Gori Girl

After reading everyone's comments, thought that someone could give me advice on my situation.
I am in love with a guy that is Hindu. When we met, he was working in US on an H1B Visa & at that time I was unemployed. Then he got laid off because of the economy his consulting agency did not find him another project in USA so he had to return to Delhi. It has been 2 weeks since he has left & we had just begun dating, like only 2 months, but we fell deeply in love. He said he felt comfortable falling in love with me because he thought we had time to be together. On our first date I thought I had asked all the right questions, most importantly, "Will your parents accept me?" He said "yes, they are modern parents". But I did not know about H1B visa so I did not ask that. But when he found out he was returning, he got depressed and stopped being physical with me because he did not want to hurt me in case he can't stay. But we were together alot up until the day he left. I said that I would marry him for legal reasons so he would not have to leave and if we worked out, we could go to India & have legitimate Hindu wedding & if it didn't we could get it annulled. He would have no part in that whatsoever because he is afraid of his parents reaction, mainly using me to get a green card. Also he thought that we would have more time for me to know his parents and vice versa. Then I offered to bring him back on a fiance visa and he will not do that either, even if it is just for legal reasons, again he said "no" because of what his parents would think. So now we are trying desperately to get him a job that will transfer his H1B Visa to get him back over here so that we can be together. But in this economy, it has not been easy, especially since he does not have an "in-demand" job skill right now. During our short time together, I could tell how much he was in love with me and I fell totally in love with him & could feel how "once in a lifetime" our love could be, if given the chance. But it has to be on his terms. On one hand he tells me not to wait for him but on the other hand he says things that indicate we are going to be together again, he will return to US & that I am his hope. I have found that I can't talk to him about "us" because his mind is so focused on his situation & he's depressed about his situation. So I follow his lead & respect his wishes and don't push him. I told him that I will be here for him when he returns & he likes that I said this & he told me he wants to continue where we left off before he lost his job. I know this is a "once in a lifetime" love & I know he knows it also. We are still very close & talk EVERY day on the phone. And I have also begun to convert to Hinduism, which I had began before I met him. Also, I find that he only talks about his religion when he is in the mood and has refused to answer questions about his caste and sect. I have told him that his parents do not live his life & he said that the "parents" thing is cultural and that he will not lie to his parents & I told him I totally respect that. But then i found out he lied to his parents about him being laid off of his job, at first. I know I can't push him too much so I have learned when to back off.
I am just so upset over this whole situation because I feel that he is the one for me and we could have something great if we weren't split up by this horrible job thing & he knows this also, but won't go against what his parents will not approve of.

Can someone please help me to make sense of what is cultural things about the way he is acting or if it is just pride, or a little of both. I need some insight. Also, He is 30 years old.

Hey!

Thank you so much for your advice/post! I don't know what he has said to his parents about me & I don't think it is a good time to ask him that right now because of the state he is in.  I have pushed him to try to talk about things with us and getting him back here & I don't get to far & then he tells me he does not want to talk about it anymore. I told him if too much time goes by I can go to Delhi & visit him & he said to not do it just for him. Part of that has to do with his living situation and his life at the moment. He feels lost & stagnant & does not know where he will be at in the near future because of his job situation. Currently he is not in a good living situation in Delhi. Lives in a very small apartment with 2 roommates, only 1 window, no air conditioning, water shortage, & extremely oppressive heat. His Consulting company hasn't even found him a job there so he has lots of idle time. I know when he was over here he would talk to his parents every day just to check in with them & tell him that he is fine. I also think too early in realtionship to tell them.  I did tell him that I would be totally comfortable being over there because I have traveled lots & have experienced many different living situations including worse than what he thinks is bad, so hopefully it helped that he knows that.  In fact, I would move there once I know that we definitely have future together. I would love to live there with him. His roommate/close friend knows about me and I talkwith him.  Do you know of IT consulting agencies in Delhi that he could sign up with to get another project in US? He has H1B & can transfer it.  Also, do you know if comes to US on a different kind of Visa, visitor or fiance, does that void out his H1B?

I hope that things are going welll for you in your relationship!

Take care & be well!

Jane,

I can only tell you my experience. I too fell in love with an Indian and had the best time for 12 months until our visas expired and we had to return to our countries. Until now, that has been the saddest day of my life. Being apart for 7 months we realised we had to be together and luckily found jobs in the same country we met and came back. Oh but not in the same city. I was living in Aberdeen and he in Stoke-on-Trent (around 400 miles) so we met every other weekend. It was better than in 2 different continents but still not enough. One fine day he found a job in Aberdeen and moved in with me so we've been together for almost 2 years.

Be patient. I might sound like and old lady but if it's meant to be, it will be. My now husband faced a lot of attempts to getting him to marry but he was always strong. We knew we would be together eventually and fortunately we did very soon. This economic climate doesn't help but wait, keep in touch and keep the love alive.

Why don't you visit him in India? Or meet in another country? For him now finding a job must be his top priority and knowing you love and support him can help him go on.

Dear DesiAmerican,

I can see why you and others are suspicious of the post. It might be real or not but I really see no harm in it and any response in it might help others. Sorry if I seem intruding. The last few months for my wedding preparations I was very active in a bridal forum. One day one of the girls posted that she was not a real bride but just an American student doing some research for her PhD (I emphasise American since the forum is British). She had created a shallow personna to see how others reacted to her. It caused an upheaval and many other girls felt betrayed and insults were going all around. I think if we go to anonymous forums, we can expect things like this and just take the best of it and dismiss what doesn't seem right without purposefully hurting anyone.