Gori Girl

Post edited 10:29 am – August 10, 2009 by Gori Girl

Did you ever face some serious troubles with your family (i.e. parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family) due to your intercultural relationship? Were they worried that your relationship would not work out because you and your spouse were too different? Did they have any biases? How did they got in touch with your spouse's family, and were they any cultural or even language barriers? How long did it take them to accept your spouse? How did you make them come around?

By asking these questions, I'd like to share my crazy cross-cultural story

My own parents are not happy with me having an Indian boyfriend (let's call him Prasanna). My dad is very suspicious of Indians since I've was dating another Indian student, who turned out to be married, and while we were doing so, his wife just gave birth to a baby daughter in India. He'd always told me that he would marry in a couple of months, and I guess he did so to enjoy the one term he studied at university here. Somehow I was okay with this (it was not a serious relationship after all) and I never felt the urge for any doubts. When I found out, however, I was so shocked and angry. Prasanna was the one to tell me, my cheating-date introduced us to each other (the two of them were sharing a room in the student's hostel for a while). Prasanna still feels guilty for not having told me earlier. So, when we were still together, my dad was rather cold when talking to Prasanna on the phone and left some comments on suspecting Prasanna was already married, too.

I guess my mom likes Prasanna, but she's worried, too. When I told my parents that we were dating, she was so determined that he would plan to marry me in order to get a visa?! Luckily, she gave up this one crazy thought after some time passed. After our breakup in last November, she's totally against the idea of giving us a second chance. Prasanna broke up because he was stressed out, he had to move to another city only four months after we started dating, and he was afraid of parental disapproval. I knew that the whole "telling-his-family-issue" was really hard to deal with for him because he would hurt his parents; but for me, leading a life in the shadows was not an option. He thought we would never be happy together, even more after I told him that moving to India one day was not really an option for me. Nevertheless he informed his parents only one day after we broke up (out of desperation) and tried to get their blessings while staying in India for vacation. His parents did not give in, though they never threatened to disown him or called me bad names etc., but they simply were not interested in this issue. So we remained separated, but kept on talking on the phone nearly every day. He even visited my twice (old flight bookings), and told me that he still loved me. He planned to have an arranged marriage after the pain had vanished.

In February, my boyfriend found out by chance that I was seeing another man (not serious for me). He became totally emotional and vowed that only now he found out how important I was to him, that from now on he would stand up for us against his parents. I didn't buy his offer then because he was so emotional that I thought he would change his mind after some time, plus I was still hurt and angry for causing so much drama (after all it had been his decision to break up). So we decided to stop talking on the phone for five weeks.

I turned 23 during this time and he surprised me by sending a gift via mail. It made me feel that I still mourned our breakup. I called him for thanking him for his gift and so we started talking on the phone again. He told me that he did not change his mind since February, and that he asked his parents to stop searching a future bride because he's still in love with me. In April, he has visited me twice so we could discuss the possibility of a second try. He never forced me into making a decision. I'm feeling that I should give us another chance, but of course I have my concerns (is he for real, will we solve the trouble with our families, can we trust each other after all the drama?).

Back to my mom She thinks that I will become the looser in a relationship with him. Her main doubts are that sooner or later he would move back to India, and if I should come with him, his family would terrorize me/us. When he decided to break up, he talked to my mom on the phone, explaining his reasons and that he never intended to hurt me. But since none of the problems we separated for are solved, my mom simply doesn't trust him.

My older brother is very diplomatic and has been my ally throughout time. He knows Prasanna in person, and I guess he understands me/us best.

Of course I have no 100 percent proof for showing Prasanna told me the truth; but why should he make the effort of visiting me (it's a five hour drive) if he could easily be married off to an Indian woman who would come to join him soon? Why would he pay for the flight he booked for me to visit him in June? I trust him, because honesty always mattered to us. The question is how to make his parents come around? Prasanna says that only by time they will accept his decision. I'd like to get in touch with them somehow… but it's not so easy since they're living in India and I don't know whether talking on the phone was appropriate to make a first contact.

I'd be glad if you had some advice for us Because now, we have two families to come around!

Thanks for reading!

I think I've had a mostly good family situation with my family accepting my Pakistani boyfriend/now husband, but there were still a couple of things like you described. My father has always been 100% supportive and understanding (because the only biases he has are something like class-ism or level-of-education-ism, so he always loved M, my husband.) My mother and grandmother are different stories. 

I TOTALLY understand the "she thinks I'm going to end up the looser" thing. My mother always used to say I was "compromising too much" and stuff like that. Part of the problem was that I converted to Islam, which is different that your situation in a way, but not entirely. A lot of it is due to you adopting "too much" of his culture and "rejecting your own" and hence your parents. It's hard for them to not take it personally, and they worry about how you'll survive in this weird world and how any subsequent kids will be raised. They forget that they too rejected a lot of the thing their own parents wanted for them and sought to blaze their own trails, too, once. 

Personally, I had to freak out on my mother. We've always been really close and I've never – not even as a teenager – argued with her. But during the wedding planning she kept trying to get me to postpone it and I kept telling her that wasn't an option, and I finally freaked out on her on the phone. She said she needed a minute and then called me back after a while and we just went right on with the planning like nothing happened. I think I could have handled it better, of course. But the main point – that this was my life and that I was an adult and smart and wasn't going to sacrifice myself just for "a man"; that this was a life I was conciously choosing after a lot of thought and it really was a good choice – was clearly conveyed. 

Not that it's all wonderful now, though, I still get comments about how M "should convert to Methodist" as if I am somehow only Muslim because he is, or like we're crazy fundamentalists or like our religion affects them in any way except that my grandmother would like to not have to ever acknowledge it. And my aunt asked if M "was strict with me." What the hell? How is that even a question? Has she MET ME EVER?

Sorry if that's not much help.  Besides trying to communicate that you are not pulling some stupid "But I loooovvveeee himmmm" teenage girl move, the best solution is time. Over time people are forced to recognize your relationship as stable because you'll still be together and happy (God willing!)

Post edited 5:35 am – May 23, 2009 by Miss Mary

   And thanks for sharing! It sounds like you have a lot going on between you & Prasanna, your relationship & your parents, and your relationship and his parents!

 Yes, I've hit the jackpot with this relationship! Plus it's a long-distance/weekend-relationship right now Thank you GoriWife and mocroid for sharing your experience, too – it's always refreshing that you're not the only one with a heap of troubles.

    Your dad: It seems like the biggest (only?) problem here is that he doesn't trust Prasanna's intentions towards you. You say that “he is very suspicious of Indians” due to one bad experience you've had dating an Indian guy. Is that the only negative experience he's had regarding Indian culture? Have you pointed out to him that this is very prejudiced thinking – would he judge all, say, British guys poorly if you had a bad run-in with one British guy?

 You are right – he doesn't trust his intentions. He's afraid that someone would terribly hurt “his little girl' (though I'm not a “daddy's girl” type, I guess that many fathers have misconceptions about their daugther's boyfriends). I haven't really talked to him about my personal dating issues (he leaves this to my mum), so I don't quite know what his position is right now. I guess he's against Prasanna and me giving our relationship a second try, but he wouldn't interfere. Interestingly, once I'd asked him what he would do if his parents would have rejected his girlfriend without really knowing her, he said that he wouldn't care about their opinion at all.

I do respect the fact that my parents are concerned, and I tolerate their opinion as long as they refrain from calling my boyfriend names etc. (which they never did).

    Anyways, I think it's a good idea to spell out exactly how you hope others will act, and think about what sort of things you can say or do to help these things along, while recognizing that, ultimately, you have no control over their behavior.

    So with your father, do you want him to be neutral? Supportive? Accepting of Prasanna? Do you think talking to him about prejudices would help? Discussing your own worries about the relationship? Or do you think this is going to be one of those things that only time will help – if he continues to see you in a good relationship with Prasanna & interacting with Prasanna's family & the like, he might eventually get over his supcisions.

I would like my parents to be more supportive, at least being open to Prasanna's point of view. They simply don't understand that it was a big thing for Prasanna to tell his parents about our relationship. I know it is not easy for them since they haven't been exposed to a different cultural set, and to them, the traditional pattern of arranged marriages is a sort of inhuman, middle-age practice.

When I was at home during the semester break, and living with my parents for two months, Prasanna asked me whether it was okay to visit my family and me – also because he wanted to a make a point to my parents he was serious. Then, my parents were against him visiting us because they did not wish to get to know him as long as he did not inform his parents. Maybe I should have put my foot down by simply inviting him anyway, but I did not want to violate my parents' “privacy” and I thought it would be a bad start for a meeting. In the future, I think it is better for them to have a first meeting on a neutral ground.

I told my brother how much their behavior disappointed me (I should have told my parents as well!), and he assumed that they were possibly aware of gossip – I grew up in a rather conservative, small village (sort of hillbilly setting), and having a brown-skinned boyfriend would have drawn certain reactions (also for my grandparents who live next door).

    Your mother: It sounds like to me, you'd like her to be more supportive of your choices – again, have you told her this? I'm not a parent, but I suspect that it's really difficult to see your kids doing something that you think will end up hurting them in the end. However, it sounds like she's got her heart in the right place – she's just worried. Talking to her about what you need from your relationship (”Mom, I know you're worried, but right now I need you to just be here for me to talk to without judging – I just need some support”) might help. Also, involving her more with Prasanna – getting them to hang out togehter & talk about future plans the two of you as a couple share, might help her worries. And, like always, time is a great soother.

I hope that time will work for us, because my mom got really suspicious after the breakup. I did not hide our second-try relationship to my parents because I'm convinced that honesty works best for any kind of relationships. I've been very open to my mom in the past, we have a good relationship and I know that she's only worried about my future and my decision in what way I want to lead my life. Sometimes I have the feeling that I tend to forget that my mom is my mom (hence always worried), because I see her more as an advisor and somebody I can really rely on. I have to keep in mind though that matters between Prasanna and me should more or less remain only between us (so to speak not to tell my mum every detail of our relationship).

Post edited 8:35 pm – March 6, 2010 by matungawest

You could use Skype conference and get everybody on video chat. It's free and any awkwardness encountered can be conveniently attributed to the webcam/internet connection ;-)