Gori Girl

Hi JJ100,

First off, I want to share my empathy and sincerest apologies for how your girlfriend's parents are misjudging you and subjugating her to a life of servitude.  Understand, that the Indian culture, amongst certain groups of parents, is an item of pride and vanity and they are not willing to see it soiled by their offspring becoming independent.  You have to understand that when your gf first divorced her arranged husband, it brought a large measure of shame to her family, and pretty much made her a prisoner at home.  She is officially considered a "hidden skeleton" in her family "closet of secrets."  Divorces are highly regarded as unfavorable and taboo in the Indian culture.  It shows that the girl is forever unmarriable, which is a sign of the highest dishonor a family can endure.  Don't take it personally, bro.  This is one of the things that I, as an Indian guy, am having difficulties understanding.  I don't mean to paint the culture with a broad brush because "apparently", there are positive features to the culture, though I haven't seen a single one, and I grew up in the Indian culture my whole life.  Chances are very slim, without your gf being firm and incredibly strong, that the family will come to accept your love for her.  They are incredibly narrow-minded and whatever credibility your gf had with her father and brother was annhilated when she divorced a husband that most likely THEY had chosen for her.  For the most part, Indians consider marriages and the prospect of getting married as similar to choosing a new career or selecting the purchase of a new vehicle.  It is a HIGHLY predictable and mundane method of control. 

JJ100, you have to understand that for many girls in the Indian culture, they have almost little to no freedom from their parents.  If you think that some fathers in the U.S. are highly strict on who can date their little girl(s), Indian parents don't even believe in dating.  They see that THEY are the only ones qualified, capable and AUTHORIZED to select a proper mate for their daughter.  If the daughter is in full compliance, then she is rained upon with love (or shows of love) and endearing acts of adoration.  But, if she is defiant and is not in complete and TOTAL SUBMISSION to her new husband, and a divorce results, she is seen as the family's darkest secret, never to be left outside, unless it is to go out and work and bring in income to pull her weight.  Why else do you think they won't allow a FULLY GROWN AND INDEPENDENT 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN to live her OWN LIFE?!!  Despite the opinions of others who say that the Indian culture is a beautiful enigma or vibrant colors and adoring families and strong bonds of fellowship and partnership, it is nothing more than a heavily engrained and rooted system of subserviance and slavery which is enforced via guilt trips, false accusations, emotional drama (including fake heart attacks and faints of unconsciousness), social ostracization from the local community, threats of suicide on the part of the parents (I have also seen this happen in reality with drug overdose), and in some very very DARK cases…honor killings.  

Don't be too hard on the girl.  Once the family has rooted themselves firmly into a child's mind in the beginning, it takes an incredible amount of inner strength to resist such indoctrination and emotional subserviance.  If I were you, this is my most honest and humble opinion – coming from a broken intercultural relationship with a very loving and caring "gori girl", I would just begin the painful but necessary emotional exodus from this relationship.  Because you have to understand that a potential cataclysmic war looms on the horizon for the both of you.  At least it sounds like YOUR family is supportive.  It also sounds like you have a very sound, practical, pragmatic head on your shoulders.  I would use those resources to move on from this relationship.  My friend, as for the question of whether the family will eventually cave in and accept…that is a highly risky proposition.  You have to understand that this is outright war, it is a war to see which side is emotionally and psychologically stronger.  If things are held out between your gf and you vs. her family, it will become like entrenched warfare, sort of like the Battle of Verdun when the Germans tried to fight a war of ATTRITION against the French and make them lose all taste for battle by "bleeding them white" (no pun intended).  You see, they will not give up without a very grueling and bloody fight.  It will leave you hammered to the point of desperation, because, unfortunately, it sounds like they are DEAD set on their ways.  Having to have your relationship based on conditions of clandestine subterfuge and the need for secrecy cannot be good for either of you.

Look at it this way.  It is a brand new year, a decade into the new millenium, and I suggest you use this as an opportunity to move on and move forward with your life.  I would suggest you keep the lines of communication open in helping your gf out, but it is time to have a long chat with her about your concerns and let her know that it is the end.  You should be as upfront, candid and forthcoming as possible with your emotions.  I will pray for you, my friend.  Indians, (Punjab, Sikh, Hindus, Muslims, etc.), at least the older generation, tend to be highly stubborn and proud.  I know, I grew up with them.  I wish you the very best.

May God lead you to victory in all your struggles,

Kratos  

Hi JJ100,

To me, I see some glimmers of light in your story. Perhaps I am just too optimistic and need to find hope in your story as mine in similar but truly there are a couple positives:

1. Your gf is strong, as you mentioned. That is key. She needs to be strong to objectively look at the situation and decide whether or not she'd rather keep her family ties or continue on in a relationship with you.

2. Your gf's mother said she'd support her no matter what. That is also key. If your gf decides to choose you over her family, she knows that at the very least, she'll still have her mother's love which is huge to a daughter.

Has your gf reached out to her shunned elder sister?  If she is looking for familial support when going against the grain, it would make sense that she too support her sister who faced the same tough choice. Her sister may be able to tell her that she prefers her new life, free of the constraining aspects of her culture. Her sister could be a great support system.

I can understand the no-sleepover thing from the mum. Sleepovers are pushing it big time. I'm surprised that she even said it to her father to be honest. That is very gutsy!

Assuming that her family will never change (as Kratos has mentioned how deeply engrained these types of mentalities are), your gf has to basically decide who she can most easily live without (you or her family).  I'm in the same situation with my bf. He has tried and tried (6months) to soften his parents' hearts to the idea of having a white DIL but to no avail. I think he is slowly starting to see that its not going to change and that he has to make a decision. What a scary position for him and your gf to be in… I can't imagine it.

Lots of luck. Keep us posted if your situation changes at all :)