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need help with what to do next with my relationship

UserPost

4:58 pm
June 22, 2010


confused

Member

posts 3

I am looking for some advice about what to about my relationship.

I have been with my bf for over 3 years now he is indian and i am a white woman. We met
when he came to the UK to study after having lived in the UAae all his life. I was 18 and
he was 23 at the time. Neither of us expected to fall in love it just happened. He is not
only my bf but my best friend and my partner in everyway. After graduating he stayed in the UK
for a further 6 months looking for a job however due to economic climate things were hard
and eventually he moved back to UAE to search there for a job. It was hard but we both
decided to make a go and try to make long distance work.

My parents knew about him from beginning of relationship and accepted him into our family
despite having reservations I may get hurt either by him playing me or his parents forcing him
not to be in contact with me.

He never told his parents about our relationship although his mother knew he was talking
to me when he went home on a vacation. I guess she reassured herself by saying I was a friend.

His parents found out about me a year ago now and are not happy with him. They feel
they trusted him to come study not have a relationship. They also question how it will
work with a white woman due to prejudices in india that white women cheat, leave husbands
if they get bored and that I will not move to middle east to live with them.

He has never visited me after leaving 18 months ago due to financial struggles as he
also found it hard to get a job in UAE. However now he has a stable job and was planning to
visit me in 2 weeks time. He told his parents and they are now threatening to disown him if
he comes to visit me. They are trying to stall him saying I should visit them and meet them.

My family are not happy with me visiting although I would be prepared to go visit. They
feel its his place to visit me and dont want me travelling to middle east alone to visit.
They would accompany me if need be but I wouldnt place the financial strain on my parents
to go to middle east as they cannot afford that. I can appreciate their concern and
understand they feel why should I spend all my savings (as I am still student) to visit a man
who left me and has never visited.

So now I dont know what to do. I cant visit him and his family threaten to disown him if he
visits me. I am now feeling that if he doesnt visit me I should end the relationship.
I do not want to be without him and do not want to love another but I feel if he
doesnt come now will he ever come.

I also feel if he doesnt visit me how will he ever stand up to his parents to tell
them he is marrying me. I am just worried I have given my heart away and their is no
future to the relationship.
  

7:26 am
June 24, 2010


kck

Member

posts 63

He's going to have to stand up to his parents.  There's no way around that, but there's nothing you can do about it either.  You can't stand up to them for him.  The best you can do is lay out the situation for him the way you see it, and decide how much you personally are willing to go through. 

 

You'll have to meet his parents sometime, but going now when they won't accept you isn't a good idea.  The only way I think you going there is a good idea if you two are ready to get married and you're having an engagement ceremony (not sure if he's Hindu or Muslim, but many Indian families have a tradition of having a ceremony to mark the engagement).  That would both help his parents accept you (because a girlfriend is iffy, but a fiancee they know what to do with) and demonstrate that they are willing to go along with your marriage (because this would be happening in front of family and friends).

 

If you and he aren't ready to do that, he should come to you, I think.  Going to the UAE to meet his parents will be a miserable trip if they're determined not to accept you.  Making them ready to meet you is his job.

3:06 am
July 14, 2010


nanthony22

New Member

posts 1

I want to start off by saying that I understand your pain.  However, if I have learned anything through my personal experience, I have learned that it is very important to let your boyfriend lead/make the next move.  If he truly loves/respects his family and you, he will demonstrate this through his actions.  It is wrong of him (culturally) to ask you to come alone to visit him in UAE.  This, I think, is more his family testing you and your relationship.  If your father is willing to go with you, or an older male cousin or brother- someone to represent your family, perhaps you could work something out.  However, I think it is in your best interest to have your boyfriend come visit you, and bring HIS family members to your family if the opportunity presents itself.  As much as you long to be with him, it will be worth the wait, and the validation in your heart.

8:20 pm
September 12, 2010


mymanaz

Member

posts 4

oh hunny i can feel your pain as I am going through the exact same thing…I've been with my boyfriend whose Indian for 6 1/2 years now… we met online when I was 18 and he was 20 we went 5 years without even meeting but believe it or not we loved each other more then I can explain. Finally back in 2009 I had enough and I needed to met him. I went to India all by myself. I am from New York and had never even been to another country before. So for me this was a huge risk but it was worth it to me. I had an amazing time only to have to leave him and be alone for over a year before getting another chance to visit again. But this year I am beyond frustrated as he was suppose to come visit me in August but he backed out and said he couldn't afford getting a visa and plane tickets. A year ago just a couple months after I first went to visit him his father passed away and now he's taking care of his mom. My family is very upset as they think I am making all the efforts and he's doing nothing. My boyfriend tells me he's doing so much to try to make this work and he promises he'll come visit me the end of this year. I love him so much but a lot of his promises fall through. I feel I can relate a lot to what you are going through.. see this last time I went to visit him I met his mom, brother and a cousin. It was extremely uncomfortable and I wasn't allowed to stay at his house so his mom put me up in a hotel which made me feel like an outcast. Like I was someone who needed to be hid away. My boyfriend says I don't understand because its not proper for a guy and girl who are not married to go around India alone. He says he wants to marry me soon and says his whole family knows he wants to marry me but he won't just come out and tell them we are planning to get married soon. So anyway to make a long story short… I can understand exactly what your going through as I have thought about breaking up with my bf numerous times…. but how do I say goodbye to someone I have given so much too? I guess the question you have to ask yourself is.. "Is he worth it?" cus if he isn't its best to end it now before you care about him even more and even more of your life passes by. Right now at this moment I almost regret it all because I am more alone and depressed then ever before and I have no idea what the future holds for me. I wish I could look into the future and say all will be fine and work out but I just dont know…. no one does… so sometimes you have to follow that voice inside of you.. trust yourself and what you want in life and what you expect from your boyfriend… and don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend how you feel.. my bf takes it hard sometimes but I am always honest with him. Best of luck hun and please do post an update… :)

2:41 pm
September 20, 2010


confused

Member

posts 3

thank you to all of you who took the time to reply to my post. Incase anyone wanted an update I thought I would just let you all know that for those who said he should come visit me that he did come visit for 2 weeks over the summer there. When I posted originally I was in a dark place and didnt know what to do next but now I am glad to say that although it is still hard I feel more secure he kept to his word and came and visited me. Hopefully soon now his parents and full family all know he wants me to marry me things will be easier and we can plan our future once his older sister is married.

4:23 pm
November 26, 2010


Jamily5

Indianapolis, IN

Member

posts 53

Hi Confused.

Incase you are still reading, please visit the various forum topics. They might give you insight while you wait.

I am glad that he came to visit, but please be careful.

 

"Dil kay rishton kay bhandan kabhi naheen tootnay chahiay hain."

4:31 pm
June 5, 2011


confused

Member

posts 3

Hi

I am posting again almost a year after my original post. Since that time as you all know my bf visited in July last year. He went back to UAE and his sister has since been arranged and got married. He has been telling me that his family had been more accepting and they even had his sister and new brother in law start speaking to me. This all happened before April this year when he came to visit me again. This time there was less resistance from his family who accepted easier he was coming to visit me and originally his father was going to come to meet my family too. However it turns out he did not come with his father but alone and instead his family asked he speak with my family about our future and engagement. So my bf spoke with my father and got his blessing. We then went on a trip together during his visit and towards the end of this trip one night his father called and said he had decided he now doesnt approve. His father has become adamt that he has never approved and they do not think I can adjust to the culture and their family so they told him not to make the engagement. My bf stayed for rest of his trip and needless to say it was hard for both of us. He left me again to go back and said he would speak with his family and convince them.

 

Since returning to the UAE 6 weeks ago he has tried once to speak with his family who now refuse to discuss the matter with him. I now no longer know what to do. I feel like my world has been crushed. Just when things had taken a turn for better we are back to the same as when he left originally 2 years ago. I am looking for some advice from others not involved in this situation as I am unsure if I am right to feel angry and annoyed at his family and also at my bf for not trying harder. Also i am wondering if perhaps I am being naive in this situation and would appreciate other's thoughts.

:(

11:03 am
June 29, 2011


MrH

New Member

posts 1

Hello "confused".

 

Being a bloke of Indian background myself, I never imagined circumstances like the one that you'e been in. I only heard it from non-indian women in a relationship with an Indian guy. But after reading so much about the inter-racial issues on the internet, I've  had to re-adjust to this reality of non acceptance of an Indian family and other difficulties faced by the couple.

 

Anyway, specific to your case -it appears that his father remains unconvinced to see you as a daughter-in-law and the bloke seem powerless infront of his dad. In short I'd say:

 

1.) Find out how genuine this bloke's feelings are. I now as stupid and mean as it may sound, practically speaking if a guy who insists on loving you for the rest of his life cannot stand up to an adversity prior to you being formally 'signed to his name', he probably is not confident himself.

2.) Once you know of his feelings (perhaps you already do), you may want to 'devise a plan'. That is correct-devise a plan. By that I mean, you'd need to identify (through this guy) who holds the key to this family's 'internal affairs'. If its the father, you may want to try to understand and clarify his stance as to why he remains reluctant in accepting you. Once you have those reasons, I suggest you and your partner get together and try to engage the father and have a very frank open discussion to target his concerns.

 

Without knowing much about this family and their background, I'd say usually Indian parents (regardless of whether they have lived in India, UAE or elsewhere) from the early generation (born 1930s -1970s) tend to maintain a conservative view of non-Indian women. For them a caucasian female is perhaps going to be :

1.) Uncaring towards them in their hour of need as they get old

2.) Not be so domesticated as their traditional mail order bride from India. (ofcourse not all Indian brides these days are submissive)

3.) Will not adjust to their cultural set up which may include their views defined/based on religious hardlines such as not eating beef or cooking in a certain way or certain foods etc

4.) The offspring -their grandkids will not be 100% Indian in their brought up etc.

 

Now ofcourse any sensible educated being regardless of their background wouldn't give a hoot about the above 4 as long as you yourself are a good human being in general, love your partner and care about your in-laws and your future (being your kids) which most people do. Such acts are not bound by any religion, race or culture. Its purely human nature.

 

If your efforts fail to counter the above, I'd say that you try (and i know this is harsh and perhaps the toughest test of life), from a practical viewpoint, to re-evaluate your commitment to someone where your life is only appearing to be full of disappointments. You dont have to put yourself through misery simply because you've loved someone whom you cannot have. I would say -you let go and re-establish yourself with someone and something that is worth your efforts.

Hope it helps and things work out.

 


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