Gori Girl

I love my bf tremendously, but lately things that I would label as superstition are driving me bonkers.  To start with, I am generally very analytical and into "reason."  My bf is brilliant, and has a science background.  When we first started dating, he would sometimes say, "In India _____ is considered bad luck," but he would mostly shrug these things off as if he didn't believe in such things.  The times he did seem to be "superstitious" about things I mostly went along with it because the things are pretty innocuous.  He explicitly told me his parents would consult astrologers, but that he doesn't believe in these things. 

His parents are also highly educated.  The parents are here visiting, and we're now planning our wedding, which is an exciting thing.  I feel like these "superstitions" and astrologers and things that don't fit well into my usual reason/analytical framework are now coming at me full speed.  And I'm not sure how to deal with it.  (The "bad luck" angle usually comes from the bf, but in a "my parents will think this is bad luck" way.  And so then I worry about upsetting them.) 

For example, last week there was the call to the family astrologer to check our "compatability" and to pick the better day for our wedding.  This was mildly annoying to me – there was the issue of why we had to go through with the compatability analysis.  If we didn't believe in these things why do them?  (Fortunately it turned out okay, but it bugged me that my bf went along with it at all.) 

Then there is the issue of wearing a mangalsutra with my wedding dress.  The dress I picked won't look good with any necklace, and so I'd thought I'd take off the mangalsutra when I wear the dress.  This may end up being what happens, but the subtext is always that his parents will think I'm harming his health if I EVER take it off. 

Yesterday I suggested that we could do part of the ceremony on the waterfront near sundown and the issue became that it would be bad luck to get married at sundown.  There are lots of other little things like this one.

I'm sure that there are things that I do that are probably based in "superstition" or aren't entirely "rational," but coming across all of these things at once is starting to get on my nerves.  I really need to figure out how to confront this soon.  Any suggestions or similar experiences? 

What Aurora said!

But yeah, I thought of that blog post too.  Many of these things, I would think, are no skin off your back.  Just be patient because they won't really cause you any harm or inconvenience. 

I've come to think of some of my in-laws' superstitions as an expression of love.  Like, if we have a string of bad luck, my MIL gets worried that we've gotten the evil eye, and so she does this thing where she burns some cotton soaked in mustard oil, waves it around us, and then (very faintly) spits at the top of our heads.  It's a way that she is showing that she cares for us, and it's no harm to me.

There are probably lots of things that we do that our in-laws think are weird, or annoying, or not rational.  The key is patience on both sides.

Maybe it's because my husband's family is Jain, and they don't wear mangalsutras, but I've never heard that thing about it harming your husband's health if you take it off.  We have several friends who are Hindu and I've never seen that with them either.  I'll have to ask my husband about it.

There must be more modern mangalsutras.  What about some of the urban, chain jewelry stores, like Tanishq?  http://www.tanishq.co.in

Also, I just googled "modern mangalsutras" and a lot of nice looking ones came up.  Or, you could also go to a jeweler and have something designed.  That is what I did when we couldn't find a modern-enough looking wedding ring.  Labor is super cheap, so it really wouldn't cost that much to have something designed.  What city are you getting married in?  I can give you the name of the jeweler we used in Chandni Chowk in Delhi.

sistergh said:

Which is fine most of the time, but can't I just have the look I want for one hour of my wedding without people thinking I'm trying to do really BAD things to my (soon-to-be) husband, whom in actuality I love dearly?  

And, yes, things are going AMAZINGLY well, and are progressing, and these probably ARE small things, but I guess I just need to vent…

I know how you feel, I really do.  When I was considering doing the combo of Western Christian wedding and Hindu ceremony, I was at a loss as to what to do about my manglasutra.  The manglasutra wouldn't look exactly 'right' with the dress that I picked for the Christian wedding.  What I had finally decided (before I changed my mind and decided on just the Hindu wedding) was that while it wouldn't exactly match, I knew it would make not only my fiance's family but HIM happy. 

I think that was what solved it for me.  Yes, this is to be my big day, but it's his too and to see the smile on Bear's face is enough for me.  I had resolved to wear the manglasutra with the western gown because essentially…it was important to him.  Also, how many western brides can say "I got two necklaces, two rings and all kinds of jewellry on my wedding day!"  lol 

Seriously, not that that is important.  My manglasutra is going to be pretty simple and we are using the daily as the only necklace during the ceremony.  We're going to get the special one when we go back to India. 

But I say VENT AWAY!  That's sometimes the best way to make you feel better and get you started on "Ok…vented…now how can I solve this?"

Finally got to read this and post now that the tags are fixed!  Any updates, sistergh?

FWIW, I did not wear my mangalsutra with my white wedding dress. It didn't match, and I wanted to wear the pearls that my grandmother gave me as an engagement gift. Fortunately, it wasn't a big deal since G's family isn't that strict about wearing it. I really like the idea of putting the mangalsutra in a small bag to carry or pin inside your dress, though — I would've done that if I had heard about it a couple of years ago!

Anyway, that's probably not that helpful, but I also wanted to post about my mangalsutras. I wear them pretty often with my Western clothes because they don't look like your typical bulky Indian jewelry. My main one is mostly intricately carved gold beads with a few black beads scattered throughout and is very small and delicate (only about 16 in long, maybe 2 mm wide). My other one is even smaller and more delicate; it's a very thin gold chain with a few small black, coral and gold beads (seed bead size) about every inch or so and is also about 16 in long. Mine are both from India, but I've seen similar ones in NJ if you're shopping there. Perhaps if you find something small and inconspicuous, you'll change your mind about wearing them. I'm sure the significance of it being a symbol of your marriage will affect your opinion as well.

Here are a few small, delicate mangalsutras for reference:

http://suppliers.jimtrade.com/…..105198.htm

http://shopping.indiatimes.com…..sid=&q=&

http://shopping.indiatimes.com…..sid=&q=&

Hi sistergh. I do understand how you feel and I consider myself lucky that my family is not that superstitious. Have you told them abt the western superstitions? About wearing something blue, something old, etc? About not been seen by the groom? Do they find it hilarious? If that were important for you but you were willing to compromise, would they as well?

What I want to say is to let them see that you consider all superstitions to be just that and not only theirs. That you are both rational and don't really believe in bad omens.

If you don't want to wear the mangalsutra, they should respect your decision. It is your wedding after all.  

Of course it's easier to talk than actually being in the situation but hope this helps.

We had a ring exchange during the marriage ceremony but myd ear husband can't stand the ring in his finger. I take no offense and he keeps it next to the bed so he can wear it when he wants something