Gori Girl

How are the conversations going? I know my fiance and I are currently going round after round about our wedding (250 people, very big for me but limited for them, Hindu wedding in Sanskrit with everything explained in English). For various personal reasons (largely that my late mother, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew, and all grandparents can't be there, as well as terror of being the center of attention and building high hopes for something), I have always begged him to skip the wedding…he initially wanted it just for his parents, but now he is really excited about it (which is the biggest betrayal of all – I could deal better when we were both martyrs to his parents' dreams). What helps us get through is talking directly about our feelings — not just what we want and how hurt we feel that the other person doesn't want to give it. If you search for feelings charts, you can even find lists of words to go through together (feels ridiculous but has really helped us get through a few standstills).

Has your gf been through a visit of your parents? It might be different from what she's expecting. It might help if you go through GG's posts about her in-laws' visits, to give a more clear idea of what will be hard and what won't. Also, what are your plans for as your parents age? A's parents have lived in the US for 30 years, so we're guessing that they'll lean toward just extended visits and/or living very closeby until they need the full-time care of living with us. When things were still rocky with them, A was able to agree (after many, many heated talks) that, if I give it 6 months and just can't deal with it due to them being rude or disrespectful to me, he would break it to them that they could no longer stay with us unless it was medically necessary (I'm guessing a shudder just went up the spine of every Indian adult child who read that). Now I don't expect those kinds of issues (just normal family issues — stressful but not threatening to tear apart a marriage), so we're planning to consult with them about their plans when we're ready to buy our own house someday.

This is definitely a big issue, and one you need to honestly agree on before you get married. Both of you need to communicate honestly and openly about what your expectations are and what your fears/wishes are. It would definitely help for your girlfriend to experience a visit from your parents before she makes up her mind.

I don’t know if my experience is that helpful, but I can tell you how we negotiated this issue, and maybe your girlfriend can see that it can be a good experience. From the beginning, my husband was very clear about his hopes/expectations about having his parents stay with us for long visits, and in the future helping them in their old age or even having them live with us. He didn’t try to gloss over this in hopes that I would get used to the idea eventually, he just came out and told me. Unfortunately, about 8 months after we started dating, his father died, so then it was just his mom we had to worry about—but of course now that his mom was alone, it also made the issue more pressing.

I took the attitude that, ok, this is a pretty great guy that I’ve found. Much of the reason that he is such a great guy is because of his parents and the way they raised him, so I owe them a debt of gratitude for that. Unless they turned out to be mean or nasty people, I decided to accept the idea of long visits and even having them live with us in the future. However, I did have a few things that I wanted in return. Those were: we need to live in a big enough house where we can have our own space and privacy. I refused to be in a situation where we could not be romantic/lovey-dovey/sexy with each other. Also, even though my husband’s mom is Jain, I wanted to make sure that I could continue to make and eat food that I enjoy. I made it clear that even though Mummy could consider our home to be her home, I was not going to take a submissive role in my own home. I am the lady of the house. So I think we came to a pretty good compromise where we both felt comfortable. We bought a house that is bigger than the two of us really need right now, both because we plan to have kids soon and also with Mummy’s future visits/living arrangements in mind.

I’ve posted about it on this forum, but so far we have had one long (about 6 month) visit from Mummy. It was actually really awesome. It helps that she’s an extremely kind and gentle lady, not pushy or demanding. We did cook some non-veg, but tried to cook things like bacon (that are stinky) when she was out of the house and we had the windows open and the fan going. I just tried to do it in a way that was sensitive to her feelings, and for her part, she didn’t complain or try to change anything. She was incredibly helpful too, which was wonderful. My husband is great, but he doesn’t do much around the house other than grocery shopping and cooking (mostly he does finances and car maintenance). So it was incredibly awesome to have someone else around who helped keep things straightened up, made dinner sometimes, etc. If it had been a shorter visit, I probably wouldn’t have let her lift a finger, but we basically all agreed that she wasn’t just a visitor, but a member of the household. It was nice to have someone around to spend a quiet evening (listening to music, doing needlework, watching movies) with if my husband was busy, and it was also really fun to have her teach me some of her recipes. We got to the point where she was always on my side and my husband started to feel outnumbered! I’d have to say the only thing that I didn’t like was that we were in a small apartment at the time (2 br, 1 bath) and it’s tough for three people to share one bathroom, especially in the morning when we were all trying to get ready to leave. Thank goodness we have three bathrooms now!

We're planning her next visit now, July to January, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think one of the scariest things about dealing with parents in an Indian-Western relationship is that Americans verbally value the marital relationship above all others (so at least when parents "meddle" or "cause rifts," it's considered bad taste on their part and poor character if the spouse lets it hurt the marriage). In India, it seems that the marital relationship at best is on par with other family relationships, and in many cases can be considered secondary to the relationship with parents. For me, the scary thing is: When it comes down to the line, will he be on my side, and how much damage will I take before that happens? I generally like my MIL and FIL, but we've had a few issues, and A did eventually set clear boundaries to protect us/me (incredibly hard for him, but I also still sometimes feel so hurt that it took over a month of me telling him there was a real problem for him to make that move).

You may want to think seriously about how much you would be willing to compromise with your gf. Are there times that you could not put the marital relationship before the parental? If your parents refuse to move to the US and she begs you not to move to India, could you handle having another sibling or cousin take them in while you financially support, talk on phone/Skype, and visit frequently? If you knew they were well cared for and that you were involved frequently in their lives and care, and had a standing offer that they could come live with you in the US, could you tolerate their complaining that you didn't move back to India to care for them? Are you willing to be firm with your parents if it truly seems that you're offering to make reasonable compromises and they are not willing to compromise anything? I have to set frequent boundaries with my own father and know it's never easy, but I can tell that it's even more difficult and painful for A to set boundaries with his parents.

DJain, I didn't know your FIL died so recently. That must have been very difficult for both of you. We attended my grandfather's funeral exactly a week after A's parents threw an engagement party for us; it was rather surreal to be in the whirl of wedding planning excitement and then to watch my grandmother standing in the receiving line. I'm so glad you have such a close relationship with your MIL; it warms my heart just reading about it. I believe I saw you on another forum, which mocked you for enjoying your MIL's visits (A still has fears started by some of the attitudes expressed on that site!).

Kat, My own experience was a very negative parental reaction but eventual acceptance, and I expect to have generally pleasant and possibly close (if we get through this damn wedding) relationships with my IL's. Not everyone gets a negative reaction, but do bear in mind that the first reaction is not the final say. In the end, you also need to able to trust the relationship that has been built to withstand threats, even from parents.

Thank you SJTP, DJain and GoriKat for your wonderfull suggestion. It give me a new understanding of my gf's feelings. My gf and I have to do a lot of work/talk to understand each other on this and come to a common happy ground.

As per my parents getting older frankly speaking I have not thought about how to handle that. They have not said that they expect me to be there for them but as an Indian son I have to think about it. My parents always say that my happiness is their happiness.My gf and I have been talking about what to do when they get old.

I am very clear with my self that my relationship with her is of utmost importance and we have to find solution to everything.