Gori Girl

Thank you to you all for your words of encouragement.  For the first few days, when I could barely do anything because I was so upset, your posts helped me feel better. Nobody really understands the situation in my life, besides you guys.  Most people, when they hear the situation, start brutally bashing him which really doesn't help the matter at all. 

I'm not crying all the time now but I am still really down about the whole thing. I am keeping myself overwhelmingly busy and reading book after book in record speed to try to distract myself. When I am not busy, I sleep. It kinda sucks, this type of life but hopefully, someday, it will become better. 

Because I had spent so much time learning about and picturing myself becoming a Muslim, I am confused as all heck about my religious identity now too. I cannot bring myself to say I am a Christian anymore but I'm not Muslim either. I feel really resentful towards him because I really looked forward to becoming Muslim, alongside him etc. Now I have absolutely zero Muslim support besides one of his female Muslimah friends. I know that I don't need a guy to seek out religion or God but I still feel like he deserted me and I connect him with Islam which is now a very bad thing. Continuing to learn about Islam just reminds me of him over and over.

I wish all of you all the best in your relationships :)

xoxxo

Hey cakebakergirl!

How are you doing?? I just thought of checking on you… I hope things are getting better with you… and I really hope that by now you have started meeting new and more interesting people! :D

Most of us have gone through heartbreaks, and I know how much it sucks… but trust me, in future when you get into a better and happier relationship, you will realize how much you learnt out of this bad experience and you will be much more capable of turning your new relationship into the most amazing thing in the world! :)

So, just smile, and pamper yourself and be happy… the rest will just follow.. you don't even have to do much once you start keeping yourself happy! :)

In the past year I went through the most difficult time of my life (and trust me, it got TOO bad… I had almost gotten suicidal at one point)… not because of any relationship, but because of the job scenario and VISA issues and loneliness and everything. But, at the end of it, now I feel like I am a much better and happier person than I was an year ago. The past year made me think about certain stuff a whole bunch, which I would never have done if I was always happy. But, after all that thinking and getting to know myself and my needs and wants better, now I could lay out a perfect plan for my life (even if that plan is to never go by any plans :P ), and know what will make me happy, and know how to reach out for it too. It even gave me the confidence to take up big decisions, and I made a huge decision of moving back to India. This has made me very very happy, and I will be leaving to India in a couple of weeks. I am just glad I went through the bad times, otherwise I would never really know what I want, and I would have not been sad, but not been 100% happy either! My life would have remained incomplete till I realized what was missing.

Sorry for the boring rant… just wanted to let you know how my bad times actually turned out to be good for me. I hope your tough times end soon, or rather, have ended by now, and you find love and happiness very soon! Same goes out to all you girls! :)

Love,

Meghana

Hi,

Thanks for the update. Glad to know that you are doing well. 

Funny how little things can sometimes get us all choked up. Eventually all will come to pass and all will be nothing but a distant memory. Take care.

Congratulations, that's great news. All the best to you!

yay!!! good luck!!!

Dum dum dum… I took a while to fill in the story with more details as I promised because it has actually taken a turn for the worse again :(  
He and I reconciled on a Saturday evening at an Islamic event. That was great- he showed up with flowers (though he left them in the car since it wouldn't be acceptable to play the bf role in a mosque- hehe). Anyway, our reunion was like out of a movie. Intense, romantic, we drove to a park and stared in to each others' eyes in the dim moonlight. lol It was perfect. We made plans to hangout the next day at coincidentally, another Islamic event, a family picnic that I was already planning to attend. He wanted some alone time with me so he asked if I'd go out for dinner with him afterwards. I was pleased, over the moon, elated, everything was coming up roses. During our reunion the night before, we talked a lot and her promised that he would never cancel on me again- that he wouldn't make plans if he couldn't be sure that he'd keep them. So Sunday rolls along, he shows up for the picnic, all was well until his father started calling him. Then he broke the news to me that on Saturday night when he came home from seeing me at the mosque, his father was waiting for him and had a complete fit and took back his blessings towards him and I marrying if we choose to. Because of this, my bf said he could only stay a little while at the picnic and cancelled on the dinner that he had invited me to. I guess because I had been on such a high and the fact that we had been back together for less than 24 hrs, I became hysterical (away from the picnic goers luckily but still- really really upset. I was just SOO upset that despite all the stuff he said to me the previous evening, he was back to his old ways. I told him that one more cancellation would be the end of our relationship and really laid down the law at that point. At one point, the imam who had semi counselled my bf and I the evening before when we were at the mosque, saw that I wasn't smiling and asked me what hte matter was and where my "man" had gone. That was it, then I started crying in front of him and some of the other people which was totally embarrasing because I am not a public cryer!

After that, I told him that until he had it all together, I couldn't see him, all we could do was occassionaly talk on the phone. Of course that didn't happen and we've seen each other a few times since. He ended up cancelling on me last Sunday as well. His father had thrown another fit due to him attending a charity gala with me on the Saturday evening before. When he fought back, his father started up the shoe throwing again and kicked him out of the house in the middle of the night- screaming and with the neighbors watching across the street. I was so angry that I almost completely broke up with him until I heard why he cancelled.  The fact that his father treats his 30 yr old son like a criminal for attending Islamic and charity events which I happen to be at, just shows how ridiculous he is.

This past week, his little bro who had been in PK helping their mother (who is still in PK) with their new vacation home. I say that is what they are doing but really, the mother is desperately looking for born and bred Pakistanis for her two sons and daughter. She doesn't seem to get or care that none of her children have ever even lived in Pakistan and that bringing some girl/guy back to Canada to marry her children is a recipe for disaster. While his little bro was in PK, he seems to have recessed in to a slightly backward (Paindoo- ignorant villager) type of mentality. While before he was a least semi supportive of my bf when their parents fought him, now he is like a brainwashed person, and only wants to do what their parents want. He told my bf to leave their family and never come back basically when my bf sent him an email pouring his heart out to him and then took him out for coffee to talk. The bro was totally against it and said he himself would die before my bf married me. What a family of drama queens.

MY bf is devastated. His entire family has desserted him. Nobody cares about his happiness. He is so sad. He actually cried in front of me, like sobbed. We have come to the conclusion that moving out of the family house is the only option for him now. He has an excuse in that his new job is 1hr20min drive in each direction and once winter hits, that won't be safe and will be even slower. I'm urging him to be moved out soon though, like before his mother gets back from PK. Once she is back, there will be more fights and emotion, and it'll be harder for him to gather the strength to do it.  My parents and the mutual friend  that my bf and I share are both quite p'd off at him for getting back together with me before he had 100% approval from both parents.

On one hand, I want to be firm with him, and actually follow through with the consequences I have described to him for cancelling on me. But when I see what he is going through, then I can't be hard with him. He is going through such horrible drama that it doesn't seem fair or loving of me to actually stop talking to him until he is clear on his end. I have concluded that his family is not going to come around, I have stopped hoping. My only hope is that if inshAllah, we marry and have kids, that once the first child is born, maybe his parents will come back in to our lives. That is where I am.

Sigh… it is so tiring for me. And knowing that my fatigue is nothing compared to his fatigue just further exhausts me.

Why can't his parents just stop being such haters!?!

Post edited 11:01 pm – June 29, 2010 by sjtp

– I edited because I had used "Indian" when I really meant "South Asian," especially as your man is Pakistani! -sjtp

It sounds scary as hell, but what I've heard from Indians (I assume it's true for Pakistani, too) supports kck's advice. The basic idea is, they'll raise hell as long as they can because him marrying you isn't really convenient for them, so they perceive nothing to lose by trying to break it up (either they'll fail and he'll marry you just the same, or they'll succeed and get to pick out their own daughter-in-law, or at least get a more convenient racial/ethnic match). 

However, if there's two things the average South Asian values, it's marriage and family. So, once you're actually married, typically no one's gonna mess with it. They're going to respect it as just as sacred as every other marriage. And, at the end of the day, they'll work to preserve their family — even if it means accepting an inconvenient daughter-in-law.

The caveat? There's a difference between the "typical" South Asian reaction to intercultural marriage (which not everyone has, and which may seem "dysfunctional" from our cultural perspective), and a "dysfunctional" South Asian family's reaction (which may never respect the union or accept the couple into the family). If your man's family is just dysfunctional and hurtful to each other, rather than functioning in a different way than Americans are used to healthy families running, standing up and setting boundaries on his life is likely an act to save his own soul, not just your relationship.

Question- does anyone have any suggestions for me as to how to help support him in this tough time?  His job is about 150km (1h20m drive) west of my place. I work one hours drive east of my place. We're looking for an apt for him there so that he is close to work for the time being. So once we find him something and he moves in, if I was to drive to his place after work, it would be a 2.4 hr drive. Of course I'll do it but its not like hes going to be 5 mins away so that I can run over and help him whenever he needs help.

I guess the distance isn't really what is scaring me. What is scaring me is that his family is going to call him and in a moment of weakness, he'll answer and allow the conversation to get to him. He could start to feel the extreme guilt again. Our mutual friend and I have both prepared him for the eventuality that his parents will be calling him complaining of more faux illnesses. This is going to kill him. They always play up that they're dying and I fear that he's going to cave and rush to them. Once he gets there, they're either going to be in the hospital faking their illness OR they'll start attacking him… ughhh what trouble makers his parents are.

Update:

His mother called him last night from Pakistan. She told him to go back home. He told her that he is stuck in a 3 month lease so he cannot move home and that he'd only visit if everyone promised to accept the situation (ie that he is marrying me). His mother made him promise to tell his father and siblings that he himself called her because apparently, the father forbade them all from contacting him since he "walked out on the family". His mother started asking questions about me such as if I drink or eat pork.

She also commented that she thought that maybe I looked better than when she briefly met me that time last summer. I guess his bro showed her some facebook pics or something. When I questioned him further about that comment, he told me that she didn't think I was attractive enough for him all this time. Apparently he told her she needed to stop thinking he was movie star gorgeous, that he is just a normal guy and so I am equal with him. I find all of this rather offensive and it really hurts my feelings. I know I am not unattractive by any means but to have a future mother in law who has been discussing my "inadequate looks" with the family is really hurtful.  I really want to talk to my parents about it because I know they'll make me feel better but I cannot because they will take it personally. Then there will be even less chance of a friendly first encouter between his family and mine. My parents are hugely protective and think I am the best thing in the world and that any guy would be ever so lucky to have me, so this whole experience has been really hard on them. My bf is having to fight for me as if I was the least educated, most unattractive immoral person in the world. I really shouldn't be surprised and I should have been prepared for this, knowing what I know about his mother in that she is extremely superficial despite the fact that she herself has not kept up her appearance at all (not to be bitchy but its true).

Sorry, just ranting/.

I am seriously afraid that when I meet my boyfriend's parents they will think I am too fat.

@cakerbakergirl are you muslim?