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10:41 am
July 15, 2009
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ColleenC
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Post edited 10:33 am – August 10, 2009 by Gori Girl
Wanting to be respectful of the culture, but not wanting to compromise my values.
Hi Gori Girl,
I've responded to your blog a few times before, and love your site. It really is a great resource, and helps to make others in intercultural South Asian relationships feel like a part of a community.
I wanted to mention something that has been bothering me a little bit. I hope this doesn't come across as a rant, or disjointed, like I fear it might. I'm still sorting through all of these feelings.
I just came back from a month-long trip to Nepal to visit P's family. I definitely feel lucky in a lot of ways because of their open-mindedness about our relationship. P's parents are from two different castes, and in some ways I think they see themselves as an intercultural relationship, even if they don't intellectually ponder about it, and this has helped them make the jump to the next level (so to speak) of intercultural relationships- the international kind.
Being naturally interested in different cultures has made it easy for me to learn about and embrace a lot of Nepali culture- food, customs, clothing, language (as much as I can). I think that P's family see's this, and knows that my interest, as well as my interest to share my own culture too, is “special” and not something that every person would necessarily be willing to do. While in Nepal I tried to watch the people around me, and follow social cues, and participate in as much of the social culture as I could. However, sometimes I think my willingness to try and adapt might be giving the wrong impression…?
While there, I could see that P's family, after knowing me as the “significant other” for several years now, has started to think of me more as a daughter-in-law and less of a significant other, even though we probably won't marry for another two years. In a lot of ways, I was happy with this, however, it also weirded me out a bit.
For instance, when eating P's mom (and P) would use the informal “khao khao” (eat eat) with me, but when I said to P, “khao” his mom said, “no, you use khaonus- for respect.” or when guests came over, P's mom might ask me to join her in the kitchen to help organize and then have me bring down trays of snacks and drinks to serve everyone. We even had a few conversations that went something like, “when you and P are married, you can do all the cooking, and I'll relax, okay?”
I guess re-reading through this post, and seeing some of these things in isolated incidents, they don't seem like big deals, but something about it makes me feel a bit weird. I can definitely tell that P's mom is more traditional and conservative then P's dad. It is definitely his mom who chooses to serve others (literally- in the kitchen she will not eat until everyone else is done) it's not his dad making any sort of unilateral directive. Meanwhile, I am happy to be helpful, especially when I have a hard time verbally communicating, but when being treated more like a daughter-in-law translates into serving people and taking care of people without an equal sharing of the tasks between the partners, that feels like a step backwards in my own feminist ideals.
When I talk to P about this he seems to say, first off, that this situation (serving people, giving extra respect to the men) is either “never going to happen” or is well into the future, and that I tend to over analyze things. He also said, on one occasion, “you can't have all the fun parts of the culture, like wearing sari… and reject the other parts.” However I think it is something to think about now- how to still be respectful of the cultural/family traditions/expectations without compromising my own views.
This kind of hit home when a good Nepali friend of ours had his parents visit. When they came to our house in the US, it was the expectation that I'd bring out tea, and snacks, and pass everything around, that this was specifically a female role. I think, in a way, P encourages this in front of elder Nepalis so that I make a “good impression” (as an outsider) which will be talked about favorably back in Nepal (especially when they go to visit my inlaws). (I should also add- This is contrary to how our household usually runs, where P does 60-70% of the cooking.) And to be honest, if I have the chance to be in the kitchen making or organizing something when a large group of Nepalis are over, sometimes it is frankly easier because I have a harder time speaking the language and communicating. Rather than sitting silently doing nothing and not contributing to the conversation, I can at least be active and productive.
The father of our friend was very impressed by how I was “taking care of everyone” saying I am like a “grandmother” (meant as a compliment). Eventually he even told his Nepali relatives living in America who started a conversation about how our friend should “marry a nice Nepali girl, because American-Nepali matches aren't good” that “my son has a good friend, P, who is with a great American girl… so helpful, sweet, and able to take care of everyone. Not like what you would expect from an American. He will be very happy, and has chosen a good match.” However, part of me feels like this is a “good match” because the father perceives that I will be “taking care of” P much like his wife, who spends a chunk of her afternoon making stuff in the kitchen for guests.
I don't know. I want to be helpful, but I don't want to be pigeon-holed as a housewife-type either. I don't want to serve the whole family dinner every night and stand between the stove and the table with dripping spoons of food and only eat after everyone else is done. I'm not going to cook daal-bhat everyday of my life… because I like pasta, casserole, salad and burritos as much as the next person. I also wouldn't expect to use the respect forms of verb conjugations to my partner unless we were both using them to each other, rather than one over the other, making some sort of weird linguistic hierarchy in our relationship.
As I've noted on this site before, P is very laid back, he isn't one to cause waves, and he isn't one to really notice conflict. I'm the one who gets more worked up, and “over analyzes” situations. However, in being respectful and flexible I don't want to establish unrealistic habits or expectations nor compromise my ideals. In some ways these things are so subtle and easy to ignore, but it's the subtleness of the expectations that weirds me out. Meanwhile it feels rude coming out and addressing these things in a very overt conversation, since Nepali culture leaves so much unspoken. I can't just come out and say, “Mamu, I'm not going to eat and serve daal-bhat every night.”
Does anyone out there seem to know what I am talking about or have experience with this? Any thoughts?
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1:17 pm
July 15, 2009
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DJain
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Hmm…my take on this is that only you and P can decide how you live your lives, and (as GG's parents said in the interview) you have to live life your own way, as Americans, if you are living in America. Who cares what they might think in Nepal, if P cooks more or if you cook more–you're doing what's right for you as a couple.
On the respectful language thing: I see absolutely nothing wrong with using the more respectful pronoun to elders in Hindi (or whatever other South Asian language). I am careful to do so myself, because I know that it's an important way of showing respect, and it's no skin off my back to do so. Just because we don't have the same sort of gendered/respectful pronouns in English doesn't mean we don't speak in similarly respectful ways to our own elders–I was raised in the South, and I was raised to say "yes ma'am" or "yes sir." Also, in a related issue, I have absolutely no problem with touching elders' feet, especially Mummy's feet. It's not hurting me, and I know that it gives them a great deal of pleasure for me to show respect in that manner. And on the other side of the coin, I get *my* feet touched by all our nieces and nephews in India.
In any successful marriage, both partners "take care of" each other by doing the things that they are good at, or that the other person doesn't like to do, whether that falls down gender lines or not. As long as you and P are happy, that is what matters.
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9:10 am
September 16, 2009
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Anilu
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I agree with DJain. How you keep your household back at home is something only the 2 of you should deal with. But the dynamic at his parents' house is different and for now you will just have to take it.
In my case it's a bit different. My husband's mom doesn't lift a finger. The cook comes in the morning to get everything done. Then comes the cleaner to sort things out. If she needs to go somewhere, the driver is there and a boy comes on weekends for the heavy cleaning stuff. So she is not used to do much and when they come and visit us in UK, it can be a challenge to keep the kitchen clean. At least I am not expected at all to do any serving, cooking, etc when we visit India.
Just see how things are when they visit you at home. Be respectful of course but show how you 2 work things out and do not try to fake to please them. I am sure they like you anyway.
Thanks for mentioning burritos. It makes me feel proud as a mexican.
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7:45 pm
December 5, 2009
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Badi Bahu
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Post edited 8:42 pm – December 5, 2009 by Badi Bahu
So, I'm coming to this conversation way late. I hope folks will return to it.
ColleenC and I have a similar dilemma. (First of all, I disagree with this: “He also said, on one occasion, 'you can't have all the fun parts of the culture, like wearing sari… and reject the other parts.'” My mother-in-law seems to think along similar lines, as if I should embrace all parts of her culture with equal enthusiasm. Part of my goal is to propagate only the parts of culture that are fun, kind, healthy, respectful, and so on. Whether it's my native culture or any other. Of course, I won't be able to do that, but I find it helpful to make it a goal.)
I am somewhat frequently dealing with inlaws who want me to make a good impression on their friends and extended family for them. Some of the actions required of me are a joy or at least not an imposition, wearing good clothes to certain functions, attending certain functions, learning raas and garba. They are very proud and brag that I am a good cook, especially when it comes to Indian cuisines. Same with my studies of Indian cultures and Hindi.
However, I have two gnawing frustrations. One is that I am the one who has taken the initiative and spent a lot of time in solitude to learn and study what I have (unfortunately, his parents haven't yet found the knack for teaching), yet his mother takes every opportunity to nab credit for every (good) thing I do (and sometimes, when I've done a favor for her at her request, if her friends end up being displeased about some part of it, she lays all the blame on me). It angers me to be paraded around parties, where everyone learns my name and I learn no one's, as if I am a possession or a pet doing tricks.
Another of the frustrations is that, like with ColleenC's inlaws, my inlaws want me to be a servant at parties when they have their friends over (friends who, of course, do not approve of these inter-cultural/-ethnic marriages). I understand that it is very important what their friends think of them, but I am not going to be a pet or a servant to improve or maintain their status in local Indian society.
I feel that I should have a discussion with my inlaws–my saasu-ma, especially–but I've also witnessed my husband try to have such discussions with them, innumerable times, and his parents just don't get it. It seems futile.
What makes it feel more delicate or complicated is the moving target of cultural identity that was mentioned in the post about the Indian American subculture: my inlaws did come here to give their children a better life, they wanted the kids to learn only English, they raised their children as mostly American and partly Indian. And most of the time, their ideals seem rather “liberal.” However, when it comes time for action, they abandon what they claim to be their ideals so that their friends won't think less of them. For them, these actions are partly a sham; nevertheless, the sham has stakes that are quite high for them, and they have, at times, spoken very, very, very abusively to us when we refuse to be treated with the disrespect we already perceive as evident.
I don't want to ignore them, avoid them. Even if I did, I wouldn't be able to do it because my husband would be miserable ignorning and avoiding them. I have enjoyed spending time with them in the past, and they do love us, in their way. But love isn't enough. And I can't enjoy their company any more because in the back of my mind is the knowledge that they are always wanting to exert control over us. They want to make the decisions in our lives, wanting us merely to perform those decisions.
Since his parents don't seem to respond to subtleties and since they usually revert to more conservative habits even after frank and (only seemingly) productive conversations, I'm at a loss as to how to resolve any of this. Of course, the sad truth is that there can probably be no resolution, or perhaps only the fleeting resolutions we've experienced so far. But if anyone has any strategies they think might be helpful, I would love–love!–to read them.
Thanks a lot.
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2:57 am
December 6, 2009
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luckyfatima
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I am in the same boat as ColleenC and Badi Bahu…my in-laws are very modern and take care of themselves fairly well when they visit, but they do expect bahu servitude, especially shows of hostessing and so forth.
I do not have a win-win solution for this. I have decided not to play bahu-servant, this makes negative waves, and I have to accept the consequences for this. My stance has caused problems. My husband doesn't fully get it. He does help me clean up after them, though.
I could say more here…but seeing how this is a public space that could easily be perused by anyone…I'll not go on and write a long rant.
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Mat pooch ke kya haal hai mera teray peechay
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6:04 pm
December 7, 2009
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Badi Bahu
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So far, I have gotten out of the bahu-servitude through my husband making excuses for me, such as that I am ill, or some such. Then, of course, they become quite concerned, and I feel bad for making them worry. But I am very apprehensive about being direct about this, as it seems every thing must always be handled with utmost drama.
At some point, like luckyfatima, I think I will have to be frank about why I will not do these things. It's just so especially frustrating when I can't help them understand my way of thinking, and I think that will probably be the case with this. I suspect that, for them, serving the guests is really no different from the help that I usually offer when I'm in their home (cleaning dishes after dinner, for example, or bringing water for the family), but for me, the differences are stark!
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8:40 pm
December 8, 2009
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cakerbakergirl
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Specifically, what is typically expected of a bahu that goes beyond typical North American hosting of guests? I'm curious!
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7:32 pm
December 12, 2009
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desigirl
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Though I am not in a cross-cultural relationship I sometimes feel as if I am in one because of the differences in culture in my husband's familly and mine :) The issues Colleen raised have recently been something we've been forced to discuss so I thought I'd add my two cents here. My husband and I come from different parts of India and though his family is also liberal and educated they are more conservative when it comes to culture and have expectations of their daughter-in-law that I find hard to deal with. We live the US and our families are in India so the situations don't come up often but still cause friction when they do. Colleen you hit the nail on the head when you said that taken in isolation they seem small and it seems almost petty to complain about them, but the subtlety makes it very hard to deal with. My overall grouse point has been the implicit hierarchy that seems to put me lower as a wife than my husband. For e.g. my MIL will think it fine to ask me to get my husband a cup of tea but it will not occur to her to reverse the situation. When we were first married I was expected to wake up early, bathe, be dressed in a sari and leave the bedroom and touch everyone's feet while my husband could exit the bedroom an hour later in shorts. I think you'll find that a common behaviour in South Asian families especially in the older generation is the desire to impress outsiders. And the bahu, especially a newly married one is the object of all attention so she must appear especially presentable. My in-laws are concerned about what I wear to social functions to the point that it gets intrusive, for e.g. I have no problem wearing a sari if the occasion requires it, but I don't want to be instructed on what jewellery to wear with it, to be reminded to wear sindoor, to be reminded to wear lipstick or be told that a certain salwar kameez just won't make the cut and I need to change into a more dressier one. It isn't very nice being treated like a child or a dress up doll that has to look just right. We haven't had the social function situation yet but it would be similar to what others here describe, usually the women would be the ones spending their time in the kitchen and serving guests. I also have a huge problem with rituals that are expected as a matter of course. For e.g I will not do the ritual fasting (a festival called Teej, similar to Karwa Chauth) for my husband's life, I don't think it's a necessary custom and think it's unfair that it's expected only of the wife, but my MIL thinks I should be doing it. She forgot to remind me the last time but told my FIL I fasted and then told me later I "must" do it next year. This is turning into quite a rant but overall Colleen, yes these things exist and you will have to figure out a way of dealing with them. You will probably have to work on it situation by situation which is what I am doing right now. Some things I'm learning to ignore, go along with and the bigger ones usually mean a discussion with my husband not a direct conversation with my in-laws. A direct conversation with South Asian elders can get tricky since answering back is a big no-no :)
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10:00 am
December 13, 2009
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sjtp
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This is such a great discussion to have. I feel really grateful for my situation right now! My Abhai and his sister grew up in the U.S., so his parents have already found compromises and picked battles about gender roles, respect, etc. As far as housework, both he and his sister were expected to help out with dinner and clean-up, etc. (although he does try to get his mom to do his laundry!). I think his parents have been a little weirded out when he's explained that yes, we will share the cooking and cleaning fairly equally (due partially to both pursuing professional careers)…but they took a "as long as you know what you're getting into…" approach. However, Abhai also believes his parents share housework more than they realize – his dad will help out on the weekends and for special occasions, and he does a lot of improvement projects around the house, takes care of the yard, etc. Touching feet does happen, but it's more of a "special occasion" thing in his family, so it's more comfortable for me than it might be on an everyday basis.
The language thing is interesting. I thought I should learn only formal at first so I don't offend anyone. His mom disagreed–elders will understand that I'm not good at it (Abhai and his sister don't really use them correctly either and everyone understands), but if I use it incorrectly with a child, they won't understand and won't respect me. So luckily she's been understanding and helpful! Abhai and I have talked about "formal" language between husband and wife. Whatever needs to be done, we'll do equally. Part of it for me is communicating to his family that, while we share power, I do respect him…and having him communicate to them (and me) that he respects me just as much. And I actually like adding "bhai" ("brother") to the end of his name sometimes…I call most people who are close to me "sweetie/hun/dear," so that's a name that's specific to our relationship. Plus, it feels warmer to refer to him as "Abhai" on here than just A! 
I really am quite lucky, because Abhai doesn't always notice subtle gender inequality but usually gets it once I explain it, especially because he grew up experiencing those subtle racisms as an Indian in the U.S. Although I think we'd just "deal" with anything from his grandmother or other much older relatives we see only occasionally (like we just "deal" with racial micro-aggressions from some of my family members), anything chronic or with his parents, I trust he'll stand up for me on…and he's willing to argue with his parents like a true American kid. 
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9:28 pm
January 1, 2010
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Gori Girl
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I feel like I've largely been able to avoid this issue in my relationship – I think it's a combination of his parents' progressive natures (especially Baba) and my ability to be completely oblivious to subtle social proddings towards gender inequality. 
Aditya's parents, as you guys can probably tell from the interview, are pretty liberal in their beliefs – while Maa is the one who does most of the cooking, Baba does a lot of cleaning, and they both seem to give each other a hand when needed (so Baba will fry the chapattis that Maa rolls out or make the tea if Maa is busy knitting). Their modern approach is probably 90% of the reason why I don't feel any pressure to me dutiful or what have you. The other 10% is, like I said, an obliviousness (only after reading some of the entries here did I realize there were some subtle efforts made to get me to be a proper DIL while in India), and the frankness I've shown about not doing things that promote gender inequality whenever the subject has come up (which is rare).
Thinking over our last trip to India, there were some efforts made – I think primarily as a show by Maa & Baba to assure other family members. For instance, I was asked to serve morning tea to Uncle (a great-uncle of Aditya's, and the oldest male in the family house in Calcutta) – which I did, but without noticing that it was probably an effort on Maa's part to show that the white girl can fit in. It seemed, well, normal. Likewise, I know now that I completely missed subtle efforts to get me to wash-up before breakfast, or to tie back my hair (which went wild in Bombay's humidity) before meeting some family friends who are high up in the Indian Army.
It makes me wonder what this next trip to India will be like – I have a feeling the stakes are going to be a bit higher, since I'm no longer a new bride (not that I was when we went last time, technically, but it was the Hindu version of the wedding ceremony). We'll be staying with cousins in Delhi, Didi in Bombay, and Aditya's extended family home in Calcutta. The last will be the most difficult of the three, I think, since that's where all of the older relatives are.
Anyone else seen changes in expectations regarding the amount you can "fit" the culture/respect/values issue on later trips to India or Nepal?
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11:35 pm
January 1, 2010
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luckyfatima
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Specifically, what is typically expected of a bahu that goes beyond typical North American hosting of guests? I'm curious
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wo…..press.com/
I saw this poster in one of GG's post comment threads and followed the link to her blog. I read all of her sasuraal-bahu type posts. It is a very interesting blog. I don't think all families are as conservative as what is described in the blog, but it gives some insight into a very traditional joint family scenario, and offers tips/solutions to people who are having MIL/SIL issues, or issues from ILs who interfere from far away or on visits…not about hosting of guests per say, but if you read this you will understand the most conservative views of a bahu's role and can imagine how that plays out in showing displays of conformity and subservience when entertaining guests for the ILs.
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Mat pooch ke kya haal hai mera teray peechay
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11:27 pm
January 21, 2010
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www.girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com
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Hey there! "I don't think all families are as conservative as what is described in the blog…" Yep, not all families are. They selectively appropriate modernity and conservatism. They have double standards not just for inter gender relations but also for intra gender relations. It is more complex than you made it appear. It is not black and white it is all grey "Sari daal hi kali hai." Daughter are more favored over DILs that is understandable but DILs are selectively encouraged and supported in the pursuit of career and other ventures but when it comes to traditions DILs have to be the pallbearers.
GGTS brings about the perspective of highly educated, employed women of desi origins both married and singled raised by first generation college educated parents. Some of these women are in arranged and others in “love” marriages. Those in LMs have selected their mates from their similar demographic backgrounds- family size, education, socio-economic status. These men and women have claimed modernity through the process of mate selection but the families of these men try to exert control by insisting on following the family and community traditions. These insistences are a mode of exerting control over the lives of these couples and especially the DIL. The generational codependence, strong family orientation and ever changing personal boundaries play a great part in this.
“…but it gives some insight into a very traditional joint family scenario…” These are the so called modern families that want “modern yet traditional” brides for their son. Being a desi and being married to a desi is little more complex than it appears to be…
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1:56 pm
January 22, 2010
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DJain
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The only things I can think of that felt like sexism being pushed on me in India were: once we were there on New Year's Eve, and my husband's family refused to let us go out somewhere to celebrate because they said it was too dangerous. But who knows, maybe they were right. The other thing was that last time we were there, I ended up washing our undies by hand (because I didn't want my MIL to do it, and I didn't want to send them out to the laundry where they might have gotten messed up) and there was no expectation of my husband doing it. But what the heck, I don't think I'd trust him to do that correctly anyway, and I never usually ask him to do laundry here in the US either.
I don't know, the "being asked to act like a servant at parties" thing–I never saw that. Servants act like servants at parties that I've been to in India. I always just enjoyed myself the same way my husband and SILs did, although of course I always ended up answering lots of questions from curious friends or neighbors of my in-laws. At dinnertime, unless I was bored and wanted to help, I sat and ate with my husband. I don't like or agree with the women having to keep making chapatis so that men/guests can keep eating fresh ones. If I'm cooking, I make a big pile of them and keep them warm in the oven so we can all eat at the same time.
Having guests at our own home in the US: well, I love cooking and entertaining, and I've always kind of aspired to sort of Martha Stewart/Gourmet magazine/Southern Living magazine kind of dinner parties, etc. since long before I met my husband, so I don't act any different now than I would anyway. And my husband also loves cooking and entertaining, so it's a 50/50 effort. Usually when we have someone over, dinner's not ready yet, so we have a tag-team approach, one person entertaining the guests while the other one cooks, and we take turns.
All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Gori Girl, just act like yourself when you go to India this time, and if you don't want to give in to subtle pressures, then you don't have to. Just feign ignorance that you know they are hinting/pushing things…hehe. 
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4:11 am
February 28, 2010
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Raju
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Post edited 10:44 am – February 28, 2010 by Raju
There isn't an easy solution to this. This is not just a problem being faced by people in inter-cultural relationships. Rather, it is something that is so widespread even within intra-cultural relationships that this topic (saas-bahu — MIL-DIL) is the bread-and-butter for soaps (T.V.) in India.
I am just trying to put some perspective on things and I hope no one takes it in any other sense. This question of what is expected from a bahu needs to be tackled in the context of the common scenario that the bahu is just visiting and is with her husband. (It's 2:16 a.m. and this may not be entirely cohesive. Please take this in the right spirit, though.)
My suggestion, based on my understanding that you are only going to India on visits and are not actually living there, is that you just hire extra help while you're there so these questions don't arise. It may even become a topic of false conceit for the same people who expect subservience for it to be known that their bahu, the gori memsahab, has a personal attendant!
As far as serving a guest of honor is concerned, I think it is more a matter of protocol than one of subservience although it may not be purely one or the other. My observation is that it is more of the former than the latter. If you have been to a wedding in India, or even an Indian wedding in the U.S., you may have noticed that the hosts of the function are always hovering around the 'reserved' tables to ensure that the guests of honor are well-taken care of. That task is not left purely to the waiters of the banquet hall, whereas all the tables that are not 'reserved' have the usual waiters serving them. The hosts may stop by each table and inquire about everyone's experience or general well being, or not even that, but the 'reserved' ones receive much more attention.
There is some manifestation of treating guests of honor as such at purely American weddings and functions as well but the protocol is different. The special treatment and special attention is not absent, though. I don't see a need to expand on this given the audience's high degree of familiarity with the American culture.
As far as I know, it is thought of more in terms of making the guest feel that they are so special that family members, and not servants, should serve them. It is more a matter of giving special attention; just like, in business, there is an account rep. assigned for a big account / client whereas several smaller accounts are handled by any of a pool of account reps. It is not quite the same thing, but I am just trying to draw a parallel to illustrate my point.
As far as the subservience, I don't think it originated as that into which it has evolved. Traditionally, even in the U.S., the man was the breadwinner and the woman was the homemaker. Just watch an old T.V. show like 'I Love Lucy' and you'll see that Lucy was doing all the housework and Ricky was resting after a hard day's work or sitting on the sofa and arguing with her, but not sharing in the housework. How about Florence Henderson from 'The Brady Bunch'? Was she not making and serving food for her entire family since she was the homemaker / nurturer? I don't think anyone thought of or thinks of those roles as being that of servants. The concept was that he did his part and she did her's. That's how the tradition came about, I think. It wasn't about subservience.
I certainly don't think of my mother as a servant when she cooks us something. Of course, it irritates all of us if she gets up in the middle of having a meal. We insist that we all eat together.
I think what is expected of a bahu is that she be the nurturer. What is also expected is that you take some of the responsibility of running the household for the time you are there and, even temporarily, reduce that burden to your husband's ageing parents who worked all their life for the betterment of the family. This is also expected of their son. The goal is to understand what feeling they are left with once you have left their home. Are they left with the feeling that their son and DIL tried to preach and talk down to them or ignored them? Or, are they left feeling that the both of you took concrete action to make their life easier? If your goal is to gain acceptance or further acceptance as opposed to having a superficial relationship, this is your ticket… believe you me! Your relationship with your husband will also reach a different level. After all, he's Indian. Isn't he? He's grown up with all this 'respect' business hard-wired into him. Just for kicks, read the 'Pledge' at the beginning of any text book in India.
One way to take concrete action is to observe what happens for a day or two… how things run, how the household functions, etc. and then, to take charge. Since you love your husband's parents or at least care for them as opposed to thinking of them as alien, and since you (both) understand that your goal –based on their expectation — is to leave them with a good feeling by making their life easier, see what improvements you can make that will last even after you will have left and run the daily functions of the household by telling your MIL that you will take care of everything and that she should rest. If you have any experience managing, this should not be hard since you have hired help for everything. Now, this is what they expect, not how I am saying it should be. I'm just answering the question that someone asked, and I have tried to explain the logic behind the expectation. This is probably not how you pictured your 'vacation'. (Obviously, all this doesn't apply to your trip if you are going there to get married! This fun stuff is for subsequent trips.)
For example, you both could figure out what needs fixing. It is really hard to deal with hired help there. For example, having a leaky faucet fixed can take almost a whole day between finding the plumber and dealing with his unprofessionalism in that that he won't have the right tools, or can't find parts, or needs someone to go with him to the market to fetch said parts, or figuring out why he disappeared for the rest of the day. This stressful task can be handled by the son instead of his seventy year-old father and sixty-five year-old mother.
You could take them for a health check-up or to the eye doctor or dentist or what have you. There is a tendency in India to only go to the doctor when something goes wrong. Another service available is having the doctor visit your home, although it costs a little more. The parents are typically just going to live their daily routine and not worry about these things.
So, is that why you went to visit them? Of course, not. But, wouldn't you do the same if you went to visit your mother who lived all by herself in your hometown in Alabama and survived on Social Security and some help from you? Would you not ensure that things were all right? And that she would be all right until your next trip there? Would you not have a leaky faucet fixed? Would you not want her to rest and cook for her while you were there? Would you not serve coffee and biscuits to the old neighbor Ethel that came by? When you are being a daughter to your Mom, it is all right to do all this. Isn't it? This daughter-like behavior is what is expected. You are expected to display your understanding of the fact that the family you married into is your family.
Keep in mind that the role of the mother (your MIL) is very important to her family and she has probably had to work through sickness and aches and pains for years on end without letting up so the household could be functional. Mothers everywhere, including in the U.S., make such sacrifices for their families. The perspective in India is that those parents deserve to be taken care of with the utmost respect.
On the flip-side, the perspective is also that if you can't be sincere with and have a sense of longing for your parents, you can't be trusted to be sincere with anyone else. At least for this reason, if nothing else, you should help their son / your husband do what is necessary to make life easier for them on your trip instead of just shopping and sight-seeing. It will help their relationship… and yours… with him, with them, and everyone else!
Now, when they see that you're only involved in this betterment of the household, they will usually take the initiative of telling their son to take you out (as in 'for a movie', not the Mafia kind!). You can go vacationing then! That will be a very different feeling… a very liberating one since you will know they are content with the both of you as opposed to a liberating one since you 'just wanted to get out of the house for once'. Everyone will be saying, 'Remember who loves ya, baby!' with the bobble head…. Oy! Just kidding!
Hey, you've already taken a dive. You might as well swim. You don't wanna drown. Do ya?!
I understand the need for the betterment of society, but that is not possible until there is a significant amount of time invested and invested solely for that purpose. It is just not done on a 3-week trip. You are already changing your corner of the universe by establishing and practising egalitarianism within your home and you will train your children accordingly. Won't you?
Now, if your goal is to cure society's ills by getting your parents-in-law to concede, disregard everything I said. And, yes… good luck!
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8:21 pm
March 5, 2010
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girlsguidetosurvival
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