Gori Girl

Hi

First off, thank you for a forum where I can get to talk with so many couples in happy inter-cultural relationships.

Second, I wanted to quickly state a brief background before I pose a query:

I am back in India after living in the US and Europe for about 8 years. All this time, I dated some wonderful people from those parts of the world but somehow couldn't commit myself to a serious relationship. The main reason for this was the apprehension – 'Would she be able to live with me in India?'

I am now back and though I get to interact with a lot of nice girls here, I have developed a strong feeling that I would very much want to consider a long term commitment with a European or an American woman. In other words, I am searching for a life partner but don't want to restrict my search to Indian women.

Query: How did you (in an inter-cultural relationship) meet your partner? Feel free to also tell me about some avenues that can be used to meet with people from different cultures here in India.

Thank you

Post edited 7:17 pm – June 9, 2009 by DJain

x-post with Shanulk

Well, of course.  You're obviously not leaving it to “chance” or “luck” if you go places where people with similar educations and backgrounds hang out–such as the mostly-grad-student bar that my husband and I met at.  I wasn't looking for a guy the night that I met him, but that doesn't change the fact that I was hanging out in a place where other grad students and international students–the kind of guys I found the most interesting–hung out.  I don't think that chance or luck would have brought my husband to me if I'd just been sitting at home and waiting!

Shanulk, I do agree that you should look for places where ex-pats hang out.  Look for common interests.

more success stories in bars and parties!

i wonder if any of you are in Mumbai, that'll help me get a good idea of bars and nightclubs there. I hate the night life in Delhi (scope for another toppic? ) but don't know much about Mumbai.

I think I'll also join special interest groups, if there are any. A little over 8 years ago, I registered with MENSA in Kolkata but there were mainly nerds attending geek-ly meetings there.

thank you, D!

It is a delight to know that most gori-desi marriages do very well. Also wanted to add a small note – it is absolutely not true that all desi men desire to be with submissive meek women. Thats probably the biggest myth. Most of my guy friends would love to have a woman who would challenge them to do their best as a husband and as a human being.

Congrats and all the best to all.

I agree with DJain that you could meet the right person when you least expect it. My boyfriend of 21 months moved into the townhouse right next door. We chatted here and there (2 minute conversations) for about three months and then Labor Day night (2007), we spent four hours talking outside! We became friends and after about two weeks he asked me out to dinner and the rest is history. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd meet somebody this way! And I must say we were both cautious in the beginning because we realized if it didn't work out, we'd still see each other every day, since we were neighbors. I'm so glad we didn't let that stop us! Plus, it made for interesting conversation with all the neighbors (we have a great group of friendly neighbors on our street). The smiles and questioning looks we got from all of them the first few months were just too funny….

But I would definately put yourself out there and try to meet women in these groups you mentioned. Sounds great!

Really, YP?  Why do you think that is?  And what were the demographics of those marriages? 

I did see a depressing comment on Sharell's blog by a desi guy in an unhappy marriage with a white woman.  There are definitely challenges, but what marriage doesn't have them?  I do know of at least two gori/desi marriages that are successful even after 30 years (one is a prof at our university, the other is a couple in my uncle's neighborhood).

Here's another avenue for you: my husband and I met via an online dating site.  Match.com, to be exact – it's probably the biggest in the U.S., though there are many others out there.  He contacted me first, and I must admit that initially I wasn't really looking for an intercultural relationship – not that I was opposed to the idea, but it wasn't at the forefront of my thoughts either.  But he was so charming and funny in his emails that I decided to respond, and we began sending emails and eventually decided to meet in person.  The rest is, as they say, history… :)

Now, I'm not sure whether you'd find a lot of non-Indians on a site like Shadi.com, and I don't know whether sites like Match.com are limited to people in the U.S. (I would imagine so).  But it might be worth doing a little research/exploring nonetheless!

Dating sites, that's a great idea–you should try that, Shanulk!

That's pretty interesting, YP.  And it kind of goes along with what I was expecting.  I have a theory about that.  As I've gone through my education (bachelor's and master's in English) and getting older, I've gone from being really hardheaded and thinking I knew it all–to realizing just how much there still is to learn, and what interesting things there are in the world to learn/experience.  I started out my bachelor's thinking I knew so much about literature, for example, but finished realizing I'd barely scratched the surface, which is why I went on to get my master's.  And that still only got me so much deeper into what I could say for sure that I "know." 

I think it's the same when it comes to relationships/dealing with other cultures.  If you're younger, or less educated, it's easier to be really hardheaded and refusing to budge.  But with more education/world experience, you realize that there's so much to learn and be open to learning about.  So I think that university-educated professionals are more likely to be willing to learn and compromise with each other.  Maybe I'm completely off-base, but that's just my theory.

Thank you DJain, Auroracoda, YP and others. I am sorry I couldn't respond earlier since I had been busy with the relocation from Shimla to Mumbai. I am flying out tomorrow.

Since I am in India now, internet might not be the best way to go about it since I guess people prefer being 'out and about' rather than working through their dating sites registrations. I am passionate about the mountains, the himalayas in particular, and have always fantasized about showing other people the mystique and breathtaking views my terrain has to offer. Later this year I plan to start a trekking club and that hopefully should get me acquianted with likeminded people.

Meanwhile, I've had a very tough (and very due) talk with my father who thinks marrying outside the 'roots' would be a bad idea. We've reached a point where I've stopped reasoning and he has stopped bringing up the topic of marriage. Its like a tug of war with neither side chosing to apply any force to their respective ends of the rope!

That's really interesting, YP.  I've never met any women like that, or couples like that. 

I see what you mean, YP.

I am trying to settle down in Mumbai and I must say its taking a big effort. Very different from what I thought it would be, after living al these years away from India I thought things might have improved here but the roads, dirt, attitude of the people is just the same in some places. Its also quite amazing that in the north you have very pure and pristine places at the same time, I am missing Shimla more than I am missing London. I don't think anyone from Europe or the US would want to live in such 'busy' places as Mumbai, so I've shelved my search-for-a-bride program for now.

Post edited 2:15 pm – June 22, 2009 by fightingback

sorry-double-post

We met at work. B's a phd student and I'm a librarian at the university. I had been asked out by many students before  and WOULD NEVER EVER date one. ha. Oh not that I'm super hot or anything but a lot of lonely engineers here and I might just be the one of the only women that speaks to them!

We were facebook friends and a stupid status message about another indian man breaking my heart (that I met on okcupid). He just wanted to help me so I wouldn't get hurt again but we fell for each other. We resisted because we worked together. I didn't tell my colleagues for a long time and still it's only my boss and a few friends that know. I wouldn't want students to know I'm dating one. But there's a big difference between an undergrad and a phd student.  I called the union to see if it was ok, thinking it would probably jinx me by saying it. We didn't want to make things weird at work. but we couldn't resist it and look what happened! we're nuts about each other and his family is thrilled and we even matched 32 of 36 in indian astrology.

Shanulk, don't shelve it. wait actually do – because when you aren't looking it'll happen. And you'll receive what you put out there, so iif you put the energy out there that where you live is no place for your future wife, then it's not going to happen.  For B, I'd live anywhere. Of course I've yet to visit Mumbai, and am relieved he never wants to live there, but when you find love, you'll do amazing things.  Have you looked at this woman's blog. She lives in Mumbai. http://www.whiteindianhousewife.com/

Heather, I'm curious about the astrology too. I know my bf's parents will be speaking to somebody about what date to choose for the wedding? I haven't looked into this too much yet-need to read up on this. I know astrology is deemed important, although my bf said his parents aren't into it too much. I'm anxious to hear about this astrology match! :) I'd be curious to check this out, just for kicks.