Gori Girl

I mentioned elsewhere that I became veg over the course of my relationship with Abhai and would talk about it if anyone was interested, and someone was, so here we are! I don't know that I've come across any other White/American woman (or man) who has chosen to become veg for the relationship. In fact, although I'm very comfortable with it, I try to downplay it publicly because I'm afraid of being judged as "giving too much" or being in an unhealthy relationship because he couldn't "accept me how I was." One reason is that many of his compromises are equally big but much less visible, whereas my veg decision is very public (if I'm staying with family or friends, or even just sharing a meal, it's necessary for me to tell them so I can actually eat!). My thoughts are not fully organized, but I numbered them for easy reference. I'm curious to hear how things work for those who both eat meat but eat different meats, or who coexist happily veg and non!

1. He told me why veg was important to him, which included religion, respect for life, current economic conditions of farmers, treatment of farm animals, environmental impact of farming, the resources required to raise meat versus veg (you can feed more people by growing corn than by growing corn and then using the corn to grow animals). With the exception of religion (Christians usually interpret Genesis as saying to use animals in any way, although some interpret it as supportive of veg and environmental conservation), I agreed with all these points, and part of what I love about him is that these issues are important to him.
2. I had slowly weaned down to a few servings of meat a week, just by eating with him most of the time. When I visited home, I was a little sickened by the amount of meat I ate during meals with my family, which would have been normal for me just a few months prior.
3. Neither of us really know if he would have ended the relationship if I had not become veg. It's hard to know what a person can put up with and what they can't, which is why I become veg the night he told me his decision — I wanted to give enough time to make sure I could do it before we decided to get married.
4. It turned out that my definition of "veg" was different than his. He is lacto-vegetarian (meaning he eats dairy products but not eggs), and I am ovo-lacto-veg (I eat eggs and dairy). Some consider seafood to be non-meat (I've never liked seafood, so I had no desire anyway). However, when I think of "meat," I think of "chunks." I didn't even realize that chicken rice-a-roni might not be considered vegetarian. He is very strict about things that include meat fat for flavoring or gelatin (comes from bones/hoofs), which includes most vegetable soups and marshmallows. We finally worked out that I will be "100%" (no gelatin or animal product of any kind) at home, because I do the shopping and know the products and am satisfied with our diet, but that when I am with friends or family at their homes, I will be "98%," meaning that I will not eat anything that visibly contains meat but I will also not scour the ingredients labels like I do in the stores. This was a very difficult compromise to work out (he felt like I was going back on my promise like his family said I would), but it came down to my need for control over my decisions and the fact that he assumed I knew what he meant by "veg" when I agreed.
5. I was much helped by a Gujarati veg woman who joined my class within a week after becoming veg. As the only veg (like when I'm with friends from undergrad or my family), it feels like I'm the "difficult" one or the one who gets forgotten, or it's a big deal to people to accommodate (which is very kind, but really, when I say I can easily make a PB&J if I need to, I mean it). With 2/6 being veg, we're remembered but it's just part of the normal routine.
6. I was VERY careful starting out. We did special shopping trips, which included lots of nuts and yogurt and other proteiny, easy-reach snacks…I knew that I would be very grumpy about being veg if I didn't feel full. At first, it was an adjustment, and I did need those little pick-ups when I felt a little light-headed…I really don't notice any difference now, so I'm not sure if it was in my head or if it really is an adjustment. Starting out with "indulgent" foods made the transition much softer for me, though, and I would recommend starting with lots of safe meals (like pizza, pasta, mexican) that you can easily remove the meat from.
7. I'm not a very accomplished cook, but what I did know how to cook included meat. This has also come up with my dealing with surprisingly strong feelings that I should be able to adequately fill my gender role (despite years of joking that I had to marry a man who could cook or my kids would starve). I'm slowly learning to cook, but even planning meals took a long time. We're still figuring out how to incorporate Midwestern foods I love without having that "meat" – mashed potatoes and vegetables on their own aren't very filling, but most options would make the meal overly starchy.
8. The way I eat has completely changed. I don't like most fake meats (except hot dogs on the grill, because the smokey flavor and ketchup cover all that's wrong!), but I eat SO MANY veggies that I never liked before. I've become a much more open eater, which I really like. I don't fall into the "chicken fingers and fries" routine, which has good and bad points – most "risky" restaurants use meats as their American safety food (which is a problem bc Abhai loves Middle Eastern food and I haven't quite warmed up to it), but I've also had amazing experiences with dishes I would never have tried before.
9. Going home isn't the same anymore. There's a loss there, a loss of communion and ease…they do special shopping for me, and sometimes the yogurt still has gelatin, or I end up eating very few meals at home and so they're "stuck" with the food they bought for me. I'm still working this one out…this Christmas I especially appreciated going to Abhai's family, because I can eat whatever I want there (spiciness aside).
10. I'm really happy with my eating habits right now. Genuinely. I never thought I would become veg, and I doubt I would have ever done it on my own, and I don't know if I would continue it if our relationship ended right now…but I'm still very happy. I've only missed it a few times, and that's usually been because there weren't good veg options where I was (and because Panera puts chicken stock in the broccoli cheese soup – jerks).

Post edited 10:56 pm – January 13, 2010 by luckyfatima

Very interesting topic, especially the idea that you would feel judged by others for adapting too much in the intercultural situation.

Subcontinental Muslims tend to be more insistant than other Muslims about eating Islamically slaughtered meat ONLY, this meat is called zabihah halaal meat. So many Arabs I know eat meat from the American grocery store…I won't go deeply into the reasons for eating zabihah halaal-only among desis, it has to do with adherence to religious interpretation about what is considered permissible to eat, and IMHO a common desi penchant for sticking to ritual purity rules, as I know of desi Muslims who drink alcohol and never pray but only ever buy zabihah halaal meat. Anyway, this relates to your post on diet issues because if you are a Muslim who is open to American grocery store meat, or perhaps a non-Muslim married to a zabihah halaal only eating Muslim desi, you also have to make adjustments: zabihah meat is widely available in big cities, but if you are not in a big city you may have to drive on special trips to get it in a major city, or often groups of people will buy an animal from a local farm and slaughter it and share it…if you are the cook at home you have to know how to clean and chop up the meat from the farm and this is something many Americans aren't used to with our American penchant for meat without any signs that it belonged on an animal (i.e. our boneless, skinless chicken breasts and square cleaned fish filets and such), also this zabihah only thing limits your dining out as your partner will only eat veg. and seafood (and extra bad luck for you if your partner follows a school of Islam that disapproves of many types of seafood and you don't believe in following this yourself), also your partner will require special foods at your family gathering (I know of friends who bring a halaal turkey to their parents' Thanksgiving dinner). My husband eats American grocery store meat and eats whatever my family serves (no pork or alcohol of course), but this is a major issue if there is a conflict in what is okay to eat.

As far as the veg. thing, I know so many Hindu couples where the wife doesn't eat meat and the husband does. She still cooks meat for her man, but abstains herself, or some family members eat meat and others don't and it gets cooked in separate vessels. Then there are those who wouldn't think of having meat in the house. I have some neighbors who always send us snacks and things when they cook something special, but they cannot eat what we send to them because we are Muslim and we cook meat in our vessels, due to ritual purity issues. I respect this and appreciate that they think of us and send us food, anyway. 

I think if you choose to go veg., more power to you, though, and you shouldn't worry about others thinking that you have adapted too much or given up too much. Honestly, I could eat Indian veg. foods everyday and never miss meat. But I see how this becomes a problem when you are settled in the US and also with the other issues you guys have described above.

DJain, you crack me up! I'm picturing your husband chowing down on a bunch of bacon and airing out the kitchen before his mom gets back. Funny! My new hubby was never vegetarian (none of his family is), but one of the first foods he had when coming to the U.S. was a burger at Burger King. As they say, the rest is history…..so we eat all of the same foods. Our problem still is the fact I don't like too many Indian dishes, but other than that we have the same taste in foods! We both love Chinese, Italian, same meats, same breakfasts, snacks, desserts..all of it. Now if I could just have the tastebuds for some curry!

Haha, I know, it felt like we were having a "quickie" but it was a bacon quickie, not the other kind. Naughty!

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday about his mom being here was that my husband convinced his mom, who eats a very strict Jain diet, to eat onions, garlic, and potatoes while she is staying here with us (she normally doesn't eat them, although the rest of his family usually does). It made it easier for us to come up with meals we could all enjoy, and she really enjoyed it too. I think she felt compelled to go without them again when she got back to India but she enjoyed them while she was here.

Sjtp, you'd be surprised, but you can cook your own Indian food from scratch much, much cheaper than the frozen meals or even than many western dishes. I'm talking pennies per serving, if you cook dal or chickpeas or beans and serve them with rice and homemade chapattis. Other cheap veggies we like are cabbage, or frozen veggies (that are often on sale, so a buck per bag or less) like spinach, peas, cauliflower, etc. Poha is also a cheap meal for breakfast or a quick dinner. These are all things that we ate for the past 5 years as my husband was going through grad school and we were also on a very tight budget.

I think if you have a starting point and a plan, it becomes easier to get into cooking more regularly. Here's a list of quick, fairly cheap vegetarian Indian recipes. You can use frozen veggies in a lot of them, so they become even quicker and easier.

- dal (use red lentils/masoor dal — it cooks in about 20-30 minutes. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/E…..etail.aspx)

- pav bhaji or sai bhaji (boil together a bunch of veggies and add in part of a spice packet. http://allrecipes.com/recipe/p…..etail.aspx)

- uppama (veggies and sooji/farina/cream of wheat – it takes about 15 minutes.  http://www.recipesource.com/et…..c0165.html)

- cucumber-chutney sandwiches (my MIL's recipe — slather bread with coriander chutney and mayo, top with sliced cucumbers and cheese)

- sabudana khichdi (tapioca pearls – requires a couple hours of soaking, but the actual prep time is only a few minutes. http://www.indianfoodforever.c…..ichdi.html)

- tomato "omlette" (with besan instead of eggs. http://www.aayisrecipes.com/20…..egetarian/)

- paneer bhurji (scrambled paneer. http://www.indianfoodforever.c…..hurji.html)

- kalingad ghavan (watermelon rind pancakes, but you can make them with other veggies. I've never tried the sweet version in this recipe, but the savory version is delicious. http://food-forthought.blogspo…..cakes.html)

Now I'm making myself hungry!  

I specify lacto-ovo veg when I think someone might be finicky. Abhai is lacto only (no eggs), so we use Energ-G egg replacer for thinks like pancakes, cookies, and cakes. When we go to a party, I volunteer to do the cake (so I know Abhai can have some), and everyone raves about it – the egg replacer makes the boxed cake mix come out very moist and soft, although a tad flat. Cookies are the same (chocolate chip cookies are my contribution to his thesis-writing – batch for every chapter and for collecting data). I like to bake spur-of-the-moment, which means I like to keep ingredients on-hand, so the dry egg replacer makes it easier to do that. 

I hadn't been keeping eggs at home for a few months after it got out that some egg factory farms just throw male chicks into a grinder (*shudder*), but recently began buying them again…I'm thinking of switching to a local farmer, though. My main reason for eating them at home is a quick, low-cost, low-calorie meal…we're trying to get into cooking large batches on the weekends and freezing them for whenever, though, so that might eliminate that need.