Gori Girl

Hi Everyone,

I have come for your advice once again because I am at a mental impass and though I should be able to come to a conclusion on my own, I can't. 

Some of you may have read my story saga here-  http://gorigirl.com/forum/fami…..en-meet-me

By bf and I are back together. He is still struggling along with his family. He is still going to weekly Imam counselling sessions and this past Friday, his mum finally agreed to accompany him to the next one. That is good news.

We had a conversation a couple nights about "us". It was preceded by a long, stressful conversation with my mother. She feels that because my bf has not 100% stood up to his parents and said he will marry because he wants to, that that means he is not sufficiently committed to me. She is terrified that I'll end up heartbroken.

So when he and I were talking, I asked him why he was still arguing with his parents and what his plan was. I asked him if he is waiting for their approval before taking our relationship to the next step. He said yes, that without their approval, he couldn't do it and that he loved me with all of his heart but that he also loves them and cannot enter a marriage with me unless they approve. I'm not going to lie, this hurt me. In my mind, though I hope and pray for his parents to approve of us, I don't necessarily see it happening ever, at not least within the next few months or years even.  In my mind, this period that we are going through right now was his time to get enough mental strength to make the mental break from him parents, a break in needing their approval. In my mind, eventually, he would become mentally strong enough to not let guilt set in his heart, allowing him to marry me. 

Knowing this, I wonder if I am risking too much in continuing to allow myself to fall deeper and deeper in love with him. When I envision a husband, I envision someone who will do anything for his wife ( and vice versa). His inability to commit to being with me no matter what the outcome, seems to me that he is not willing to do literally anything for me. He just keeps saying he doesn't know how long it will take with his parents. I would do anything for him and wait forever for him to be ready if thats what he needed from me but since he isn't ready to commit to being with me no matter what, I'm not sure if I am in over my head. 

I try to think how it would play out if it was me risking turning my back on my parents for him. I love my parents to death (and he does too). For some reason, the thought of it won't even penetrate my mind deep enough for me to consider it. So since I cannot come to a conclusion I don't feel like I can properly evaluate the situation. Perhaps this is my mind's way of saying I'd never leave my parents either… if thats the case, I cannot hold it against him. 

Ugh, I dunno… what do you guys think?  Do you think his inability to marry me without their blessing is a sign of major problems to come down the road OR is it reasonable on his part?

A million thanks…

Cakerbakergirl,

I really can relate to your thought process an emotions right now, and it is an extremely difficult thing to go through.  I say this as I am going through something very similar. As you know, my bf and I have been together over three years.  Every day and year we have been together I have come to understand his situation better and better.  For Pakistani sons, pleasing their families and making them happy means everything to them.  They have been brough up with their families, especially their fathers, giving them everything to them they need.  As adults they feel it is their obligation to take care of their family in return.  In the beginning of our relationship I told myself "Well if he really loved me he will be with me."  Later I not only learned that this thinking was wrong but I also came to terms with myself the fact that I will never want someone I love to leave their family and thus make them and himself miserable.  This to me is no way to start a marriage and it just leads to guilt later.

With that said, I do think his inability to marry you without the family's blessing is perfectly reasonable on his part.  Making such a move has a deep rippling effect through his family.  One thing I have come to realize in my situation is it is not just about me.  This is very hard to do, especially since I come from an American society. We are taught from birth to be individuals and that we can make the things we want in life come true.  It is very different in Pakistani culture and we just need to understand that.

I also think that this is not necessarily the end to your relationship or future with your Pakistani bf.  It is a matter of being able to balance everything and be ready for the worse.  Of course, being ready for the worse makes it kind of difficult to move forward, which is what you also need in the relationship (this is what I am currently doing).  It sounds like on his part, he is really trying, and you should support him because this is EXCRUCIATING for him.  I am by no means  belittling what you are going through because I myself have been through alot of pain, but chances are this situation is even more difficult for him.  He has to deal with guilt coming from his family AND from you and trying to juggle these things.  So if you do decide to take the risk, and it is a definite risk, I think it is really important to support him and take care of yourself at the same time.

Please keep us update with your situation!

It's a sign of major problems. For a grown independent man to be constantly seeking his parents approval for all the major milestones in his life is a sign that he has not yet severed the umbilical chord. What's next? He is going to ask his parents if the time is right for him to have a child?. 

Reasonable parents will come to terms with their child's life decisions, especially as the child gets older. Either your guy is not doing a good enough job making his case about you or he is a wimp. If his parents love and respect him, they will respect his wishes as well. If they don't then do you really need these unreasonable folks to be your in-laws? 

I'm ethnic and I respect my parents but when I want something done I inform them of my decision and its not so much as I ask for their approval but its more like taking their advice and making my own decision. 

If your guy is not doing that, then you need to move on or give him an expiration date before which he needs to mature.