Gori Girl

Your guy is an American of Indian heritage. If he was born here and picked up English as a small child (presuming his family spoke to him in another first language), his English is way better than his home language and any quirks you hear are idiopathic mistakes just like you and I as native speakers make (and we do make many mistakes in natural speech and also in writing). And basically English is also his first language, he is a native English speaker, and you can assume that English is his dominant language and that his parents' mother tongue is the language that he speaks slightly broken, not English. Probably Indian born and raised Indians who speak with him in his family's language point this out to him.

Indian Americans have their American sub-culture (or should I say sub-cultures because Indian Americans are very diverse just like Indians, so like Gujarati origin Hindu Americans in a city with a lot of Gujaratis have their own thing going on, etc.,). But it is an American sub-culture distinct to America and based on being Indian origin in America. Your guy has been negotiating his Indianness and Americanness and his experience as a person of Indian heritage in America all of his life. You should take cues from him and not his Indian born and raised family members. Respect how into Indian stuff he wants to be and don't impose anything. Don't worry about imposing your Americanness, he is an American and has dealt with Indianness next to Americanness all of his life.

Watching Bollywood films and liking cricket does not an Indian make…those are superficial elements of culture, and not all Indians like these things anyway. Don't worry about those things. If you like them, fine. If he gets into them, fine. But liking them will not make him "more Indian." He is what he is.

If you are personally interested in India and incorporating Indian culture and language into your life and your relationship with him, then that is fine, especially if he is cool with that.

There are some good books that deal with the 2nd gen Asian/Indian American experience and Asian-American sub-culture (Asia is a really big place obviously, but in many anthologies of stories and essays on this topic, South Asian and East Asian representations are included together, although there are some books specific to South Asian Americans, especially fiction). Since you are not Asian American born to immigrant parents, you will never really know what it's like, but looking at these books give us an inkling of some common Asian American experiences. Not to say that your guy will necessarily identify with the same experiences presented in these types of books, but in all likelihood, he will get a lot of it. So it isn't just about getting to know India, it is about getting to know Indian America. 

How to find these books: You can google Asian American Studies programs at unis and look at their coursebook lists. A lot of the books are stuff you might be familiar with like Jhumpa Lahiri books and so on. There are some films that deal with the Indian American experience like American Desi, or the Indian-British experience like Bend It Like Bekham. Sometimes these films focus too much on conflict with Indian raised parents, and portray characters with Indian accents as backwards and buffoon like, high lighting that ABD versus FOB polarization as the main issue of the Indian-American experience. But really it is deeper than that, which is why I suggest you look at books, too.

Good luck!

Great topic, sjtp! I'm right there with you and found myself nodding along with everything you wrote. G was born here and pretty much considers himself American with a little bit of Indian sprinkled in here and there (a lot like Gori Girl's Indian Pot Pie recipe, haha ).

re: Language. G learned his native language first and started speaking English when he was about 2 or 3 when he was sent to preschool/daycare and had to figure out how to communicate with people other than his parents. His native language skills stopped developing sometime around then and English became his dominant language. So he pretty much only knows how to ask for water/food and scold little kids in his native language. I'd like for our kids to learn his language, but he doesn't want them to learn it since it's not widely spoken (which I think is all the more reason to try to keep it alive). He wants them to learn Hindi instead because it's more useful. Of course, that means we'll also have to learn it.

re: Cultural Identity. Yes to both the code switching and the becoming more interested in his culture as he ages. G doesn't do the code switching with me anymore because we've been together for 12 years, but he did in the beginning. As for cultural interest, G supressed a lot of his "Indianness" as a kid/teenager because he was picked on mercilessly in school and wanted to fit in (there were very few other Indians where he grew up). As he got older and more comfortable with himself, he has become more accepting of his background and has learned to embrace the differences.

re: Family Culture. G has, I think, internalized a lot of the good things in both Indian and American cultures. For example, he's very respectful of and close with his family, but he knows how to set clear boundries that are acceptable to both us and his family. We both very much want to keep that hybrid ethical/moral standard going in our family. As far as incorporating American things like Christmas, that's not really a problem with us because his family started celebrating secularized/gift-giving Christmas (also, Thanksgiving, July 4th, etc.) when he was young. They decided that the whole family had off from work/school anyway, so they might as well get together too.

luckyfatima had a good point about taking your cues from him. I also think it's important to be observant and talk about what you see. If you see that he or his family does something and you're interested in why they do it, ask him about it. He's used to switching back and forth and he may not even realize that white Americans do things differently. Also, it is very important to stick up for yourself and your wants/needs/culture. Just like you might have to compromise on some things, he should be expected to do the same for you. "Because that's the way I grew up" is just as valid an excuse for you as it is for him.

And yes, The Namesake was very accurate in describing the 2nd-gen experience.

I have a few more points that I'm mulling over, but I'll have to get to them later…

Sorry to let this lapse for so long! I've been doing a lot more reading along than posting lately because I'm just too busy to put much thought into things.

re: language/hypocrisy. I don't think learning any langauage is a waste of time, and it can only help later on. Even though G doesn't really speak his native language anymore, he credits learning two languages at a young age with his proficiency with Spanish now. It wasn't as much of a stretch for him learn to translate back and forth because that part of his brain had already been developed. In terms of culture, the language is a very strong tie back to the community/culture, and I think it's a very important one. There are a lot of things that different Indian groups/communities have in common in terms of religion/beliefs/food/etc, but language is the biggest thing that ties one back to a specific community (especially in G's case, because his specific dialect is pretty rare).

Bridge of pop culture:

1. I really liked Life of Pi, but I didn't find it as directly relatable as The Namesake. It brought up some interesting questions about religion and how different/similar the major religions are, but it was more about religion as a personal choice and less about how religion relates to the outside world/other people.

2. We also love Russell Peters! He is often quoted around here, especially the bit about Indian body hair 'cause G's pretty typical in that regard ("Let's put these people in the hottest place on Earth. And just for fun, let's cover them with hair"). I think anything that allows you to have a discussion about important topics is great, even if it's a comedian.

Going back to your original post re: family culture and authenticity:

If you feel uncomfortable/inauthentic doing something, then try it on for size a few times. If you still feel strange, don't do it unless it's going to cause major hurt feelings for either Abhai or his family (or you or your family, if it's something you want Abhai to do). If it's going to cause problems, then fake it 'til you make it. Eventually you'll get used to it and it may even take on a new meaning for you, even if it's not the same meaning for them. I find that seeing how happy G/my ILs are when I do certain things (eg, answering in their language with one of the 4 words I know, touching feet – not that I have to do that very often) makes it a lot easier to get comfortable with doing them.

This is a really interesting discussion. Hope to be back sooner next time!