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3:49 pm
July 29, 2009
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sistergh
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| Member | posts 22 |
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I'm getting married in around 2 months. It looks like my sister's marriage won't make it that long. Aside from my feelings for/about her, I'm really worried about what happens if FI's parents find out about her possible divorce before our wedding. (I don't know if her husband will make it to a lot of pre-wedding events or if they'll be together at our wedding. I'm also worried about relatives who may know talking about it in front of them.) My family doesn't seem to understand FI's parents' perspective on this, but it's my understanding from FI that even if his parents won't try to stop our wedding because of this, their view of my entire family will be really tarnished if they find out about this. Maybe he's just overly concerned, but do any of you have any experience with something similar?
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9:58 am
July 30, 2009
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DJain
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I was writing a whole long post about this, but basically: yes. I have experience with something similar. My parents are divorced (it happened when I was in grad school) and remarried. Also, my sister (who's kind of a hippie) had a child with her boyfriend and they later broke up. Anyway, we decided it was none of my husband's family's business. It has nothing to do with me as a person or as a woman marrying into their family. So we lie or evade the question, as simple as that and as bad as that sounds. I think now that we've been married for almost 4 years, and my in-laws have gotten to know and love me for myself, that if they find out it won't be as big of a deal, but at the outset I think it's better if your in-laws don't know.
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8:48 am
July 31, 2009
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D
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I agree with DJain; just don't tell them. If your sister's husband doesn't come to the wedding or related events and they ask about it, just say he couldn't make it. They'll eventually find out about it, but now is not really the time for that.
Here's my frame of reference. My family is really convoluted — my parents were 16 when I was born, they never married, and I never actually met my dad until I was 12. And my mom is now divorced from my stepdad and my dad has been divorced twice. G's parents have a vague idea about this (I'm pretty sure they don't know that my parents were never married to each other, but they do know that they've each been married at least 1 other time because I have a half brother from my mom and a half sister from my dad), but none of the rest of the family has any clue. I don't think G's family would have a problem with it necessarily because they're pretty liberal and good about knowing that a person can be separate from his or her family. However, it's just so outside the scope of their usual understanding of family relationships that it's not worth explaining to them.
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10:38 am
July 31, 2009
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DJain
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"However, it's just so outside the scope of their usual understanding of family relationships that it's not worth explaining to them."
That's a good way to put it.
Another thing I should also clarify: my MIL, and my SILs and their husbands would probably be fine with the issue with my parents (maybe not so much with my sister). Especially since my parents waited until I was grown up and out of the house before getting divorced, so I grew up in an intact family. But the people who would really start shrieking and gossiping would be the more distant family members, and my didis' in-laws. It would cause a real problem for *them*, because they're the ones who have to live there and deal with those people on a regular basis–not my husband and me.
There was one day before our wedding where my husband was at his sister's house. She lives in a joint family with her in-laws and her husband's brothers and their wives. My husband almost let it slip that my sister was not married, but had a kid. My didi's SIL got wind of it, and started making a huge commotion over it. I mean, full-metal freaking out. And she's not even really related to us at all!! She's just the wife of my didi's husband's brother!
So even if the closer relatives could probably deal (and eventually, at least my MIL will know, especially if she'll be living with us at some point in the future), the other relatives would just make it a much bigger pain in the butt than it needs to be. Also, I'm really glad that no one knew about these things when I was still new to the family, or before we got married. Now they know me for who I am, not as some unknown white American who just suddenly showed up! 
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12:34 pm
August 3, 2009
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Americanepali
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This is an interesting topic.
My own family situation is that my parents divorced at some ambiguous time while I was in high school (it was a long, drawn out, messy dramatic process) and even though its been years, they still have a hard time interacting with each other like adults. P's family actually found out relatively early in our relationship that my parents were not together- an accidental slip when P was trying to explain something one night. It was a bit awkward since divorce was one of the major reasons cited for "why marrying an American is bad" (if not in the immediate family, at least in the greater social networks of Nepali society).
As D mentioned, "…it's just so outside the scope of their usual understanding of family relationships that it's not worth explaining to them.” I could tell this was the case with P's family- they felt very awkward asking me about it, although I'm sure it bothered them a bit, and they assumed that my father must have done something terribly wrong (even though my parents divorce was pretty miserably mutual). As a result they were very careful to never asked about him, and only inquired after my mother's and sisters' health when they called. It wasn't until they physically met my dad on a trip to America that they ever really aknowledged his existance.
When I knew that the family (P's mom, dad and aunt) were going to meet my parents, I tried to contextualize the family history (since I knew my mother would talk endlessly, as she usually does, about my father's failing qualities). I'm very open and comfortable about discussing the topic, and I at least wanted them to get a somewhat clearer picture rather than just a one-sided highly biased account. However I could tell they didn't quite "get" most of what I was talking about, and that they were visably uncomfortable with me, as a younger person, giving a personal critique of my parents actions. In the end, the conversation just didn't really go anywhere. After the meeting of both my parents P's aunt said that the fact my parents can't really be in the same room makes her "very sad" (a sentiment I can agree with). They still continue to ask about my mother, but never ask anything about my dad, and we are more in a "don't ask, don't tell" mode in terms of family divorce conversations anyway.
However, my father actually got engaged recently, and will have what they call a "retirement marriage" at some point down the road. I haven't even considered mentioning this other person to P's family. Perhaps at my own wedding someday I might have to make introductions, but I'm ready to wait until that day…
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9:02 pm
November 23, 2009
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sjtp
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I hadn't really thought about not telling people before. I was very open with Abhai's parents and sister (I'm an extremely open person by nature, and I don't think staying quiet with them would have worked well for me), but now I'm thinking about talking with my MIL about what to tell everyone else in the family. See, my grandparents were divorced but my bio grandmother died many years ago and my bio grandfather died last summer, leaving my (step) grandmother (who will be unable to make it to the wedding; we're having a reception in my hometown for my grandmothers, so fewer of his family members will be there). The divorce and remarriage happened long before my time, so I have few emotions about that.
Trickier is my parents' divorce. I heavily sided with my mother and have some issues with my dad, whom I love but have been repeatedly hurt and let down by. However, my mother died several years ago. This means that both divorces in my family could be swept under the rug with a little "under-explaining." As a teen and even some still today, I have liked to point out that my mother was not with my father for the last 4 years of her life. I'm wondering if it would be easier for all involved to simply leave it at who's still living in my family and not get into timelines (i.e., if I mention two grandmothers, just allow it to sound like the remarriage was after my bio grandmother died). I guess I'm old enough now that I can just let things be (and my dad would have NO problem with pretending the divorce never happened!), if the family benefits are great enough.
Good food for thought! My MIL may be relieved if I'm willing to "under-explain" some of those divorces…her son is the first to marry a non-Indian, so she's been taking enough risks within the family for us as is. And if she says it's not worth hiding…I suppose it's always nice to be pleasantly surprised!
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11:38 pm
November 27, 2009
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Gori Girl
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I don't have much to add in analysis, so I'll just throw in my own experiences.
I'm not sure exactly when my in-laws discovered my parents were divorced (when I was 6 too, so I pretty much grew up in the ol' "broken family"), but I'm certain the immediate family knew about it the first year Aditya and I were dating. My mother invited him out to stay with him for awhile during the summer so he could see another part of the US and visit with his older brother (who was in the process of moving to the US and living with his in-laws who had no room in the inn for Aditya too) It was clear from discussion of logistics that my parents weren't living together, and hadn't been for years. I'm sure it slipped that I had a stepmother too.
Aditya's family has never once mentioned or discussed the topic of my parents' divorce with me, or hinted around it. I'm not sure if it's because it's a taboo topic, or they just think it'd be uncomfortable all around. It was never raised as an issue by anyone to Aditya either. *shrug* I do think my in-laws like my mother way more than my father – but that's because she tries a lot harder with them! But they welcome my dad and stepmother (who I have a troubled, but still intact relationship with) over to Dada's house for BBQs and the like when I'm in town.
At our India wedding my mother and her brother (my uncle) came to the wedding, while my father didn't. I'm pretty sure that it got round to all the guests that my parents were divorced. Again, no problems that I heard of, and there was no hinting to my mother that she should just tactfully avoid discussing the topic.
Aditya's comment on this topic is that it just isn't a big deal, and "after all, the divorce rate in India is going up too."
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4:01 pm
December 5, 2009
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www.girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com
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Americanepali,
In most Indian communities even today an individual is not valued for who they are rather their value lies in what family they come from. A flaw in the family genology was considered so detrimental for the coming generations that even honor killings were justified. Earlier arranged marriages the mediators made sure to check how women are treated in a particular family like how DILs are treated, if the MIL has a pleasant personality or is quarellsome character, man has how many sisters or brothers etc. It all began with good intentions then some people started driving power and excitement of drama from such dynamics. This is the reason your extended-extended relative is so much interested in your family genology because that pathetic soul has enough time on her hands.
Few of my friends are in bad marriages and they do not have the courage to seek divorce because they fear it will marr the chances of good marriages of their siblings and cousins. And there are others who are chosing to be morally right than being happy. They had these inter-racial marriages and now they don't want others to pick on them that it didn't work out because it was inter-racial. Two of my friends are dealing with accusations from their brothers that their seeking divorce has encouraged their SILs to follow their foot steps.
Tp all those in inter-racial unions, no one can bother you if your partner has a clear sense of boundaries and respects you enough to stand for you.
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5:25 pm
December 30, 2009
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Gori Girl
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Just for anyone coming along later who sees this thread, I've written a post on the topic of divorce in interracial marriages: Interracial Divorce in the U.S. – Statistics and How Much They Matter.
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