Gori Girl

I just found this site and I love it…

I am American and I am uncertain about an interaction I had with one of my friends, who is from India.  I have not know her for very long but she is a very sweet person, very astute and interesting, and I love talking to her.  My question comes mostly out of curiosity, but I do want to have an understanding as I suspect future issues may be on the horizon- she has already offended one other person I know. 

My friend and I agreed to meet outside of our houses in the evening so our children could play together.  I arrived in front of her house and the children were already outside, so they began playing.  Her neighbor's mother-in-law (also from India) was visiting next door, and since she was standing in the vicinity we began to have a conversation.  Eventually, my friend came out and apologized to me for not coming out immediately, and we spoke momentarily.  The dynamics of the conversation was such that the three of us were included and free to participate.  After about 1 minute of this, my friend inititated conversation with her neighbor's mother-in-law (whom she may or may not have known) in a language I could not understand.  I was ok with this, and I never felt particularly uncomfortable or shut out via body language, but then the conversations in the other language continuted for quite some time- maybe 5 or 10 minutes!  It was also apparent to me that the conversation had switched a few times and they were discussing a series of topics.

I realize this is rude, and I did feel perturbed- particularly as she subsequently announced that it was time for everyone to go in… … and she asked if I would like to do this again tomorrow -???-  (ha ha)  I don't feel she meant any harm in the least and I was going to just blow this off.  But then it occurred to me that there might be something I am missing- for example, was she trying to obtain or show respect for an elder person/matriarch?  I don't know, I'm just throwing something out there… she seems too nice and thoughtful to treat someone that way.

Is this cultural or is this typical thoughtlessness?  It's important that I learn to differentiate since (1) I like this person and (2) a large percentage of my community comes from India.

Thanks!!

Hi sistergh-

Thanks!:

"There's a sense that it's okay to burden or inconvenience younger people to comfort/respect older people.  I don't know that most people in the US feel that way, or we at least don't feel this way so strongly and apply it so often."

I like what you said above and that was the only thing I could imagine was going on.  It's really telling that I had to reach this understanding on an intellectual level and I did not grasp it intuitively as it happened.  And it's also interesting because I do hold the notion that a person who is senior should be given respect.  I guess I'm not used to seeing such a -generous- show of respect.. at least not in that form.  In this case, like you said, I suspect my friend thought I would understand.  So even if she was being a little thoughtless, or just going overboard, it does not seem like such a big deal when the situation is put in this context.

By the way, I can't remember whether or not it was apparent to my friend, but the neighbor's mother in law spoke perfect English, she appeared to be a long time inhabitant of the area and seemed very comfortable in conversation.  I did grasp that when my friend came out, the two of them were speaking of towns/cities in India- possibly where their families had come from, etc.

Anyway- thank you for spelling this out for me.  Your response was thoughtful and very helpful!!