Gori Girl

My apologies if this topic is one that has been covered elsewhere, but I'm still pretty new to the site and haven't yet found it!  So I thought I'd start here and see if I could get any advice from someone who might be going through a similar situation.

Aside from all of the struggles that come with his parents not approving of me, I'm having my own little private struggle–with his name.  Specifically speaking, I can't pronounce it correctly!  My guy ("N") and I have been together for almost a year, and while I've got his first name down fairly well, I just can't say his last name right.  It's horribly embarrassing, and it's gotten to the point where I simply avoid saying it altogether because I'm so ashamed that I can't correctly pronounce the love of my life's last name.  

What's a little ironic is that I myself have a very unusual last name that's quite difficult for most other Americans to pronounce (my father is Chinese/Filipino).  I usually have a terrific accent when it comes to most of the main romance languages, but these reflexive tongue sounds are almost impossible for me, especially when I'm attempting to say them in front of him or any of our Indian friends. I'd love to get a head start on learning the language as both a surprise to N (and as a possible way to soften his parents' hearts if they ever finally meet me), but my tongue is refusing to cooperate.  It's so frustrating– anyone have any suggestions?  At this point, I'm fantasizing about hiring an Indian version of Henry Higgins.  :(

After my first "date" with my "Abhai" (which was supposed to be studying for a stat test but ended up being a date), I went home and excitedly called my best friend to talk about it…and then realized that I had no idea how to say his name. Worse, I had specifically asked him at the beginning of the study session, because I wasn't sure our instructor was saying it correctly. Luckily for me, my best friend "Akka" is also Indian American and offered to help…I was pretty paranoid, so I made her check it out with her sister "Chelli," too…and I still didn't quite trust it, so I listened very closely every time I called his voicemail!

I'm now meeting all the family, and some names are easier than others. One benefit is that, with the person, I can usually just use the title ("masi" for his mom's sister, etc.). Another thing I realized – Indians say my name slightly differently than Americans do, and that's fine. Our languages have different sounds, and it's very difficult for me to hear (let alone say) some of the Gujarati sounds…as long as I'm making a sincere effort, I think his family will be supportive and just laugh with me when some things just don't work. And with all this, my father also can't quite get Abhai's name down – I'm about to give up on it, which I think he has mixed feelings about. Not sure how we're going to deal with it when my dad starts meeting more family!

And if it makes you feel better – Abhai is American, isn't expressively fluent in Gujarati, and sometimes has trouble with some of his relatives' names. Luckily, Abhai's parents were careful to choose names that are manageable for Americans (not too many syllables, all sounds that are more or less part of English words), and we're planning to do the same. Other people choose Indian names with clear American nicknames (like naming Vijay and calling Jay). It sounds like you've already admitted to him that you have trouble with his name, which was the hardest part for me. Focus on the fact that you're in a supportive relationship, and it seems like he understands that you are putting effort. My understanding is that people get upset when others don't say their name right because they don't CARE to learn, not because they're trying and just can't quite get around it.

Amanda, sjtp, and GG– Thank you so much for sharing your empathy and your stories!  I just breathed a HUGE sigh of relief knowing that I'm not alone in this embarrassing issue!   And GG, it's especially reassuring to hear you confess that you have difficulty pronouncing your new last name.  N and I were just discussing that very thing a few nights ago while talking about the future, and while I'm more than willing to take his last name, I worry about not being able to pronounce it even after it's my own last name.  (It has that difficult aspirated "bh" sound which I'm getting better at, thankfully, but it also has that really hard retroflex T/D combo that I simply can't force my tongue to get right!)

I think my real fear is based on the fact that I've yet to meet or speak to his parents, and I'm terrified of making a bad impression when I finally am able to greet them in person.  (Especially considering that they've already made their low opinion of me quite clear.)  I can just imagine them adding my horrible butchering of their names to their already long list of things that are "wrong" with me…

Nevertheless, sjtp, you are absolutely right:  I do have a very supportive boyfriend who completely understands and tries to help me through all of this unfamiliar territory.  So for that, I am very grateful.  

GG-  That's true, there really isn't the American "a" as in "bad" sound in Hindi or a lot of other Indian languages.

That being said S's parents took it upon themselves to change my name from Amanda to "Ananda" (uh-non-duh)!  Which I don't mind.  I didn't even remember that until I read some other posts here.  So I guess I shouldn't feel that badly about not pronouncing his name correctly!

(They also refer to me as Ananda, which is more of an Indian name I guess so that other people don't have a bias against me being American.  Like when they asked their Astrologer or whomever-I am unclear who they ask about that actually- about wedding dates or other "auspicious" dates engagement etc., they call me Ananda so there isn't any conflict.)

I told Abhai about this convo and he had me say his last name so he could listen carefully. I passed – luckily, the aspirated letter is at the very end, so I don't actually have to aspirate it. And then he demonstrated how GG's name likely gets pronounced by Indians. And then I realized it's kind of the "a" sound with my name, although it's more of an "air" that become an "are" with the Indian "rrr."

D – I laughed because I often tell Abhai that if he had a South Indian name with 15 letters and only 2 vowels, I would keep my maiden name! Luckily, although my "bff" Akka is South Indian, her name is just as easy…but she was my dormmate's classmate and we all pronounced her last name wrong for a long time because their instructors said it wrong…I can still picture the "so how DO you actually say your name?" conversation.

And ironically, Abhai used to purposely mispronounce my last name, just to be a rascal. That stopped abruptly after he said it out of habit in a rather embarrassing circumstance…and I was literally on the floor laughing about it…

Uyzie – It sounds like the anxiety is really about Being Judged and Being Found Wanting – but if someone isn't ready to like you, they're not going to like you no matter what you do. It sounds scary, but it can actually be quite freeing, because now the burden is off you to be "Above Reproach." One of Abhai's family members initially told him there was something untrustworthy about my eyes (and I thought: yes, they're not looking out of a brown face). So it's not about molding all the tiny details, because IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT YOU. And from what I've heard (and experienced), those superficial criticisms usually go away – because even if you {mispronounce names, or don't touch feet correctly (one of my fears), or choose not to touch feet (which is a personal decision), or don't cook (another fear of mine – Abhai is by far the better cook, although I'm the cookie maker), or come from a divorced/complicated family (my dad works in a factory and I'm very proud of him, my mom left an unequal relationship and I'm very proud of her), or expect to have a professional career that is valued as much as your husband's (oh the talks we had after the family panic about future children being "raised in daycare," despite the many frank preparatory talks about expectations about family life before that day), or any of the things that don't match the Perfect Indian Wife Mold} . . . there's a reason he's with you.

You have qualities that he values, and it's likely that his family (a) values and will eventually see those qualities too and/or (b) cares enough about him to (eventually) trust him. That family member who didn't like my eyes? Eventually said "if he's happy I'm happy," and I felt completely comfortable with that person during my last visit (when the bad stuff happened, I was told all these things I'm telling you, and having the expectation then that things would improve and I would forgive and mostly forget has helped me able to actually do that). Admittedly, some families take longer or don't get there at all…but there's monocultural families that do that, too. Over time, most families will see the inner good traits…especially if your boyfriend continues to have conversations that point out what he values in your relationship and that he's making the choice knowing that it won't be the same as marrying a Perfect Indian Wife.

And I'm sure the daycare thing will be a pain in my neck in the future. I'm ok with that, they're ok with that, and we're taking things one pain in the neck at a time…because that's what families do! So keep practicing his name, but know that the way you say it won't tip the scales one way or the other (although apparently eating Indian food has gone a long way in Abhai's cousins' homes – and I don't even eat anything spicy). What WILL make a difference is showing a pattern of being open to Indian culture (and honest about how you fit into it – although many women here love saris I don't plan to wear them, but I can't wait to get some kurtas, and my MIL will go to India to get me a beautiful bridal lengha choli) and of making a true effort to be part of a strong relationship and a strong family.

It's a sign of respect and deference to family elders. I've only done it a few times, with his parents and aunts/uncles for our engagement. You bend down (I don't think he actually literally touches the feet, just reaches down for it, but I actually touch because I'm afraid to mess it up) and the person touches your head/shoulders (I think it's like a blessing). I've heard some people say they're uncomfortable with it because it is so "deferential" (I think family power dynamics contributed to it being uncomfortable), but others are fine with it…I valued it because they valued it (and I'm comfortable with the relationships overall).

Post edited 7:12 am – January 4, 2010 by kck

F's first name is difficult to say, but the situation is even more complicated because when he was about 15 he started going by an “American” version of his name — spelled the same but pronounced differently.  Virtually no one uses his official name as it's actually pronounced.  American friends use the Americanized pronunciation, and family uses his nickname which is completely unrelated to what his name sounds like. 

I have a really weird solution to this conflict — I use one name or the other depending on what language I'm speaking.  English gets the American version of the formal name, and Hindi gets the family nickname or the “official” pronunciation.  It's just easier to say something that shares the same family of sounds as the rest of the sentence.  I can barely string together a sentence in Gujarati, so I don't have much occasion to say his name in that, but when I do it'll be the same strategy as Hindi.