Gori Girl

I'm a white, blond-haired girl who had never been in an inter-cultural relationship before moving to New York City. Once there, I soon met Ajit, an Indian man from Delhi who has been in NY for about 5 years, and fell in love.

We've now been together a year this month and we talk about getting engaged at some point next summer or fall. (If you knew me, you know this is huge bc I've been in very serious and long relationships before and have never, ever wanted to marry anyone – and I want to marry Ajit.) He is the most wonderful and amazing person I've ever known. He truly understands me, knows all about me, and wants to see me achieve all my goals. There is no more supportive or attentive boyfriend. But I have to admit something that I feel bad about: I'm scared.

Since the beginning of our relationship, we were always careful to discuss our cultural differences. Yes, we got into some bad fights over things that we didn't realize at first were stemming from how we viewed things differently because of culture – but, we were always able to talk it through and learn more about each other. In the background of all this was his parents, who are still in Delhi. Ajit is their only child, which I think makes things even more complicated. They worry about who will take care of them if their only child is in America, married to a white woman. They don't want to come to America, but at the same time, they don't want to be so far from him. He's decided on staying/working in the US.

Throughout the past year, I kept rationalizing how, when I met his parents, we would get to know each other and they would come to accept me. While I think they've come a long way via phone calls with Ajit – from being very against it, to insisting that I'm a 'fling,' to having recently sat and met with me for the first time – I didn't prepare myself for just how difficult it would be for our families to come together.

I just got back from my first-ever trip to India, which did not turn out to be the best experience for me. My own father accompanied me to meet Ajit's parents and, humiliatingly enough, he did not keep it a secret how much he disliked India – and by the end, was pretty openly trying to discourage me from my relationship, predicting a marriage could turn into a 'disaster.' To make matters worse, I got very sick while I was there, despite how careful I was with water and food, and spent three days in a hospital hooked up to an IV, which was a terrifying experience. I lost 12 pounds in 2 days and was pretty delirious.

I feel like most of the girls I've heard about who are in intercultural relationships just love their partner's home country, and are good at immersing themselves in the different culture. I wondered if something was wrong with me, because I was miserable, (although, granted, that probably had to do with having to handle my dad and being sick,) scared, and longing for my own bed and food. I also felt like this was so unfair to Ajit, who deserves someone who can enjoy where he comes from with him.

Then, of course, there was meeting the parents. I had tried to prepare myself. They were actually very hospitable, cooking us a big meal, but things got tense. They mostly wanted to discuss my diet and religion (they are Jain with a strict diet) and convince me that I need to change what I eat and my basic 'values.' I felt like I could never fit in or feel at ease, and it was hard for me to gel their insistence on my changing with the American attitude of tolerance I know (not that my dad did a great job at displaying tolerance, either). By the end of the trip, right after I got out from the hospital, there was a conflict, due to the language barrier and none of us expressing things in a way the others could understand. (My saying I was 'too tired' to go to an art show somehow came across as my wanting his parents to leave my hotel room? They aren't as good with English as Ajit, who is extremely fluent.) I wondered, if I did marry Ajit, if this would be my life – constant misunderstandings and tension. My dad repeatedly reinforcing this fear and mentioning things like the fact he's wondered why I can't have a regular boyfriend he could go to a football game with and if I'm rejecting my culture made things so much worse.

Now I'm back in the US, starting to get healthy again, and Ajit and I have yet to really discuss the disaster that was our trip. One thing he had said before the trip is that I needed to go so that I could really know his parents and where he comes from before we were ever to get engaged. Also, he says I have to be able to decide if I am capable of ever spending a long period of time in India if we have to (ie, if his parents were to fall sick and we'd need to be there for a few weeks/months. Or so that we could introduce any children we might have to the culture.) These are all practical concerns, and good that we're discussing them now. But, like I said – I'm scared. I'm scared of going back and getting so sick again. I'm scared of his parents and what they think of me. I'm scared of estranging myself from my own family. I'm scared I don't fit in and that I can't handle this.

And to top it all off, I feel bad for feeling scared, since I love him so much, and shouldn't that be enough? I picture myself marrying him, and have almost since we first met. But am I setting myself up for big problems, like my father seems to think I am?

I really, really look forward to any advice/suggestion, etc. I was so happy to find this site! It's so great to find a community of people with similar situations. In my non-virtual life, I'm the only person I know to have dated an Indian person, let alone to have gotten serious to the point of considering marriage, so I have no one to really talk about this with. Hell – I might be the only person I know who even knows an Indian person (yes, where I grew up before moving to NYC was very sheltered and predominantly white. No inter-cultural relationships of any kind).

Help!

I just got back from my first trip to India, too.  My experience was significantly more fun than yours sounds, but I got sick too, and I also had some communication difficulties.  Still, my friction/adjustment/culture shock in India was something that felt surmountable. I think it's because I already had some language skills and I didn't get quite as sick as you did (I'm vegetarian, that probably helped).

It sounds like you might have a much better time if communication were easier.  They're from Delhi, so do they speak Hindi?  Punjabi?  It's not too hard to find a class to learn Hindi (try a local university?), and if you knew a bit of that you wouldn't be dependent on others to communicate. It might make you a little more comfortable.

Getting very sick from food will definitely make you miss your own bed and your own food.  When you're feeling okay, do you like the food Ajit's family makes?  At our house we make about half and half, because I enjoy F's family's Gujarati food.  But if you don't like it in general, that makes it tough to go to India, because non-Indian food is hard to come by.

Those are specific thoughts about specific problems, but I think you have to step back for a second.  You sound very concerned with what Ajit's parents think of you and what they expect of you.  I've sometimes felt like F's family's expectation is that I will just "become Gujarati" — as though my having been born American is a personal failing but hey, what can you do?  I like some parts of his culture but there are others that I absolutely won't adopt, and he backs me up on that.

Your relationship is first between you and Ajit, and what matters is what you expect from each other.  Does he expect you to change your religion or become Jain-style vegetarian?  Do you expect him or his parents to "loosen up"?  What will your balance of cultures be like?  Does he expect that his parents will move in with you?  If they do, what language will you speak at home? Does he expect you to learn his family's language?  There are a lot of questions that all point to how you'll assemble a mixed-culture life that makes you both comfortable.

It sounds like you are dealing with a load of outside forces that are creating a tremendous amount of anxiety for you, and I totally get what you are going through.  I have been with a Pakistani man for over 3 years, and still going through this stuff.  Though I have to say, I have not been to Pakistan yet, so you are way ahead of me in that department, which is a really important step in the right direction. 

Since I have not made the visit yet, I am reluctant to give advice about life overseas, however I do also have a father who is very cautious about my relationship and I do have some things to say about that.  I think it is in the case of fathers in any culture, that they see the futures of their children through their own eyes that is clouded by what they want for themselves.  You mentioned your father asking why you can't get a regular boyfriend to go to a football game with.  I think fathers assume we want the same things from life as them (football games, family vacations, holidays, marriage, children, all of course in the American cultural landscape) and when we go off the path they have cleared for us they get really freaked out.  They just don't understand why we don't necessarily want those things. 

So, what I think you need to do, is clear your head of all these outside forces and get i tune with your heart and who you are as a person.  It can take a long time to do this.  Once you are more clear about what is important to you, I think you will not feel so anxious.  Things that made you feel anxious before will seem like not such a big deal, and merely minor annoyances. Then if you do decide you want to pursue this marriage, just remain strong when it comes to your father and do what you think is best for yourself.

A friend of mine once made an interesting comment when I was telling my relationship woes.  After I was talking about my relationship, and al the issues, I said something along the lines that it is "so complicated" and I didin't know what to do.  They in turn said its not complicated, just "difficult".  I think often times, at least in my case, I make things complicated when they don't need to be.  Difficult seems so much better to me than complicated and maybe if you look at it that way it will easy your mind some.

Wow – thanks so much to everyone for the helpful posts! I've been calming down a lot in the past few days, and you all made really good points and suggestions.

Last night, Ajit and I finally had the talk that we'd been dreading – about the trip, and all the different things we have to figure out. It was definitely rough at some points, but I think we made some good progress and compromises. For example, he's agreed that his parents will not live with us (that was an issue regarding what will happen when they are older) so long as I'll agree that we won't feed our children meat when they are young (but he is open to letting them decide whether they want to eat meat when they're a bit older – his big concern is that he believes his parents might cut off contact with him if he were to give his kids meat, and he doesn't think a small child would be able to lie about this when asked by the grandparents.) As for my eating habits, it's very likely his parents will want to try to convince me not to have meat – but he's talked with them a lot on this and, while I know there's going to be tension over this in the future, they are more able to accept me eating meat since it's pretty prevalent in my culture than they are their grandkids eating meat.

As for our own travels/where his parents will live, etc… we've agreed that, while he should visit at least once a year or so, I will not visit as often – and if, by some chance, I get just as sick there on my second attempt as I did on my first, that he himself will feel that I should not try visiting again a third time. (In answer to the questions, I was diagnosed with 'acute gastrointestinal enteritis,' not hepatitis or anything. Basically, it's inflammation of the intestines that can be caused by different things and the resulting diarrhea/vomiting really does a number on you and on the levels of various things that are supposed to be balanced in your body – my tests showed my levels were off more than 20 points. (sorry for too much information!))

As for where the parents will live… Right now, his parents refuse to move to the US, although Ajit has tried convincing them. They are happy in their community. However, when they're older, and especially if one of them is very sick, one of two things will happen. Ajit may either have to travel there for longer periods of time - maybe two months at a stretch – or, more likely, they will come here (or, if one of them passed away, the other parent would come here). Instead of living with us, though, we would get them a place in our same town and one or the other of us would stop in to check on them most every day. Maybe this is harsh by Indian standards, but the 'not living with us' thing is what I held most firmly on, since I don't want to wind up feeling outnumbered or judged in my own home regarding what I eat, believe, etc.

Alioop mentioned needing to really get in touch with my own heart, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. Now that things are calming down, I just have to sort through it all, everything I saw/discussed/did, talking with Ajit when I need to, and figure out whether or not I feel comfortable with the compromises we reach. As for my dad, I realize also that I need to set 'boundaries' – something Ajit has done with his own parents – which is, when faced with certain comments, making it clear that it's not up to him to decide if this is the relationship for me or not. Since the trip, I think my dad has looked back on his behavior and felt more embarrassed. I think both he and I did deal with a lot of culture shock, and I think that, in his case, being older and never having had any real desire to travel anywhere outside the US, his reaction to it was not right. He's still making comments about the fact he didn't like India – but now at least he's apologizing to Ajit and thanking him for all he did on the trip. He's also claimed that he thinks his malaria pills were making him goofy? lol. I don't know if there's any validity to that, but there you go, haha…

Anyway, what do you guys think? Based on your experiences, do these sound like good compromises? Do you think these plans are doable? 

Those sound like some good compromises. I hope things work out with taking care of Ajit's parents as they get older.

I think you just had really bad luck to get so sick in India. What were you eating? Did you eat non-veg or street food, or unwashed raw vegetables or drink tap water? If you're careful next time, I'll bet you'll have a better experience. I also pack Imodium when I go, but haven't really needed it. I guess I've also just had good luck so far–I've never gotten sick. I think there is at least one thread on this forum where people have talked about traveling to India and health/food precautions to take.

I guess relationships are all about those little tradeoffs and compromises. Good luck as you mull everything over and decide how you feel.

Correction: condescendingly

Another thing I just thought of – how hard it can be to be so different from parents who aren't super open (even if they aren't particularly closed). I'm from a very small-town area, and my first non-White friend was when I was 13 (we were reps on a board that met every few months). My fiance's family were likely the first non-White family to ever eat at my dad's house, come to think of it, because there's just so little diversity (and even less desire for it) in the area I grew up. I think marrying interculturally creates a divide of sorts already — the family of creation experience is going to be so different from the family of origin — but when the creation family was a bit uninterested in stretching and exploring, it seems more fundamentally different (rather than cosmetic differences of which holidays you're celebrating).