Do the Needful and Learn the Language, Gori!
I can handle Hinglish - the Indian version of Spanglish - without a problem. I’ve got all that slang down. I’m comfortable with about any accent you can throw at me - a neeful thing indeed when your main social interactions are with a bunch of international grad students and professors who are more comfortable with equations than English. And you’d be surprised at how well I can parse together body language, tone, and the occasional English word in order to understand the conversation as a whole. Unfortunately, these skills, impressive though they might be, don’t cut it when what you really need to do is buckle down and learn a foreign language. This is something I suck at.
Yesterday I discussed all the great reasons you ought to be studying the native language of your partner. Today I’m focusing on why I haven’t yet achieved fluency in Aditya’s native language, Bengali, despite all those great reasons - and what I’m doing about it.
The Asian Playground and German Dreams
Growing up, I always wished I could speak another language or three fluently. I wanted it so bad, in fact, that I ran off to Germany when I was 17 to realize this dream. You see, in high school, I was one of exactly three people in my “hang-out group” of about thirty five friends who wasn’t at least bilingual. Not only did they get dumplings, sushi, and Pocky in their lunch bags, but they could slip in and out of another language with ease. I was so jealous. And, yeah, there were a lot of East Asian immigrant where I grew up - Club Fair Day featured a series of martial arts shows and at least three varieties of spring rolls for sale. Even the other white kids didn’t stand by me in solidarity of monolingualism: several were Jewish, and my high school boyfriend, Sasha, had spent his formative years in Russia. (His super-nice mom would always try to stuff me Slavic goodies while talking cheerfully away in Russian. High school me? Utterly intimidated.)
At the time it seemed completely unfair - here I was, struggling to learn what gender a bus was in German (male), and they just got a language scot-free because of their particular parents. So I concocted an elaborate plan where I would graduate a bit early from high school, delay starting college by a semester, and spend nearly a year working in Germany and traveling around Europe. Surprisingly, it all worked out, and I ended up a KLM flight to Hamburg when I was 17 to try my hand working as Au-Pair. That meant I was basically an unexperienced live-in teenage nanny - the family that hired me was either insane, or could sense my charming personality from halfway around the world. Nine months later I was back in the US and dreaming completely in German. Finally fluent in something!
Bengali? That’s Indo-European, right?
By the time I met Aditya I had forgotten all my high school language woes. I didn’t remember how difficult it was to grind through a vocabulary list, to work with grammar that isn’t intuitive, to convince my mouth to make sounds that English never required. And that’s like, five new sounds - German isn’t that different from English. So I was pathetically optimistic about my ability to learn his native language once we started getting serious - after all, Bengali is a part of the Indo-European language family, just like English & German. No tonal sounds to worry about? Piece of cake.
…Right. Let’s just say that I can barely hear the difference in a lot of sounds, let alone reproduce them.
Of course, we’ve only gotten to this point after a year-long debate concerning whether I should focus on learning Hindi or Bengali. The debate isn’t technically over - there’s major pros and cons on both sides - but it’s tabled for now, and I’m focusing on Bengali.
What works, and what doesn’t - at least for me
By now, I’ve figured out some things that help along the language learning process. You’d think that having an at-hand native speaker would make things easier, but you’d be surprised.
First, I will always believe that the best way to learn a language is to go spend some time in a country where it’s spoken - as long as you’re willing to work at the language while you’re there. Sadly, you can’t learn anything by osmosis or I’d be fluent in 8 or 9 Sanskritic languages from sleeping next to Aditya every night. (I was jealous enough of my high school classmates - learning that his 6+ years of studying Sanskrit and army-brat nomadic childhood equipped Aditya with the ability to speak many languages was so irritating.)
Of course, not everyone can just pick up and fly off to another country just to learn a language like a silly teenage girl, so I think the second-best thing to do is take a proper language course at a local university, if offered. Foreign language professors have years of training and experience to draw on when teaching, while your partner likely doesn’t. This really does make a big difference, particularly when you’re studying a language that is quite dissimilar to English. Like galaxie, I’ll be auditing a Hindi course next year, supposing I successfully pass my comprehensive exams. Of course, many languages are uncommon enough to not be taught anywhere - at least not anywhere close to you.
In that case you’ve got to go with the third option: gathering up every resource you can get to help you in your independent study. Rosetta Stone software is amazing, although the only Indian language they offer is Hindi. Get some cds if you’re a aural learner (I’m not), books if you’re a visual learner, or both if you’re a rich learner. Use your partner as another resource, but not as the only resource - too often a native speaker can’t easily explain why the language is the way it is. I fall into this category for learning Bengali, and use a book out of the wonderful Teach Yourself series. Aditya serves mainly to correct my pronunciation (in between his bursts of laughter at it) and correct my handwriting (which is luckily “no worse” than my “horrible English handwriting”). This system works pretty well, especially when I allow myself to taunt him with long German words he has no hope of saying correctly.
What if you’re stuck in the no man’s land of no published language learning resources, either in traditional media or on the internet? Well, your fourth and final choice is to depend on your partner entirely for language instruction. In this case, what I would suggest is that your partner find a book from the “Teach Yourself” series that covers the closest-related language to your target language, and then translate all the lessons into his language for you to learn from. (Note: this won’t work if you’re trying to learn Basque.) It’ll mean more work for both of you, but it’s a lot better than just picking up bits and pieces of a language as you go along.
Whenever I get frustrated learning Bengali, I plan on going back to yesterday’s list to remind myself why it’s worth it. All of the reasons I listed are valid for me, but I particularly want to know Aditya’s native language so that I can talk easily with his mother (whose English is actually quite good, but she’s more comfortable with Bengali). Also, I want any future kids of mine to be the cool kids on the playground: (store-bought) samosas in their lunch bags and awesome language skills.
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Comments
I was so sad when I found out that Teach Yourself Gujarati is out of print. I should try to find it on Ebay.
But I’m running into the same problems as you - there are no organized classes I can take for Gujarati around here, books and other resources are scarce, and I don’t want to force my guy to be a walking dictionary for me. I can’t exactly drop everything and live there for a few months. And if I did, I would prefer to know how to speak a little bit before I went, because I think I would pick things up faster once I got over the very beginning, which is the hardest part for me.
All this is why I’m learning Hindi first (his family speaks both). But when class is out in the summer, I am going to concentrate on Gujarati, since I’ll be able to spend more time with my guy and get more help.
Hehehe my boyfriend is Sindhi… I think thats even harder to find books on than Gujarati… Haha I know more Gujarati than Sindhi (Kem cho?). So as soon as I dust off my Rosetta Stone CD then I’ll start learning Hindi. I already know a bit but not too much.
I’m going to learn Telugu ya’all. 
Too bad the telugu movies aren’t as high quality as the Hindi. Sigh. Oh well!
@ galaxie - if you can find the Teach Yourself Gujarati book, I bet it’ll be really useful. They aim at being pretty comprehensive, and have a little dictionary in the back too. But, anyways, how’s the Hindi going? Any tips for when I get into classes next year?
@ Pale_Desi - I googled Sindhi, and it does look like you’ll have a bit more trouble finding resources! If Hindi works for you, though, go for it.
@ NeoKalypso - I bet Telugu will be pretty difficult, given that it’s a Dravidian-based language (and thus not related to English at all). Do keep us updated on how it goes.
I find most South Indian films absolutely hilarious - you don’t need to know the language since the actors are just *acting* *so* *hard* for you. Overacting at its finest.
Hindi’s going pretty well - I’m nearing the end of my second semester and can have short conversations about minor things if the people I’m talking to are patient. I can understand maybe a third of what’s happening in a movie if the subtitles aren’t on. This is pretty good, considering that I don’t actually speak Hindi to my man very much (I know, I’m wasting it, but I’m shy because I’m not good yet, it’s self-defeating). My class doesn’t actually involve a lot of speaking - the class is large so it’s hard to give everyone a chance to talk. There are rumors of a conversation table starting up soon, and I’m at a point skill-wise where I could totally take advantage of that. Tips:
1. Take every opportunity you can to talk. Talk to Aditya, go to conversation tables if they exist, volunteer in class. When I was learning Mandarin I found a chat website for people who were learning the language - it used the phonetic pronunciation instead of characters, and it was great practice for me.
2. Listen to songs in Hindi. Sometimes the grammar is complicated, but there are advantages: phrases get repeated several times, because they’re the chorus or something; lots of words are common in many, many songs (mostly romantic words); the pronunciation is fairly clear because of the style; and you will be able to hear what it’s supposed to sound like, which was very important to me when I was just starting. Movies are good too, but if you don’t have 3-4 hours you can learn a lot from songs.
3. Learn to write Devanagari and don’t transliterate using English letters in class, even if it takes longer for you to read and write that way. (If you are chatting online you don’t really have a choice.) Even after almost a year, I can tell who in my class did that when we started, because they still have pronunciation issues that basically stem from that. For instance, they pronounce the word for “one,” which is supposed to sound like “ache,” more like “eck” because when you use English letters to write it it looks like “ek.”
Galaxie…this is kind of cool if you REAALY want to chat in Devanagari! 
hehehe http://www.google.com/transliterate/indic
has Hindi, Tamil,Telugu, Kannada,and Malayalam! (No Sindhi or Gujurati though!! 
)
First let me say I think your blog is nicely done.
I read your about section and saw this:
“A Note About Cultural Generalizations I hate ‘em. This blog was partially created because of a site where a few negative anecdotes of interactions with Indians were being used to stereotype the entire country. India is a large place, with a number of different religions, ethnicities, and languages.”
I am pretty sure I know the site of which you speak and want to say from an outsider’s point of view/perception (if it is the site I am thinking about) I think both of you guys’ blogs have misread the other (I do not believe the other blogger’s site was stereotyping a whole country but I also do not believe your site is incorrect either). You both have a lot of knowledge with dealing with interracial stuff and you just have different thoughts on it. I like that. The two sites together give a greater picture.
All I have to say is that site has become my secret weapon. R knows if he ever has a problem with me and cultural issues all I have to do is remind him of the attitudes of people running that site.
If nothing else it’s made me look like one hellofa white girl! HAHAHAH!
I mean…you can’t deny that the theme is: I’m not going to change, they need to bend to me. Here, on this site, it’s a little more about opening up, compromising, and not feeling so d*&^ threatened by the big Other. That’s just how I prefer to be.
Besides that, I know you know an author personally but her stuff is especially toxic. It’s often so ridiculous and outlandish I can hardly take it seriously. I mean, you are pretty even and insightful and I can see how you want to stick up for a friend but you gotta admit… anyway…
On to more gorigirl topics!
Yes I am pretty even when it comes to things and that is why I can relate to all sides most of the time. I will admit all of my friend have their flaws (just as I do!).
I do like this site as well though as I said, the two together provide two sides to a story.
NK - agreed… the latest “Trip to India” is just the kind of post that ticks me off… children don’t just “die” in India… millions of tourists go there and come back alive every year… yes, you dont run drink water from the gutter, and yes, you shouldnt eat food from the street - but everyone knows those things. Even “locals” don’t do that.
They portray India as some sort backward-ass country where white people go to die. WTF??
Best of all, they make sweeping generalizing statements and ban anyone who expresses any sort of objection… at this point, it’s more of a propaganda newsletter - totally biased, and censoring any views that dont conform to their own.
The whole purpose of a blog is to be able to have a discourse with your readers… not just allow comments that extoll your virtues and ban and then badmouth people who don’t agree with you.
@ NeoKalypso: glad you find my tips helpful - good luck on the Telugu.
@ galaxie: thanks for *your* great tips. It looks like Hindi isn’t going to be offered here next semester, so I might be on my own for awhile. I’ve already run into the transliteration issue - when I tried that “shortcut” I’d never remember which vowel combination meant which sound, and ended up just confusing myself more!
@ Pale_desi: that’s a neat link. Would you mind if I put it up on an Indian Resource page, once I get one going?
@ whiteymcwheatbread: thanks for stopping by, and I’m glad you like the blog. I agree that there have been some miscommunication between CBC and myself (and I guess Aditya too!) However, CBC’s blog was not the only - or even main - reason I started this site. Let’s just say that you don’t have to travel far through the internet to discover an overabundance of racism & intolerance.
For anyone who’s not clear on what the above discussion is referring to: I’m talking about the site colorblindcupid, which is another blog dealing with intercultural relationships. I don’t agree with a number of the things the authors there have to say, but I do think it can be a useful and interesting site. If you enjoy it, keep reading it, and more power to you.
Obviously, Aditya has his own opinion on CBC’s site - some of his points I do agree with, although I wouldn’t always phrase them as he does. *shrug* I’m not my husband’s keeper, thank goodness - I can barely keep it together for myself! If you’ve ever read the site, Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About - incidentally, also about an intercultural relationship - know that it perfectly depicts the relationship Aditya and I have.
That’s too bad that you can’t take Hindi next semester. Maybe, since you live in the Desi Suburb now, you could find a tutor, or go to one of those schools that people send their kids to on the weekends. I’ve thought about trying that with Gujarati, because it’s uncommon at universities but community schools definitely exist. There isn’t even one of those in my area, though.
Ok not to keep perpetuating this thread about “the other site” because I LOVE this one but I am just so thankful to hear other voices (CT’s on my site, galaxies way back when, Aditya’s, and of course GG’s) who feel the same way I do. I felt like the big jerk for a while offering alternative views and getting so much flack for expressing them. I wondered if I was actually as defunct as the authors often made my comments out to be. Apparently not as many have expressed similar sentiments.
Aditya: they censered soooo many of my comments it’s ridiculous. That drove another poster nuts as well! I haven’t been back there to see what else they have pulled off (maybe all my comments??). You’re right–though they say otherwise, they are really not interested in dialogue that dissents from their own logic. But, I WILL say it was the first resource site I stumbled upon and they did respond to my initial pleas for help. As I started to see the logic (and censorship) unfold I grew much more weary.
Anyway, I’m really curious to keep reading here. I might not always agree with GG (though I have thus far) but I have a lot of respect for where this blog is headed!!! And I have a feeling GG will be more open to entertaining alternative points of view…
And oh yeah, my BF’s 1 year old nephew and 3 your old niece just went to India and did perfectly fine. India is great, I spent a month there and would definitely bring my kids there. It is not the easiest place to be, however, for people who are really used to Western ways. There’s nothing shameful about that and in fact I don’t really recommend India to 90% of my friends for this fact. I say, if you are someone who can roll with the punches and adapt to chaos quickly you will go to India and be swept away with its intrigue and beauty. In fact, if you can free yourself of Western ways long enough India will rock you to the core! But if you can’t take the heat, might as well stay out of the Indian kitchen…right?
Speaking of heat…I made some RIDICULOUSLY good chicken tikka masala the other night!
Oh and WmWB—I hear you—I give you kudos for trying to get good stuff from all sorts of places :).
Oh wowie wow wow wow!! Commentor Aditya is GG’s Aditya and spunky Aditya on the other site?!? (it’s like the Hindu trinity–joke!!) AWESOMESAUCE! So cool! I gotta have my R weigh in here. . . !!!
I’m dying to learn Gujarati! In my case, my fiance understands it but does not speak it. He only lived in India until he was four and then moved to Africa where he spoke mostly English.
galaxie, I actually own a copy of Teach Yourself Gujarati! I stumbled across it in a little Indian shop. The funny thing is when I try to pronounce the words in it my guy M laughs hysterically because (apparently) I butcher the pronunciation. But when I ask him how to say the words correctly, he doesn’t know how! It’ so frustrating!
This past weekend I was shopping for wedding clothes and the owner of one of the shops I was in gave me a free Gujarati language CD-rom. I can’t wait to try it out. I think eventually my guy and I will take lessons from a family friend because I definitely want our children to learn the language (and I want M and me to learn it too!). I’d also love to learn Hindi. I’ve scouted out a few classes in my area. My future in-laws speak both languages, so maybe they’ll help coach me.
Thanks for those tips about Rosetta stone etc, will check them out. Please keep posting on this, it is so interesting, I’m learning an African language (Twi) & it is so good to know others are also tackling the language challenge.
@ galaxie: well, I have the built-in tutor of Aditya, if I need one. I just need a class to keep me on track for daily language work. I’m sure there are a lot of courses around, however - the DC area has a lot of language schools around for the diplomatic corps and other such types.
@ NeoKalypso: my comments policy is that I’ll only delete clear spam or something that passes the PG-13 line into R territory. I agree that India is a very different place from most Western countries, but that’s half the fun. And yes, the Aditya commenter is Aditya-my-husband. I’d love to hear R’s opinions.
@ CaliforniaTransplant: sounds like your fiance could use a bit of Gujarati study as well! A good Bangladeshi friend of mine in Chicago has the same sort of difficulty with Bangla - understands it but speaks it very, very poorly - although he grew up in Bangladesh! I don’t know how he managed to not speak the regularly language while living in the country.
@ Maamej: I hope Rosetta can be a bit of help - they have a decent selection, but I doubt they offer Twi. Maybe Swahili would be helpful?
Gori Girl, you live in the DC area? I live in Northern VA. I always find it neat when I find I live near others I meet online. BTW I wanted to add you to my blogroll but cannot figure out how to from your site. Do you know? Usually there is a spot in the upper right hand corner…
Yeah, I’m in the DC area - in NoVa too. We actually just moved from really close in to beyond the beltway.
Thanks for offering to add me to your blogroll! The way you’d do it depends on what sort of blogging system you have… if you tell me if you run wordpress or blogger or whatever, I could probably point you towards a site with directions.
Hi, no chance to look at Rosetta yet. Swahili’s not much use unfortunately, because from my limited experience I think it’s much easier to learn - at least to pronounce! There are many more resources on it too.
@ whiteymcwheatbread: here’s what I could find on wordpress blogrolling: http://codex.wordpress.org/Links_Manager
@ Maamej: Rosetta doesn’t have Twi, so I don’t think it’ll be any help for that language.
Hahaha, well, that explains where a bunch of you guys comments went and why I was SO freaking confused on the other site! Me, myself, I would be kinda freaked out carrying a small child anywhere to be honest, BUT, like I mentioned elsewhere, there are probiotics and preventatives that can be brought with you when traveling anywhere abroad. The kid thing freaks me out because I know small kids LOVE to runoff and get into stuff, LOL. But there are still aLOT of backwards living people here in the U.S. too… just depends on where you are. At home, we frequently get warnings not to drink the tap water because it’s unsafe..so we boil/filter a LOT of stuff LOL. Glad I am now not so confused 
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Note: I’m sorry that this post got up a bit late - we’re actually in the middle of purchasing a townhouse and moving all our worldly possessions into it, so things are a bit hectic. If you’ve emailed me or commented here, don’t worry - I *will* be responding, but it might take me a couple of days to get to it.