Gori Girl

Hi Kaveri!

I have a question…is this recent behavior or has he always done this? 

The reason why I ask this is because…

1) It can help isolate what the real issue is.

2) We can give better advice.

Without knowing that, I can give some very general and broad advice. 

First off, I can say I empathize with your plight, my ex-fiance was this way.  He didn't understand the concept of simple affection or non-sexual affection.  To him, his behavior was showing his love and affection and by me rejecting his version of it he felt rejected.  The only problem was that I found his method of showing love entirely unacceptable.  We discussed this issue off and on for years, with little to no affect.  He just couldn't understand why I didn't like it.  I couldn't make him understand how it made me feel.  The bad feelings I would get, how I felt like he thought I wasn't special or was less of a person than him (like he didn't respect me).  Sometimes I even felt dirty.  It was also a intimacy turn off and the feeling that I needed to hide from him in order to protect myself from his loving gestures just didn't fit in with what my idea of a healthy relationship was supposed to be. 

We did seek counseling and it did work for some time.  During this I learned what should have been apparent to me all along.  My ex was not socially adjusted.  His skills in the social context were stunted and the skills he did posses were learned inappropriately.  I also learned that the times when he would do this the most were his way of saying that he felt vulnerable and unloved….or he was looking for attention.  After realizing this, I tried to find ways to make our relationship work. 

Did you notice the key words in that last sentence?  Here it is again.  "After realizing this, I tried to find ways to make our relationship work."

Read the words "I" and "make".  Essentially I was on my own with this because he slowly reverted and didn't see how what he was doing was wrong and that if I didn't like it it was my problem to overcome.  That I couldn't change who he was and it was unfair to try to make him change.  Blah Blah Blah. 

While the essence of what he was saying is true, it must be applied in context.  Touching me in ways that I didn't feel comfortable with (whomever it may be…husband, boyfriend, SO) is unnacceptable.  Just because you are in a committed relationship with someone, or legally married to someone, doesn't give them the right to do anything they want to you.  Even in certain "circles" there are control words so that the action stops. 

You need to sit down and explain to your husband that this is not just you being unique or weird on not liking to be touched this way.  You need to explain that no matter what you don't find it accepatable.  Also, you need to let him know that it's affecting your relationship with him.  Use a non-accusing tone of voice and a lot of "I feel" statements so that he doesn't feel on the defensive.

"When this or that is grabbed, pinched or twisted, it psychally hurts but I also feel bad inside, I feel less of a person or not loved or respected."

If this doesn't work and he continues, I would suggest counseling. 

Basically though, this is not a cultural thing, it's a MAN thing.  Or even a PERSON thing.  My ex-fiance was a blue eyed, black haired Tom Cruise look alike…with the attitude to match sometimes.  :)  Some people just do not understand or have never learned social skills, either outside the home, within it or in intimate relationships. 

I wish you so much luck and know we are here for you when you need it.  :)

One other thing I forgot to mention that might be helpful…just like with any problem you never want to take the problem to someone unless you already have some sort of plan or fix in mind.

So you might also want to think of something that you can say like…

"Is there anything that I can do, or we do can do together, to change this?"

"How about if when you feel like doing that, instead do this?"

"What if we have certain play times when we do that so you can still show your emotions for me the way your used to and I can be better prepared for it to enjoy it with you?"

That sort of thing…. :)  Hope this all helps!  Rest well!

Wow I can say I do relate somehow to the original poster. My husband has always had this thing of playfully  spanking me while I am doing any housework. Never understood it and when I say it can actually hurt, he does it softly but still does. Of course he also kisses me out of the blue or just hugs me for no reason but the spanking.. always gets me.

I never thought of it as an Indian trait and more like a who-knows-what's-in-men's-head way.

Interesting thread, something I can relate to as I do the same with my wife … grabbing, touching, hugging, winking, kissing at unexpected time and place sometime even in public. I guess I need to watch for similar complaints from her.

I also call her cutie and she always responds with you are still blind. Though my female co-worker who overheard me once saying cutie to my wife on phone commented that it is so cute that I still call her cutie even now when we are in 40s. She wish her husband did something similar. I more think of these actions as complementing my wife instead of just saying a  monotonous "I love you." My wife is now so habitual to my unwarranted attention that sometime when I am occupied with something else and ignore her for a while, she gets curious if something wrong or I am upset about something. I guess I should discuss this with her instead of assuming she doesn't mind.

I wonder why OP doesn't take it as complement that he still finds her attractive even after being married for 14 years and after two kids to bother to do such things. Would she rather prefer a monotonous "I love you" or no attention from her husband?

IMO, enjoy the attention while it last. Responding in kind to his advances and discussing reasonable boundaries may be one way to handle and see if things calm down to a manageable level. I know my similar actions have become infrequent over the years with only occasional brushing of my hands or grabbing.

@kaveri. Romance, dating and sex is not very usual part of Indian culture. If he or she is born and raised in India and then it is more than likely they gonna suck in bed at first. Make sure you are very very clear specially for women about what your expectations are and what your moves are. It may sound too bold or rude but as some one mentioned earlier no sugar coated words but be clear. Communication is the key. Trust me your relationship will get better soon!!

I echo Aurora,

sometimes men just don't know how to act. And, it is not Indian/South Asian men: but any man.

They know what they like, but may not know what you like or how you may like to be touched.

Show him a better way of touching you and tell him when he does it this way, you will feel more amorous.

Remind him that you are not an object like a computer or a spoon.

He can't just manipulate you the way he would like.

But, I think that if you help him do things that you enjoy, he'll want to do those things because he sees/feels/knows that you want to be intimate with him, as he does you.