knowing any Americans, trusting their son and welcoming me despite everything.
9. April 2008 at 7:07 pm
I watch silently gori
. NK speaks for me 
, I’ve been seeing a totally peppy side of her for the last few days.
I cant vouch for others, but my mom’s totally into czech bohemian crystal. Even I’ve found them irresistible at times, when I helped dust them off on dull sunday afternoons.
9. April 2008 at 11:41 pm
Thanks for sharing NK! I was going to say our situations are some what similar but I guess they aren’t so much (other than the fact we’re both dating Indians and enjoy Indian culture). It’s good his parents do live in the US, though! I think that will make things a lot easier on you guys!
Short but sweet story about me. I’ve been dating my Mumbaikar for 10 months now. His parents are still in India. We’re serious .. and have talked of the future. The whole meeting the parents thing really makes me anxious..Though for me its a long time off… December at the earliest and thats if I end up going to India then. We’ll see! For now I’ll read all these blogs and try to get perspective…
and maybe I’ll buy some crystal? (though not sure if that works for Mumbai Mothers 
)
10. April 2008 at 9:12 am
Hey Pale Desi! Are you kind of down with Indian stuff? I’d say if you are even a little and ask lots of questions it goes over really pretty well. From the Indian parents I’ve known (of friends) if you just open the door a tiny bit they get really excited to share stuff with you. I think this is a great rule of thumb for dealing with anyone from any culture, religion, or different background than your own. As long as you remain at least somewhat open and really fight the need to judge, things can really work out very surprising and well. That’s just been my experience thus far.
But again if you are someone who fiercely clings to your own values and ideas of what MIL’s, FIL’s “should” be like it’s going to be a lot tougher. I don’t know, in my expereince if you can just extend a little the Indian FILs and MILs I’ve known end up feeling comfortable opening up…
Well, that’s my rant…!
10. April 2008 at 9:13 am
And yes, I think the crystal would go over with most Indian mothers for some reason!! But others may have a different view on that…
10. April 2008 at 9:31 am
Apparently my man’s mom likes Mexican food a lot, so I was going to make her some tamales. ‘Course, his parents only live a few hours from me, so it’s not like I’m shipping tamales to India.
10. April 2008 at 10:12 am
Ohh what an awesome idea! Maybe you could sprinkle a little tumeric or cayenne pepper in there too
. I bet his mom would get a kick out of that.
10. April 2008 at 10:57 am
Uuh… I hadn’t heard about the crystal… It could be a recent times thing or a regional thing… I haven’t lived in India for six years, and fashions change…
and i’ve never lived in the south, so it could be big down there…
my mother appreciates pretty much any gift she’s given especially if it was home made… my dad – he’s pretty laid back, so doesn’t care eitherway… he’s the kind of guy who scolds us for “wasting money” on birthday cards for him
NK – i agree completely with “As long as you remain at least somewhat open and really fight the need to judge, things can really work out very surprising and well” – and not just for relationships… it serves well in a professional setting also.
Like I noted on CBC – of course there will be people who’ll judge you from the get go because of the color of your skin/hair/nails – but in general, parents still love their kids, and want what’s best for them.
10. April 2008 at 11:13 am
@NK
I’m *really* open to Indian culture. I work in the technology industry so it just happens like 80-90% of my friends are indian anyways. I’ve been dragged (at first) to Diwali celebrations, Holi, Garbas, etc. More often than not when a group of us goes out I’m the only Gori…I’m probably even a little too comfortable with Indians. And I’ve actually met like 5 sets of indian parents (my friends parents). They loved me…I can tell because I probably gain at least a pound everytime I meet another set (“ahh you need more shrikhand, ooh would you like another pakora, here have 7, hehe, ooh there’s left over food here’s more for you..ahhh). Hopefully, his parents will love me 1/2 as much.
Also one thing that I’ve admitted to Gori but not to everyone yet…(and it feels weird admitting online because its really personal but you’ll understand me more if I do… what the heck). I’m actually in an Inter-cultural long distance relationship! ACK! 10 months total with the last 8 being long distance! Very long distance East Coast-West coast long distance. We’re doing excellent despite the distance but its just another layer of complexity to our relationship… I only see him every ~two months
But we talk every day 2-5 times;for 1-3 hours. He’s my love and I can’t imagine not being with him…. Oh getting that out feels better. 
10. April 2008 at 11:31 am
PD, girl, my man and I have been long distance for 10 months too! We are just a few states away, but nonetheless. My guy is so fantastic about calling, visiting, and spoiling me with tons of attention (heheh), it’s been really pretty easy. Beyond that, you can’t deny a fit when it’s fit!! So he moves to my city in 10 weeks and we can’t wait. You can do it! Actually many of the Indians I know tend to do the long distance thing pretty well. Think about all the kind of overseas arraganged situations and so on.. I don’t know. You’ll see I sort of have a bias TOWARDS Indians in a lot of ways in terms of cool stuff I find about the culture.
That’s just wonderful you are very open. I’m the same but I always kind of take an inventory of my American comfort zone before I agree to do things. I have a tendency to DIVE right into stuff and then later question if that was really what I wanted.
For example, I know raising our (very future and theoretical) kids as Hindu makes the most sense. When I agreed to this I did have a few pangs of buyers remorse–but that’s all they were pangs that have now faded. The cool thing about Hindism is that I can throw my little Catholic saint cards and rosaries in there too without confusing the kids and maintaining consistency with Hinduism. Personally, I’m not interested in the Christian/Hindu fusion stuff other people are sometimes interested in (which is fine for them though!!! No judgement!!!). R just has a huge community of support and lots to offer in the way of Hinduism. It makes sense to me because I want my kids to have the best and richest spiritual, symbolic, myth and meaning filled life. In my mind, Ravi’s family and community can give that to them better than mine can.
Anyway, another tangent. Oh thanks for this site GoriGirl! I hope you don’t mind I write so much. It’s just refreshing to be in a place with like-minded folk…
10. April 2008 at 11:34 am
Agreed Aditya!
10. April 2008 at 12:20 pm
NK! Ok maybe we do have a similar situation! More than I even thought! YAY! However, my mind has not gone to the *very future and theoretical children* yet. Well at least not their religion. (I was raised Catholic). I guess what I think about most is when the long distance will end. We don’t have any sort of set date and we both have fantastic jobs on either coast. ahhh we’ll see!
10. April 2008 at 12:47 pm
Well you guys are probably a little more smart and practical than the ever-dreamy R and I. We tend to get all caught up in ideas and might be wise to think more about “first things first” (i.e. like him LIVING here!)
Catholicism and Hinduism both have similar mystical traditions!!! It’s really cool… same trinity aspects, gods/saints as a part of the spiritual community, acknowledgement that all faiths can lead to god (ecumenism in the Catholic church), elements of mystery and fate (transsubstantiation, karma)… These things just tend to particularly intrigue me.
I look forward to hearing more about how your story unfolds!!
10. April 2008 at 2:36 pm
PD, if it’s any comfort, my guy M and I were in a long distance relationship for over a year (granted, we were only one state apart), but we survived it, he moved back to town, and now we’re tying knot. Even though distance can be tough, things can eventually work out too. So stay hopeful!
Hi NK!
14. April 2008 at 12:37 pm
Wow, I’m off the internet for a weekend and this comments section explodes!
@ NeoKalypso: Never heard of the crystal thing. And, as you’ll notice from my post on meeting the parents (finally up!), it wasn’t a very formal thing at all – no protocol for me to screw up, thank goodness. I’ve got to say, you seem to have a great attitude about it all. And thanks for sharing your story about your boyfriend. If you want to write a guest post about it, shoot me an email and we can talk about it.
@ 6mile: Don’t think I didn’t notice the title change on your blog roll!
@ Pale Desi: thanks for sharing some about your story too! And the guest post offer is open to you as well.
As I told you via email (I think) Aditya and I managed to get through nearly a year while being 2000 miles apart. It seems to be a common issue for younger adults in the US, since everyone is in school or moving around to start their careers.
@ CaliforniaTransplant: Guest post offer is, of course, open to you as well.
14. April 2008 at 2:27 pm
Well kudos right back at your Gori. I’m really interested for the family meeting in the fall…R’s mom does have some ways to go with this all… she’s not dealing with the dating idea the best right now..and it will take some time. But this is not going to stop me from being cordial, learning as much as I can, and being kind. Why? Because no matter how people treat you, you can always choose a positive response. I can only control myself and my relationship to some extent—both of which I’m extremely happy with. So, in my mind I have A LOT
.
15. April 2008 at 7:29 am
I am not aware of any fascination with crystal too. I am from the North, so like Aditya said, it may be a regional thing (instead of national!).
My students often ask me about India, so I put together a short video to show the diversity of the country and culture. You can watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9H5sI88IWs. I don’t know if it does the job, but I was pretty excited when I put it together (smile).
15. April 2008 at 9:54 am
The crystal thing could also be just a personal thing. In America it seems lots of people love crystal(I guess with all the crystal shops) and some couldnt care less.
Status and exposure could be a factor. Probably most people with crystal in India knew someone who got it for them from abroad.
Plus, they are pretty and sparkly, lots of women in general like that
15. April 2008 at 12:56 pm
@ NeoKalypso – Aditya’s mom had the most problems with the intercultural relationship thing too. But she came around! I’m a a follower of your “you can only control your own actions” philosophy, too.
@ Chanakya – thanks for sharing your video with us. I think I even recognized a film/actor or two!
@ Mirchi – I’m a fan of sparkly in jewelry, but not crystalware type things – I just see it as another thing I have to dust and try not to drop!
15. April 2008 at 11:32 pm
Okay, so maybe I am dumb, but I think maybe I figured it out..does gori mean white? LOL..kinda like ghoul..is a ghost..which is white hehe
Because if so, I am as Casper as they get 
16. April 2008 at 9:39 am
Hey GoriGirl, is there any way you can put new comments up in a side bar? I’d like to follow all these conversations but I’m having a bit of trouble because to see new comments you have to reaccess every post — or maybe I’m missing something!!!
16. April 2008 at 1:38 pm
Wow I’m a total idiot, just found the comment roll…
16. April 2008 at 8:35 pm
@ ara: yes, gori means white – actually, it means “white female”, or even “white girl.” So strictly speaking, I’m saying white girl girl, but I’m told that Gori Girl is a good slang term for the type of atmosphere I’m trying to develop here – fun, easy-going, and a mix of cultures. Don’t worry about not getting it – the only place I come out and say it is in the About page.
I’m super white right now, but the weather is finally turning into the short sleeve & dress season so I’ll probably develop a tan soon.
@ NeoKalypso – I just put in the comments bar a day or two ago, so you probably didn’t notice it because it wasn’t there! I’ll try to put up a link to the comments RSS soon, too.
17. April 2008 at 7:45 am
Gori can be a noun, “white girl,” but since adjectives change according to gender in Hindi it can also just mean “pale-skinned” – the “i” on the end just means it has to modify something feminine. Just like in all those romance languages where words change according to some arbitrarily defined gender.
Gori can’t mean white for things other than people, though. That’s a different word, because people are not actually white-colored.
17. April 2008 at 9:58 am
I think it’s interesting that my fiancé actually regards “gori” as a very derogatory, insulting term for a white person. I’m not sure if it’s a regional thing or a misconception on his part or maybe it’s just *him*. (He tends to be very sensitive about word choices).
17. April 2008 at 10:33 am
There’s a Punjabi restaurant here that I always go to with my closest Indian (Punjabi) friend. Whenever she goes there and doens’t have me with her with her they’ll ask “where is the gori?”. Also I’ve heard them say it even when I’m there (about me not to me). They really seem to like me so I always thought it wasn’t derogatory.
Also side note…one day after they served us our food they sat down to eat with us (the Auntie and Uncle) and my friend told them that I was dating an Indian. They didn’t flinch or anything, they weren’t phased at all. They only thought it was bad that he wasn’t Punjabi… hehehe
17. April 2008 at 11:03 am
Well, CT, I actually kind of liked the way our GoriGirl is using it here
. The word may have been originally intended to be derogatory in nature but then our Gori sort of took it and reclaimed it by being a “Gori” who is actually quite “Indian” 
(for lack of a better term–you all know what I mean). So I think the way the word is used here sort of redefines it, spoofs it a little, and claims it in a way that says: hey I’m a Gori but I also know what’s up and can roll with the culture almost quite like anyone inside the culture… hehe. So I think, in her own way, our Gori here sort of strips it of its negative connotation and uses it in an empowering way.
Anyway, just my two hundred cents. GG may totally disagree with me!!
17. April 2008 at 11:35 am
I agree, NK – I like it too. There’s something really powerful about taking a negative term and making it a positive and something empowering. Just got to get my guy to see it that way. He feels the same way about the term “Guju” which I think a lot of Gujarati people have reclaimed as a positive, playful way of identifying themselves, but M still regards it carrying very negative and insulting connotations.
17. April 2008 at 12:13 pm
Technically, gori = fair girl / pale skinned girl [in languages derived from prakrit]
There’s nothing inherently negative about the term, it’s used for both Indians [there's many goras / goris amongst us too] and foreigners…
It can be used as a derogatory term, but in common usage doesn’t have the negative connotations…
/end today’s linguism lecture
17. April 2008 at 12:23 pm
Round of applause for Aditya! Heheheh….
Any suggestions for *this* Gori Aditya??? R’s mom is not dealing with the idea of me so well… I probably just need to give it time and patience. Sigh.
17. April 2008 at 2:24 pm
now that I realized you live close to me your post about the mall makes sense. I have found the Pentagon City Mall to be as you described. I have only been to 4 of the malls in the area.
Glad you are moved in and hopefully all settled. That hail storm was very unexpected wasn’t it!
18. April 2008 at 4:42 pm
Hey guys – I thought the gori conversation was so interesting that I made a post about it here. (And NeoKalypso – don’t encourage Aditya – I have to live with the results
)
@ whiteymcwheatbread: we were actually wandering through the Fair Oaks mall. I can’t say that I’ve noticed the same thing at other malls in the area – but I’ve been to a couple so far on very specific missions right before Christmas.
4. June 2010 at 4:10 pm
You must be near Silver Spring
That’s where my mandir is and I pass about five of them on the way!