Gori Girl

Post edited 10:59 pm – December 16, 2009 by nonamaniez

Dear Gori girl,

i am so lucky to get chance to read your blog. I found it as really well written and nice.

I want to share to you my personal story.

My name is Nona. I am Indonesian and coming from Muslims family.

I am really liberal. I have seen religions as private matters thus any institutionalization of religions not needed.

they call me socialist , or even atheist, though I always said that I believe in God but in the different form.

Anyway, I have been living in Singapore for my study and working in university as well.

I know one Indian guy for almost two years now. He is from Brahmin family back in Bangalore.

He came to my apartment in Singapore, as Phd student from the same university I work for who looked for new room. 

At that time, I needed one new tenant for one room in my flat (that's how we describe 15 storeys HDB flat here in Singapore).

He is nice guy. We have developed some kind of attachment and we agreed not to have any kind of commitment.

Both of us enjoy the companionship, friendship.

We have go out for dinner, watch movies, long discussion over religions, concept of God, etc.

Basically, we have exercise as partners but never discuss of any commitment or what we have been doing so far.

This is due to our belief that there is nothing such love, compassion or anything.

he only believes that relationship/attachment is can be build from time to time communication, togetherness.

In my eyes, it is called love, since I don't believe on love with flowers, emotional relationship with constant phone conversations etc.

he also believes that marriage is just putting another problems in his life in which I can respect that

since I do not believe in the marriage institutions as well.

so, we have build sort of attachement, with no commitment, we can be freely to do whatever each of us want.

He sometimes goes traveling by himself or friend. I went out sometimes with my friends too.

it's not like we have to go anywhere together but we have time for ourselves too. We went to Indonesia twice for holiday.

On the other hand, by time, I have build huge attachment to him. I saw him as perfect match to me.

I guess because I love the way he is thinking, very logic, and not emotiona as well as his personality.

he is always having passions to help others, concerned  about human rights, poverty, environment degradation, all those things that I care so much too.

Four months a go,

it came the time where his parents forced him to get married.

at that time, he refused to get marriage because he does not believe on marriage institution.

but, his parents insisted that he has to get marry.

the other factor is his younger brother is going to get engaged soon.

Coming back to Singapore, he told me the story. After few days, I told him that if you have to get married would it be possible to considering me as his option.

And yes, he said that he won't discard what we have been doing for the last two years.

He loves of what we had and he wanted his life marriage as what we have now.

He, then, came up with some options to his parents (this is through email).

First, he do not want to get married. Second, if he has to get married then he wants to do it with his way.

then, my name came to surface in the letter. he describe me to his parents as:(this is the exact words)

Nona, she is not Indian and coming from Muslims family (though she is an atheist as mine)

She is older than me.

and She is coming from very poor family though that has made her to be very independent girl.

the third option is if their parents are insisting to have his marriage with the girl they have chosen then just give the date then he will come to marry the girl.

The parents accepted this as threats.

even worse, they thought that the whole reasons for him not to get marriage is because of me.

In the eyes of his parents, he just made an excuse and tricked them, just to make his parents agreed to his choice, that is to marry me.

— fast forward December 2009 —

He has been trying so hard to convince their parents. but he just can't acts against his parents.

He agreed to come to his engagement by 26 Dec but he told them that even if he does, it is against his will.

the whole drama  has torn me apart. I want him so bad and I can't accept how come he just gives up.

He know it is not right decision because he against any judgement based on religions, cultures or ethnic.

After reading your blog, I do realized that I have never really know the reasons why they rejected me.

Yesterday, I knew what are exactly the reasons.

They have their own image on Muslims based on their cultural experience back in India.

Dirty Muslims that slaughter the cow and eat with the bloody hand of the cow in their plate. 

It is also because conflict in the past between Muslims and Hindus in India.

They also believe that someone who is older than you, you should not marry her but threat her as your sister.

The father is also believed that the role of society is important for the middle class Indian family.

They depend on their reputation within the society.

In one hand, he can't act against his parents because he knew that his parents will move on their life in the wrong directions.

And he can't accept it. while he thought that I and him can move on our live since we are strong enough to face anything in life.

I know logically that is true. His mother has really weak personality.

She could cries for days just because someone jolt her that her son marriage a Muslim.

She has been so many times lost her conscious when she read emails from him.

While, the backlash from society will give her father lost his face and will probably disable his personal carrier life.

At the end, now, I am trying to console myself. I still can't accept the whole things, probably never.

But, I can understand his choice. It is very logic and reasonable.

I am full of anger, because I feel hopeless, I can't accept the fact to loose from this conflict without fighting back. 

I am writing this story to you because I think it is intresting to know how the society have their own images on others.

I do not know how it can be change. I really want to tell them, “look this is me, a person, not a Muslim as what you thought.'

I really want to tell them, “even Muslims in general is not as what you thought of.'

I really want to change the images that they have.

I told him, how you can change your society if it is not starting from yourself.

But I know there will be no clear answer.

just a penny from my own personal life.

Cheers,

Nona